The original programme

  CONTENTS

  DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  ACT I.

  ACT II.

  FINALE.

  JANE ANNIE;

  or, The Good Conduct Prize.

  A New and Original English Comic Opera [in Two Acts]

  written by J.M. Barrie and Arthur Conan Doyle

  music by Ernest Ford

  DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  A Proctor

  Sim (Bulldog)

  Greg (Bulldog)

  Tom (a Press Student)

  Jack (a Warrior)

  Caddie (a Page)

  Miss Sims (a Schoolmistress)

  Jane Annie (a Good Girl)

  Bab (a Bad Girl)

  Milly (an Average Girl)

  Rose (an Average Girl)

  Meg (an Average Girl)

  Maud (an Average Girl)

  Schoolgirls, Press Students, and Lancers.

  The Scene is obviously laid round the corner from a certain

  English University Town.

  ACT I.

  First Floor of a Seminary for the Little Things

  that grow into Women.

  ACT II.

  A Ladies’ Golf Green near the Seminary.

  TIME.

  The Present.

  One Night elapses between the Acts.

  The Opera produced under the Stage Direction of Mr. Charles

  Harris and the Musical Direction of Mr. Francois Cellier.

  * Caddie’s explanatory notes are included in an appendix and

  indicated in the text by numbers in square brackets [ ] that

  correspond to the point in the libretto where they appear.

  ACT I.

  SCENE. — First floor of the Ladies’ Seminary. The GIRLS are

  exchanging their last confidences for the night. Enter CADDIE

  with their candles.

  CHORUS OF GIRLS.

  Goodnight! Goodnight!

  The hour is late;

  Though eyes are bright,

  No longer wait!

  Though clear the head,

  Though wit may shine,

  To bed! To bed!

  It’s nearly nine!

  Dining-room clock strikes.

  MILLY. Now the last faint tint has faded.

  ALL. Goodnight! Goodnight!

  MILLY. And the west in gloom is shaded.

  ALL. Goodnight! Goodnight!

  MILLY. See the moon her vigil keeping.

  ALL. Goodnight! Goodnight!

  MILLY. Torpor o’er the earth is creeping

  ALL. Goodnight! Goodnight!

  Drawingroom clock strikes.

  ALL. Goodnight! Goodnight!

  A-talking thus,

  Though eyes are bright,

  Is not for us.

  The eve is past,

  The shadows fall,

  And so at last

  Goodnight to all.

  All retire except CADDIE, who is roused from a profound reverie

  by the misbehaviour of the clock. He makes short work of it. Exit

  CADDIE. There is a knock at the door, and the GIRLS reappear.

  MEG. It was the front door!

  MILLY. Who can be calling at such a fearsomely late hour as

  nine o’clock?

  ROSE. Why doesn’t some one peep down the stairs.

  BAB runs downstairs.

  MAUD. That bold Bab has gone. Miss Sims will catch her.

  MILLY. Oh! I can see. (Looks over staircase.)

  ALL. Well?

  MILLY. A man!

  ROSE. At last!

  MILLY. Bald!

  ROSE. The wretch!

  MILLY. He has two other men with him.

  MEG. Two! Girls, let us go and do our hair this instant.

  MILLY. They are shewn into Miss Sims’s private room. Ah!

  MAUD. What?

  MILLY. The door is shut.

  ROSE. What a shame!

  MEG. What is Bab doing all this time?

  MILLY. She has her ear at the keyhole.

  MAUD. Dear girl!

  MILLY. She shakes her fist at the keyhole.

  ALL. Why?

  MILLY. I don’t know.

  BAB comes upstairs.

  ROSE. Bab, why did you shake your fist at the keyhole?

  BAB. Because it is stuffed with paper.

  ALL. Oh!

  BAB. Yes, stuffed. How mean of Miss Sims. She might surely

  have trusted to our honour not to look.

  MILLY. Thank goodness, the holidays begin the day after tomorrow.

  BAB. But a great deal may happen before tomorrow. Girls,

  can you keep a secret — a secret that will freeze your

  blood and curl you up and make you die of envy?

  ALL. Yes, yes!

  BAB. That little sneak Jane Annie is not here?

  MILLY. She has gone upstairs to bed.

  BAB. You are sure?

  ROSE. I’ll make sure. (Runs upstairs and looks through

  keyhole.) It’s all right, girls! I can see her curling

  her eyelashes with a hairpin.

  GIRLS surround BAB.

  BAB. Then, girls, what do you value most in the world?

  MILLY. My curls.

  MEG. My complexion.

