“This is going to be—” he began to proclaim just as a bug dove into his throat and sealed off his windpipe. He fell backward and began to cough.

  Lana moved to help, but he waved her off as he did his best to hock up the bug and spit it out over the side of the boat. It took several hocks and several spits before he got over the incident well enough to continue talking.

  Eve prompted him to continue. “You were saying something dramatic?”

  Caine spit once more for good measure. He was pretty sure there was still a leg unaccounted for in there. “This is going to be amazing,” he finished with a lot less enthusiasm than he thought the line deserved.

  “This isn’t anything to get excited about,” Mike said.

  “Not for you. You’re just the driver,” Thomas said. He found the final leg behind a molar and spit it out. “We’re going to be heroes. Right, Andy?”

  Andy turned away. “I just want to save what’s left of my town, son.”

  “Well, yeah, of course, I mean that’s why we’re doing this. But you can’t tell me you all aren’t a little excited.”

  “I’m not sure you understand what you signed on for,” Mike said.

  “The hell I don’t, Captain. I know this narrative better than any of you.”

  “The narrative?” Eve repeated. “You can’t be serious.”

  “No,” Lana said. “He’s serious.”

  “Sure, I’m serious.” He could name ten movies, easy, that had the same flow to them. “We’ve seen this enough times to know how it plays out, right?”

  “This isn’t a movie,” Mike said.

  “Of course it isn’t. Look, I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. Quite the contrary. If it was easy, it wouldn’t be a story worth telling. I’m sure we’re going to face diversity⁠—”

  “Adversity,” Lana corrected him.

  “—adversity along the way. Especially when we first get there. We’re definitely going to lose the first battle. And it’s almost certain that at least one of you will probably die.”

  Eve snorted. “One of us?”

  “Probably not you, you’re too pretty. And Andy has to come through this or what’s the point? There’d be no resolution otherwise. No, it will probably be our captain here.” Caine gestured toward Mike.

  The boatman cut the engine and the Boomer drifted to a stop.

  “Or it could be Lana.” Caine said, and pointed to his assistant.

  “What about you?” Lana asked.

  “Me?” Caine laughed at the thought of the hero dying.

  “You are literally the hero in your own story, aren’t you?” Eve asked.

  “Aren’t you?” Caine asked.

  “I’ve been doing this a long time,” Eve explained. “I’ve trained for this. And I’m still not certain that I’ll live through it.”

  “I’ve trained, too,” he insisted. Everyone thought everything he did was make believe. That was insulting. “You think it’s easy doing all those things I do in the movies?”

  Mike stepped out onto the rear deck with the rest of the passengers. “You can’t possibly think it’s the same as this.”

  “Jumping is jumping. Fighting is fighting.”

  “Your enemies are told to fall down,” Eve said.

  “It’s still a lot of hard work. I had to learn the techniques to make them look good on camera.”

  Eve and Mike both stepped toward him, but Andy stood up first and got in his face.

  “Hit me,” the older man said to him quietly.

  Caine studied the man’s face and saw no emotion there. “C’mon, Andy. I don’t want to⁠—”

  “Hit me,” he said again. It was somehow colder than the first time.

  “I’m not going to—” The next thing he knew, Thomas was upside down on his back. Andy stood above him.

  “Get up and hit me.”

  He wasn’t sure if they were actually laughing at him, but he was certain that he heard them laughing at him. He wasn’t lying to them. He wasn’t acting. He was trained. He was fit and he would show them. He did a pushup that launched him to his feet. He spun to face the old man and then he was in the water.

  He swam up and broke the surface of the muddy brown water. He’d swallowed a bit and coughed it out.

  They weren’t laughing at him anymore. But they were smirking. Somehow, that was worse.

  Caine was about six feet away from the boat and Andy’s outstretched hand. He sighed and made his way to accept help.

  Mike and Andy each took an arm and pulled him back on board.

