Friday 21 April

  Phew! Just tried to do a few press-ups. No luck. Managed to push myself up once; then I collapsed and couldn’t get up again, just lay there on the ground, panting. Guess I’m really out of shape now.

  The meal last night was good and much needed, but after weeks of next to no eating, followed by four nights sleeping down a well with only the grubs for dinner and company, I wasn’t feeling exactly refreshed.

  Besides, I have to conserve what little strength I have, because this weekend is going to be the one.

  I know where Grandma’s house is!

  Yup, that’s right. As I was finishing my stew last night, the old woodcutter said, ‘So, what’s a wolf like you doing all the way out here anyway? Don’t normally see your type at this end of the woods.’

  I straightened, coughed politely, and, wiping the stew from my chin, I said, ‘Actually, I wonder if you might be able to help me. I was looking for a little old lady’s house – maybe you know her? She’s got a granddaughter, Little Red, cute little thing, wears a red cape?’

  The woodcutter’s face turned serious. ‘Now, what does a wolf like you want with good people like them? You’ve had your stew. You go on home now and leave them alone.’

  ‘My dear sir,’ I said, pulling a wounded face, ‘you’ve got me all wrong! Little Red is my friend. Sadly she’s not very well. She ate a mouldy sausage at a party, and can’t make it to her grandmother’s this Sunday like she normally does. So she asked if I might deliver some baked goods for her. Only I got lost and fell down that well, and in the end I was down there so long, I had to eat them to stay alive…’

  The woodcutter looked puzzled. ‘I even ate the basket,’ I added hastily. He smiled uncertainly. ‘I need to put this right. Check that Red is on the mend, then pay a visit to her grandma. You don’t happen to know where her house is, do you?

  There was a long pause, and for a second I thought I’d gone too far. There’s no way the woodcutter would believe a story like that from a wolf like me.

  But he suddenly took off his hat and bowed his head. ‘My apologies, Mister Wolf. Clearly, I’ve misjudged you. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my long life, it’s that you can never judge a book by its cover – or in this case, a wolf by its teeth. I forgot that. I’m sorry.’

  Ha!

  That’s right!

  The old softy fell for it, hook, line and sinker!

  ‘How true indeed,’ I said, doing my best not to smirk. ‘I see with age comes wisdom.’

  ‘Along with a stiff back and achy knees – but you can’t have everything!’

  He laughed loudly at his own joke, and I chuckled along obligingly. Then I waited for the old man to give up the goods. I coughed. He was still chuckling. It seemed his memory was in as bad a shape as his knees.

  ‘Um, so…’ I prompted. ‘Grandma’s house?’

  ‘Ahh, yes! Right… well, you were close! We’re practically neighbours. See those three big oak trees over there? There’s a clearing between them, and that’s where you’ll find her. So as long as you can make your way back here, you should be fine… Think you can do that?’

  ‘Oh definitely,’ I said, although in truth I wasn’t sure at all. Where was I? I had just been chasing that flash of red… I hadn’t been paying attention to where I was going.

  ‘If you could just point me in the direction of the crossroads,’ I gushed, ‘I’m sure I can work it out… Oh, and if it’s not too much trouble, perhaps a hunk of bread for the journey home?’

  I’d had another one of my ideas, you see…

  All the way home, I’ll drop a trail of crumbs so I can find my way back.

  And I’m going to memorise the route so when Sunday comes, I’ll know exactly where to go. I’m not leaving anything to chance now!

  It’s later now and I’ve just got in. I really do not like birds.

  Not ONE LITTLE BIT.

  Grrr. Stupid idiots ate all the crumbs!

  Perhaps I should have seen that coming…

  Been walking ALL DAY. Couldn’t find the trail anywhere. Came home exhausted and hungry.

  Will try again tomorrow.

  Saturday 22 April

  At last… I am at Grandma’s house!

  Too tired to be excited, though, and it’s too late to head home. Got spots in front of my eyes. Possibly starving? Tried to snatch a squirrel from a low branch for dinner, but it hopped away from me easily and I lost my balance and fell over.

