“Says you,” Seth muttered, but Kelly was giving him the baby and kissing him brusquely on the cheek, and it was time to table this discussion for later.

  Xavier Cruz settled into the crook of Seth’s arm and looked tranquilly up at him for a minute. Seth tried another smile.

  Finally, he got one back.

  Yeah, fine. He could wait. He had a family coming to live with him, where he was doing the thing he was best at in the world.

  What was another month?

  KELLY CLEANED up and walked Seth upstairs, Xavier still in his arms. “The hospice nurse is here,” he explained, opening the door. “So I’m going to take X-man—”

  Seth grunted and pulled the baby tighter.

  “Yes, I’m taking him. We’re going shopping at Walmart, and there’s X-man things he needs. He’s growing out of his one-piece pajamas, and you need to talk to my brother without him as a buffer.”

  “Damn.”

  Kelly laughed, and something about the laugh made Seth remember when he’d been fifteen and nothing had hurt him.

  “It won’t be as bad as you think,” Kelly promised softly. He paused in the middle of the living room and looked around. “You know, if you and me and the babies move to New York, and Lily and Lulu take over yours and your dad’s apartment and pay rent, and there’s only Agnes living here, in her own damned room, do you think we can get them more furniture?”

  Seth looked at the tapestry couches and stuffed chairs, the peeling laminate on the bookshelves and TV stand, the curtains that Linda had probably gotten when Kelly was a baby because they were all Seth could remember.

  “Maybe they can get a house,” he said thoughtfully. “Or move. After Agnes graduates, you know? Maybe our folks can take a trip, get an RV.”

  He and Kelly met eyes, apparently on the exact same page. “Something, anything, but here,” Kelly agreed. And his smile, when it came, was shining. “I should have been patient, Seth. I should have had faith.”

  Seth shrugged, feeling heat in his face. “It’s been almost nine years. Only losing faith for a few months? Coulda been worse.”

  His heart was still raw and sore. He knew it would take longer than that before he stopped rubbing his chest when he thought of April. But faith—he had it now.

  Kelly’s mouth on his was sweet but brief.

  “Okay. Brace yourself. He doesn’t look….”

  “Like Matty?”

  “Like human. I’m not kidding, Seth. It’s bad.”

  It was and it wasn’t. Matty’s meat-sack was about finished—Seth wasn’t blind. The pathetic fringe of hair around his crown looked mangy and almost infectious, and his yellow pallor and bloating were sickly in the extreme.

  But for the first time in years, his eyes weren’t full of hate, and he smiled as Seth walked in, gently, like he used to when they were kids.

  “Hey, Seth.”

  “Hey, Matty. What’s doin’?”

  “Heh heh. Or is that what’s dyin’?”

  Seth groaned and took a seat near the bed. The hospice nurse was sitting in her corner, reading her phone, and she looked up and smiled absently. A middle-aged woman with dyed blonde hair and a formidable bosom, she looked sort of like Seth would expect someone who watched people die for a living looked. Like she could be pleasant and kind on command, but like she saved her deeper involvement for her own family.

  “Yeah,” Seth said, giving Xavier to Kelly reluctantly. “Sorry about that. Sucks.”

  Matty paused to look at the way Seth held the baby, bussing him on the top of the little head as he handed him over.

  “It does for me,” he admitted. “Where you goin’, Kel?”

  “Walmart.” Kelly rolled his eyes fondly at Seth. “He got on a plane with a tiny suitcase full of dirty clothes. And he’s so skinny at this point that when they come out of the wash, they’ll still fall off his ass. Can you believe that?”

  Matty nodded, a slow smile on his face. “Some things don’t change,” he rasped, and then coughed into a bloody wad of tissues in his hand. “Some things do.” He grimaced at Kelly. “I’ll be done in an hour. Will you be home by then?”

  Kelly shrugged. “Hour and a half—gonna get some groceries too. Want something, Seth?”

  Seth regarded him blankly, and Kelly and Matty laughed together.

  “Good one, Kel!” Matty said, coughing again. “But seriously, bring him some ice cream or something, just for me, would you?”

