‘Well, all right then,’ she smiled, eyes on the crossed swords tattoo on my right forearm. ‘And maybe I can wheedle a tattoo out of the bargain too? Dee hasn’t shut up about hers. Apparently half the Collective are queuing up to ask you.’

  ‘They are?’ I questioned, taken aback.

  She considered me for a moment.

  ‘It’d be great to have more interesting people like you move in round here,’ she said, shooing the grey pony back as it attempted to steal the remaining mints in her hand. ‘Think if you opened up for business here, you’d be pretty busy. I know people who fly to other states to get work done, too. Sure they’d come here for you.’

  I thought it over, wondering if she might be right.

  I was still wondering as I attempted to manhandle my heavy case out of the ranch house that afternoon. I was barely able to look at the now empty bedroom behind me, so full of moments of me and Jesse that I almost walked into my second cowboy of the day.

  ‘I’ve got it,’ Cole said, lifting it like it was nothing, a sad smile on his face. ‘You sure you don’t want me to take you to the airport after the show? It won’t take me long to help Bailey pack up.’

  I shook my head, wanting – needing – the anonymity of a taxi driver to drop me off. The thought of getting emotional with Cole was not something I was up for.

  Especially when the biggest goodbye of them all was going to hurt more than I might be able to bear.

  We talked about Luci on the way into town, avoiding anything that might bring us close to Jesse.

  ‘She can just stay at the ranch, you know,’ Cole said as we parked up near the chute entrance, my stomach already starting to churn as a group of cowboys walked past in full gear. ‘Lottie doesn’t mind at all.’

  ‘I don’t want her to be a burden,’ I explained, catching his glance. ‘It was my decision to buy her – I caused the problem, so I need to solve it. She’s taking up money and room where she is. Plus, Rosie can help break her in. Project for her little girl, Addie.’

  He smiled at that.

  ‘Another firecracker in the making,’ he replied, nodding to me. ‘But Luci’s not a burden, any more than you are,’ he continued, with a sideways glance at me as we showed our passes at the gate and left my suitcase in one of the luggage lockers. ‘To any of us, least of all Jesse.’

  I felt myself tense all over, suddenly glad to hide under my hat. I wished he could be right.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said simply, eyes on the gaggle of people ahead. Competitors with numbers on their backs, bull and bronc riders surrounded by rodeo officials, and a sprinkling of women, conspicuous in their tiny skirts in a sea of leather chaps.

  Among them, I realized with a start, was Chrissy – Jesse’s ex from the diner. In full glam she was radiant, a fitted denim minidress and pale straw cowboy hat, cream-coloured boots and a cascade of pale blonde hair.

  Cole caught my gaze as I forced myself to look away, Rosie’s words about shiny objects ringing loudly in my ears.

  ‘You met Jesse’s sister, Clara, right? She’s watching today,’ he said, his voice soft, as though he’d guessed my thoughts. ‘He wanted to let you know. Up in that stand there, to the right of the chute.’

  It was where I’d sat previously, in those fear-laced moments right before . . . the other moments. In the truck afterwards.

  ‘Okay,’ I croaked, feeling that same anxiety wind itself around me again.

  ‘He’ll be fine,’ Cole reassured me. ‘And if I don’t see you before you go, look after yourself, you hear?’

  I nodded as he pulled me in a gentle hug, utterly subsuming me within his vast reach.

  ‘Cole?’ I asked, stepping back to look up, almost stalling at the kindness in his warm eyes. ‘If . . . if there was going to be a, um . . . special moment coming up, would there be a specific time to come back and visit?’

  A laugh rumbled in his throat as he smiled.

  ‘I’m not a hundred per cent sure . . . maybe sometime around Thanksgiving or Christmas,’ he said, shrugging. ‘I’ll message you. But are you sure you won’t be back before then? Is there no chance?’

  ‘Honestly . . . I don’t know.’

  He nodded, his smile fading to concern at my expression.

  ‘I’ll miss you, Hestia. We all will.’

  I nodded. I was reaching my limit, the internal floodgates only just holding back. Smiling as I turned, especially when he touched the brim of his hat to me, I headed up the stairs just as the bull riding was announced.

