He moved his head side to side. “I really don’t mind, I guess, but you’re dodging the question.”

  “Touché. We did.”

  “Are you okay? Do you need anything?” He took a couple of steps toward her and stopped.

  “I’m fine,” she said, holding her hands up in the air to stop the undeniably sweet, but unnecessary, display of little brother protectiveness. “I broke up with him, but keep that between me and you. I don’t know how it’ll all play out, but you already know how high school drama goes. I really don’t care what he says or how it goes down, but I’m happy to be done with it.”

  “Wow,” Ben said, nodding. “I kind of always thought you two were going to do the happily ever after thing, where you got married, had two kids, and bought a house and all that.”

  “That was never in the cards.” The words came easily and rang with truth. She crinkled her nose. “I don’t know what the happily ever after looks like, but it’s not with him.” She thought back to the previous night, the way Carter had looked at her with such awe and such intimacy. She looked down to the floor and then back to Ben. She stared at him for a minute, wishing she had the guts to spill her life as easily as he did. It would have been so good to talk it through with someone she knew wouldn’t judge, but would just listen. Instead, she smiled. “I’m going to go get ready, but good luck tonight. I hope you have fun.”

  “Thanks,” he said, turning back toward the kitchen. “You too!”

  In her room, she changed out of the Christmas pajamas she’d been wearing to add to the festivities. She glanced at the clock and then to her bedside table.

  She walked over, picking up the photo of Luke and Ben with their arms around her. It had been taken on one of their final outings, a family hike and picnic in Jemez Springs. Running her fingers around the edge of the frame, she took a seat on the edge of the bed. She leaned back against her pillow and let the tears fall for the first time in a while.

  Closing her eyes, she could see it all so clearly. He’d been tired after practice and asked her to drive home instead, something she’d done a number of times successfully. She gripped the frame tighter, reminding herself that it wasn’t her fault. No one could have seen the truck barreling through a red light. She relived it all again, the crash, the broken glass, the screams. Her body shuddered, as she placed the frame back in its place. She could see it all so clearly, but somehow in the aftermath, all she’d been left with were memories of the big brother she’d loved, crippling fear, unresolved trauma, and a shoulder injury that wouldn’t go away.

  “I miss you,” she said, giving the photo a final glance. “I wish you were here. Maybe you’d be able to talk some sense into me.”

  Despite her tears, she smiled, remembering how he always approached life in such a happy-go-lucky way, much like Ben, but with even more of a free spirit. He would have told her to go with the flow, that she didn’t have to have it all figured out. She gave the photo a sad smile. He wouldn’t have wanted her to hide from things, just because they might be unpleasant.

  Pulling out her phone, she took a deep breath, hit the button to call her mom, and waited as the phone rang.

  “Logan?” Her mom’s voice was filled with surprise, and she silently chided herself for waiting so long to make the call.

  “Hey, Mom,” Logan said, her voice hoarse.

  “Have you been crying? Are you okay?” Even though they were miles apart, Logan could just imagine the crease in her forehead deepening.

  “I’m fine, Mom,” she said, clearing her throat. “I just miss you. How’s Grandma?”

  “She’s hanging in there.” There was a muffled noise in the background and some shuffling. “I’m in the hallway now,” her mom said. “She’s sleeping, so I didn’t want to disturb her. I’m so glad you called. Fill me in on everything I’ve missed.”

  Logan wished she could pull her in for a hug, and just have her close by, but she resisted the urge to ask when she was coming home. The story was still the same. None of them knew for sure. She regaled her mom with tales of the game and the dance, leaving out the part about the breakup and her after-party with Carter. Those details could come later, when she understood more of what she was feeling.

  “I’ve missed so much.” Her mother’s voice held hints of sadness, and Logan’s heart fell. She hadn’t wanted to make her sad.

  “It’s okay, Mom. There will be plenty left for you to catch up on when you get back.”

  “Tacos and girls’ night as soon as I’m home?”