  Then Kelly did something unexpected and tender, something that mended so much in Seth’s heart he almost couldn’t think or breathe. He bent over and kissed his brother’s forehead.

  “Don’t die until after Thanksgiving. Deal?”

  “You want me to die on your birthday? Wow, I must be a real bastard.”

  Kelly laughed grimly and then kissed Seth’s cheek before taking Xavier away with him, still laughing.

  Seth was left in the room with Matty and an indifferent nurse, but he was okay. Kelly loved his brother again.

  “Thank you,” he said quietly, wishing for something to do with his hands.

  “For making your life fucking miserable for eight years? Sure.”

  “No. For coming back and making him okay. He missed you.”

  Matty looked directly at him, apparently too weak for bullshit or evasion. “I fucking ruined your lives, Seth. And part of it was being high, and part of it was being confused, and a lot of it was being scared of Castor Durant, because he threatened me every fucking day until he died. But after that, it was jealousy, pure and simple. Do you know why?”

  Seth shook his head helplessly. “No.”

  “Because my life was shit, and you and Kelly—you kept that… that innocence from when we were kids. Every time I saw you, I’d expect you to be grown-up Mr. Businessman Musician, like a rock star, using your talent for a buck. But when I did see you, it was through the eyes of my family, where you were a saint and Kelly was living in my father’s footsteps, and I’d killed my father and I had nowhere to go but down. You were both still… kind. Still family. And still in love. And I… I mean, I’m an addict. And a drunk. I didn’t have many saving graces as it was. But the things I said to you, about being a psycho, a pervert, belonging in a cage—those things… they weren’t true. And I knew they weren’t true when I said them.”

  Seth’s chest hurt. And his ears and his throat and his head.

  And his heart.

  “Why did you say them, then?”

  “Seth, do you remember what happened the night Castor Durant died?”

  Seth shook his head. “Some of it.”

  Matty nodded. “I didn’t think so. I need to tell you a story, Seth. One I won’t be taking to my grave—I promise.”

  Seth swallowed, his mouth suddenly really dry.

  “Nurse Cathy?” Matty asked, his voice not getting any smoother. “Is there any way you could get my friend here some water? And me too, if you don’t mind. Take about fifteen minutes, I think.” His lips thinned, which was what passed for a smile on his ravaged features. “And, you know, maybe don’t let him kill me when I’m done here.”

  “I wouldn’t kill you,” Seth said automatically.

  “I know you wouldn’t,” Matty told him. “I’ve always known.” He nodded at the nurse again, and she left uncertainly.

  And then he told Seth a story about two boys walking outside one night, under a low-hanging moon, rotten as spoiled fruit, both of them searching for vengeance.

  And how one almost died and the other escaped.

  To die every day thereafter.

  Giving Thanks

  WHEN KELLY got home that afternoon, Seth was sitting on the couch, just staring into space, his hands dangling loosely between his knees.

  “Baby… is everything okay?”

  “Yes,” he said blankly. Then, “No.” Then, “Can we get out of here? Is X-man asleep yet, or can we take him on a walk?”

  Xavier was starting to fret in that way that meant he wanted his prenap bottle, and Kelly dropped the mass of Walmart bags on the floor. “Here—take these downstairs and change, and I’ll get him a snack and pull the stroller from the back of the car. Meet you in ten, yeah?”

  Seth looked at him with such gratitude, Kelly wanted to preen. “That’s the best idea.”

  But Kelly had to ask. “Seth, are you sure? You’re… you know. I mean it’s been eight and a half years, but the case is still hot. Someone’s gonna remember. Sometime.”

  Seth nodded. “Don’t worry about it. Don’t ever worry about it again. I’m free.”

  With that, he left, taking his clothes downstairs, and Kelly couldn’t get him to say anything more on the subject.

  They walked, such a simple little walk now, as adults.

  They didn’t walk up to the bus stop, to the laundromat that had been the source of their nightmares, or the minimart that had been razed. The vacant field where Castor Durant had died was now another apartment complex, with a playground in the center.