  ‘Hestia! Over here!’ Clara waved, a spare beer in one hand.

  I picked my way over, receiving a hug as I arrived.

  ‘So I hear you’re leaving us, huh?’ she said after the initial greetings, her curiosity clearly too great not to get straight into it.

  I explained about the business, the whole situation with Cal.

  She rolled her eyes at that.

  ‘Men are fucking useless sometimes, huh?’ she replied, shaking her head. ‘I mean, not all of them, but I always think things are best left to women to manage, if you actually want to get it done . . . You’re coming back though, right? We’re throwing a big party for Mom next month, it’s her goddamn sixtieth, can you believe it? She’s asked if you’d come.’

  ‘I want to,’ I said, pausing as the announcer read out Jesse’s name. My stomach churned and I clutched the beer bottle. ‘But I don’t know if I can.’

  Her face changed, as though she’d suddenly understood something, a frown appearing.

  ‘Oh . . . shit. Does Jesse know that?’ she asked, my own face giving it away before I had a chance to answer. ‘Well. Fuck.’

  ‘I need to speak to him,’ I said, trying not to flinch as the gate opened to the first bull rider, the crowd roaring.

  She nodded, watching with me as the bull flung him off in under eight seconds, making a dash for the fence and away from the flailing hooves.

  ‘Do you guys have a few more days at least? Maybe make some plans?’ she asked, leaning back, looking over towards the chute. I knew she was looking for him – so I stared dead ahead, watching the wranglers get the bull under control and back in the pen.

  ‘My flight is in a few hours,’ I murmured, catching her surprise in the corner of my eye.

  She said nothing for a moment, just looked into her beer, taking a breath. I glanced over, watching what looked to be turmoil.

  ‘I don’t want to leave,’ I confided as she looked back at me, intensity in her grey eyes. They were so similar to Jesse’s that I almost couldn’t hold her gaze.

  ‘Go find him,’ she blurted, a real sense of urgency in her voice. ‘Get out of here together, spend whatever time you have left together. Fuck the competition.’

  I recoiled, surprised.

  ‘What?’

  She grimaced to herself, seemingly considering her words carefully.

  ‘He’s told me just how much he cares about you,’ she said quietly, and I felt myself still. ‘And it’s my guess that you feel the same. Am I wrong?’

  Pinned to the spot, I could only shake my head.

  ‘Then go. There will be plenty more bulls to ride next week. You’re only here for another couple of hours.’

  Butterflies releasing, I stood as she did, her hand squeezing my shoulder.

  ‘I’ll see you again,’ she said, nodding. ‘I know it. Now go talk to him.’

  In a daze, unsure why I couldn’t do otherwise, I climbed back down the steps, blindly looking for him, any sign of the now familiar Diamond Back jacket. Wincing at the sound of angry hooves against metal as I approached the chute side on, I suddenly saw him in the back corner, talking to another cowboy.

  I stopped, reaching out for the barrier next to me, suddenly overwhelmed with what we were about to do.

  The scene I’d envisaged in my mind melted away as even at this distance, the tears welled up, resting right on the edge of rolling over. I hesitated, suddenly contemplating the coward’s way out, to turn and just keep walking, walk all the way to the damn airport.

  At that moment he looked up, stopping mid-sentence as he saw me, the other man glancing in my direction as in the next moment, he began striding towards me.

  I let go of the barrier, teeth clenched as I all but ran to meet him, our bodies colliding in a crush.

  We said nothing for a second, his arms wrapped tight around me as I buried my face into his shirt, breathing him in. I felt his hand on my hair, holding me gently in place as he kissed my head.

  All the words I’d put together, all the ways of saying goodbye suddenly felt meaningless. There was no way this could somehow be made to feel anything other than devastation.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I choked, forcing myself to pull back, stopping as he held tight to my waist. ‘I know you’re about to ride—’

  But he wasn’t listening. Reaching down and pulling my chin up, he kissed me, hard.

  That kiss, his mouth . . . it was everything we’d said to each other, everything we’d done and everything we hadn’t had the chance to. It was need and yearning and love, all in one. My tears fell freely as every barrier I’d raised fell down, the raging torrent of feeling crashing against them all.