  Caine found a seat on the bench and sat. Fidget appeared on the bench next to him and began licking the river from his face. He pushed the dog away and coughed once more.

  “Here’s the deal, Hollywood,” Eve said as she handed him a towel. “We appreciate your help. But if you go trying to be the hero of this story, we’re all going to die horrible deaths. Especially you. So, instead, we’re all going to work together to save this town and do our best to make sure no one else gets hurt.”

  Caine spit out a rinse of river water and nodded his compliance. “That’s a good plan,” he wheezed. “It’s a stealth mission. That’s how I would have played it. Guns blazing is a better last stand or martyr scene. But you can get a lot of tension out of a good stealth play.”

  Eve sighed and looked to Lana for help. The assistant nodded and sat down next to Caine. She spoke quietly. “I think we need to let them take the lead on this one, boss.”

  “Yeah. That’s probably a good plan. I mean, Andy…”

  The older gentlemen looked his way.

  “Where did that come from? That was amazing! Who would have thought? I mean the anger I get with your wife and all, but that kung fu came out of nowhere. I mean, I’m standing there in front of you and then I’m in the river. Where did you learn that?”

  “I’m just frustrated, I guess,” Andy said. “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

  “Are you kidding? It’s great! The unassuming badass is a fan favorite. Mild mannered. All old and stuff. But a real ball buster when it comes down to it. People love that! Of course, the character usually has some dark secret or some kind of history they don’t want to talk about. Do you have anything like that?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Oh, come on man I…” Caine started laughing. “Oh, I see what you did there. Nice one.” He raised his hand for a high five but it never came.

  Caine lowered his hand and leaned back in the seat with a giant grin.

  “What is it?” Lana asked. “What are you smiling about?”

  “He’s so surly,” Caine answered. “This movie is going to be great.”

  22

  The miles went on and so did Caine’s mouth. He planned most of the movie, two sequels and a spinoff featuring his own character. He then switched to brainstorming the marketing materials. He talked about the posters. He did the VO for the trailers. It was when he started planning out the PR events that Jerry finally told him to shut up or he’d hold his head under water until it stopped annoying him.

  “No, you’re right,” Caine said. “You’re not surly at all.”

  Jerry pulled back on the throttles and the engine’s noise dropped from a whine to a low rumble. “I’m going to need everyone to be quiet.”

  “What is it this time?” Caine asked. “Ninjas?”

  “River monsters,” Jerry said, and brought the binoculars up to his eyes.

  “You’re kidding,” Caine said, and looked at Andy with a smile. “That guy was kidding with the sea monster thing. Wasn’t he?”

  Andy didn’t smile back.

  Caine stood and moved away from the rail and more toward the middle of the boat. “What kind of monsters?”

  “Leviathan,” Jerry said. But it was a guess. He could see it caused the actor some discomfort, so he kept guessing. “Giant eels. I hear there’s an island-sized turtle. Gatormen.”

  “What the hell are Gatormen?” Caine moved into the cabin and within the safety of the sliding door.

  “No one is sure if they’re men that became gators or gators that became men. But the gist is they’re gators that walk like men.”

  “That’s ridiculous,” Caine said. But he didn’t sound convinced.

  “I can walk like a man,” Fidget said, and hopped up onto his hind legs. He bounced around several times. “It’s easy. I just pretend there’s food that I can’t reach. I can do it for hours.” Fidget then dropped to all fours. “But I don’t want to right now.”

  “But you’re not an alligator,” Caine said. “You’re just a dog.”

  “A dog that can talk like a man,” Eve said.

  “Well, okay. But how could that even happen to gators? And what are they even doing here?”

  “They’re here for the ice cream,” Jerry said.

  “Ice cream?”

  “Gators love ice cream. Didn’t you know that?”

  “I knew that,” Caine said. “Everyone loves ice cream.”

  “I like ice cream,” Fidget said.

  “Well,” Jerry continued as he scanned the river for trouble. “Maybe you didn’t know this. Paducah was once home to the ice cream of the future.”

  “Wow!” Fidget’s tail lost its mind and started beating Caine across the shin.

  “Stop it, dog.” Caine ushered the dog out of the way and continued his argument. “So what?”

  “So, I don’t know if you’ve ever had it, but it’s pretty freaking delicious.” Jerry lowered the binoculars. “Legend has it that the scent was driving them nuts. And they desperately wanted to get into Paducah to get to the ice cream. But, being gators, they couldn’t, so they learned how to walk like men. They grew their legs longer and their tails shorter so they could walk over land. And they grew their arms longer so they could push open the doors. And they developed the ability to speak once they finally got inside, so they could talk about how delicious the ice cream was. Unfortunately, they took too long to evolve, and all the ice cream had melted because even the ice cream of the future melts. This upset them, and they vowed to wait in the river nearby and eat any man that dared pass.”

  “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “You asked how it could happen,” Jerry said with a smile. “What? You’re the only one that gets to be a storyteller?”

  “Okay, well the joke’s on you, captain comedian, because your stupid story made the dog wet itself all over your floor.

  Fidget was trembling in a puddle of his own making. “They talk? Like me? That’s terrifying!”

  “Well, how do you think they got here, Hollywood? They mutated in the bombs or the chemicals or whatever. The point is shut up and we should be able to avoid any trouble.”

  “Just like with the pirates,” Caine said.

  “Like with the…” Jerry looked past the actor, took a heavy breath and sighed, “…pirates.” He turned back to the controls and jammed the throttles forward. The Boomer leapt forward at full power.

  The sudden surge sent Caine tumbling back into his seat and reaching for anything he could grab to keep himself steady. He finally found the edge of the table. “What happened to shut up?!”

  The bullets were enough clue for the rest of the passengers, but to help him along, Jerry pointed over Caine’s shoulder to the river behind them.

  Caine turned and saw what the rest had seen. It had taken its lumps over the last couple of days, but the pirate fleet still had them outnumbered and they were catching up.

  Marco’s ship was in the middle of it all, and the pirate captain was on the loudspeaker as always. “Oh, Captain Mike. It’s me again, the Great Pirate Marco. I was just sitting here on Your Mom thinking about a couple of things. First, I was thinking about those guns you tried to run up my river. But then I started thinking about all the trouble you’ve caused me of late. The point of this story is, I’m going to kill you horribly, terribly, brutally, creatively, but I still haven’t decided which of those two really great reasons I’m going to kill you for.”

  The pirates were sticking to small arms this time, but they were making up for the lack of heavy weapons with volume. Marco was counting on bullets or threats to capture the Boomer. The strategy seemed to imply that Marco was more concerned with capturing the guns than getting revenge. With the fleet having suffered so many losses, turning the Boomer into a pirate ship had to be in their plans as well.

  Not that pirates couldn’t be vengeful. The passengers on the Boomer had cost the pirates dearly in the last few days. Several boats, even more men. They had to be at least a touch pissed about that.

  Pirates were primarily lazy opportunists, but if the chance for revenge happened to coincide with profit, they weren’t going to pass it up.

  So rocket launchers were out, but the heavier machine guns were chattering away and joined with the rifle bullets to tear up the top of his boat.

  Jerry was at full throttle, but the cargo and passengers weren’t helping their speed against the current. He began weaving back and forth as the others took up their arms. His steering didn’t make getting to the weapons any easier.

  A frantic clicking ensued as the dogs’ claws tried to dig into the fiberglass deck. It did no good, and the two big dogs struggled to stay on their feet as they slid back and forth across the cabin. Fidget had no better traction, but he seemed to be enjoying the ride and said, “Wheeeee!” every time he slid. That was until he hit the gunwale. Then he said, “Ooof!”

  The other passengers were faring about the same, and they struggled to hold fast to anything.

