And as Susan’s sobs filled the background, she listened to the wind, and she hoped that wherever Dan was, he was okay…

  But she didn’t hold out much hope.

  FIFTY-TWO

  LILY

  DAY TWO: 6:00 P.M

  “Lily? Are you okay, Lily? It’s me. It’s Steve. You’re going to be okay.”

  Lily heard Steve’s voice, but it was muffled and distant. There was a brightness above her, but she couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from exactly. She was vaguely aware of a presence standing over her. No… more than one presence. Four.

  Four people, all looking down at her.

  At first, she felt fearful when she saw these people. After all, the only reason anyone would be looking down on her was if she’d made some kind of mistake; if her anxiety had taken such a hold that she’d made a fool of herself all over again.

  She knew this time it was different, though. She knew what kind of a world she was living in, what kind of changed existence she was on the forefront of. She knew this wasn’t just any old normal bout of anxiety, triggered by something—dare she say it—trivial.

  This was anxiety about the loss of her son.

  This was anxiety about pushing herself to her absolute breaking point outside of her comfort zone and learning when she got to the other side that she might as well not have bothered at all.

  She’d attempted the impossible. She’d done things she didn’t even believe she was capable of.

  And what for?

  What for?

  Because even after all that effort, even after all that work, even after that long, epic journey, Alex wasn’t here.

  Alex wasn’t where she hoped to find him.

  Alex was gone.

  And she had no idea where he might have got to.

  And that thought just crippled her, to be completely honest.

  She thought about all the possibilities. Maybe they’d taken him back home. Which meant she had to go there, too. She had to. She couldn’t give up. She had to keep going. No matter what it took.

  She would walk as far as she could, fight as hard as she could, and she would never give up—anxiety or otherwise—to find Alex again.

  At least… that’s what she hoped.

  She wasn’t sure she had the strength.

  She wasn’t sure she had the confidence.

  She wasn’t even sure she was going to be able to move.

  And she meant literally, too. She felt weak. Right to the core. She felt like she couldn’t move a muscle. That moving a muscle was just going to make her feel even worse. Even weaker. That it was just going to shake the hornet’s nest, and bring the anxiety crashing back to the surface, once again.

  She needed to breathe.

  Just…

  Breathe.

  She needed to breathe, and let the thoughts pass through.

  Like lilypads on a river.

  She needed to breathe and let it all just pass through her.

  She was going to be okay.

  Everything was going to be okay.

  It had to be okay.

  “Lily.” It was Steve’s voice again. Only this time when she saw him, she could hear Sam’s voice instead of his. “Lily you’ve come so far. You don’t have to give up. Not now. None of us do.”

  Lily heard the words, and she wanted to reach out and grab them. She wanted to hold them to her chest like armour to protect herself from the world and whatever it threw at her.

  But it was proving difficult.

  It was proving harder and harder.

  She’d seen so much.

  She’d done so much.

  All of it was catching up to her.

  She’d had a meltdown.

  She’d seen someone die.

  She’d killed someone.

  And here she was with a group of strangers so, so far away from home.

  She couldn’t keep it together.

  She couldn’t pull herself back from the brink.

  Because as much as she wanted to find Alex, as much as she wanted to save her son…

  She wasn’t sure how much fight she had left in her.

  How much strength she had in her.

  She couldn’t⁠—

  “You can, Lily.”

  At first, she wondered if her mind was playing tricks on her again, creating this hybrid of Steve and Sam.

  But when she lifted her head, she saw it wasn’t Steve at all.

  It was Sam.

  Only Sam.

  He was smiling at her. And seeing him right now, it was as if she’d only seen him yesterday, not two years ago. His smile instantly comforted her, eased her nerves.

  “Sam,” she said.

  And she expected him to disappear then. She expected him to just drift away from her consciousness.

  But he was still there.

  Still as real as he’d been all along.

  Dark, swept-back hair.

  Blue shirt, unbuttoned at the top two, bit of chest hair poking out.

  He was here and he was with her.

  She had nothing to fear.

  “Look at what you’ve done,” he said. “Look at how far you’ve come. Think about where you were, what you thought you were and weren’t capable of. And just look at where you are, Lil.”

  She heard his words loud and clear. She felt a swelling in her chest, her heartbeat picking up, the lightness inside her growing with it.

  “Look at where you are. And you haven’t done that because of me. You haven’t done that because of anyone. You’ve done it for yourself. You’ve done it all for our son. And you’re going to keep going, because that’s who you are. That’s how strong you are. Okay?”

  The words got stronger and more resonant.

  And before she knew it, they weren’t her own words at all, but the words of herself.

  I can do this.

  I’ve come this far.

  I am strong enough.

  She heard these words circling and circling repeatedly, again and again, until she felt a wave of tension come over her that she was just going to get lost in them.

  And then there was a smash.

