“Be careful,” he warns, and I don’t answer him with a false promise I can’t keep. There is nothing safe about what I’m doing today, and we both know it. I can’t be careful; I must be reckless in order to survive. We only break away when the others come in, followed lastly by Onyx until all my mates are here. Well, except for Rhodes and Severi, and it’s for the best they aren’t here.

  Hollis waves a hand at the door. “We’ll walk down together.” I think of Annie as I go in the lift with my mates, as they are all tense. All of them look one second away from carrying me in the opposite direction to the portals. Annie should be in the amphitheatre by now, as she went ahead because she couldn’t watch me walk in there again. I don’t blame her.

  “I’m scared to go back to Starlight. That amphitheatre, I know it’s going to be…” I clear my throat. “The city will be quiet of life, and it’s because of me.” There’s not much they can say to make it all better when we know it’s going to be strange walking into Starlight City.

  “Whatever is there, we face together,” Onyx offers. “As one.”

  “One,” I whisper back, taking his hand in mine. So cold, even now, and he looks paler than he ever has been. I still can’t sense his Nexus, not at all.

  The entryway is full of rangers, so many of them lining the walls. They don’t look at us as we pass through and follow down the steps towards the portal. I can see the amphitheatre on the other side, like looking at it through smoke. I step through into the shimmering coldness of the air, and just as I feared, the city is silent. I’m standing on the steps above, and I walk over the edge of the barrier, looking at that arena where all those people died because of the Mortal God last time.

  I turn to my mates. “If I die down there, you know I’ll come back. But the reason I come back is because I’m the Morrigan reborn. I can die, because she cannot. I can age, but death will always escape me. I didn’t tell you what my Nexus told me because, well, there hasn’t been the right moment to really discuss it. She told me so much more. I think you already know, though. If I fall down there, in the hands of those Gods, there’s a way you could save me, and you’ve known for a long time. I want us all to stop keeping secrets, and I’m starting it off.” They are all silent at what I’ve blurted out. There are so many secrets that dance in the air between us. I don’t think any of us have ever really, truly been honest with each other. Gods, we’ve all been lying since that mating ceremony. Hollis and Rhodes lied a lot longer before it.

  “We know and we will be the monsters for you” is all Onyx is saying, and it’s enough to confirm my suspicion is right. My Nexus is watching, and she sends warm shivers down my body. I look at them all, and not one of them is confused—just not as shocked as I expected. “And you will not fall to them.”

  “Exactly the fighting spirit I needed. Pray for me.” I throw myself over the banister before I think too much about it and before they say anything, because I know they have questions. I chose to tell them now because it’s a shock and a good distraction from the Rite. Not sure what I’ll distract them with next time. Maybe my boobs.

  People gasp at my dramatic entrance as I slam into the sand, and that certainly got their attention too. The sound of my thud echoes as I listen to the city outside and how silent it is. Thick grey clouds linger in the air, and the city feels hollow. Like it’s all gone, even if I know that’s not true. There is city left.

  I choose to focus on the seats where Onyx’s father used to sit with his betas. I assume all the other betas are dead. None of them have managed to find their way to Morriganis City, from what my mates have found out. My aunt is sitting there now, with two female betas at her side. I’m all for women’s power, and it’s shining through like gold with my aunt. I think I admire her for what she has created. Why did my mother run from her?

  I walk to stand right in the centre, with my breaths coming out like fog in front of my face. I stop only when the mark on my arm burns. I look in the sky, just as two shadows drop down, right out of the thick clouds. One is red; one is the darkest black. They swirl around each other, dancing almost in the sky as more gasps echo across the crowd. My heart races like a drum as I watch, feeling the air growing bitterly cold.

  It’s only seconds before they slam into the sand on either side of me, leaving behind two gigantic mirrors. The mirrors stretch wide, reflecting each other, reflecting me and nothing else. One is framed in red; the other is framed in black. Red fog quickly covers the floor around the amphitheatre, and the air goes pitch black, making it impossible to see my mates or anything else but the mirrors. I’m alone.