  ROSE. My diamond ring.

  MAUD. My cousin Dick.

  BAB. Well, Meg would be delighted her complexion fair to

  doff,

  And Milly take her scissors and cut her tresses off,

  And Rose with a careless “Take it” give up her diamond

  quick,

  And Maud would soon surrender her rights in Cousin

  Dick,

  To be me tonight!

  MILLY. What is his name?

  BAB. Jack.

  MAUD. A lovely name! What are you and Jack to do?

  JANE ANNIE steals downstairs.

  BAB. This very night we have —

  ALL. You have — ?

  BAB. Arranged to el —

  ALL. To el — (seeing JANE ANNIE.) Oh!

  JANE ANNIE comes forward. All turn their backs on her.

  JANE A. What have you arranged to do tonight, Bab? What is it,

  Maud? tell me, Milly.

  ROSE. You used to be the worst girl in the school, Jane

  Annie, and I believe you have become a sneak to win the

  good-conduct prize.

  MILLY. When it is presented to her tomorrow, I shall hiss.

  JANE A. What is your secret, Bab?

  BAB. Oh, I should like to pinch you!

  JANE A. Just because I am a good girl.

  SONG. — JANE ANNIE.

  I’m not a sneak for praise or pelf,

  But when they’re acting badly,

  I want to make them like myself,

  And so I tell tales gladly.

  Just because I am a good girl.

  ALL. She gives her reasons thus,

  But it’s rather hard on us,

  To suffer just because she is a good girl.

  JANE ANNIE. I told Miss Sims they read in bed,

  Although with guile they cloaked it,

  And when her cane chair vanished,

  I told her they had smoked it,

  And all because I am a good girl.

  ALL. And all because she is a good girl.

  JANE ANNIE. Although misunderstood, I’m meek —

  Bab, pinch me, pinch me well!

  (BAB pinches her.)

  Thanks! Next I offer you my cheek.

  (BAB slaps her.)

  Now, dear, I’ll go and tell.

  And just because I am a good girl.

  ALL. She gives her reasons thus,

  But it’s rather hard on us,

  To suffer just because she is a good girl.

  JANE A. If I liked I could make Bab tell me her secret. Beware!

  I have a power by which, if I chose to use it, I can

  make any one do anything I like.

  MILLY (scoffing). Then why don’t you use it?

  JANE A. Because I am a good girl.

  Exit JANE ANNIE downstairs.

  ROSE. Do you think she has such a power?

  MILLY. Of course not.

  MEG. Still, Jane Annie could not tell a lie.

  MILLY. You mistake. It was George Washington who could not

  tell a lie.

  MEG. So it was. How stupid of me.

  MAUD. Quick, Bab, your secret?

  ALL. Yes — the secret!

  BAB. Girls, this is my secret. Meg, watch! Jack is a

  soldier, and he loves me.

  ALL. Oh!

  BAB. But better still — I have two lovers.

  MILLY. Do they hate each other?

  BAB. Yes.

  MILLY. Scrumptious!

  BAB. And, oh girls! I have promised to elope with Jack tonight.

  ALL. Oh! (BAB sighs.)

  ROSE. But why do you sigh?

  BAB. Ah, there is Tom, dear Tom! What is poor Tom to do?

  ROSE. Then it is Tom you love?

  BAB. Oh, I do not know which I love. Tom is so poor, and

  Jack is ready to take me now. Besides, I have promised.

  MAUD. Then Jack has money?

  BAB. He says he has a little.

  MILLY. Only a little? Then what are you to live on?

  BAB. Oh, we have worked that out very carefully. First of

  all he is to sell out. Then he has a friend who wrote a

  novel in six weeks and got £1,000 for it. Well, Jack

  has much more ability than his friend, so he is to

  adopt novel writing as a profession, and, as £1,000 in

  six weeks comes to £8,666 13s. 14d. a year, we shall be

  quite comfortable.

  MILLY. I see you have left nothing to chance.

  BAB. No.

  ROSE. Where are you and Jack to meet?

  BAB. All day I have been expecting a note to say if I am to

  meet him in the garden or on the tow path.

  MISS SIMS and JANE ANNIE come up the stairs listening.

  MEG. H’st!

  BAB (softly). Girls, we are watched! I must deceive the

  eavesdroppers. (Aloud.) Girls, this is my secret about

  which you have asked me.

  ALL. Ahem! Ahem!

  SONG. — BAB.

  Bright-eyed Bab I used to be,

  Now these eyes are lead;

  Languor has come over me,

  Hangs my little head.

