We hung up and I swore under my breath, Jesse waiting until I looked up at him.

  ‘Long story,’ I clarified. ‘I’ll tell you in the truck.’

  Back outside and climbing in, my head began to spin in the sudden quiet.

  Launching into an explanation, I included the last time Cal had landed in hospital after a huge bender, taking so many pills that the doctors hadn’t known if he’d wake up with any kind of brain function.

  Jesse’s face darkened, one hand gripping the steering wheel as the implication dawned.

  ‘So . . . you’ve got to go home, for your business? For . . . him?’ he questioned, bowing his head for a moment.

  ‘I think so . . . unless there’s a way I can convince Blake to come back and run things, but it sounds like Cal’s fucked that up too.’

  He swore, his whole upper body tensing.

  ‘Will it be temporary? You can come back here, right?’ he checked, turning to me. There was no disguising the pain in his eyes.

  A sense of hopelessness washed over me at the awful inevitability of what was now playing out.

  ‘Maybe,’ I said, barely able to tolerate the desperation that widened his eyes. ‘I’m not sure how, without losing the studio. It’s everything I’ve worked towards . . . but I . . .’

  ‘Hestia,’ he murmured, leaning over to me, his hand brushing my neck, along my jaw. ‘I can’t lose you. Not so soon, please.’

  I nodded, biting my lip, unable to see a way out.

  ‘I was always going to have to go back,’ I replied, lifting my hand to cover his.

  ‘I know, but . . .’ His brow furrowed as he struggled with the words I knew were there, waiting to be said. ‘Things have changed,’ he added, looking into my eyes, a sense of urgency building. ‘I hoped – maybe with some more time . . .’

  I nodded, a numbness building in my chest, trying to block out the creeping dread.

  ‘Let’s go back to the ranch,’ I suggested, my voice flat. ‘I’ll make some calls, okay?’

  He stared at me for a moment longer before setting off, a new kind of silence gathering between us as we headed back.

  A couple of hours later, with calls made and no solution in sight – Blake point-blank refusing to help, thanks to Cal’s behaviour – I wandered back out of the house. Jesse, unable to bear the waiting, had headed down to the cabin to help Cole.

  As I walked down the drive, I knew I’d decided. What I had to do, what needed to be done. I stopped, knowing that if I didn’t arrange it now, I might back out later. A quick search on my phone confirmed flights out to Denver tomorrow evening, a whole host of connecting flights back to London between that evening and the day after.

  My stomach lurched at the thought of leaving – of Jesse.

  ‘Oh hey, cowpoke,’ Bailey called, tilting her hat against the bright sunlight as she led Dunkin out. ‘You noticed how that wild horse of yours has turned into everyone’s favourite?’

  I forced a smile, focusing on Luci – the original reason I’d stayed for longer in the first place – and remembering just how far she’d come in that time.

  ‘Yeah, she’s a charmer,’ I said, shaking my head as I approached the corral. ‘Starting to feel guilty about the name now.’

  Bailey snorted.

  ‘You know, I’m not sure she’s even been broken yet. She’s pretty young, and those assholes that had her before you didn’t do fucking squat, other than hurt her.’

  ‘Does that mean she can’t be ridden yet?’ I asked, more aware than ever of how little I really knew about horses, despite all the other stuff I’d done since arriving.

  Bailey nodded, running her hand down Dunkin’s previously injured leg, clearly checking for something.

  ‘Yeah, makes it hard to justify keeping them on here, you know? Everyone’s got to earn their place. Breaking horses is hard work.’

  I bit my lip, almost afraid to walk back into the barn, knowing how Luci would greet me; that now, with what I had to do, the trust she’d put in me was worthless.

  ‘Hey, do you remember the friend you mentioned before – the one at the horse shelter?’

  Bailey’s attention snapped back to me, frowning as she stood up.

  ‘Rosie? Yeah,’ she nodded. ‘She’s Dee’s cousin, actually.’

  I nodded. Dee was yet another person I would have to say goodbye to.

  ‘I was wondering . . . maybe we could give her a call? I think I’m going to have to head home sooner than I thought. I don’t want Luci to be a burden to Lottie and Lil, especially if she can’t be ridden.’