  Caine tumbled across the cabin and fell over the dining table into the bench. He sat up and yelled, “Would you knock that off?”

  Jerry turned again, and everyone lowered themselves to keep their balance.

  “Wheeee!” said Fidget. Then, “Ooof.”

  “That’s not helping!” Andy shouted.

  He spun the wheel the other way and the Boomer cut sharp into the river. The co-pilot’s seat caught him as he fell to port.

  “Wheeee! Ooof.”

  “Stop!” Caine screamed from his place upside down at the bottom of the stairs.

  “Wheee! Ooof!” Fidget paused. “Okay, I think I’m getting a little sick now.”

  Eve appeared at his side. “Every time you do that, they gain on us. We won’t be able to outrun them like that.”

  “I’m not trying to outrun them,” Jerry explained. “I’m trying to stir up some trouble.”

  “You said that would be a bad idea,” Eve said as she grabbed the co-pilot’s chair for balance.

  “It’s a terrible idea,” Jerry agreed. “But it’s the only one I have.”

  “Can I help?”

  “Maybe toss a couple of grenades over the side?” He turned once more, and everyone slid to starboard.

  “Wheee! Ooof! Nope. It’s still fun.”

  The Boomer bucked with a loud thud from the hull.

  “Did we hit something?” Andy asked.

  “No,” Jerry replied. “Something hit us.” Jerry centered the wheel and leaned on the throttle, hoping for even just a little more speed.

  “How close are the pirates?” he asked Eve.

  A jet ski pulled alongside the Boomer before she could answer. She pointed to the pirate.

  “Good,” he said.

  Eve fired and struck the rider center mass. The pilot reached for the wound in his chest and turned the jet ski sideways. It began to roll and threw him into the air. But he never had a chance to hit the water.

  A tentacle the height of a tree shot up from the river and snagged the pirate out of the air. He had just enough time to scream before the gray-green appendage pulled him under the water.

  “What the hell was that?!” Caine shrieked, and pointed and stomped his foot against the floor.

  “Watch your ice cream!” Jerry replied.

  “Who’s got ice cream?” Fidget asked.

  The river exploded with tentacles from bank to bank. The slimy tendrils shot straight up into the air all around them, causing the water to rain down on the boat. Jerry spun the wheel to avoid ramming into one of the limbs that appeared directly off the Boomer’s bow.

  “Wheee! Ooof!”

  The pirate gunfire continued, but it was no longer directed at them. They had two dozen new targets surrounding their fleet, and the buccaneers began to panic.

  The creature, or creatures, attached to the appendages seemed unbothered by the random bullets and began seizing men from their boats. The tentacles coiled around several pirates and lifted them into the air. Some were pulled under while others were hurled into other waiting tentacles like some sick game of catch.

  “I thought you said it was gatormen,” Lana said as she inched toward the lower deck.

  “I said it could be gatormen!” Jerry shouted over the sound of the frothing river.

  “I think I’d rather it be gatormen,” Eve said.

  “Trust me,” Jerry said. “This is better.”

  Caine had lost the use of his words and just pointed and said, “Uh!”

  He didn’t need to turn to see what the man’s “uh” was about. The shadow grew over him as the tentacle raised into the sky behind the Boomer.

  “What do we—” Caine began to ask.

  “Shoot it!”

  The tentacle came crashing toward them like a falling pine.

  The passengers opened fire.

  Conventional wisdom dictated that if enough bullets were pumped into a giant tentacle, it would go limp and fall into the water as if dead. But that’s because more conventional wisdom is based on cartoon physics than anyone would truly like to admit. It’s not really how giant tentacles work. As bullets pierced the slimy skin, the appendage shot back as if it had touched a hot stove. However, it reacted as if whatever was on the stove was really important and kept trying to find an angle that wouldn’t get it burned.

  It was much the same all over the river. Now that the pirates had begun to focus their fire, tentative tentacles reached for boats only to draw back.