MILLY. Rose, you can’t guess how I have been flirting with

  that dark one.

  1ST STUD. (to 2ND STUDENT). I say, old man, I have been going the

  pace with little blue eyes.

  ROSE. I haven’t felt so wicked since I ate twelve penny tarts

  at a sitting.

  2ND STUD. (to 1ST STUDENT). He, he, he! my one asked me what time

  it was. Oh, what a lark!

  MILLY (hysterically, swaggering). Glass of beer, waiter —

  have a weed? How are you, old man? — Glass of beer —

  have a weed? — how are you, old man? Have a weed —

  glass of beer. Oh, Jenny, isn’t it splendid? Glass of

  beer — have a weed? —

  MAUD. Control yourself, dear.

  MILLY. I can’t! This cloak has gone to my head. Glass of beer —

  PROCTOR rushes in accompanied by BULLDOGS. He cries “Name and

  College!” The STUDENTS rush off, the GIRLS all turn their backs.

  PROCTOR. Now, I’ve got you. There’s no mistake this time, at any

  rate. (Takes out notebook.) Name and college, sir?

  GIRLS. Smith of Olds, Jones of New, Brown of New, etc.

  PROCTOR (pompously). Now, Gentlemen of the Press, I have got

  you. For weeks you have followed me with your

  impertinent notebooks and Kodaks. I shall gate the lot

  of you!

  They all rush off laughing, having taken off their caps, and

  reveal themselves as girls.

  PROCTOR. There now! I knew they were girls all the time.

  SIM. Of course, if you say so that is sufficient.

  GREG. Fudge!

  PROCTOR. Hum! Well, perhaps I did make a mistake this time.

  SIM. No, no.

  PROCTOR. And that no one may say that there is one law for the

  humble Undergraduate and another for the great Proctor,

  I hereby fine myself one shilling.

  SIM. There’s a sense of justice, Greg!

  PROCTOR. And I shall pay it after my usual fashion.

  SIM and GREG. Don’t!

  PROCTOR. Namely by proxy. Come, my men, a sixpence each.

  They pay reluctantly.

  GREG. Da — da — da —

  SIM. Greg, forbear.

  GREG. It seems to me that we do nine-tenths of the work and

  you get nine-tenths of the pay.

  SIM. Oh, this dashed independence!

  PROCTOR. Well, you can’t expect to get both the work and the

  pay. They never go together, even in our Government

  offices.

  GREG. Then they should.

  SIM. Greg, Greg! you are flying in the face of the law of

  England.

  GREG. I say it’s a da — da — da —

  SIM. Greg!

  PROCTOR. This discussion is getting hot. Perhaps I had better

  clear the air with a song, the little thing that you

  two composed.

  GREG. But we composed it about ourselves.

  PROCTOR. It suits me better than you. But I am willing to pay

  for it.

  SIM. There’s generosity.

  PROCTOR. I will pay for it by prox —

  SIM and GREG. You can have it for nothing.

  PROCTOR. Thank you,

  The music for song is started, PROCTOR hesitates, yawns.

  PROCTOR. No, it is too great a fag. You shall sing it for me

  instead.

  GREG. At last!

  SIM. Always considerate!

  PROCTOR. But remember, you are to sing it about me — not about

  yourselves.

  GREG. Da —

  SIM. Hush!

  TRIO. — BULLDOGS and PROCTOR.

  When I was a — when he was a little child

  Only two or three,

  All the household went quite wild

  Out of love for — he.

  Cooks and housemaids came to kiss,

  Crowding for their duty,

  And the reason for all of this,

  Was our — my — his too — too — too —

  His too fatal beauty.

  When I was a — when he was a little man,

  Only just of age,

  Off to London then he ran,

  And became the rage.

  High and low they loved us so — him so,

  And claimed him for their booty;

  And the reason well I know,

  Was our — was my — was his too — too — too —

  His too — too fatal beauty.

  DANCE.

  PROCTOR takes the applause meant for BULLDOGS and exit.

  SIM. You can say it now, Greg.

  GREG. —— —— — !

  BULLDOGS exeunt arm in arm, R.

  Enter OFFICERS and JACK.

  MILITARY CHORUS. — JACK and OFFICERS.

  OFFICERS. We are conscious that we slightly condescend,

  JACK. Right turn!

  OFFICERS. But we couldn’t go and disoblige a friend,

  JACK. Left turn!

  OFFICERS. Yet it’s infra dig., you see,

  For such warriors as we

  To come out to cakes and tea

  At a school.

  JACK. Stand at ease!

  JACK. Now a midnight oyster supper would be nice,

  OFFICERS. Very nice!