  Just going to sleep here, where I fell, under this tree, and rest. Till tomorrow…

  Sunday 23 April

  And so here we are at last – the day of reckoning!

  Little Red has tricked me, lied to me… LAUGHED at me.

  I’ve been almost eaten by a witch, and nearly burned alive…

  I’ve barely eaten or slept this week – this whole spring, in fact.

  I’ve spent four nights down a well, two lost in the woods, and now finally – FINALLY – it’s payback time!!

  Oof, shouldn’t howl. That made me feel dizzy. I need to conserve what energy I have left.

  Still, I’m here now. I am literally camped outside Grandma’s house. Nothing and no one can stop me now!

  Still an hour or so till Little Red arrives. Plenty of time to get in there and gobble up Grandma. I doubt a little old lady will put up much fight. Then all I have to do is lie in wait, digesting my starter, and wait for my main course to come knocking.

  Let’s face it, Red’s got NO IDEA what she’s up against. She’s practically going to walk right into my mouth! It’ll be like taking candy from a baby. EASY.

  Okay… This is it. Here we go.

  I’m going in!

  Something the somethingth of something

  No idea what day it is.

  Woah, what time is it? Is it dark already?

  Wait – what DAY is it? How long have I been asleep?

  WHERE AM I?

  Oh no, oh no, oh no…

  I’m not still…??

  Oh no, I am.

  I’M IN GRANDMA’S BED!!

  But where’s Grandma? And where is Little Red?

  This is not good. I am NOT enjoying the memories that are coming back.

  And –

  my tummy hurts so much. And obviously not for the good reason that I ate a hearty grandma-and-granddaughter two-course meal.

  Nope, I have the distinct memory that I didn’t. That I ate…

  Oh no…

  I can’t believe this has happened to me.

  Why am I still here…?

  And, wait – is that…? Is there someone else in the room…? Over there, in the rocking chair, asleep?

  Is that…?

  That can’t be…

  Is it…?

  All I can see is a vague red blur. Can’t keep my eyes open. Must sleep.

  Tuesday 25 April

  I’m awake again. It’s daytime now, and there’s nobody in the rocking chair. Maybe I dreamed it all.

  I’ve just tried to get up, hoping to sneak back to my den, but I was too weak, and my tummy is still really sore.

  Everything’s a horrible blur. I don’t really want to remember… but I guess I should.

  I remember… knocking on Grandma’s door…

  ‘That you, Red?’ called a voice from inside. ‘It’s open, dear. Come in.’

  Well, she didn’t have to ask me twice. I kicked the door open dramatically.

  ‘Grandma!’ I bellowed. ‘We meet at last!’

  Grandma peered at me over her glasses. ‘Who are you, dear? Do I know you?’

  ‘You might know of me… I have a certain fame round these parts,’ I said, marching into the centre of the room, and standing there, hands on hips, waiting for her to recognise me and SCREAM in terror.

  Grandma was still peering over her glasses. ‘No, I don’t think so, dear. Can I help you?’

  ‘Can you help me?’ Well, that got my scruff up, I can tell you! ‘I am the BIG BAD WOLF!’ I bristled. ‘I don’t need your help.’

  ‘Okay, dear,’ said Grandma, getting out of bed. ‘Are you sure? Only… your fur looks awfully dusty and you seem a little unsteady on your feet. Are you unwell?’

  Then, to my surprise, Grandma started walking towards me with a concerned look on her face – and do you know what that woman did? She put a hand on my forehead!

  ‘You seem a little hot, dear… Can I get you a glass of water?’

  Furiously, I batted the hand away. ‘I do not want a glass of water… I am here to FEED!’

  ‘Okay, dear. Well my granddaughter will be here with some pies soon. Why don’t you settle yourself down in that rocking chair, and—’

  ‘SETTLE DOWN????’ I shouted. ‘I will NOT settle down, and I don’t want any stupid pies. I am going to eat YOU!!!!’

  And with that, I pounced. Or I thought I was pouncing, but a moment later, I found myself on the floor. I seemed to have lost my balance and fallen over. My head was spinning. I was seeing two of everything.

  Next thing I knew, Grandma had picked up her broom and was trying to sweep me out of the door, like I was a stray dog off the street!