  ‘You are? Oh, shit,’ she replied, walking Dunkin over to where I leant against the fence. ‘I mean . . . yeah, I can give her a call. That sucks, though. Does Jesse—’

  I nodded quickly, looking down at my well-worn boots, scuffed and softened into the most comfortable things I owned.

  ‘Can you stay for the rodeo at least?’ she asked, her voice lowered. ‘Damn, sugar. We’ll miss the hell out of you.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, remembering the flight times, knowing which one I could book. ‘Unless . . . is me being there just going to distract him more? Maybe it might be better to stay away?’

  She shook her head, holding my gaze.

  ‘He’ll be able to focus better with you there,’ she said quietly, digging the toe of her boot in the dirt. ‘When the only person you can think about is elsewhere, somewhere you can’t go . . . that’s the most difficult thing in the world.’

  Her words sounded as though they came from experience, a sadness creeping in that I suspected wasn’t directly related to me and Jesse.

  I sighed, adjusting my hat as she gave me a look of understanding.

  ‘I can’t bear it, Bailey,’ I admitted, my knuckles turning white as I gripped the fencing. Somehow it was easier to admit it to her, as the person I knew the least well, next to Cole. ‘I feel like I’m torn right down the fucking middle. But maybe . . . maybe this is better for Jesse. To happen now, I mean, before we go any further.’

  I didn’t mean the words, I knew I didn’t.

  ‘Sugar, I’m not sure there’s much further to go?’ she questioned, a sad smile growing. ‘I mean, I’ve noticed how much you guys light each other up, but it’s deeper than that, isn’t it? I don’t want to interfere, but you should know that in all the years I’ve known Jesse, since high school, I know for damn sure he’s never looked at anyone the way he does at you.’

  Another twist in my gut, the words landing so close to home that I almost flinched.

  ‘I’m going to see Luci,’ I murmured. ‘Would you call Rosie? See if we can visit her tomorrow, maybe? Or even a phone call if not.’

  She nodded slowly.

  ‘’Course. You need anything else, just holler.’

  I walked slowly into the barn and picked up Luci’s brushes from a shelf.

  ‘Hey, baby girl,’ I whispered as I let myself into her stall, her liquid black eyes studying me for a moment before she nuzzled my arm. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I whispered, unable to stop the tears as they came, running unchecked as I started brushing her, hating myself all the more as she leant against me. The person she trusted most in the world.

  Getting ready to leave her.

  Leave a whole world behind, including someone who’d come to mean everything.

  CHAPTER 16

  HESTIA

  ‘I can’t believe this is it.’ Lottie’s voice trembled, her head on my shoulder as we hugged. ‘Your last day. What the fuck am I going to do without you?’

  I’d woken up with one aim today. To get through it without crying. And yet here I was, at fucking 10 a.m., already forcing back emotion.

  ‘Are you kidding me?’ I said, pulling back and grasping her shoulders with my hands. ‘I’ve never seen anyone so in their element. This place is all you, Lots. The cabin’s almost done, you and Cole will finally have your own place to walk around naked and get as noisy as you like – you won’t even notice I’m gone.’

  Her eyes were glassy as she looked up for a moment, blinking, then back at me, trying to smile. We both knew the truth, of how much we’d come to rely on daily chats, small moments together that we’d not even had in London. It’d been like our uni days again, having my ride or die on call for good and bad.

  ‘I mean, I am looking forward to that,’ she admitted, hiccupping a laugh. ‘But . . . it’s just been amazing having you here. It feels like everything’s complete, you know? Especially seeing you and Jesse . . .’ She tailed off as my face changed, the yawning void of pain twisting my gut. ‘He didn’t say a word this morning,’ she added, eyes creased in worry. ‘He knows, right?’

  I took a step back, taking the nearest seat at the kitchen table and shaking my head.

  ‘He was there when Diane called and I said I’d try and find a solution, but he disappeared to help Cole and . . .’ I hesitated, another ripple of pain beginning, almost taking my breath away. ‘I didn’t see him again after that. I went to bed pretty early . . . I don’t know if he saw me asleep or what happened.’