  JACK. Or anything with just a touch of vice;

  OFFICERS. Just a spice

  JACK. But coming fresh, you know,

  From slaughtering the foe,

  It’s just a trifle slow

  At a school!

  OFFICERS. Mark time

  OFFICERS. Now a midnight oyster supper would be nice,

  JACK. Right turn!

  OFFICERS. Or anything with just a touch of vice;

  JACK. Left turn!

  OFFICERS. But coming fresh, you know,

  From slaughtering the foe,

  It’s just a trifle slow

  At a school!

  JACK. Dress line!

  JACK. Yet from the invitation it is clear,

  OFFICERS. Quite clear!

  JACK. There are maids whose leisure moments we may

  cheer;

  OFFICERS. Hear! Hear!

  JACK. So as a soldier brave

  Is ever beauty’s slave,

  We had a wash and shave,

  And we’ve come!

  OFFICERS. Yet from the invitation it is clear,

  JACK. Left turn!

  OFFICERS. There are maids whose leisure moments we may

  cheer;

  JACK. Right turn!

  OFFICERS. So as a soldier brave

  Is ever beauty’s slave,

  We had a wash and shave,

  And we’ve come!

  JACK. Stand at ease!

  Enter MISS SIMS and JANE ANNIE.

  MISS S. How dare you come here!

  JACK. We come by invitation, madam. Haw!

  MISS S. Whose invitation?

  JACK. Yours.

  MISS S. I invite you here! You are mad!

  JACK. We had a letter from you.

  MISS S. (distracted). Oh, these letters! (Talks aside to JANE

  ANNIE.)

  JACK (to 1ST OFFICER). Never mind her. I want you all to

  flirt outrageously with the other girls, and while Miss

  Sims is trying to stop you I shall bolt with Bab. Do

  you think you could do that, old man? (OFFICER Pulls

  his moustache confidently). Ask the others. (1ST

  OFFICER goes to other OFFICERS, who repeat business.)

  Enter CADDIE.

  CADDIE. Please, ma’am, the brass band is here.

  MISS S. Brass band!

  CADDIE. Yes, ma’am, they say they had a letter from you. And

  the man has come with the bull-pups.

  MISS S. Oh, I am going mad!

  CADDIE. Yes, ma’am.

  MISS S. Let us go and lock the gates. (Exit excitedly.)

  JANE A. (to CADDIE). Do let me kiss you, Caddie!

  CADDIE. Too late! Revenge!

  JANE A. But you wanted me to do it five minutes ago.

  CADDIE. I was a boy then. (Exit.)

  Enter some of the GIRLS from a boat.

  JACK (to JANE ANNIE). Do you know where my Bab is?

  JANE A. Bother Bab!

  JACK. Eh?

  JANE A. I had such a nice dream about you, last night.

  JACK. No, had you? Haw!

  JANE A. Yes, I dreamt that you were to elope with me instead of

  with Bab.

  JACK. Not if I know it.

  JANE A. Perhaps you won’t know it at this time — but you’ll

  know it afterwards.

  JACK (aside). I dislike this girl very much.

  JANE A. (to GIRLS who are flirting with OFFICERS). I have been

  left in charge to see that you all behave yourselves.

  ROSE. Oh!

  JANE A. You and I, Jack, will set them an example.

  CONCERTED PIECE. —

  JANE ANNIE, JACK, GIRLS, OFFICERS, and STUDENTS.

  JANE ANNIE. You and I, dear Jack, will show

  A most excellent example.

  JACK. Scarce can they in virtue grow,

  If they take me for their sample.

  JANE ANNIE. If you list to my advice,

  Keep young men at a safe distance.

  She draws JACK’s arm round her waist.

  JACK. This is strange, and yet it’s nice,

  I shall offer no resistance.

  ENSEMBLE.

  GIRLS. OFFICERS.

  In accord with her This is strange, and yet it’s

  advice, nice,

  We shall keep you at We shall offer no

  a distance. resistance.

  Drawing OFFICERS’ arms round.

  ALL. We/They have learned her/my precept pat,

  We/They mustn’t do that! We/They mustn’t do that!

  And so, of course, the sequence is,

  We/They mustn’t do this! We/They mustn’t do this!

  JANE ANNIE. You and I will also show

  A correct and sober bearing.

  JACK. Though her words are cold as snow,

  Yet her glance is most ensnaring.

  JANE ANNIE. If you list to my advice,

  You will never start off dancing.

  (Dancing several steps.)

  JACK. Though she’s most severe on vice,

  Yet her ways are most entrancing.

  ENSEMBLE.

  GIRLS. OFFICERS.

  In accord with her Though she’s very

  advice, hard on vice,

  We shall never start Yet her ways are most

  off dancing. entrancing.

  All dance.

  ALL. We/They have learned her/my precept pat, etc.

