Then I heard some more of the creaking and heard another three barrels be released. This time I was ready, though. We had maybe fifteen seconds till they reached us. I raised my hand and began to cast my planned trap. But I also suggested, “Maybe you should hide, so you don’t get accidentally knocked off. Do that explosive thing again, whatever it was.”

  “That was just my little friend.”

  Now, I really wanted to ask her, but I was busy casting, channeling Frost Burn. Instead of aiming for any of the oncoming attackers, I was applying the effect directly to the ramp. The spell caused a buildup of ice about twenty feet from me. With any luck, that would be enough.

  Once again, they were headed down, single-file. The first barrel hit the ice, spun out of control, and flew off the edge, taking its passenger with it. I had helped the process by hitting him with a Flame Burst right before his ride reached the ice. It might not be as good as blinding light, but a foot-wide burst of flame in your face is enough to startle anyone.

  He screamed as he went over the side, but I was already ignoring him as I focused on the next two riders. The second one saw the ice trap, but was too close to do anything about it. He hit the slick and spun out of control. The barrel didn’t go off but was spinning wildly at me. I leapt high again and thrust out with my spear to skewer the rider. A short distance past me, the barrel finally went over the side.

  The kobold on my spear wasn’t dead yet, but I shook my spear and sent him falling down the center. His punctured lung turned his attempts to cry into more of a wet, sucking sound. That left only the third barrel. This rider took a different approach. He leapt from his barrel a second before it hit the ice slick. His wings spread out, and his momentum carried him straight at me.

  Before I could get my spear in position or cast a spell, there was another one of those explosions from behind me. Once again, an invisible blast took the kobold and reversed all his momentum, to send him flying into the wall behind him. Rather than waiting for him to regain his feet, I leapt across the patch of ice and landed on the other side.

  What I saw was both shocking and disturbing. The kobold wasn’t quite dead, but he looked like he probably wanted to be. His scales were shredded, and he might as well have been hamburger. It looked like he’d been blasted apart by a hundred small and jagged projectiles. If this weren’t Legends of Selmia, I would have said that was a shot gun.

  A quick thrust of my spear, backed by my ogre muscles, drove through his skull and ended his misery. Then I looked back at Violet. She was holding a rifle of sorts, except it had to be as long as she was tall. The muzzle of it flared till it was at least six inches wide, which is saying something if you consider she was only three feet tall. Her boots seemed to have sprouted some type of spike contraption to hold her in place. She was rocking back and forth slightly.

  “Holy smokes, what’s that?”

  “Like, I said, my little friend. Behold the power of an artificer with enough materials to work with.”

  My mind was filled with all kinds of possibilities. Ogres with massive cannons that could rip through rows of enemy knights. I just had to frame my questions in a way that didn’t give away knowledge a player would have. “Is it some type of magical thunder stick?”

  “No magic at all.” Then she looked at the ground before adding, “Well, other than the magic of luck to keep it from exploding in your face.”

  “Wouldn’t that be bad?”

  “Of course, but invention requires risk.”

  “Can you make some of those for my ogres?”

  “If you can get me the raw materials and help level-up, I’d be all for it. This is supposed to be fun, and what would be more fun than watching those stuck-up puds in Belchor get their backsides peppered with some grapeshot.”

  “I had no idea that Artificers could make things like that.”

  “Not just any Artificers, but a gnome Artificer with enough materials can. Why do you think they always say, “Gnomes ru…”

  I cut her off then as I stopped my foot. “Nope, don’t even go there. Not gonna hear that one again.”

  She grinned at me again then winked. She definitely had to know what I was, but as long as I played the game, the AI seemed to be okay with it. Our conversation was cut short by a ruckus up above. It sounded like more barrels were headed for us, but this was much louder.

  It didn’t take long for us to realize why. Instead of a barrel, there was a giant cask headed for us, and the kobold atop it was several inches taller than the others. Whereas they had all bedecked with a blend of mottled black and gray scales, this one was a rusty red with an underlying hint of gold. His wings were also clearly far more functional, as he had them spread and was using them to make a more controlled approach.

  When the casket was still on the other side of the tunnel, he spat across the open air. A great burning glob struck the spot where the ice slick was and instantly evaporated it. He picked up speed then and bore down on us. A quick glance showed me that Violet wasn’t going to have her weapon reloaded in time. That was fine, though; I was ready to let loose.

  I cast Polluted Vines to slow he cask. I didn’t think they would be able to stop the momentum but might be enough to knock him off. Then I put my spear up. Sure enough, the vines snagged the cask, and it lurched wildly. The vines were torn up quickly, but even that was enough to throw the kobold free. He spread his wings again and went with it, leaping straight at me.

  I felt a rush of adrenaline surge through me. I wanted this. How dare this puny little lizard challenge me. I was the great ogre, Oogliefrank. It was all I could do to resist Ogre Rage, but it blew my chance to cast anything. Instead, I settled for stepping to the side. Agility might not make me graceful, but it was sure making me faster. I knocked his spear out of the way, and then he crashed into the ground next to me.

  His tail was much longer than the other kobolds’, and he managed to use it as part-whip, part-club as he battered Violet. She went down, but I was sure her armor would have protected her from the worst of it. I dove for the kobold, but he barely managed to dance out of my way. Then he pulled out a wicked sawtooth scimitar. “You ruined Smartie’s delivery. Ruined my reputation for perfect service. Now Smartie will ruin your face. Or I would if it wasn’t already so ugly.”

  Great now, even scaley lizard men were getting into the call-me-ugly business. Rather than bother with a response, I bull-rushed him again. Or at least that was what I made him think I was doing. Instead, I triggered my cloak’s ability again to shadow-step.

  It was just as stomach-lurching the second time, but at least I was prepared for it. Sadly, my stomach was full this time, so a good portion of my breakfast started to come back up. I stopped holding back, though, as the shadow-step worked. All of my momentum went through one shadow and came out another shadow behind him, but traveling the other direction. My force was transferred through, and I knocked him flat on his stomach.

  He squirmed, trying to get free while struggling to look back at me. It was then that I loosed the hold on my roiling stomach and emptied its contents straight into his face. If the taste in my mouth was any indicator, he was in for a bad time of it, and the sheer volume of it was impressive for lack of another descriptor.

  He shrieked, “My eyes, my eyes!”

  But then I grabbed his vomit-covered head in one hand and began slamming it down into the ground. Each blow was accompanied by a puff of black shadow. The damage added up very quickly. It wasn’t a glamourous win, but it was a win, and HP aside, no one could withstand having their head slammed into stone by an ogre repeatedly. Soon his melon caved in like an overripe, well, melon.

  Time seemed to lose its meaning again, as all I knew was the rhythmic pounding, as I slammed his head again and again into the ground. His groans stopped as I felt the bones give way and the turn to jelly under my might. At some point I realized that Violet was speaking to me. I stopped long enough to listen to her.

  “Whoa there, Frank. I think he’s dead.”

  I shook my head. It was like there was a red haze covering my vision. Slowly it receded. Then I looked down at my hand and noticed the disgusting blend of ogre vomit and kobold brains. Definitely no finger-licking for me, no matter what a very disturbed voice in the back of my head was suggesting.

  “You are rather terrifying when you want to be.”

  I paused and then grinned at Violet. “You’re the one with the explosive weapon and Violence in her name.”

  The trepidation on her face disappeared and was replaced by an ear-to-ear grin. “Yep, I knew you’d be perfect for me.”

  Chapter 8- Racing

  Before Violet’s words sank in, another notification popped up.

  You have defeated a Dungeon Event: Rolling Rumble. Dungeon Events are a new aspect of Legends of Selmia, being utilized on a trial basis. Rewards are temporarily increased to encourage participation. Events run on a random schedule.

  XP: 500

  Coins: 50 gold

  Randomly generated magical item for one of the gear slots numbered between 1-20. Result: 14 (2nd ring slot).

  Random rarity: Enchanted, Set, or Mythic. Result: Set.

  Searching for applicable sets. Matching only current set.

  Ring of the Spirit Walker Quality: Set

  Wt: .1 lbs.

  Mana Regeneration increased by 22%

  Will +12

  Further +10% other set pieces’ abilities.

  Spear of the Spirit Walker. Quality: Set

  Wt: 4.7 lbs. Length: 8’ Piercing Damage: 8-48 +40.

  Spells of Journeyman Tier or lower cost 22% less mana to cast.

  Spirit Bane: 17% upon attack. Target’s Resistances are all lowered by 22. Can stack up to 3x.

  I grinned at that. Luck was in my favor with this. If I didn’t have bigger problems to worry about, I would have been thrilled with this new mode in the game. Of course, I was pretty sure it wasn’t really a game; but what that meant was beyond me.

  Violet was grinning from ear to ear. I couldn’t help but pat her on the head. There was something about her size and enthusiasm which was adorable. Of course, that turned out to be an ogre-sized mistake. Before I realized what was happening, I felt a burning slash across my hand.

  I pulled it back looking from my hand to Violet. She practically snarled at me. “Am I your pet now?”

  “Uh… no…”

  “Is that an answer or a question?” She asked as she jumped on my chest and scaled my hauberk like I was some type of training exercise.

  “Neither. Err… What I mean is that you aren’t a pet.”

  By now she had pulled herself up enough to be able to look me straight in the eyes. “Then why’d you pet my head?”

  She was hanging onto my shoulders but had her feet firmly planted at the bottom of my ribcage. But for my armor she would have been crushing my diaphragm, assuming that ogres had diaphragms. I definitely got the sense that whatever I was going to say here was a bad idea, but I couldn’t seem to keep my mouth shut. “You just looked so cute down there.”

  “Cute, cute. Puppies are cute. Babies are cute. Do I look like either of those things to you?”

  “Uh, no.” Why couldn’t I just have kept my hand to myself.