  Logan smiled. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  By the time she hung up the phone, she felt a little lighter, as if she’d somehow made some progress in the whole growing up process. She bit her lip and cupped her phone in her hand. There was no way she was going to have it all figured out overnight, but she might as well stop running from things that made her uncomfortable.

  Want to come over? She typed out the text to Josie and hit Send. Within seconds, Josie replied.

  On my way.

  She looked over to her bulletin board, covered in pictures of her with Josie in every imaginable activity from the time they were ten. There was no reason to feel nervous, but her heart raced. It felt as if her entire world had been turned upside down in a matter of weeks, and it was no wonder Josie kept pressuring her to figure out what was wrong. People didn’t just break up with their boyfriend of three years on a whim, disappear from their friends, and reinvent themselves. Or did they? She bit the inside of her cheek and walked over to the board. Focusing on the picture they’d taken on a summer vacation to Padre Island, Texas, the year before, her heart settled into a normal rhythm. On that trip they’d promised that whatever life threw at them, they’d find their way to the other side. And, just like with Ben, there was no need to over-share details until she had a better grasp on things.

  Before she could dwell on her thoughts more, Josie bounded into her room. She jumped as the door swung open.

  “What’s up?” Josie asked, hopping onto Logan’s bed. “Where’d you disappear to last night?”

  “I didn’t disappear,” Logan said, taking a spot opposite of Josie. “I just found another ride home.”

  “With Carter?” Josie propped herself up on the overstuffed basketball pillow that had been on Logan’s bed since she was twelve. It was a relic of childhood she probably should have gotten rid of, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it yet.

  “Yeah, her mom gave me a ride home. You two should hang out sometime. She’s pretty cool.”

  “I’ll take your word for it,” Josie said, looking around the room as if she hadn’t been in it hundreds of times. “What’s your new fascination with her?”

  “It’s not a fascination. People are allowed to make new friends.”

  “They are.” Josie cocked her head to the side. “They just don’t normally do so in the middle of senior year, especially with someone they’ve never talked to before.”

  “I don’t think it’s all that weird.” She looked into Josie’s eyes and studied her for a minute. What was it she wasn’t saying? Did she think the same things as Barrett? “Tell me about your night,” she said, changing the subject. “Did you and Marco go to Frontier with everyone, or did you have a private after-party?” She raised her eyebrows suggestively, laughing at the way Josie’s mouth fell open.

  “Why not both?”

  “Did you?” Logan leaned in closer. She might not have a sex life to talk about, but she was intensely curious on living vicariously through her best friend.

  Josie smiled and glanced to the floor, as if contemplating her response.

  “Come on,” Logan said, propping herself up on her elbows. “It’s me. Spill.”

  “The night just felt so perfect.” Josie looked up at the ceiling. “Not just the dance. That sounds too cliché, but we laughed and danced and then went to eat with everyone. After that, he drove me out to look at the stars, and I just felt it, so we went for it.”

  “And?”

  “And”—Josie rolled over to face Logan again—“I don’t know. It wasn’t magical like you hear about. It wasn’t mind-blowing, but it just felt right. I don’t know how to explain it.”

  “Are you glad you did it?” Logan watched as Josie’s face lit up, and she smiled. Logan looked up at the ceiling, wondering what it would be like to feel that same excitement at a touch.

  “I am,” she said after a moment. “Like I said, it just felt right, and I’m sure it’ll be better next time.”

  “Was it bad?” Logan crinkled her nose.

  “No, it wasn’t bad. It just was kind of a learning experience, I guess. Remember how it was when we were first learning anything, and we kind of fumbled around with it? It was like that. It was a new experience. It was something I really wanted to do though, so I’m happy I did.” Josie paused, looking her up and down. “Enough about me. Tell me what happened with you and Barrett.”

  “Your story is way more entertaining.” Logan laughed. “You can’t really compare an anti-climatic breakup with having sex for the first time.”