  Enter STUDENTS and other GIRLS.

  OFFICERS. What’s the meaning of all this?

  Who are these who disconcert us?

  STUDENTS. Maidens this is much amiss,

  Surely you would not desert us?

  OFFICERS. Beardless boys, you’d better go,

  Your time hasn’t come, we vow.

  STUDENTS. Aged men, you’re most de trop,

  Your time was, it’s over now.

  CHORUS.

  OFFICERS. Maidens, maidens, can you hesitate?

  GIRLS. Hey, dear, we haven’t got an answer!

  OFFICERS. Maidens, maidens, your reply we wait.

  GIRLS. Hey, dear, the Student or the Lancer!

  STUDENTS. Maidens, we are fresh from college,

  Smile upon us, we implore you!

  Think of all the varied knowledge

  In these heads which bow before you.

  (All bow.)

  OFFICERS. Maidens, with our martial bearing

  And our spurs, we ought to suit you;

  Think of all the deeds of daring

  Done with hands which now salute you.

  (All salute.)

  STUDENTS. Maidens, maidens, can you hesitate?

  GIRLS. Hey, dear, the Student or the Lancer!

  OFFICERS. Maidens, maidens, your reply we wait.

  GIRLS. Hey, dear, this must be our answer!

  GIRLS cross over to STUDENTS.

  STUDENTS. Maidens, you are wise in turning

  Thus to those who most impress you;

  You shall list to words of learning

  From these lips which now caress you.

  (Kiss them.)

  OFFICERS. Maidens, all their vows are idle.

  Here to you our hands we proffer;

  Fresh from sword-hilt and from bridle,

  Here they are, and all on offer.

  (Offer their hands.)

  STUDENTS. Maidens, maidens, do not hesitate.

  GIRLS. Hey, dear, we gave you both our answer!

  OFFICERS. Maidens, maidens, what shall be our fate.

  GIRLS. Hey, dear, we much prefer the Lancer!

  GIRLS cross over and join OFFICERS. Music continues softly

  through following dialogue.

  A STUD. But this is absurd! We are all very distinguished men,

  or shall be some day. And then we are journalists, and

  can describe your dresses in the papers.

  GIRLS. Oh! (Cross over to STUDENTS.)

  JACK. But we shave twice a day.

  A STUD. Why, there is not of us who could not read Theocritus

  in the original.

  JACK. But we are to give a dance next week.

  MILLY. Oh, you dear things, how nice of you! (Cross to

  OFFICERS.)

  Dance. All exeunt except JACK.

  JACK. And now to find Bab.

  Enter TOM.

  TOM. I can’t see my Bab anywhere. (Sees JACK.) Hullo!

  JACK. That fellow here!

  TOM (shortly). How are you?

  JACK (shortly). H’are you?

  TOM (after a pause). Very warm day.

  JACK. Cold.

  TOM. Cad!

  JACK. What do you want here?

  TOM. Private business.

  JACK. Let us be plain with one another. How could you, a

  beggarly Press Student, support a wife?

  TOM. How could you, a beggarly lieutenant?

  JACK. But I am also a novelist — at least I’ve — I’ve

  bought a pound of sermon paper. Haw!

  TOM. Well, I am also a dramatist. Why, I have a completed

  play in my pocket.

  JACK. And a very good place for it too. Haw!

  TOM. What is more, it has a strong literary flavour.

  JACK. Don’t be afraid of that. They’ll knock it out in

  rehearsal. Haw!

  TOM. Nonsense. It’s most original also.

  JACK. That’ll damn it.

  TOM. Originality damn a play! Why?

  JACK. Because ours are a healthy-minded public, sir, and they

  won’t stand it. Haw!

  TOM. It’s an Ibsenite play.

  JACK. Then why not produce it at the Independent Theatre?

  TOM. I did.

  JACK. Well?

  TOM. And it promised to be a great success; but,

  unfortunately, just when the leading man has to say,

  “What a noble apartment is this,” the nail came out and

  the apartment fell into the fireplace.

  Enter CADDIE and BAB. They walk back and forwards as before.

  JACK (amazed). Bab!

  BAB. Oh, Jack! Oh, Tom!

  CADDIE. Silence!

  JACK. What does this mean?

  BAB. I am a prisoner, he is giving me an airing.

  CADDIE. Silence!

  JACK (drawing his sword). Promise not to interfere, or I

  shall run you through, by the bones of my ancestors!

  CADDIE (aiming a catapult at him). Advance another step and

  you are a dead man, so help my bob!

  JACK is discomfited, but TOM seizes CADDIE from behind, and they

  get him to the ground.

  JACK. Promise!

  CADDIE. I gives in! You have my word of honour! It’s your hole.