I just stared at her, silenced by the size of her gesture, her willingness to share. Just as Jesse had shown me, from day one.

  ‘I don’t know what to say,’ I admitted, allowing myself to smile as she did.

  ‘Well, book me onto another flight for a start, then we need to go get our martinis. You need to go pack, and I need to tell Jamie he’s got a few more days to put up with me.’

  ‘Yes, ma’am,’ I replied, grinning as she put her arm around my shoulder.

  I left after transferring Lil the money for a new flight, getting her into Jackson in three days’ time. Butterflies swarming in my gut, I knew that even though I didn’t need to be at Heathrow until 4 a.m. for a flight just after 6 a.m., there was no way I would sleep in between.

  So, with equal amounts of trepidation and excitement, I packed up my room at the hotel, trying not to focus on the hellish feelings that’d filled that space since I’d been there. Eventually, after triple-checking plug sockets and under the bed, I was checking out and climbing into an Uber.

  We wound through streets I knew and gradually, through the evening traffic, pub- and party-goers on every pavement, we drove out into parts of the city I didn’t wholly recognize, interspersed with memories of moments here and there over the years. I drank in every sight. London had been the first place to truly feel like home after the misery of my childhood and teenage years. It was vast and anonymous in so many ways but had accepted me for what I was, given me a place to start. But Jackson . . . that felt different.

  Finally, almost approaching midnight, the airport loomed ahead.

  Just six hours until I could leave.

  Just twenty-four hours until I might see Jesse again.

  More butterflies erupting in my chest, I set about the process of waiting, trying desperately to focus on one thing then another, careful not to let my mind wander too far. By the time we were finally boarding, then up in the air, I was ready to let the low drone of the engines pull me down into sleep.

  Lottie’s messages were waiting for me when I arrived into Denver, telling me that she and Cole had been trying to get hold of Jesse; that she was willing to drive on up to Livingston Peak once she’d picked Lil up from the airport if I wanted her to.

  I smiled to myself, glad that Lil and I had agreed to say nothing about our swap – just let my arrival be a surprise.

  But once I’d answered Lottie, my body and brain now fully awake after a solid seven hours’ sleep, I could no longer ignore the thoughts that surrounded me; the ones that asked how the hell this would all work if Jesse and Chrissy were now back together. How would I cope seeing them together at the ranch? And would I be able to tattoo professionally on a work visa tied to the ranch?

  At the back of my mind I was still turning over whether this would be a temporary trip or whether now, free of Cal and the studio, I could set myself up afresh in London. It was an option, I knew, but one that felt . . . empty.

  Getting on the smaller plane to Jackson a couple of hours later, I noticed a couple of other passengers in cowboy hats, and reality began to hit. Gently, reverently, I took mine out of my case, running over the details with my fingers and remembering the day Dee had given it to me at the Collective.

  That’s where I could picture myself tattooing again – fresh designs, inspired by the endless landscape all around. And as we flew into the Grand Teton National Park, descending among the jagged tips below, my old signature cherry blossom design began to morph into the small, amethyst-coloured wildflowers all around the ranch. I could picture exactly the shading technique I’d use, the precise colour combinations. Pulling out the notepad and pen I always carried, I spent the rest of the flight sketching and was surprised when we suddenly bumped down onto the runway, the mountain peaks now soaring above the plane.

  I spotted Lottie in the terminal before she saw me. She was still discernibly the Lottie I’d always known, more likely to choose pastel shades and simplicity over detail, but the western accents brought her to life – made sense of the untamed curls kept in check by her camel-coloured hat, city heels swapped for the stylish tan leather boots.

  She just belonged here.

  I wondered if – and hoped – I might be able to pull off my own version.

  Approaching her from the side, knowing she was fixed on locating her cousin, I made an attempt at Lil’s lilting drawl.

  ‘Howdy, cowgirl.’

  Head whipping towards me, confusion widening her eyes, she froze for a moment before squealing, running to catch me in a hug that almost send us both flying.

  ‘What the fuck? Oh my God! Is this really happening?’ she cried, laughing as our hats landed on the floor beside us. ‘Where’s Lil? Did she come too?’

  I shook my head, still holding onto her. I’d never been more grateful to see someone I loved.

  ‘She gave me her flight – there was nothing else for another couple of days. Besides, I made myself pretty popular with her new man; he gets a couple more days of her.’