  ‘Go on, shoo!’ she said. ‘If you’re going to be like that, just get out…’

  ‘STOP THAT!’ I shouted, shielding my head. I managed to wrestle the broom away from her and chuck it across the room, but the effort left me dizzy and confused. Finding myself unable to stand, I gave a half-hearted lunge, somehow ending up with my jaws wrapped around her shoe. For a while, she dragged me along the floor towards the door. When I refused to let go, she wiggled and wiggled and wiggled her leg, which made my head spin even more, until her foot came loose, leaving her shoe clutched in my mouth. Grandma grabbed her coat and ran for the door.

  I bellowed in frustration, and in the next breath, I sucked up the shoe by mistake… and swallowed it!

  Grandma turned to shake her head at me sadly, then walked out.

  Okay, okay, okay… I thought. It’s not the end of the world. So Grandma got away. She was never the main course anyway. I mean, neither was A SHOE, but never mind!

  I had to think straight. But it was hard… My tummy did not feel right and neither did my head.

  Eventually, I managed to pull myself up from the floor. Stumbling over to the wardrobe, I selected a rather fetching pink dressing gown and a large fluffy shawl, and, wrapping myself up in them, climbed gratefully into bed. The sheets were so cool and calming and there was a cosy patchwork quilt to snuggle under. Once I was in there, I spotted a very comfy-looking white lace bonnet hanging on the bedpost. The perfect disguise!

  I was exhausted, and my tummy was starting to ache. I must have closed my eyes for a moment, because the next thing I knew, I heard a voice from the door saying, ‘Grandma?’

  Quickly, I pulled the duvet up to my chin, arranged the bonnet, and waited. My heart was thumping loudly. This was it! This was the moment I had waited for!

  ‘Why, Grandma,’ said Little Red, ‘why’s the door open? Is everything okay?’

  I moaned in response. I didn’t exactly mean to, but the shoe was wedged in my stomach, and I was in a lot of pain.

  ‘Why, Grandma,’ said Little Red again, stepping towards the bed, ‘what’s wrong with your voice? Are you sick?’

  ‘Maybe just a little, dear child,’ I said feebly. No acting required, considering the state I was in. ‘Come closer, so I can see you more clearly.’

  She sat on the edge of the bed, right next to me. That pesky girl was so close, I could just reach out and grab her! I took a deep breath, preparing myself…

  ‘Why, Grandma!’ she exclaimed. ‘What big arms you have!’

  Eek! My fur stood on end. Was she on to me? I needed to think quickly…

  ‘All the better to hug you with,’ I said.

  It was a bit of a lame line, admittedly, but it was the best I could do at the time.

  ‘And what big ears you have!’ said Little Red.

  I frowned, suspiciously. If she could see my ears, she one hundred per cent knew I was a wolf, surely?

  But her face was unreadable.

  ‘All the better to hear you with,’ I warbled.

  ‘And what big eyes you have!’

  ‘All the better to see you with,’ I said uncertainly. I’d started down this track and there was no turning back now.

  ‘And what big teeth you’ve got!’

  Was that a smile curling on her lips? I couldn’t be sure, so I stayed in character.

  ‘All the better to…’

  I paused for dramatic effect. This was truly a moment to savour. I was finally going to get my own back on this smug little girl, enjoy a square meal, and win back the pack, all in one joyous gulp…

  ‘EAT YOU WITH!’ I roared.

  Mustering every last ounce of energy I had, I lunged forward.

  Like a ninja, Little Red… well, she stood up. And I rolled off the bed on to the floor.

  I yelped. I had landed right on it and it was REALLY sore now. I clutched my stomach. I could feel the shape of the shoe inside me, solid as a brick.

  As I lay there, yelping and howling, Grandma came rushing back in with that old woodcutter.

  ‘Oh, thank goodness you’re all right!’ said Grandma to Little Red. ‘We heard the cries from outside… I thought maybe…’

  ‘I’m fine,’ said Little Red cheerfully. ‘But our friend here doesn’t seem to be doing so well.’

  ‘Is that my bonnet?’ asked Grandma, puzzled.