  Lottie drew out the chair opposite and sat down, facing me, our knees interlinking.

  ‘I know Jesse a little now,’ she said, waiting for me to look up, her eyes pinched as she took in my distress. ‘When something is bothering him, he goes inward, into his own head. I know he won’t want to be making things any harder for you. He always thinks of himself last, you know? So don’t take it to mean he doesn’t care about you, I know he does.’

  ‘Maybe it’s for the best,’ I murmured, avoiding her gaze. ‘Jesse needs someone that won’t add to his list of responsibilities and problems, you know? Maybe it’ll be good for us both.’

  She sighed, just the sound of the kitchen clock between us.

  ‘Look at me,’ she ordered, her tone moving into business mode. As I did so, she narrowed her eyes. ‘Do you love him, Hes?’

  I flinched, startled, opening my mouth to respond and then closing it. There was no way of hiding it from her, not at this proximity, with her blue eyes piercing right through every façade I could manufacture.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I lied, trying anyway. ‘I don’t know what it feels like—’

  ‘Bullshit,’ she hissed. ‘Lying to yourself is one thing, but you can’t fucking hide it from me.’

  ‘So what?’ I challenged, throwing up my hands, watching as her expression hardened. ‘So what if I do? What difference does it make? Even if I wasn’t a fucked-up mess incapable of loving someone like they should be, I can’t stay anyway – I don’t have an American passport! What are we supposed to do? Fucking get married and hope for the best?’

  She sat upright, levelling me with her coolest stare.

  ‘Yeah, maybe – that’s one route,’ she said, refusing to respond to my incredulous expression. ‘Or there are work visas, either here at the ranch or elsewhere. It’d take some organization, but it’s possible. But that’s not the issue, is it?’

  I clenched my jaw, only just refraining from folding my arms.

  ‘Things don’t always work out perfectly! Not everyone has everything together.’

  She shook her head, slowly getting up from her chair.

  ‘I know you’ve had more shit than most to live with, but at this point, Hes, you’re making a choice. You are one of the smartest people I know, capable of doing anything or fixing anything you choose, but you’re just not choosing to do this.’ She paused, not flinching from my stare. ‘You know I’m saying this with love, but maybe it’s better that you do have a break, go home and reassess.’

  Though delivered calmly, her words stung.

  ‘Fine,’ I replied, mirroring her calm, pretending I couldn’t feel the cracks appearing deep down. ‘I’m leaving after the rodeo. Are you coming?’

  She shook her head, halfway to the door. We stared at each other for a moment until in the same moment we walked towards each other and hugged again.

  ‘I love you, Hes,’ she whispered.

  ‘I love you too,’ I mumbled, her hair blurring as tears formed.

  Taking a breath as we let go, I watched as she walked out without turning back, lifting her hand to her eyes as she went.

  I returned to packing, killing time before Dee arrived. My thoughts swirled, dwelling on Lottie’s reaction, dismissing it.

  This wasn’t a choice I could make. Cal was self-destructing and taking our business with it, and regardless of being in love with Jesse . . . I stopped, midway through stuffing T-shirts into the corner of my case. Torturous thoughts of the moments between us, the seconds between when we’d both known exactly what the other felt and thought.

  Despite that, neither of us had said it to the other. Surely, if he felt the same . . . wouldn’t he have said it?

  The sound of a car horn jolted me out of it. Grabbing my hat and sliding on my boots, I ran out of the front door, straight into Jesse.

  ‘Shit, sorry,’ I said as he reached out for me, his hands brushing my waist as I stepped back.

  He glanced at the car, Dee smiling tentatively behind the wheel.

  ‘You going out?’ he asked, his voice rough.

  I looked into his face, suddenly noting the darkness under his eyes, the way his face seemed drawn and pale.

  ‘Yeah, to the horse shelter. Need to find a place for Luci,’ I said, fighting with myself, resisting the urge to reach out and comfort him. ‘I’ll be at the rodeo later, okay?’

  He hesitated, thoughts clearly churning.

  ‘Can we talk then? I need to tell you –’ He stopped himself. ‘We just need to talk.’

  I nodded, heart beginning to race.