  “Still, I want to know the details. I shared. Now it’s your turn.” Josie reached over, snagging the bottle of water by Logan’s bed and taking a drink.

  Logan smiled at the move. Josie was right. They shared everything, even drinks. “I just wasn’t feeling it anymore.” She looked around the room, noting the pictures she’d have to take down, showing Barrett with his possessive arms around her all over the room.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Whatever ‘it’ is,” she said, using air quotes to get her point across, “it just wasn’t there.”

  “The spark?” Josie grinned. “Is that why you never really wanted to kiss him or do anything with him?”

  Logan blushed and covered her face with a pillow. The topic had come up time and time again, and now that Josie had decided to sleep with the guy she liked just a short time into dating, it only added to the anomaly of her not wanting to. “I guess,” she said after a minute. “You said it just felt right with Marco. It never felt like that with Barrett.”

  “Never?” Josie leaned back and furrowed her brow. “Not even in the beginning?”

  Logan shook her head.

  “When you were making out, you never thought, ‘oh my god, I’m going to lose control’? Not even once?”

  Was she saying too much? She bit her lip, and shook her head.

  “Damn,” Josie said, letting out a sigh. “You do deserve better then. Is he a bad kisser?”

  “How would I know? He’s the only person I’ve kissed.”

  “Well, he must not be great.” Josie shook her head. “Don’t worry, I won’t say anything. I know you’re taking the high road here and everything, but I hope you find much better than that next time.” She stretched her back and leaned closer. “You deserve to feel all the insanity of teenage hormones.” She rolled over onto her back and giggled. “Trust me.”

  “Okay, so it was good,” Logan teased.

  “It was, and I’m really excited to do it again.”

  “I’m happy for you,” Logan said, sitting up on the bed. “One day, I’ll find that too.”

  “Are you going to wait for college, or are you looking to rebound?”

  Logan laughed and shook her head. “I’m not making any plans,” she said. Her mouth went dry. She’d already started making plans. Wednesday, she had a date. She looked down at the floor, unable to look Josie in the eye and lie.

  “What’s going on?” Josie stood and walked toward Logan’s side of the bed. “What aren’t you saying?”

  “I think I’m just going to focus on figuring out what I want for a while.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with that,” Josie said, eyeing her carefully. “If you want to make a list, I’m here for it. Instead of going out, we can order in and stay up talking about what it is you want in a man. Maybe it’s someone at school, or maybe it’s some college guy you haven’t even met yet.”

  Maybe it’s a girl I already have. The thought shot around her head like the ball in the vintage pinball machine at the old diner down the street.

  “Here,” Josie said, pulling out a notebook from Logan’s backpack and grabbing a pen from the bedside table. “I’m ready. Just start listing some things.”

  She wasn’t going to take no for an answer, Logan could tell, so she turned to face Josie, sitting crisscross on the bed. Closing her eyes, she drifted back to the night before. Even if it hadn’t been a date and even though she’d been on a hundred dates with Barrett over the years, it was the closest thing she’d ever felt to being on a date. Her eyes flew open, considering the thought. Not once had she felt that tingle when he so much as touched her arm. Even now, she craved for her hand to brush up against Carter’s again.

  “That look,” Josie said with a nod. “Whatever you’re thinking about. That’s it. I want to write that down. Start talking.”

  Josie drew an oversized heart on the page, and Logan laughed. It all felt so childish, but she couldn’t resist. “Okay, I want someone who makes me laugh.” She thought back to Carter’s dry wit, and the way she so easily made Logan smile. “Someone who makes me feel at ease just by being myself, even if I’m a messy eater and get cheese all over my face.” Josie laughed, but wrote it down.

  “What else? You want a funny guy who likes your cheese-covered face. I need more to go on.”

  Guy. The word hung in the air, but Logan moved past it. “Someone who is a deep thinker and challenges me to look past just the surface level of things.”

  “The anti-Barrett. Got it,” Josie said, making a note.