  ‘Hestia,’ he breathed, an urgency in his voice I’d never heard before as we parted, his thumb wiping my cheeks. ‘I need you to know—’

  ‘I can’t do this,’ I choked, the guilt of what I was about to do swallowing me whole. ‘I’m leaving. I couldn’t find another way. My flight’s in—’

  ‘No,’ he begged, his fingers guiding my face back to look at him, his own tears gathering. ‘We’ve got to find a way to make this work with you here – I can’t . . . I don’t want to be without you, Hestia. I need you to know. I love you. I’m in love with you.’

  Part of me, the part that loved him back so fiercely that I could barely breathe, felt the kind of joy I’d never imagined knowing. That he returned my feelings, that a man like this could love someone like me. But the other part, the darkness that swirled below, that told me I could never deserve anything so good, pulled me down, drowning out everything.

  I closed my eyes to it for a moment, the sensation of pain building in my chest.

  ‘Oh, Jesse . . . fuck,’ I breathed, trying to stop the sobs building. ‘You can’t. You need someone whole, someone that will give you everything you deserve—’

  ‘I want you,’ he whispered, his lips on mine again for a moment, lifting me to him. ‘I need you. I love you.’

  The tears came for real then, great racking sobs as he pulled me into him, holding me tight while the rodeo swirled around us.

  ‘Let’s get out of here,’ he urged, ‘come on. I don’t need to ride. We can go back to the ranch and talk things through.’

  ‘I can’t,’ I whispered, feeling him tense against me. ‘That’s what I’m trying to say. My flight’s at nine thirty.’

  ‘Tonight?’ His voice suddenly broke, the strength he’d held for us both failing.

  I nodded, pulling back as I wiped my face again. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. I’d never hated myself more than in this moment, watching his shock register, pain gathering in every corner of his face. ‘I never meant for this . . .’

  ‘Please don’t walk away,’ he begged. ‘We’ll find a way. Fuck it, I’ll come with you to London. I just – I can’t be without you.’

  I felt it then, the first fracture. I had to go. This could only get worse. Guilt, shame, love . . . all roiling together in a nauseating swirl.

  ‘I think I should go,’ I said, stepping back. ‘Just promise me you won’t ride tonight, not like this.’

  From the corner of my eye, I saw Cole watching us. I knew he’d be there for Jesse, would stop him from riding. I glanced at him, gesturing to Jesse.

  ‘Oh, fuck . . . Hestia, no, please.’

  Almost doubled over, as though punched in the stomach, he reached for me as I shook my head.

  I glanced to Cole, his eyes widening at my silent signal and marching over, his stare fixed on Jesse. So, with what little strength I had left, barely able to see through the tears, I turned and walked away.

  CHAPTER 17

  JESSE

  I could hear myself gasping, but somehow I couldn’t breathe.

  She was walking away. The woman I loved was walking away from me.

  ‘Hestia,’ I yelled, the sound swallowed by the crowds, the PA system announcing the results of the roping and the upcoming bull riding. My voice was hoarse, breaking as I straightened up, roughly swiping at my face to wipe away the tears.

  We had to talk. I had to make her understand, make her see that I wanted her, needed her, any fraction of her she was willing to give. I didn’t care if she didn’t feel whole right now, because I’d help her, support and love and give everything to her, until she realized just how incredible she was.

  I half choked, half yelled her name again as I started to walk forward, her red hair still visible in a sea of denim, black and brown. Determined, I’d buy a seat on the plane, fuck the cost, fuck everything else. We’d talk until we could kiss again, until she could feel how right it was that I loved her . . . and maybe, one day, when she was able, maybe she’d feel the same way.

  ‘Jesse, stop. Let her go.’

  Cole’s voice arrived at the same time as his hand on my arm, bracing himself as I turned to him, shaking it off.

  ‘I can’t, just let me—’ I began, side-stepping him, cursing my chaps and the way they slowed me down, restricting my movement.

  ‘No,’ he reiterated, striding in front of me, blocking my path with his body, blocking my line of sight to her. ‘Just let her leave.’

  ‘Get outta the fucking way,’ I growled, knowing full well what this would mean if he didn’t move. ‘I need to talk to her, just let me—’

  Some of the people around us had paused, seeing the two of us square up.