  ‘I can’t believe you’re here,’ she breathed, picking up my smaller bag as I grabbed my big roll-on case. ‘Does . . . anyone else know?’

  I shook my head, updating her on the last conversation between Lil and Jesse as we walked out to Cole’s truck. Lottie’s brow pinched as I repeated his words, that he didn’t know what to think about me.

  ‘And don’t even get me fucking started on Chrissy,’ I spat as we climbed in.

  ‘Yeah, I’ve had the lowdown on her from Bailey,’ she replied, giving me a grim smile, holding up a finger as I was about to ask for all of it. ‘Listen, before we get going – we can either drive up to Livingston Peak tonight, but we won’t get there until late, especially as I’ll need to grab a few things to stay over. Or, we can leave first thing, get there early and maybe stay over after the rodeo?’

  Her hopeful smile was more than I could let myself join in with; she was clearly imagining an outcome I hadn’t dared to hope for.

  ‘Let’s go first thing,’ I replied. ‘I don’t want you driving tired and I’m sure Cole doesn’t either.’

  She nodded.

  ‘Although . . . have you moved back to your room since I left?’ I asked as we set off.

  ‘Actually, no,’ she said, the smile suddenly becoming a grin again. ‘I meant to tell you when we spoke last, but everything was a bit . . . you know.’ She paused, grimacing as I nodded my agreement. ‘I, um . . . well, I’ve moved into the cabin . . . with Cole.’

  I squealed, grabbing her for a half hug and trying not to land us in a ditch as she laughed, just about keeping control of the truck.

  We chatted happily for the rest of the way back. As we finally turned off the highway and up onto the Diamond Back road, driving under the ranch sign and winding up the steep track, I was overwhelmed by the feelings it brought back.

  It had only been three weeks since I left, but so much had passed since then that it felt like a year. Except this time, I realized as we pulled in by the house next to Bailey’s truck – Jesse’s truck conspicuous by its absence – it was very different.

  ‘I’ll give you a minute to unpack stuff – then come see the cabin?’ Lottie clapped her hands, hugging me again. ‘I thought it would be ages, months and months, before I could show you that!’

  I laughed as we hauled the big case up the front steps together.

  ‘Oh, and there’s someone else who’ll be glad to see you – other than Bailey and Cole, of course.’

  I frowned, knowing she wouldn’t sound so light-hearted if Jesse was back here, by some miracle.

  ‘What? Who?’ I asked, suddenly wondering if by some chance Dee could be here.

  ‘Well, it was supposed to be a surprise for whenever you did visit next . . . and a way of holding onto you for a little longer, I suspect,’ she began as we made our way to my old room – her old room. ‘But Luci never did make it over to Rosie’s sanctuary. Jesse called her up the day after you left, told her he was taking on Luci’s training instead.’

  I stared at her for a moment, not quite able to take it in.

  ‘He worked on her every day, breaking her in for you, right up until he headed off for the rodeo yesterday. Even with his wrist. Wanted you to have your own horse here, to keep a place for you, if you ever decided to come home – back.’

  I perched on the side of the bed. Somehow, I was back in exactly the same place, and yet . . . not. I couldn’t help the tears that began to gather, and I gently shushed her concern as she took her place at my side.

  ‘I don’t know what I did to deserve it,’ I murmured, shaking my head at her small smile. ‘To deserve him.’

  She kissed the side of my head.

  ‘It’s not about deserving him, or him you,’ she said, her clear eyes calm as they rested on mine. ‘That’s the thing about love, right? Real love, I mean. It’s not conditional. It just . . . is. I know our relationship didn’t turn out as you wanted, way back in the beginning.’ She smiled as I blinked back tears. ‘But you know how much I love you, right? No conditions attached, not because you “deserve” it or either of us owes the other anything.’

  I nodded, her words confirming the feelings that had dawned since I’d been away.

  ‘You’re way too pretty for a Yoda type,’ I whispered back, bumping her knee with mine. ‘And I know because I feel the same.’ I paused, smiling as her wild curls cascaded over my shoulder as she leant on me. ‘You’re the reason I even know how that feels at all, Lots.’

  It was her turn to well up, dabbing at the corners of her eyes.

  ‘Okay, okay, enough of the heavy shit,’ she said, exhaling. ‘Meet me at the barn in ten? We’ll say hi to Luci and then surprise Cole and Bailey.’