  It looked better that way.

  Instead, they walked down to their old grammar school, where not even Agnes went anymore. Chloe’s was a couple of miles away because it had her special education program, but this was the school that had all five of the Cruz kids listed on a plaque in the front office. This was the school where Seth and Matty and Kelly had stood up and played the violin and Seth had found his thing, his one true thing, the thing that would set him free and let him fly.

  As Kelly looked around, he realized that some things had changed. They’d leveled the kickball field to put in portable buildings, and refurbished the soccer field so it could be used by recreational clubs. They’d repaved the blacktop with the basketball hoops and taken out the tetherball poles. The play structure had changed to something modern and less dangerous than the metal nightmare that Matty had always excelled so much at, and the front office had a new layer of paint.

  Mrs. Joyce had retired the year Agnes left. Someone else ruled Three Oaks Elementary School now, and as they walked under the yellow sunlight of November trees, Kelly felt time passing in all his bones.

  And it hit him.

  They weren’t that old.

  “Seth?” he said, after Xavier’s silence let him know that it really was just him and his lover, alone in the late autumn afternoon.

  “Yeah?”

  “We have our whole lives ahead of us.”

  Seth put a possessive hand in the small of Kelly’s back, and neither of them was afraid. Whatever Matty had said to him, it must have given him some peace, and Kelly didn’t want to shatter it by asking for details.

  He’d gone on faith for the past eight and a half years, belief that the man he loved couldn’t be a killer. Here, in this serene moment, he knew this for fact. Not belief. Whatever Matty had said, no matter what Matty had known that Seth hadn’t, Kelly had that peace in his heart.

  “We’re free,” Seth said simply. “We’ve always been free. We just didn’t know it. But now we do.”

  “What happened—”

  “Later.” Seth stopped in a patch of sunshine and turned his face to the sky. “It’s beautiful,” he said. “But there’s no ocean. You know, I’m sure we could find a place back east that’s near the sea.”

  “It’s not called the Jersey Shore for nothing,” Kelly supplied helpfully, and Seth grinned at him as a reward.

  But his eyes were still far away.

  “I want to get married,” he said softly. “In a church if you want, or in a field if you don’t. Or in Monterey on the beach if you don’t mind the cold. I want to go back to New York and say my husband’s coming, and our adopted children. And this half person I’ve been, when I’m away from you, he’ll get swallowed up by the whole person I am right now.” He looked at Kelly directly, the green of his eyes clear as a laser. “Is that okay?”

  Kelly remembered his brother’s wedding, how he hated Matty for it, and how he’d wanted one of his own. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted,” he confessed, locking the stroller and wrapping his arms around Seth. “It’s the best birthday and Christmas and Thanksgiving I could ever have.”

  Seth’s arms came around him, warm, so strong, and he knew without a doubt that this man—this man who’d sprung from his dreamy boy—could take care of Kelly like nobody else in the world.

  And Kelly would care for him back.

  “Ready to go home?” he asked breathily.

  “Wherever that may be.”

  THAT AFTERNOON, they spent time in Seth’s father’s apartment. X-man went down hard, like always, sleeping quietly in the porta crib while Seth and Kelly disappeared into the bedroom and stripped, looking at each other in awe in their ritual of rediscovery.

  “You’re skinny,” they both said at the same time, and then shared a sad smile.

  And then Kelly had to kiss him, to possess him, because Kelly had been the damned fool who’d let him go.

  Their bodies remembered.

  Their bodies remembered how to move, how to kiss, what to stroke, what to nibble. Their bodies blended together like they’d never been apart, like they’d been primed, these past months, to fit together like lock and key.

  This time Kelly was the key and Seth was the lock, and as Kelly thrust inside his lover’s trusting body, he felt himself float with Seth. Together they rose up, up, beyond this tiny corner of the earth and into the stratosphere, somewhere they could see the future, somewhere they both existed in place and time.

  This time Seth took him for a walk among the stars, before their crest broke, both of them crying out, panting, their noises as hushed as they could make them as they fell back to earth, Kelly still moving inside Seth, their fingers laced together so tightly their knuckles were white.