  A smash, and suddenly she was back by the side of that cabin again.

  Steve was standing over her. Becky was by his side. Aubrey and Clarissa were just behind them, looking at Lily with concerned curiosity.

  “Are you with us, Lily?”

  Lily looked at each of them, one by one. These amazing people who had rescued her from certain defeat. These helpful, selfless souls, who had seen something in her and picked her up when she was at her lowest.

  She owed them everything. And whether she found her Alex or not, she would be with them. She would help them.

  No matter what.

  She looked up at the sky. The northern lights were still shimmering above, teasing something impending.

  And then she looked at Steve.

  “I’m ready,” she said. “I know what I have to do now.”

  She got to her feet and walked ahead of Steve, Becky, Aubrey and Clarissa.

  She looked at the country lane. The only lane out of here. The only lane Alex could’ve gone down.

  She felt Sam within her heart, directing her, keeping her strong.

  But no.

  She was strong regardless.

  Stronger than she’d ever believed.

  And she was going to carry that with her forever now.

  “I’m coming for you, Alex,” she said, taking a deep breath. “I’m coming.”

  FIFTY-THREE

  BETHANY

  DAY TWO: 5:30 P.M

  Bethany wanted to give up.

  She was still by Olly’s side. Or his body’s side, anyway. He was definitely dead at this stage. As much as she’d tried to convince herself he wasn’t. That there might be a chance he was actually okay. That someone might come to their aid. Someone with medical expertise. Or that he might just open his eyes and get up. Wake up, and then they could all just learn from this. They could all just learn from this, and everything could be okay again. All of them could be okay again.

  But that was just a naive thing to believe. Because it was pretty clear at this point. Olly was dead. She’d love to pretend that things were otherwise. She didn’t want to see what became of him in a matter of hours. She didn’t want to be around when that process took a hold. How rapidly he might deteriorate.

  She had to be somewhere else.

  And she knew where that someone was.

  She remembered a story her dad told her about when she was younger. The time she’d come down with a nasty fever. She’d had a high temperature, felt tired as anything. She was sent home from school and suspected of a cold.

  It wasn’t a cold. It was endocarditis.

  She didn’t know what it was at the time of course, or how serious it was. But looking back at that awful time as a seven-year-old, she knew just how dangerous the infection on her heart was. It’d attacked one of her valves, made a bit of the valve break away, putting at risk of a stroke.

  She’d gone under the knife. The doctors couldn’t promise she’d ever wake up.

  But she had woken up. And she’d got better. She’d defeated all odds to get stronger and stronger, at an even quicker rate than anyone thought was possible.

  She hadn’t realised it at the time. She’d only been a kid, after all.

  But she hadn’t fallen back on her mum and her dad.

  She’d taken responsibility for herself. Her body had taken responsibility for itself.

  She knew she’d have to fight to get back to full strength. And by God had she fought.

  She wasn’t sure when things changed so much. Well, she did. She could pinpoint it. The death of her brother. The accident. The accident that she felt so, so responsible for. She would never forgive herself for it. The memory, it would keep her awake at night. Being responsible for her brother. Failing at her responsibility over him. That was a painful position to be in. A painful place to be. Something someone never truly get over. Never moved on from.

  But if this world had taught her anything, it was that she couldn’t keep falling back on other people.

  She had to use her initiative.

  She had to change.

  She stood up and walked over to Susan.

  Susan was still curled in a ball. Her head was in her thighs. She was rocking back and forth, repeatedly.

  “Susan,” she said.

  Susan looked up. Her eyes were bloodshot and streaming with tears. Bethany had never seen her looking so weak.

  “He’s gone. They killed him. They killed him.”

  Bethany swallowed the lump in her throat. Hearing Susan’s grief was heart-wrenching, especially after everything they’d been through today. “They did,” she said.

  Susan went to bury her head back in her thighs again. She looked in shock. In total shock. She needed to let her grieve. She needed to let her have this moment. This moment to process things.

  But at the same time… that would come.

  There would be a time for that.

  “We have a choice right now,” Bethany said. “Not an easy one. But we can stay here. Which is dangerous. Especially after what… what we’ve lost… And we have lost. This is awful. I’m… I’m not belittling that.”

  “I loved him.”

  “We all loved him,” Bethany said, her voice breaking. “And we love Dan, too. And he… he needs us right now.”

  She realised then that her conversation was going in an unexpected direction. She’d not even planned on saying what she was going to say. But it just felt natural. It just felt right.

  And from now on, she was going to do what felt right to her.

  She wasn’t going to fall back on anyone else.

  “We’re going to go after those people who took Dan. Those people who killed Olly. We’re going to find them. And when we do, we’re going to get Dan back. One way or another, we’re going to get Dan back. And then we’re…”

  She stopped herself from what she was going to say next. She didn’t like the violence in her heart that it conjured up.