  ‘Jesse? Where’s –’ Clara barrelled into me, eyes wide, frowning at the way we’d positioned ourselves. ‘The fuck is going on?’

  ‘Hestia left,’ Cole murmured, his eyes still fixed on me, unblinking. ‘But Jesse wants to go after her, even though it’s not gonna end well.’

  With every second I knew my chance of stopping her was fading. A huge surge of grief buried low was rising up and up, threatening to drown me.

  ‘Fuck this,’ I snapped, taking off my hat and throwing it down. ‘So help me, Cole, get the fuck out of my way before I lose my shit and end up doing something I’ll regret.’

  I could hear Clara trying to talk me down, other voices in the background behind her, but all I could see were the tears streaming down Hestia’s face, feel the way she’d clung to me. My chest was cracking, rending everything inside. The pain was suffocating.

  Oh God, Hestia, I need you.

  Cole’s body was still, unyielding even as I stepped up to him and drew my arm back. Just a flash of sadness in his eyes, as though he was willing to take whatever I was about to give because he knew, he understood. Fuck him. Fuck this. Anger surged as I imagined her stepping into a cab even as we stood here, wasting time. I clenched my fingers into a fist, preparing to launch myself into his impassive stance until . . . another arm wrapped around my arm from behind.

  ‘Whoa there, Jesse! You lost your damn mind? The only thing you’ll end up with after punching Miller is a broken hand. C’mon now – Jesse!’

  Cole’s eyes flicked to the voice behind as I closed mine for a moment.

  I turned to see my buddy Jace and his brother, Jonah, all decked out for the competition just like me. Jace released my arm as I shook it off.

  ‘You okay?’ Jonah asked, glancing between me and Cole. ‘You want us to back you up—’

  ‘Oh for fuck’s sake,’ Clara suddenly declared, throwing herself into the middle. ‘Simmer the hell down, all of you. Jesse – running after Hestia right now isn’t gonna help, especially if she doesn’t want you to. Cole is just trying to stop you getting hurt some more. And you two –’ she pointed at the brothers – ‘need to mind your business and get the fuck back to the chutes. Now.’

  I nodded as they looked back to me to check, tipping their hats with sheepish expressions towards Clara, who kept her eyes on them like a hawk as they left.

  Finally clocking the small crowd that’d gathered round, I gritted my teeth and scooped my hat back up off the ground, catching sight of a familiar, long absent face among them.

  Tristan Sinclair. As tall and imposing as his older brother and dad, and just as out of place – more at home in suits than jeans, his smart mouth and hard eyes making him a likely target for a post-rodeo brawl.

  He caught my stare for a moment, then looked over to Cole, his expression blank.

  ‘What the hell is he doing here?’ Cole muttered under his breath, staring just as I had been, watching as Tristan turned and walked off, heading back over in the direction of the stands.

  ‘Thank fuck Lil’s not here,’ I replied, grateful for the distraction.

  Cole nodded, his brow deeply furrowed as he glanced back at me.

  ‘Look, I’m sorry, I just . . .’

  I shook my head, kicking at a couple of stones in the dirt.

  ‘I get it. I know what you’re trying to do,’ I murmured, unable to help looking towards the parking lot, as if by some miracle Hestia was going to come wandering back.

  ‘Go on and get outta here,’ Clara urged, holding out a hand to take my competitor number. ‘Ain’t no way you’re riding tonight. Hand it over and I’ll take it back to the office for you. Go get a drink or something, okay?’

  The anger was fading as I clenched my jaw, knowing she was right and hating it all the same. Taking the number off and handing it to her, I could feel the pain seeping through me, as though the anger had kept it at bay and now . . . it really fucking hurt.

  ‘I’m sorry, Jesse,’ she said, holding my hand for a moment as she took my number. ‘Truly, I am.’

  Not trusting myself to speak, I walked towards the car park, Cole walking with me, matching my silence.

  Other than putting one foot in front of the other, I had no idea what to do next. It was like someone had erased the path I’d been walking until now. All colour had drained away; there was nothing left to say or do. What I’d begun to see as my whole damn future was on her way to the airport and it seemed like there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.