  Logan looked at the paper. Josie had written ‘not a dumbass.’ She laughed. “You have such a poetic way with words. Has anyone ever told you that?”

  “Just trying to play matchmaker, ma’am,” she said, tapping the pen on the notebook. “What else?” Josie’s pen hovered above the page in anticipation, and Logan wanted to say so much more, but she chose her words carefully.

  “I want someone who makes me feel that desire, that feeling you talked about. I want someone who believes in me and encourages me to try new things.”

  “Okay, so far we’ve got sexy, smart, and funny. What about looks?”

  Logan reached for the bottle of water, buying a minute to compose her thoughts. “Dark hair. Barrett was blond, so it’s probably a good idea to switch that up. A nice smile. Good sense of style.” She listed off the vague attributes like she was creating a shopping list, and nodded.

  “This could really be anyone,” Josie said, shaking her head at the list. “I guess we might have to go out after all, and I can point out guys. Then you can tell me if they’re your type or not.”

  Logan’s stomach flip-flopped. “No, please. Let’s just stay in. I think I deserve at least a night off from guys and dating to just hang out with my best friend.”

  “Fine,” Josie said, crumpling the list in her hand. “We’ll stay in, but I’m not going to let you just sit back and wait for someone to come to you.”

  “I don’t want to search right now.”

  “Okay, I guess that’s fine.” Josie flipped through her phone. “I’m feeling Chinese takeout. You?”

  “Orange chicken, extra egg rolls.”

  “Lo mein?”

  Logan nodded, rolling onto her back. Staring up at the ceiling, she breathed a sigh of relief. She’d survived round one of the inquisition. She could skate by for a while longer, until she knew what was going on.

  Beside her, her phone buzzed.

  “Who’s that?” Josie’s eyes lit up with curiosity.

  Carter’s name flashed across the screen, and Logan’s mouth lifted into a smile. “My mom,” she said, pulling the phone in closer.

  It was just a white lie, but it was safer for now. “I’ll be right back,” she said, taking her phone with her to the bathroom. She couldn’t be on her phone all day, or Josie would be asking questions, but sneaking a text here and there wasn’t a crime—especially not when Carter hit every qualifier on her list.

  Chapter Eleven

  Soft music played on her speakers while Carter chopped veggies. Three hours of online cooking videos, followed by a quick trip to the farmers’ market and the grocery store, and six outfit changes later, she felt like she might be equipped for this. She hummed along with the music and tried to focus on the task at hand, but her hands shook as her nerves built.

  Why had she offered to cook? Wouldn’t it have been easier to let someone else handle the heavy lifting for a first date? She wrung her hands on the kitchen towel and pulled her phone from her apron pocket. She still had another fifteen minutes before Logan was supposed to show up. Checking the pasta on the stove, she walked to the dining room and picked up the candle her mother always kept in the center of the table. This one was leather and amber. That would set just the right ambiance. She lit it and placed the plates on the table.

  Nothing easy is worth having. Her mother’s words rang in her ears. A former therapist turned psychology professor at the university, her mother had always been one for feeling things deeply, trying your hardest, and going the extra mile. She took a deep breath. She’d make her mom proud, even if she hadn’t been completely honest about tonight’s plans. She’d only said she was having dinner with a friend, and her mom hadn’t pressed for details.

  With a sigh, she shoved her hands in her pockets. She didn’t want to keep secrets, but she also didn’t want to blow things out of proportion. Logan had been drinking before she said all those things, and even when she said them, she hadn’t been sure. There was no sense in putting the cart before the horse. They’d see what tonight brought, no pressure either way.

  She really didn’t want to be a science experiment though. With a laugh, she thought about those volcanoes they made in elementary, how they’d explode when you put the right ingredients inside the chamber. If there were ever an accurate depiction of the type of science experiment she’d be, that was it. Pent up anxiety and overthinking streaming into the air when finally allowed to breathe.