  ‘I know this wolf!’ said the woodcutter. ‘He asked for directions here.’

  ‘And you GAVE them to him?’ said Little Red. ‘What were you thinking?’

  ‘Sorry,’ replied the woodcutter. ‘He seemed so friendly.’

  ‘Why is he rolling around like that?’

  I could hear their voices above me, but my eyes were closing now, the pain was so great.

  ‘He ate my shoe,’ said Grandma.

  ‘He what?’ said Little Red.

  ‘He seemed very disturbed.’

  ‘No kidding,’ replied Little Red. ‘I think he’s delirious. I mean, why else would he dress up as you and climb into your bed?’

  I heard Little Red sigh. A moment later, she crouched down beside me.

  ‘Poor wolfy,’ she said. ‘He must be so hungry. I tried to help him, but he just won’t eat vegetables.’

  I felt a hand on my head. It was soft and warm. Tears sprang to my eyes.

  ‘It’s okay,’ she whispered. ‘You’ll be okay…’

  And then I guess I passed out, because that’s the last thing I remember.

  * * *

  Wait, I think I hear footsteps outside… but I’m so tired. I’m just going to close my eyes again.

  Thursday 27 April

  Well, I tell you, these woods are full of surprises!

  I woke up so confused, still in Grandma’s house and feeling awful, though the shoe-shaped lump in my belly had somehow disappeared. The last thing in the world I was expecting to see when I peeked from under the duvet was Grandma strolling in with… the witch from the gingerbread house!

  I howled and screamed and pulled the duvet over me again. ‘Don’t let her eat me, Grandma, please – I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I’ll be good from now on, I promise…’

  ‘No one’s going to eat you, dear,’ said Grandma calmly.

  I peeked out again.

  ‘What am I still doing here?’ I asked, suspiciously.

  ‘Well, dear, you’ve been very unwell. The doctor here thought it best not to move you.’

  ‘Doctor?’

  I noticed the witch had a bag with her. She placed it on the table, then pulled something from it.

  ‘I’ll need some boiling water,’ she said to Grandma. Then she made some sort of tea, and placed the cup by the side of the bed. ‘How’s my patient today?’ she said, smiling her still-extremely-scary smile at me.

  ‘You’re a doctor?’ I frowned. ‘You mean… you’re not a witch?’

  ‘Well…’ she said, waving her hand around vaguely. ‘Let’s just say I’m a witch doctor and leave it at that, shall we?’

  I stared at her in disbelief. ‘Wait, did you remove the shoe from my stomach?’

  The witch doctor chuckled. ‘Just doing my job.’

  ‘So you weren’t going to bake me in the oven when I came to your house then?’

  ‘Of course not! I’d made a roast and you looked so hungry, I thought you’d want to eat it. But before I could take it out, you’d vanished. Now, drink your tea. These herbs will help with your indigestion.’

  Well, I didn’t know what to believe any more, but the tea smelled good, so I did what I was told.

  I had almost finished it when who should swan in but Little Red herself. Oh, the shame! I couldn’t even look at her.

  ‘Hey, wolfy,’ she said, walking over to the bed.

  I put the cup down and shot under the duvet again.

  ‘How’s he doing?’ I heard her whisper. ‘Can he eat yet?’

  ‘A little food would be good, yes,’ said the witch.

  ‘I am here you know,’ I grumbled from under the duvet. ‘You don’t have to whisper about me.’

  I felt Little Red sit down on the bed. I could smell something good. I poked my head out. She had a basket with her.

  ‘I thought you might be hungry,’ she said, ‘so I’ve brought you some pies. Before you get excited, there’s still no meat in them – sorry – but the pastry is incredible. Buttery and crumbly and so delicious. Honestly, wolfy, you should try one. I really think you might like them.’

  Well, I wanted to say no, but my mouth had other ideas. It was hanging open and my tongue was lolling out, slavering all over the bed… How long had it been since my last meal? I decided on balance to swallow my pride – AND a pie. Whole. Yup, I sank that baby in one.

  ‘Easy now,’ said the witch. ‘No wonder you’re having tummy trouble! Didn’t anyone teach you to chew?’