  Their bodies remembered—but they remembered the loss too. They weren’t willing to take being locked together for granted.

  Kelly collapsed into Seth’s arms, and Seth held him as their harsh breathing filled the room.

  “Monterey,” Kelly said. “The day after Christmas. You find the rental. I’ll find the priest.”

  “Vince,” Seth said. “He got ordained in Hawaii three years ago for a cousin. I’ll ask him if he can officiate.”

  “Maybe two rentals,” Kelly said. “One for the family and one for us.”

  “We gotta get super good at this again,” Seth agreed. “Fill us up while I go find us a home.”

  “Our home. You’re gonna go find us a house.”

  “Mm. Yeah.”

  Promises. Promises they could keep.

  Music to Kelly’s ears.

  MATTY DIDN’T make it until Thanksgiving.

  Three days after Seth came back home, the nurse greeted them in the morning after Craig and Linda had left for work, and told them that Matty was unconscious and probably wouldn’t wake up again.

  An hour later, after sitting next to the bed holding hands, talking to Matty’s still form about all the things they should have been doing in the last eight years but couldn’t, the heart monitor by his side flatlined, and he was gone.

  Kelly called the coroner while Seth called his father. Linda had stayed up half the night, reading Matty his favorite stories, and all the girls had said goodbye that morning, before he’d slipped away.

  They’d made their peace. They’d said their goodbyes. It was time for honest grieving.

  They spent the week of Thanksgiving practically chanting Matty’s name like a prayer, possibly making up for all the years they spat it as a curse.

  They had the funeral the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Only the family showed—Isela, her father, their church, all of them noticeably absent, although Linda had tried to let Mr. Cortez, at least, know Matty was gone.

  It didn’t matter. The family was enough.

  Seth played pop songs from their high school, mostly, and then, like at Matty’s father’s funeral, “Hallelujah.”

  It did the same thing now that it had then—it let them grieve for someone who was far from perfect, but who had left a dent in their lives just the same.

  THE NEXT evening, just as Seth and Kelly were getting dinner on the table, there was a knock at the door.

  Three men stood there—one young guy not much older than they were, in a cheap suit, one shark-looking guy with brown hair and a beak of a nose in an expensive pinstripe, and one scrawny, insanely hot tomcat in jeans.

  The scrawny one looked oddly familiar.

  “Officer Rivers?” Kelly asked, feeling blindsided. “Wait—are you still Officer Rivers?”

  Rivers shook his head. “No, Kelly, not anymore. Now I’m a PI for a law firm. But I’m glad to see you doing well. Can we come in?”

  “Yes,” Seth said unexpectedly from Kelly’s elbow. He extended his hand. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Rivers. Kelly, go get my dad and your mom, okay?”

  Kelly glared at him. “What in the hell—”

  Seth looked at him serenely. “Don’t worry, baby. Remember when I said we were free?”

  “Yeah.”

  “This is what’s gonna set us free.”

  “’Scuse me.” Kelly looked over his shoulder and slid out the door so Seth could usher their new friends in. “Let me get my folks.”

  Craig and Linda had no idea what this was about, Kelly could tell. He’d interrupted them in the middle of lounging on the couch, feet up, holding hands and smiling stupidly at the television. And he knew that because nobody had bothered to fix the gap in the curtains in nine goddamned years.

  When they got to the upstairs living room, Seth had brought in water for the three strangers on the couch, and the girls—all of them—had gathered, children on their laps as they sat on the floor and looked avidly at this new entertainment.

  “So,” Seth said as Craig took one of the stuffed chairs, Linda on his lap, and Kelly sat in the other, “this is, uh… well, Detective Kryzinski, and you know Mr. Jackson Rivers. And this is his boyfriend, defense attorney Ellery Cramer.” He paused and looked at them all in turn. “I got that right?”

  “Yeah.” Rivers grinned at him. “You’ll have to excuse Ellery. He’s a little bit starstruck. He’s been following your YouTube channel for the last three years.”