  My eyes widen when I look in the red mirror, and Severi is standing there. He steps towards me when I step closer to him. Feeling eyes on me, I turn back, and in the other mirror, it’s Rhodes. I feel torn between the two, and I’m not sure who to run to. They can’t really be here…I think.

  “What do you want?” I shout to the twin Gods. “You have me here now and some creepy mirrors…and my mates. What do you want, as I’m growing bored?”

  “Crimson is the colour of red,” echoes in my mind, in my left ear. “Blood that you poured so much of. Blood that lies between you and the prince. It’s decades old.”

  Darkness whispers in my other ear, male and old. I turn as if I might find him there, but I’m still alone. “Look at the river that he’s in, that of shadows, that of where light does not conquer. I will show you every failure, every selfish moment…”

  Crimson comes back, whispering once more into my ear. “I will show you every passion, every desire. We twist as one as we get into your mind, and you will break before us.”

  “Together, we break your mind,” whispered over and over. “For I am Crimson, and we see the depths of your soul and find you unworthy to walk free from this rite.”

  “You’re wrong.” Rhodes slams against the glass on the other side. “Listen to me, Gwen, they are wrong. You are so worthy of everything you desire, and anyone who doesn’t see that is a fool. It doesn’t matter what your Nexus is, which Goddess she is, but it matters who you are. You are pure and kind; you fight for the weak and open your heart to even the most broken. You’ve been beaten over and over again, even by your parents, even by those who should have told you the truth first, yet you still stand up and fight. There is no one else worthy on this broken planet. Don’t you dare break for them!”

  I’m thrown straight across into glass, slamming into it where Severi is on the other side. He screams for me, but I can barely hear him now, all sound fading so fast. My hands and legs feel frozen as blood starts pouring down my arms, pouring out my eyes and my mouth. I scream. I see them, the faces of every life I’ve taken in my mind. They flick across my mind one by one. So fast, so quick, so many. I scream, covering my eyes and wanting it to stop. I keep screaming and screaming.

  I barely hear the thudding, but I do. Thudding not just against everything else, but against my soul. Severi. I barely manage to open my eyes and face him, seeing him on his knees right in front of me. “Get up! Break the glass and accept who you are. Once you accept yourself, you cannot be broken. You are complete,” he roars. “GWENIEVE, GET UP!”

  “Break it and acknowledge that you did this and that it cannot be undone,” Rhodes’s shout echoes to me. “It’s over. They’re feeding off your indecision, off your guilt and fear. You are more powerful than they can ever imagine, and you have something they never understood: mates. Love. Family. I know this because I’m connected to Crimson just as Hollis is connected to Darkness. I see them and feel their wants…like your Nexus.”

  “It’s true. Their Nexus are like mine, a high being locked into a soul,” I whisper, still seeing their faces before my eyes, unable to make it stop. I cry as I start to feel their pain, their screams, their hopelessness. It’s enough to send me insane. I know that maybe that’s what they wanted, to truly send me over the edge. They stop me from wanting to feel, to be with my mates, to live. Suddenly, the flickering of faces comes almost to a halt, until there’s one face, then two faces that I cannot look away from. My parents.

  “Break the glass,” my mother whispers. “And be free from this guilt once and for all. Be angry for you and the Morrigan. You paid a price since you were a child. Now it’s time for the world to pay you back.”

  I feel them take my hands, and I feel them slam them forward. Giving me strength when I can’t find it myself. Crimson and Darkness scream in my ears for me to stop. I don’t. The glass fractures once, just one long crack in the middle between my parents. I do it one more time with their help, it cracks twice. I know it’s the last time I’ll ever see them as I lift my hand one more time and, with my parents’ smiles, I shatter the glass.

  “Forgive us.” These are the last words I hear from my mother.

  I do.

  The shards of glass rain around me in a storm of red, cutting into me. Severi vanishes. I spin around to see Rhodes’s mirror just as it shatters too, into a thousand pieces, and they fly into the air. I shout out, covering my face as the shards cut into me over and over. I gulp through the pain, tears stinging my eyes, and when it stops, I fall onto my side and look up at the escaping Darkness and Crimson, just shadows of black and red in the cloudy sky. I know they are watching as I smile and let death take me once again.

  Chapter

  Twelve

  ONYX

  Ilean against the door frame, watching Gwen softly stir in her bed. Her long dark hair is spread out across the white pillows, and even in the depths of wherever she is right now, she is so beautiful. The white sheets make her look so much paler than usual, and even though she comes back from death every single time... I believe it takes something from her soul. Death has a claim on my mate, and I won’t stop until she never has to risk meeting death again. She won’t die forever. I can tell myself it over and over, but until she opens her eyes and replies with a sarcastic quip, it’s hard not to freak out. I don’t want her to see how much we all fear that she won’t come back to us. That death will steal her away somewhere we cannot touch.

  “She is still not waking up. Why?” Finnegan growls, stomping around the room like the bear he is.

  I understand why we are like this; that feeling of helplessness when it comes to Gwen is suffocating. It’s always Gwenieve giving up something, fighting too much and taking it too far. I know there isn’t a world I could stop her because she is brave, reckless and fucking amazing. It doesn’t mean her actions don’t echo down through what is left of my soul and crush it. “I don’t know, but leaving dent marks in the flooring might not help.”

  “Did your Nexus tell you that?” Finnegan watches me carefully for my answer. Fuck, I don’t blame him. I don’t trust myself. He doesn’t trust me, and none of the others do. There is always a reason why they have to stay in the room when I’m in it—their eyes observing me like I’m going to flip on them. Gwenieve doesn’t notice it, and I’m glad she hasn’t. I’d have to explain to her that her other mates are right not to trust me...my Nexus is gone. I can’t feel him, and he hasn’t spoken to me since Starlight City fell. I’m not sure what happened, but I don’t think that I’m not beyond broken. I will spend what is left of my shattered soul making sure Gwenieve has a good life...then I don’t know. I’ve only accepted that I don’t have a future, or anything to hope for past the moments I’m given every day. Though Finnegan has never directly asked me. None of them have, and I don’t have an answer, just like I didn’t for Gwen.

  “I can sense he’s somewhere, and we are connected... but it’s a thin line between what I’m imagining and what is real.” I answer him as truthfully as I can.

  “Do you think sleeping with her, telling her it’s all going to be okay, and pretending is really what is best for her long term? She is in love with you, and someone needs to say it—you’re going to hurt her if you continue like this. Onyx... you need help. We should go to the priests who escaped Starlight and ask them to help you. I’ve contacted them already, and they—" Finnegan pats his hand on my shoulder, and I shake my head.

  “No.” Finnegan tenses at my bark. “Not because I want to hurt her, Finn, I want to give her every part of me I can before it’s too late. I’m taking every moment I can with her, and it’s selfish, but we both know what we are doing. Something is coming for me and her, Finn. Going to the priests will mean I’m not at her side when she needs me. I’ll fight with her until she is safe⁠—"

  “When is she ever safe? She has never been, not in this lifetime, not in the past. Not ever!” Finnegan snaps at me, his eyes flickering into darkness. “But losing any of us? We know she won’t recover. So, fix your Nexus first, and I will make sure she is here when you are back.”

  “I can’t.” I push his hand off me. “Can your Nexus sense her back yet?”

  Finnegan searches my face, and he doesn’t hide his disappointment. Fine, he can be disappointed. He doesn’t get it. If I demanded he leave her side to sit with the priests for months, he wouldn’t go. Not now. Not when the Vian king is hunting her. Finnegan walks to Gwen’s bed, his eyes going soft. “She’s fine and sleeping. I can sense she is back, but she needs rest. I imagine she will wake soon.”

  “I’m going for a walk.” I look at her one more time before turning around.

  “Don’t go far.” He warns me. I don’t know whether he’s warning me that for Gwen or whether it’s for himself. I know they’re all concerned about me. I feel them all watching me more and more often, and it’s clear Finnegan doesn’t want me here when I’m broken. Fuck, what am I doing?

  I head out of the corridor just to pass Annie, who nearly stumbles and drops a tray, but I reach out and grab it before it hits the floor, using my shield magic to make sure all the plates, food and drinks do not fall off. I hold it up for her. “There you go.”

  “Thanks, Onyx.” She blows a strand of her hair off her face. She goes to walk around me, but she stops on the step above, looking back. “I wanted to say I am sorry about your father. I knew him my entire life; he was good friends with my parents. I know he wasn’t a good man, Onyx, but it is okay to feel sad that he is gone. I am sorry for your mother too. I met her only once or twice; she never seemed to like coming to my home.” Yeah, I know why now. Annie is living proof of her mate’s affair. It must have hurt her to see Annie and my father anywhere near each other. “Well, I just wanted to say I’m a member of the no parents’ club and what it feels like to lose them. I know Gwen is too. We are here for you. I just wanted you to know you have a friend, Onyx.”

  “It means a lot, Annie.” I nod to her. Shit, should I tell her the truth? I know I could, but the question is, should I? As I look at her now, I don’t see any of my father in her face or eyes. She must look like her mother, whom I barely remember. I want Gwen with me when I tell Annie the truth, because she will need her best friend. I wonder if Annie ever had any suspicions, or if her Nexus has said anything to her. Nexus always know and the fact she hasn’t said anything, makes me concerned the truth might really upset Annie. The trust does not escape my lips, even if I want it to, because she’s all the family I have left in the world now outside of Gwen and the men she is bonded to that I call my brothers. It should be a good thing I have a half-sister, but right now, I’m broken. Barely holding it together for my mate. It’s hardly like I can protect Annie and be any sort of useful half-brother that she might need.

  “Are you okay?” She asks me, and I snap out of my thoughts. “I was just going to take some drinks and biscuits through in case Gwen wakes up soon, and she’s hungry. Did the healer say anything else when they left?”

  “Her aunt sent the best healer in the city, and she just said that she’s alive, but somewhere else. That she’ll wake if she has before and all her injuries are healed completely.” I rub my jaw. “I’m sure she will appreciate food and drinks when she wakes. Especially the chocolate cake I see.”

  Annie laughs. “There has been more than once we have eaten cake for breakfast, while still in pyjamas and sitting in one of our beds.” Her face lights up with the memory. Then she stares at me. I swear I hear her Nexus in the air, searching for mine. If my mate can’t find my Nexus, my sister won’t be able to. “Are you okay?” She clears her throat. “I don’t know if you want to talk about Starlight City and what it must have been like in the city when... they all died.” She gulps. “We both grew up in Starlight and loved it. I can listen for as long as you need if you want to talk about our home.”

  Home.

  Gwenieve is my home, and Starlight City was always simply a city to me.

  “Thank you for the offer.” My voice cracks as I feel what it was like in the city as death reigned. The feeling of death, seeing my mother die, the blackout and then waking up to my father dead. All of it drowns me. I walk off before I tell her anything else stupid, like she’s my half-sister and I’m a broken piece of shit. Her parents lied to her for her whole life, and fuck knows what happened all those years ago between the people we called parents. They are all dead now, so I guess we won’t be getting those answers anytime soon. I walk through the apartment and out onto the balcony for some fresh air. The left-side balcony overlooks the city, all the way to the beaches to the south. I close my eyes as I sit down on one of the armchairs and stare at the sea. I remember my mother taking me to a private beach in France on the few trips we made out of Starlight City when I was a kid. We ran on the white sand for hours and swam in the cold sea. We were never really alone; rangers watched the entire beach, but it felt like just us two. I was a kid that day, not the son of my father, who wanted me to be his double. I was just a kid. I never laughed as much as I did that day with my mother, and I never saw her smile like that. I want to take Gwen to that French beach one day, show her all the places I’ve seen and let her show me all the world she travelled when she ran from us. For that, we need a free world, and I don’t see the Vian king letting Gwen go anytime soon.