  ‘Okay,’ I agreed, not able to help myself reaching out for a moment, brushing the side of his hand with my finger as I walked past, down the steps to the drive.

  His eyes blazed as he looked back at me, the depth of feeling so painfully obvious that I almost ran straight back.

  But instead, climbing into Dee’s car, I shut myself down to it.

  Rosie’s ranch was entirely different to the Diamond Back. On the other side of Jackson, bordering the Wind River Reservation, it nestled into the valley, surrounded by open fields dotted with barns and more horses than I could count.

  ‘Thirty-two horses and two donkeys,’ Rosie admitted with a wry smile after Dee had made introductions. Her accent was a strange blend of the Wyoming twang and something else I couldn’t quite catch.

  ‘How do you cope with so many?’ I asked as she led me over to the nearest barn. Dee was staying behind at the ranch house to watch Rosie’s little girl, Addie. Not much of a kid person, I had to admit to being taken with the way she’d stomped outside in her own tiny cowboy boots, demanding a snack as we’d arrived. ‘And with Addie, too?’

  She shrugged.

  ‘Just getting stuck in,’ she admitted. ‘I’ve always been a sucker for animals. My family moved to Sydney in Australia when I was about Addie’s age, so I grew up in the city. Ended up living on a farm in the Australian outback for a couple of years after that, so when I came back here, I knew I wanted that same life again.’

  ‘Do you miss the city?’ I asked as we stepped into the barn. It was smaller than the one at the Diamond Back, but perfectly kept.

  ‘Sometimes,’ she replied, eyeing me with curiosity. ‘You thinking about staying here, maybe? Dee mentioned something about Jackson’s hottest bull rider.’

  I smiled back at her, hoping it didn’t come across as the grimace it felt like.

  ‘Just a bit of fun,’ I lied, desperate to not talk about it, think about him, for a few minutes.

  She chuckled as we approached the first stall, a small, pale grey pony popping its head over the top.

  ‘Well, I’m sure I’m not the first to warn you, but bull riders and cowboys . . . they’ve got a rep for a reason, you know? Fun’s one thing – and good for you – but there’s always a queue of women behind those guys. Especially him, right?’

  The pony nudged her hand, rewarded when she pulled a couple of mint sweets from her pocket.

  ‘Right,’ I admitted – then, not able to help myself, added, ‘But Jesse isn’t like that, not really.’

  She raised an eyebrow as I stroked the pony’s nose.

  ‘Come on now, neither of us are naive country girls who’ve never left the Midwest,’ she countered. ‘Men are all the same. They’re all magpies, after the next new shiny object.’ She held up her hands as I frowned. ‘I’m not being a bitch, I’m just saying what I’ve experienced. And you are one hell of a shiny object.’

  I knew what she was saying. There was a complete lack of malice in her tone.

  ‘Yeah, you’re probably right,’ I sighed.

  ‘I’m just saying, from one city girl to another, if you want to stay here, make it something for you. It’s an adjustment, for sure. Took me the best part of a couple of years to settle in. Dee says you’re a tattoo artist? There’s a great creative community here.’

  ‘Yeah, met a few people at the Jackson Collective,’ I replied. ‘Everyone’s been really welcoming.’

  ‘And now you’ve got yourself a horse, too?’ she asked, sharing more mints with the next horse down. ‘Bailey told me about the sale. Fucking assholes. Tell me about Luci, then. She not gonna cut it as a ranch horse?’

  I explained that she wasn’t broken in, that the thought of taking her to another horse sale to sell her on again was more than I could bear now I was going back home.

  She considered it, leaning on the stall door.

  ‘Well, I only usually take them in when there’s nowhere else to turn, otherwise I’d end up with twice as many as I have now. But Bailey rates her, tells me she’s got a sweet nature despite the rough start. So why don’t I take her on for a while? I’ve been wanting to show Addie how to work with young horses, so maybe we can see if we can get Luci into ranch shape? That way, if you do come back, she may be able to go back to the Diamond Back. Or we could sell her on to someone we know is decent, and split the profit maybe?’

  I exhaled with relief.

  ‘Thanks, Rosie,’ I breathed, ‘that would be amazing.’