She was shaking her curls loose when the door opened, and Colin walked through, holding a few pieces of paper. He looked up and froze, their eyes locking. She could see the pain flash in his eyes and it took everything Lily had to stay still. She saw him swallow, his tongue slipping out to lick his lips. Her eyes went wide, and she suppressed a moan. Bringing her fingers up to her mouth she applied the slightest pressure, recalling the day his lips pressed against hers. Pretending he was kissing her in this moment.

  Colin coughed and quickly looked away, placing the papers on her desk. “You’re here,” he said, as he turned towards her. “Isn’t it early?”

  “No, actually it’s right on time. It’s almost nine,” she replied, as she pulled her sleeves down and walked over to face him.

  Colin rubbed his jaw; it was overgrown with whiskers. Grey hair peppered his chin. “I didn’t even notice it was so late,” he said, looking around at everything but her. He seemed to be different today; at least, he was talking to her.

  “You didn’t leave the office last night?”

  “I meant to, but then I got into working this new case. Before I knew it, I feel asleep on the couch.”

  “It isn’t good for you to sleep in your office. You should sleep in your own bed. The case work will still be waiting for you when you get back,” she said, slowly chastising him. He needed to get more rest and the lumpy seat in his office was not going to give him that.

  “I know, but if I don’t get this done, who knows what will happen tomorrow. There are so many people depending on this. I can’t let them down.”

  She looked at the papers he had left on the desk. “Do those need to go to the clerk?” she asked, seeing the seal on the top.

  “Yes,” he said, pushing his hair back. “I was going to take them today, but I might just put them in later this week. I don’t think I should leave; I have a few drafts I have to write and documents still to review.”

  “You don’t have a court date for another few weeks. I will take these to the courthouse at lunch,” she said, grasping the papers and pushing him towards the door. Colin looked down at her in confusion. “And you are going to go home, make yourself a nice lunch, and then sleep. I don’t want to see you back until tomorrow morning.”

  “But I,” he started to say, as she continued to push him towards the door.

  “You looked exhausted Colin. You are doing none of your clients any favors by being here when you are so tired. They expect you to be at your highest level when they walk through those doors. How can you give them your all, when you look like you haven’t slept in months? And you need a shave. Do that too before you come back.” She pushed him to the coat rack, grabbing his overcoat and holding it out for him to slip on.

  “But what happens if someone comes by looking for me?” he said, as he put on the jacket. When he turned, she already had his portfolio in her hands.

  “I’ve been your secretary for all these years, do you really think I don’t know how to handle a client? I will tell them that you will be in tomorrow.” She handed him the leather-bound case and opened the door. “Now go!” she said, pointing the door.

  Colin gave her a look as if he was going to argue, but then thought better of it. He sighed and reached out to grab one of the curls laying over her shoulder. He rubbed it between his fingers for a moment before releasing it and looking at her again. “You’re right, Lily. Honestly, what would I ever do without you?”

  “You’d probably be living out of your office,” she said with a chuckle. “Now go.”

  He turned and looked like he was going to say more but decided against it. With a tip of his hat, he turned and was on his way. As she closed the door, she thought about his change in demeanor. She couldn’t shake the foreboding feeling she felt in her soul. Something just didn’t seem right.

  Colin only walked a few steps until he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. Every single fiber of his being called out for rest. He was aching in his bones, in his head and most of all his heart.

  He wrestled with this decision for months, agonized over what he was going to do. Many sleepless nights were spent going back and forth between what he wanted to do and what he should do.

  What he wanted to do was to go back into that office and kiss that woman senseless. The woman who had become the beacon in the shadowy world around him. But the ring that she still wore on her finger was the biggest indication to him that she wasn’t his anymore.

  Was she ever his to begin with?

  He had done everything in his power to make sure that he held her at arm’s length and now it seemed to be working.

  After Pat had died, he just felt a sadness that he couldn’t make disappear. It felt like a black hole was trying to swallow him. He felt very alone in the world. Pat and Samantha were all the family he had, and Lily was a close second.

  He was just walking through motions of what was going on around him, not really paying attention to the details. He pounded his fist against the wall until he felt the brick tearing the skin.

  Frustration consumed him. Why couldn’t he just be happy for her? But with all his loss, all he could think was how he was losing her as well. His heart ached, and he placed a hand over his chest as if to soothe the pain away. A sob tore from his throat and he cried for a moment at the unfairness of it all.

  It was better to continue just pushing her away. Make her hate him with every fiber of her being when he finally told her. Yet, he missed her so much, today he caved in and touched her. They shared a moment that felt like where they were before all of this. The time when she first came to the office. The time when Pat was still alive. The time when they could talk about almost anything, and spent hours doing so. The time before … Nicholai.