  I nodded, closing my eyes briefly to the quiet as she left. There were so many memories in this room, in this bed, the bathroom . . . they were good memories, the best, only tinged with a little pain – right now. But after tomorrow, would I be able to bear being here?

  Unpacking a little, I emerged into the corridor, reassured by the peaceful calm of the house. On impulse, rather than walking over to the front door to head to the barn, I carried on down the corridor and then headed up the stairs, hesitating as I reached the first room on the right.

  I pushed the door open, immediately enveloped by everything Jesse. We hadn’t spent much time together in here, with my room offering a little more privacy, further away from the others, but this room was a small piece of him – his wonderful smell, details that could only be his.

  Not wanting to violate his privacy, I just stood in the doorway, fighting tears, until I noticed a shirt hanging from the handle on his closet door. Stepping across the floor, I picked it up and, unable to help myself, held it to my face and breathed it in for a moment.

  My feelings were like a sledgehammer in response. The chest-crushing emotions of leaving him at the rodeo, begging me not to go. The sheer scale of the love I’d begun to feel and that had grown since, blanketing my insides like the wildflowers in the valley meadows.

  I’d spent my life alone, relying on no one else, not even Lottie – definitely not Cal. I’d allowed myself to see glimpses of love, lust, and whatever else had passed through me over the years. But nothing that had consumed me like this, that I had no control over.

  Jesse and me . . . if we got it right, I could finally see how we could be so much better together than apart. That to want and need another person didn’t make you weak or vulnerable. There was so much strength in a relationship grounded in this kind of love – in holding each other’s vulnerability and keeping it safe.

  Replacing the shirt reluctantly, I made my way out of the house, knowing there was only one thing left to do. Work visas and everything else aside, Jesse had to know how I felt, how I really felt – all of it. I would have to bare my soul to him and be ready to have it ripped apart if he didn’t feel the same; ultimately, it was up to him whether or not he could trust me again, love me again.

  CHAPTER 23

  HESTIA

  Lottie’s cabin was beautiful.

  Like a snapshot of her relationship with Cole, it was clearly built with so much care and love that the whole place sang with it, from the kitchen, paint matched to Lottie’s favourite shade of pale, powder blue-grey, to the wraparound deck complete with a hand-made rocking chair – yet another gift from Cole.

  ‘Hestia,’ Bailey called, walking over as Cole lifted Lottie’s case into the back of his truck, scooping her up into a kiss before she could climb in. ‘I forgot to say. One of the guys at the Livingston Peak rodeo, Bill, he’s an old friend of mine. If you need extra help getting round the back near the chutes, or if Jesse doesn’t pick up, try him.’

  I nodded, exhaling.

  ‘You all right, cowpoke?’ she asked, checking under the brim of my hat.

  ‘Yeah, I guess. I just want to get there, you know?’

  The truth was that nerves had churned up my guts since I’d woken up at 5 a.m. with jet lag kicking in, my body clock rejecting the time difference. The only thing that had calmed it was heading down to the barn, a walk so ingrained in my subconscious that I knew each step before I’d made it, heading straight for Luci’s stall. Her greeting had been as sweet and heart-healing as ever; she had searched my pockets for treats and been rewarded with an apple I’d brought from the kitchen. I’d brushed her down, a fine haze of her fire-red hairs drifting across the shafts of sunlight that glanced across the wall, her head resting against my back.

  ‘Know what I do before a competition, when all the stress kicks in and I’m wondering if I’ve got the stomach for it?’ Bailey said, smiling as I looked up at her in hope. ‘Either distract myself by talking about shit that has nothing to do with rodeo, something totally different. Or, maybe when you get closer, just focus on visualizing the thing you want. For me, that’s racing over the line, everything feeling just right, hearing my time and knowing I’ve made it into first. For you . . . well. Whatever you want that to be.’

  But as Lottie and I waved goodbye to them both and got onto the highway heading north, I just couldn’t picture it. I couldn’t see how I would get Jesse to trust me again, especially in terms of what he thought Cal and I had done. Hadn’t I told him often enough how fucked up I was, told him I’d moved away to protect him from it?

  ‘You want to listen to some music?’ Lottie asked. Her voice was light, but I could hear the concern leaking through from underneath.

  ‘Sure,’ I said, shifting into a more comfortable position. ