There's no time for that! Let's go!

  Steve-Lloyd broke into a run, massive feet crunching through the city street. There was no time for caution, and people caught beneath had only a second to scream before they were smashed flat. Each footstep shattered windows, broke water and gas lines, shook bricks from buildings. As they ran, Lloyd looked down from his perch and noticed their huge tentacle dick was stiff as a rock.

  Seeing his own erection through Lloyd's eyes, Steven said-

  It's a War Boner, Lloyd. Stop looking at it. Keep your eyes on House Fucker!

  A moment later, they came around the corner to 5th avenue. The street was flooded with monster spunk almost a story high, and Steven felt his own monster stomach turn sour as the bug-cum squished between his huge toes. Ahead of them, House Fucker was ramming his cock in and out of a skyscraper. Tentacles and spider legs wrapped around the top of the building, holding its tilting and crumbling frame in place as the giant thrust away.

  Two more pumps from the beast and the building was split in two. The Devil Bug, House Fucker, seemed to bend over and look down disappointed, and then tossed the upper half of the ruined structure through the air, where it exploded into a gray-brownish cloud of debris with another building.

  What do we do now!?

  Steven replied by sending tentacles out of his chest cavity of a mouth. He picked up cars and a city bus and dropped them into his big brutish monster hands. Steven took two quick steps forward, and pitched the city bus through the air.

  Lloyd watched it tumble til the bus became smaller and smaller and-

  It smashed into House Fucker’s big ass monster balls and exploded.

  Lloyd's hands shot up, and he cheered.

  Good fuckin' shot, Stevey!

  Down the street, The Devil Bug, House Fucker, bent over in pain. Its terrible voice reached a crescendo so high that almost every window in downtown New York shattered.

  Before it could recover, Steven threw another car, and another, each aiming for House Fucker’s massive nuts. His tentacles reached down into the cum-flooded street, plucking cars up to constantly feed Steven's monster hand. Other tentacles pulled up streetlights and snapped off their ends to make jagged edges and stabbing weapons.

  House Fucker roared, caught sight of some of the flying objects and batted away a few of them with its own tentacles. Some of the cars smashed into its hard crustacean-like shell, some bounced off the shaft of its huge dick, and two more managed to smash into House Fucker's sack. It cried out each time, stumbled and then lumbered forward.

  Oh, he sees us now! Keep pelting his sack!

  Steven sent more tentacles out, reaching for anything he could throw, but the beast was easily twice their size. When it caught up to them, Steven had no idea how they were going to stand toe-to-toe with it.

  Then he got an idea.

  Lloyd felt Steven begin to dip down. What are you doing!? It's coming!

  We don't have a choice, Lloyd! I have to feed!

  Feed!? On what? Wait, oh God! Nooooooooooooo!

  Steve-Lloyd's body dropped down as if to do pushups, and Lloyd wretched and screamed as he felt Steven's monster half began to slurp up gallons and gallons of seed.

  Lloyd screamed unintelligibly, partly in disgust, but partly because something almost electrical buzzed through their monster being. Their body swelled with each gulp. Veins surged with power, muscles bulged and doubled then tripled in mass

  It's working!

  I'll never forgive yuh for this!

  Ah shut up, it's not that bad! Kinda like swallowing snot...

  Oh God, shut the hell up-

  Shit! Here it comes!

  House Fucker shook the earth and rushed forward. Its spidery legs stabbed into buildings, into the street, and ripped chunks away as it drug itself forward. It neared Steve-Lloyd and two giant tentacles shot out like spears towards them and nearly pinned them to the ground. But Steve-Lloyd was fast; they shot back from their pushup position and landed with a quacking thud on their feet.

  The Devil Bug hissed, retracted its tentacles and wrapped them around its cocked and furiously began beating off.

  Shit! Watch it! I think he's aiming for me!

  Steve-Lloyd leapt over to the next street and ducked behind a building as a stream of jizz cut through the air a second behind them. The semen-beam hit the structure with enough force that it severed the building like a high-pressure power washer. Then, as the top of the building begin to teeter and fall, Steve-Lloyd grabbed it, and with both hands tossed it like a medicine ball back at House Fucker.

  The monster hissed, and with one of its huge spider legs, swiped through it in an explosion of dust and chunks of concrete. It went right back to jerking its huge dick at them and hissing.

  We have to plug it up!

  With what!?

  Use one of them light posts you ripped off! Stab it in the pee-hole!

  That's not going to work! It's too small!

  Then what!?

  Steve-Lloyd ducked behind another building, dodging another semen-beam, and rubble exploded over them. They jumped back up running.

  There! We use that!

  Ahead of them stood the Empire State Building, its spire reaching up and touching the sky.

  Miles away

  “As you can see behind me,” said a reporter to his cameraman, and to the rest of a dumbfounded nation, “there are two giant monsters with... dongs bigger than NASA rockets... um... sword-fighting through New York City!”

  “Can you say dong on TV?” asked the cameraman.

  “Fuck if I know, Kevin!”

  “You definitely can't say that.”

  “Say what!?”

  Kevin pulled his face out from behind the camera and looked at Brian Allen, the reporter. “You know, the... the ‘F’ word.”

  “There are monsters fighting with their dicks, Kevin! And you're concerned about me saying fuck!?”

  “I'm not,” the cameraman Kevin replied nonchalantly, and returned back to filming. “The FCC probably is, though.”

  “Fuck the FCC!”

  Kevin shrugged. “You're probably going to regret saying that.”

  The White House

  “We have to do something about these…I can't believe I'm saying this…” growled a general to the president, “these goddamn monsters, sir! ASAP!”

  An adviser shook some papers across the room. “Your poll numbers are slipping each minute these things run amok unchecked, sir!”

  “You're right, completely right,” sighed the president. He looked at the video feed that tormented him. Those terrible, grotesque creatures rampaging, destroying a city, and all the while doing it completely pants-less.

  He felt his blood begin to boil, and knew then what he had to do.

  The president slammed his fist onto his desk. “I know what we have to do!”

  “Nuke them, sir?!”

  “No!”

  “Diplomacy?”

  “What?! No!”

  “Then what!?”

  “We need helicopters. Helicopters with big black cloth rectangles to censor those... those giant... wieners.”

  The room fell silent.

  The adviser spoke up, “Uh, why don't we just have the stations black them out? Edit them out, or blur them?”

  The president turned a set of fiery eyes on the man. “And how does that help all the poor, defenseless children that are seeing those things first hand!?”

  “Sir, with all due respect, there are Godzilla-sized creatures destroying New York City! Kids seeing a big ass monster dick is the least of our worries!”

  “You're wrong about that!” retorted the president. “We're talking about moral decency, the protection of our children! Now get me those goddamn choppers!”

  Back in action

  Steve-Lloyd leapt through the air, reaching for the spire atop the Empire State Building, the way an outfielder dives for a pop fly. A stream of cum blasted past them on their left. Lloyd ducked and held onto his hat the best he could. The beast must've known that Lloyd was the eyes for the operation, because all of its cock-snot attacks were being aimed at him.

  With a great wrenching sound, followed by an audible snap, Steve-Lloyd's monstrous hand ripped the spire free mid-flight. Their dive followed its course, and their body plummeted forward. Steven used his other giant hand to cup and protect Lloyd as they crushed a building, slid through it, and then rolled onto their feet in a crouching position.

  They stood, and turned to meet the Devil Bug, spawn of Yog-Sothoth.

  Time seemed to slow. This next moment would be critical, for even after all their feasting, and the cum guzzling back on 5th Avenue, the Devil Bug still outmatched them in sheer size. Two of its tentacles were now working in conjunction to milk its titanic johnson, preparing for another blast. Lloyd took it all in: the Devil Bug—half centipede, half spider, with a mix of tentacle and uncircumcised sausage—jerking away and hissing in the midst of smoky ruins. To the right, military jets scorched the air on the horizon; and to the left, a V-formation of massive Chinook helicopters chopped a path to them.

  Steve-Lloyd's massive humanoid figure lurched forward, spire in hand, raised like a spear above its head.

  He'll blast us 'fore we get to 'em!

  I know...I'm counting on it!

  Steve-Lloyd sprinted towards their enemy, their chest-mouth wide open, mouth tentacles swirling, swirling.

  The hiss of House Fucker reached a crescendo; it arched its back.

  Lloyd screamed seeing the spray erupt and come hurtling to him.

  AAAAAH JEEEESUUUS!

  And then Steve-Lloyd leapt, moving its chest-mouth to receive the blast of hot fluid while simultaneously protecting Lloyd with its free hand.

  The world watched, gagging with Steve-Lloyd, as they sailed through the air, taking a steady stream of baby gravy right in their mouth piece, and they came down...

  ...and down..

  ...and Steve-Lloyd stabbed the spire into the spurting tip of House Fucker's penile weapon. They landed hard on flat feet and shook the ground so violently that several nearby buildings collapsed. House Fucker screeched in pain and thrashed out with one of its legs, cutting deep into the blackened mutated flesh just above Steve-Lloyd's chest-mouth. Green blood oozed out of them like tapioca pudding gone bad, but Steve-Lloyd returned the favor and snapped off the spire in the Devil Bug's cock.

  It was a melee now: tentacles swiping, insectoid legs stabbing at them. Steve-Lloyd blocked attacks with their own tendrils, dropped down on a knee and socked House Fucker in the sack with a one-two combo that made their enemy's dick spurt green blood swirled with white cum.

  Choppers incoming! Looks like they got somethin-

  Lloyd squinted, wondering what weapon the two massive helicopters could be carrying in tandem. Cables hung from both of the aircrafts, and attached to the cables was a black tube. Before he could even guess what it was, the thing unfurled into a giant black rectangle.

  Another set of choppers behind them uncoiled the same kind of contraption.

  What the hell? What are they doing?

  Steven ripped off a spider leg from House Fucker, stabbed it back into one of the horror's massive roaming eyes, and found himself being stabbed by another leg in his stomach. The Devil Bug shot a group of tentacles up to Lloyd's position, and Steven had to juke his massive body to the right, sweep arm the attack, and counter with a toe-kick to the Devil Bug's balls, while breaking off the leg that ground into their torso.

  Yuh gotta be shittin' me! I tell 'em to bring weapons and look at this shit! They're trying to block our dicks out! Trying to censor us!

  They're cock-blocking us!?

  The White House

  “Operation Cock Block is a success!” roared the president. His hands clenched together in prayer, he stood before a massive flat screen TV that showed all the major media network feeds. They all worked together; with the aid of the humongous black cloths hanging from the helicopters, no one could see a bare-skinned penis anywhere on American television.

  “It will be remembered,” said the president, “that even in the face of terror and destruction, I did what could be done—what had to be done—to protect the moral decency of my country.”

  Behind the president, the general nodded, and the rest of the room nodded with him. They reached their hands inside their jackets.

  “I shall be greater than Lincoln, and Reagan, and Obama. History will know of my prudence, know that I was-”

  -His cabinet members, the general, and even the secret service pulled pistols from their holsters and aimed them at the president-

  “-a man of great integrity and faith. That my moral compass could not be tested,” rambled the president. His speech abruptly ended as the giant insect-like bug swiped the helicopters out of the air. The black cloths fell away and revealed the huge flopping cocks of the beasts.

  “Goddammit!” the president cursed, and slammed his fist upon a table. He turned to face the room and had enough time to make a big dumb face before gunfire erupted.

  A bullet tore through his cheek, another zipped between his lips and shattered his front teeth, another blew off his jaw, several more powered through his forehead and opened up the back of his skull like a flower. Blood and bone and brains and bullets hit the TV, and before his body could hit the ground, both his rambling and the news behind him went black and died.

  The general lowered his pistol, stepped past the twitching corpse and picked up a red phone.

  “There's been a change of plans, gentlemen.”

  ***

  The giants circled each other, tentacles slapping back and forth, tangling in knots. Atop the monolithic figure of his former neighbor, Lloyd peered down as they swayed through the melee. The city around them lay in ruins. Smoky, dusty clouds rose up from the rubble and devastation. They'd carved a circle of flattened destruction in downtown New York City. The buildings that were still erect acted as almost a boxing ring, or a gathering of spectators around them.

  Keep focused on House Fucker, Lloyd! I have to see!

  But three approaching jets to their left had caught Lloyd's attention. By the time he figured out they were F-14's, they were already deploying an array of missiles. He saw contrails blaze a path towards the battle.

  Incoming!

  Shit!

  Steven barely had enough time to cup his hand over Lloyd before explosions ripped into their shoulder and torso. The night sky lit up. Molten-hot fire and pain rocked them, but did little damage. As the flames whipped up in a cloud of blackened smoke, several missiles detonated across the inner belly and back of The Devil Bug, seemingly with no effect.

  House Fucker screeched it's terrible sound and tried its best to pull Steve-Lloyd closer with its tendrils and appendages. Steve-Lloyd fought tooth and nail to attack its cock and balls without being dragged too close.

  The jets dipped back around and opened up with their cannon fire. Twenty-millimeter machine gun rounds pelted both Steve-Lloyd's and House Fucker's hide, and one of the pilots, tempting fate, concentrated his fire into a large blinking eye the size of a football field on the Devil Bug's side.

  Lloyd cheered when he saw the eye dimple and ooze greenish blood. He cheered louder when the eye popped and House Fucker shrieked in pain.

  Get his ass! Get some! Get some!

  Then the Devil Bug swatted the jet from the sky in a fiery eruption. A second later, something large whistled over Steve-Lloyd's shoulder, the whoosh that came with it pulled off Lloyd's hat and then exploded in front of them, tearing off one of the smaller spiderlike legs of the Devil Bug.

  Fuck! Lloyd screamed as the fireball almost engulfed him. He leaned back, shielding his eyes with his hands, and turned atop Steven in the direction of the shot.

  Navy's here! Cannons at our back! Move! Move! Put the bug in the line of fire before they blow my ass up!

  On it!

  Another shell whistled past them and hit House Fucker in the midsection. Streams of green blood and chunks of tentacles erupted from the blast, but House Fucker moved forward, thrusting its cock towards them and trying to wrap them up in a monstrous bear-hug.

  This thing isn't trying to kill us! It's trying to fuck us, Steven!

  Steven batted away the Devil Bug's dick.

  I noticed!

  Fuck it then!

  You mean give up?!

  No! I mean FUCK IT! Fuck it back!

  Another shell came in from the warships in the harbor; this one hit Steve-Lloyd under the right arm and blew a crater of blackened flesh and mutated muscle out.

  Fuck that hurts!

  Keep moving, boy! Flank his ass! I see bombers coming! We're running out of time!

  Steven slapped the Devil Bug's dick away and dove to his left, rolled on his side and came up with an upper cut to House Fucker's testicles. To his surprise, one of the sacks exploded like million cans of silly string.

  KA-BOOM! BOOM!

  Two more shells rocked into House Fucker's back. It leaned forward, tentacles clasping its balls. It cried out— in pain or anger, they couldn't tell. The jets circled back and pounded a trail of sizzling cannon rounds across Steve-Lloyd's back and over the swirling mass of tentacles that made up the Demon Bug's inner belly.

  Lloyd glimpsed down almost thirty stories, saw tanks rolling down streets that were not completely destroyed, and then looked up and saw a line of Apache helicopters releasing Hellfire missile after Hellfire missile.

  Whatever you're gonna do, Stevey, you better make it count! They're coming down on us!

  Through Lloyd's eyes, Steven took in the sights. He didn't know if he could kill the beast before him, but what he did know was a rising sense of anger, and desperation.

  You! You fuck!

  Steven grabbed House Fucker's dick, and to his surprise, the thing didn't back away; instead, it pushed forward, as if it enjoyed his grasp.

  You ruined my life! You sick fuck! You wanna fuck me!? Huh!? How 'bout I fuck you! Fuck me!? NO! FUCK YOU!

  Lloyd cringed when he saw what Steven was doing. Two giant blackened monster hands seized the cock of House Fucker and squeezed it, squeezed it hard. Its pee-hole flared open and dripped gobs of white and green. Then Steven took their cock and shoved the head of it into the head of House Fucker's dick.