  “Then what am I?”

  “Uh… a gnome?”

  “Still not sure, I see. What else? What else am I besides a gnome?”

  Her face was strangely reddish and her eyes were bulging just a bit. Truthfully, for such a cute face, it wasn’t a good look. My mind raced. I needed to figure out the right answer, the answer she wanted me to say, but my tongue felt like it was covered in saw dust and weighed a thousand pounds. How was it that even here, a woman could make me feel like this.

  Then I realized the answer. “Um, a woman.”

  “Are you sure? You still didn’t sound confident about your answer.”

  I nodded vigorously. “A woman, definitely a woman.”

  Then her expression almost completely changed. It was like the anger disappeared so completely that it had never been there. But I couldn’t be fooled that easily. This was clearly a trap. So, I did the first smart thing I had done since the exchange began. I kept my mouth shut.

  She let the silence linger on for a few more seconds before smiling at me. “And do you think that women like to be called cute?”

  I held back. That was a rhetorical question if I had ever heard one.

  “Let me save you the time. I understand that you’re dense because of that ogre brain of yours. Not sure quite how that works or what weirdness is going on, but let me set you straight. A woman doesn’t want to be called cute unless she is a girl. Girls are cute, women are beautiful. And women most definitely don’t want to be patted on their heads. Next thing I know you are gonna be trying to stack your beer on my head.”

  I almost began to protest that I’d never do something like that, but then I remembered every man’s right against self-incrimination, so I bit down on my tongue again.

  After ten more seconds she said, “Good, you can learn.” Then she jumped off of my chest and did a flip before landing a few feet away. “I have actually been having more fun today with you than I have had in months -- maybe years. Try not to blow it.”

  I just nodded and mumbled, “Okay.” An answer was definitely called for but the less I said, the better. I mean, I knew that what I had done hadn’t been that bad, but it was potentially offensive. I also knew that I wanted to keep Violet around, and it wasn’t like she didn’t have to put up with all my I’m an HI and can’t let you know stuff.

  Then the light switch flipped again and she started showing me the new boots she got. They magically enhanced her ability to jump. She was clearly in love with them. I had to admit that they worked perfectly for her class build. The AI seemed to have gone out of its way to customize gear for us. Hopefully, that was just the event, although I worried anytime the AI seemed to be paying too much attention to me.

  Talking about her new loot was all that Violet needed to switch gears. I was thrilled because I certainly didn’t sign up to get lectured. She was almost as thrilled by the XP as the loot. And why not? Half a level in a single go was pretty sweet. But we could only celebrate for so long. She looted the kobolds who were still on top and took a few coins, scales, and the sawtooth sword.

  Then she looked at me with an apology in her eyes. I didn’t know what to expect this time, since her mood had been so up and down. “I’m sorry. I should have discussed how you wanted to split loot before I took that stuff. I’m not keeping it. I was just going to hold it till the end; then we can split it up. Is that okay?”

  “Yeah, you’ve been fair. I don’t mind if you hold the stuff. That need before greed rule you mentioned earlier makes sense to me. I don’t think either of us need that sword, though, so maybe we can sell it.”

  She shrugged. “I was just feeling bad for yelling at you, then taking the loot without talking about it felt wrong. Anyway, I know you didn’t mean anything by it. At least I hope you didn’t. It just felt patronizing, but this is supposed to be fun, so I don’t wanna bring my issues into it.”

  I certainly didn’t want to touch that one. It was like the girl who starts spilling all her family drama the first time you meet her. I liked Violet. She was good company but I’d only just met her today. It was gonna take a bit before I wanted to hear about her issues. “All good. Let’s kill some stuff.”

  She flashed me that ear-to-ear grin again. “Now, you’re speaking my language.”

  Down below us we could hear the faints sounds of activity. I was more than a little surprised that no one had come up from below to figure out why barrels and kobolds were raining down on them. The fact that no one had suggested three possibilities to me. Perhaps they weren’t as organized as I would have expected, but that didn’t mess with the way they were receiving deliveries. Then there was the possibility that whoever was down below was involved in something too important to bother coming up. That option was sorta foreboding. I couldn’t rule it out, but hoped that wasn’t the case. The most likely course of events was that they were setting traps and ambushes for us if we went down further.

  “Just one thing, are kobolds normally this passive?” I asked.

  Violet was busy checking over her gear and appeared about ready to head deeper. “What’daya mean?”

  “Well, uh… if someone dropped barrels on an ogre village, they’d have a swarm of pissed-off ogres fighting over who got to rip them limb from limb.”

  “Part of the indubitable charm of ogres, I’m sure,” Violet said with a wink for me. “But no, kobolds are lazy cowards. Unless a dragon specifically tells them otherwise, they tend to prefer stealth attacks or even just setting traps. They are stupid but crafty and devious.”

  I wanted to ask Violet how much of that answer was her roleplaying her character and how much was accurate, but I was afraid that the AI would take umbrage at such a question. “We better stick close together then and go slow.”