  Now my figure — once like this —

  Droops like autumn berry;

  Pity me, my secret is,

  Me is sleepy very!

  ENSEMBLE.

  MISS SIMS and GIRLS. JANE ANNIE.

  See her little drowsy head, Does her naughty little head

  Droops like autumn berry; Droop like autumn berry?

  Says she wants to go to bed, Says she wants to go to bed,

  She is sleepy, very! But I add a query?

  BAB. Simple Bab is charged with art,

  Watched by cruel parties;

  Palpitates her ‘ittle heart,

  ‘Is where ‘ittle heart is!

  Something Bab has planned to do,

  Something will not keep;

  Bab’s a drowsy girlie who

  Has planned to — go to sleep.

  ENSEMBLE.

  MISS SIMS and GIRLS. JANE ANNIE.

  Such a guileless little head Though she be a drowsy head,

  Secret could not keep; That is rather steep;

  Tuck her in her cosy bed, Tho’ we tucked her up in bed,

  And she’ll go to sleep. Would she go to sleep?

  Exeunt GIRLS slowly to refrain of “Goodnight, Goodnight!”

  MISS S. (to JANE ANNIE). This explanation of Bab’s seems quite

  satisfactory.

  JANE A. Hum!

  MISS S. Bab, to bed.

  BAB. Can’t I stay up for a little, Miss Sims, to entertain

  your guests?

  MISS S. Insolence! I shall see you to your room.

  BAB. I can hear them coming upstairs.

  JANE A. Do tell me who they are. I am not curious. I only want

  to know.

  MISS S. They are the Proctor and his Bulldogs.

  Exeunt MISS SIMS, BAB, and JANE ANNIE.

  Enter PROCTOR and BULLDOGS.

  RECITATIVE. — PROCTOR.

  There was a time when we were not,

  The name that this dark period got

  Was Chaos.

  It lay as ‘neath a ban,

  Merely containing animals, vegetables, minerals,

  Woman and the like, and man.

  Said Nature, “I’ve no Proctor,”

  This strange omission shocked her.

  Too long she felt she’d waited;

  She now enlarged her plan.

  We Proctors were created,

  And then the world began.

  SONG. — PROCTOR.

  I’ll tell to you what ‘tis we do,

  We stalk the undergrad.

  When he perceives our velvet sleeves,

  He runs away like mad.

  Then follow we by deputy,

  These men I now describe;

  My bulldogs sound pull him to ground,

  They never take a bribe.

  In vain he tries to dodge their eyes,

  Of all his haunts they’ve knowledge;

  And soon I make our quarry quake

  By crying, “Name and college!”

  ALL. Name and college! Name and college!

  PROCTOR. Caged lions may forget they’re tame,

  The wife forget her baby’s name,

  The trampled worm forget to turn,

  The Scot to think of Bannockburn,

  One poet in a score forget

  The laureateship is open yet,

  But none who of its gist have knowledge

  Can e’er forget my “Name and college.”

  In after years I fill with fears

  All who’ve been undergrads;

  The Cabinet, the Laureate,

  Still run from me like lads.

  To Parliament I one time went

  The front bench to enlighten,

  I thought I’d try to prove that I

  Could still the members frighten.

  So up I rose, and struck the pose,

  And shouted, “Name and college!”

  Oh, run did they from me that day,

  When I cried “Name and college!”

  ALL. Name and college! Name and college!

  PROCTOR. Comedians may forget their part,

  Librettists that it rhymes with heart;

  Composers may themselves forget

  When ragged rhymes they’re asked to set;

  The Savoy opera singer e’en

  Forget that on his head he’s been;

  But none who of its gist have knowledge,

  Can e’er forget my “Name and college.”

  [Re-enter MISS SIMS.] JANE ANNIE listens from balcony.

  MISS S. Dear friend, you have not yet told me the reason for

  this visit, and I cannot hope that you have called

  merely because of our old friendship.

  PROCTOR. Our more than friendship.

  They sigh. BULLDOGS sigh, and PROCTOR glares at them.

  GREG (rebelliously). We have our feelings.

  PROCTOR. But I object to your having feelings.

  SIM (signing to GREG to control himself). Then we haven’t.

  PROCTOR. Are they still following me?

  GREG and SIM (going to window). They are gone!

  PROCTOR. Ha!

  MISS S. What is it, dear friend?

  PROCTOR. It is the penalty of greatness. You have heard that a

  Chair of New Journalism has been established at the

  University. There has been no peace for me since. The

  Press Students follow me, interview me, describe me.

  You see, honours can now be got in this department, and