  But it might just have to be the person she became if she wanted to survive this world.

  “We’re going to find somewhere safe. We’re going to survive this. But first, we’re going to get Dan back. Are you with me? We can’t just give up on him. Olly… Olly wouldn’t want that. I know they were at each other’s throats. But we can’t just let them take him. We can’t just let them get away with this.”

  Susan looked up at her, so much doubt in her eyes. So much need for direction in her eyes. Bethany saw a mirror image of her old self peering back, and she felt pitiful.

  But she also felt hopeful, because she knew how strong the capacity to change could be.

  “Are you with me?” She asked. “Because… because I’m doing this. I don’t want to do it alone. But if I have to… I have to.”

  Susan wiped her eyes. She let go of a long exhale. Bethany didn’t think she was going to move.

  But then she stood up.

  She walked over to Olly’s side. She crouched beside him. Stroked his hair, then leaned down and kissed his head.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you so much.”

  She took his hand.

  “I know we weren’t perfect. But I love you. You’re so sweet. And caring. And I never… I never appreciated you like I should have done.”

  She kissed him on the forehead.

  “We’ll find Dan. And—and we’ll never give up. And then we’ll remember you. Properly. We’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget you. I love you. We love you. So much.”

  She kissed him again.

  Squeezed his hand a little tighter.

  Then, she closed his eyes and stood up.

  She walked over to Bethany, and she did something remarkable given the circumstances.

  She smiled.

  “We’re going to do this,” she said. Weak. Broken. Exhausted. Traumatised. But defiant. Which was what was needed right now. “We’re going to get Dan back. And we’re going to find somewhere we can survive.”

  Bethany nodded.

  Then together, they walked to the edge of the road.

  Together, they looked at the road ahead.

  And as the breeze brushed against the trees and the flies gathered around Olly, Bethany said her goodbyes to her old friend.

  He wasn’t going to die in vain.

  He wasn’t going to be forgotten.

  “Come on,” she said, taking Susan’s hand in hers. “Let’s do this.”

  They walked towards the descending sun.

  Broken.

  But not defeated.

  Together.

  Stronger.

  FIFTY-FOUR

  LILY

  DAY TWO: 8:00 P.M

  The sun was setting, and Lily was no closer to finding her son.

  But she’d be damned if she wasn’t trying her hardest.

  She wasn’t going to give up.

  She couldn’t let herself give up.

  For anyone.

  For anything.

  And especially not for anxiety.

  She could feel the coolness of the air against her skin as the sun descended. That provided something of a relief, anyway. She remembered what it’d been like last night, collapsing by the side of the road after one of the more horrid anxiety attacks she had ever experienced and having her worst night’s sleep in memory. Yet at the same time, last night seemed so long ago. It felt like so many things had changed since—like she’d been through so much, like things had happened to her and like she’d done things, too. She wasn’t the same person anymore. Even if the power came back on, and everything went back to normal, she was never going to be that same person ever again.

  And that was going to be the same for so many people too, wasn’t it?

  But more than anything, she felt way more charged than she had yesterday. She felt like she’d hit rock bottom and come out of the other side.

  And despite all of that, she couldn’t deny that one thing alone was charging this newfound optimism.

  She might not have found her son at the camp site.

  At the place he was supposed to be staying at, on this trip of his.

  But she’d found tire tracks.

  They were fresh ones, apparently. Muddy tracks. Another thing Steve seemed to be good at. He really was quite a handy fella to have around. Lily was glad she’d been able to help him return to consciousness. She was glad she’d been able to return his act of kindness towards her. Not just for selfish purposes, of course. She liked the man. He was a good man. A very good man. She would never be able to fully repay him for all he had done for her. Even if she didn’t end up finding Alex, the sacrifices he and his family had made to help her went way beyond what she might expect.

  She might not be able to repay them. But she was going to try.

  The selfish person she was a couple of days ago… that person was gone now.

  This person wasn’t going to give up.

  This person was going to help others.

  Try to find Alex, sure.

  But beyond that… help other people.

  Lose her selfishness.

  Get out of her own head, and thinking about other people.

  People who weren’t just, well, herself.

  She just hoped that somehow, Steve’s own personal journey wasn’t going to end in tears.

  She hoped that his son, Aubrey, was going to be okay.

  She followed the tire tracks in the dirty road. They had been walking for quite some time, but it still felt like they were submerged in the depths of the countryside. Trepidation built up the further Lily walked, Beast glued to her sides at all times, Steve and his family further behind.

  She wasn’t going to take a breather.

  She wasn’t going to give up.

  She was going to keep going because that was all she could do now.

  She didn’t hear Sam’s voice in her mind anymore. She didn’t see his face. Instead, she felt the strength coming from within herself. And that buoyed her. It reminded her that she was strong. Stronger than she’d ever given herself credit for.