  He wiped his tears and away and straightened up from the wall. Feeling in his pocket for the smooth piece of paper, he pulled it out and looked at the curvy writing. Samantha had settled in well into her new life; she had written him, talking about all the new things she was learning. She recalled him visiting right after her father passed away to put the estate in order.

  He had stayed for a week afterward, after they had found the man who killed her father. She seemed to be flourishing in her new role. He never thought she would adapt as well as she did and was pleased in his and Pat’s choice to send her away to find love.

  Looking at the bottom of the letter, he read the last lines again.

  There is this lovely little shop in the town square.

  It’s been vacant for a few weeks now. It looks like it would be a lovely place to set up a new law firm.

  Have you thought about what we had talked about before?

  It seems to me you need a fresh start.

  I miss you terribly.

  At least think about it.

  All my love,

  Samantha

  He had indeed thought about it. It made the most logical choice. He would be closer to Samantha and it was what Pat would have wanted. He was becoming bored with the same cases. They were becoming as stale as the air around him. Corruption seemed to be everywhere. A fresh start was exactly what he needed.

  With a clearer head, he walked down the street towards his town apartment. He was ready to reply to Samantha, letting her know he had made his decision.

  It would take a few months for him to tie some loose ends and pack up. He was already getting excited thinking of his future, but he couldn’t help but think in the back of his mind that he was giving up more than he knew he wanted to lose.

  It was dark by the time Lily had decided that she was ready to go home. After running to file the papers with the clerk, she was able to clean Colin’s office. It had turned into a mess, as he had been basically living there for the past weeks. Books were stacked everywhere, some opened and stacked on top of other stacks. Loose paper scribbled with lead covered sections of the floor; some crumpled and tossed, others just left where they fell.

  She was able to tidy up, so it at least looked like an office again.

  She went back into the room, giving it another once over. She heard the bell at the door ring, signaling someone had come into the office. “I’m sorry, we are closed,” she said, walking hurriedly into the front room.

  When she got into the room, she saw that it was her sister. “Iva, what are you doing here?”

  Iva took off her hat and pushed back her blonde hair that came undone in the travel over here. “I wanted to catch you before you got to the dormitory. I think we need to have a nice little chat,” she said, as she went to sit on the chair near the desk.

  Lily went to her desk, leaning over it. “Is there something wrong?” she asked cautiously. Judging from her sister’s severe face, she had hoped nothing was wrong with the children.

  “Nicholai was over at our house last night. He had some business with Martin. When I asked about your upcoming nuptials, he seemed to be confused as to what I was talking about?”

  Lily inwardly groaned. Tired of her sister’s incessant questioning as to when they were getting married, she told her they would be marrying sometime in the spring. She had anticipated her sister wouldn’t find out any differently, at least until spring had arrived. “I haven’t discussed it with Nicholai yet.”

  “It appears you haven’t talked to Nicholai about a lot of things,” she said, smoothing out her skirt. There was an edge in her voice that made Lily uneasy. “He seems to think you aren’t interested in getting married.”

  “Of course, we are,” Lily said, crossing her arms in defiance.

  “Then when would it be?” Iva asked. “Lily, you can’t keep dragging your feet.”

  “I’m not,” she started to protest.

  “You should already be married by now, with your first child on the way,” Iva interjected. “I don’t understand why you are taking your time? Men like Nicholai don’t wait around forever.”

  “I know, I’m just. I don’t think I’m ready,” Lily said, looking away.

  “If things continue this way, you’ll never be married.” Iva grabbed her sister’s hand, pulling her attention to her. “Do you love Nicholai?”

  Lily hesitated.

  She had always been able to easily lie to Iva, especially in instances where her own best interests were concerned. It was a skill she had developed when her sister would try to steer her in a certain direction she wasn’t comfortable with going. But at this very moment, she couldn’t form the words to say it. It was too personal for her to admit. “I care for him deeply,” she said, avoiding Iva’s knowing eyes.

  “That is more than most can hope for,” Iva sighed. “You should consider yourself lucky.”

  “Shouldn’t I be in love when I get married?” she asked her sister honestly. “We just need more time.”

  “Darling, that’s what the marriage is for,” she said. “You’ll learn to love your husband.”

  “But I just want to be sure I’m not making a mistake.”

  Iva paused before asking, “Lily, could there be another reason you don’t want to marry Nicholai?” She looked beyond Lily towards Colin’s office. “A tall, dark, and brooding something?”

  Lily blushed. “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

  “Lily, you need to open your eyes. Whatever your feelings are for him, they aren’t going to work out. That man,” she said, pointing to his office, “he’s never going to give up this business. You are never going to be the most important person to him.” Iva stood up to face Lily. “He only cares about working. He doesn’t care about you.”

  Even though she was stating everything she already knew, she couldn’t help but feel angry. “You haven’t even given him a chance. You don’t know him like I do. I know he cares for me,” she said, trying to keep her tears at bay.

  “If he did care about you in a deeper way, why are you still his secretary?” Iva asked. Lily didn’t know what to say in response. “Dear sister,” she said as she grabbed Lily’s face, “I know it hurts, but you need to make a choice. And Nicholai is the best choice.”

  Lily could feel her heart breaking in two. “I just can’t.”

  Iva moved away from Lily, giving her a stern look. “I wonder what Nicholai would think of you working here after you’re married.”

  Lily looked up at her sister. “Nicholai knows I would like to keep my job after we get married. He knows how important it is to me.”

  “But I wonder how he would feel if he knew how you felt about your employer. I don’t think he would be too ambivalent to let you stay here.”

  Lily’s eyes widened at her sister’s threat. “You wouldn’t, Iva.”

  “I would do anything to make sure you made the right choice.” She backed away, towards the door. She placed a hat on her head and grabbed the knob. “I suggest you think about making a wedding date. It would be a tragedy if Nicholai were to find out about your feelings,” she said, before she exited the room.

  Lily sat against the desk, trying to piece together what her sister said. The scandal alone would ruin Colin’s practice. He had worked so hard to get it to where it was, and Lily didn’t want anything to happen to it. No matter what her feelings were, she needed to make a choice. She just wasn’t sure she was making the right one.

  Chapter 9

  “Lily, you look so beautiful!” Iva said, as she walked around Lily, who was standing in front of a mirror in the best dress shop in the city. She dragged her hand down the lace veil on top of Lily’s head. “Nicholai will be so stunned when he sees you!” she squealed.

  Lily stared at her reflection. Try as she might, the person that was staring back at her didn’t look like her at all. She looked like someone playing dress up and pretending to be happy about her upcoming nuptials.

  But now, Lily wasn’t so sure anymore. She appeased Iva by giving into one wedding detail – the dress. She hoped if she had the dress, Iva would back off. Iva hope if she had the dress Lily would be more eager to set a date.

  There was a suspicious disaster at one of the furniture factories, and Nicholai’s workers were so grateful for the assistance from the committee, that Mr. Montgomery insisted on paying for part of the wedding. Lily felt that this was more of a way to keep Nicholai in the political machine that was churning throughout the city. He must be taking his duties as election district captain very seriously, she thought, as he seemed to be spending more time with the politicians and less time with her in the evenings. Nicholai apologized profusely for the time he was away, but all Lily could feel was an intense sense of relief. This was not how she was supposed to feel about her future husband.

  She knew she cared for Nicholai. She could even say she loved him. But the love she had was nothing like the all-consuming love she felt for someone else. That someone else who didn’t need her. He had become more distant, and in the office less frequently. She noticed he started going through his papers and was sorting and boxing them. She shouldn’t be thinking of him at all, she chided herself. He was probably sparing her no thoughts at all.

  “Lily, you haven’t said anything. What do you think?” Iva asked, her face falling slightly.

  Lily looked at herself again, from the long veil to the white dress with the sheer arms. She looked sophisticated and noble, exactly the way anymore who was marrying a high class businessman would want to look on their wedding day. But she didn’t look like herself at all. “I think it looks wonderful,” she lied, looking from head to toe once more.

  “I think this is the one,” she said, as she turned to the woman clerk. “We’ll take this one. Could you wrap it up and deliver it to our house? Mr. Montgomery is paying the bill. Let me get you the address.”

  As she heard Iva list the address to their apartment, Lily couldn’t help but stare at herself in the mirror. She tried to smile; she was about to get married. What a joyous occasion! But she couldn’t bring herself to smile freely. It was like a part of her was dying inside and she didn’t know how to calm it.

  “Thank you, sir,” Colin said, as he took the ticket and tucked it into his shirt pocket. He walked out from the train station in town, towards the park. It was early December and the first snowfall was glittering on the cobbled stones.

  Colin had felt freer than he had been for weeks; the papers had been finalized, the papers to sell his practice in the city, and he was going to make his way to Black Hills in a few short days.

  Samantha had already sent him a telegram, stating how happy she was for him to be moving. She gushed about how he was going to love it there. He smiled, thinking about Samantha fretting through her house about how she needed to be ready for Colin’s arrival.

  But for as happy as he was for his fresh start, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of loss. In the last telegram, Samantha had inquired about Lily and when she would be joining them. Samantha had been asking questions about Lily in almost every correspondence he had received, and he had given her enough details without saying that Lily would not be making the journey with him. There would be plenty of time to explain once he got there and there was nothing Samantha could do from all the way in Illinois.

  Colin though had a bigger issue that he had to deal with.

  He hadn’t told Lily yet about his impending departure. Over the last month, they seemed to be rebuilding their relationship. Though, Lily seemed to be growing distant from him.

  She just seemed so sad all the time. Colin had wanted to talk to her about it, but there was never a right time. He was just busy with the move. And now, only a few days away from his departure, he knew he had to tell her he was leaving.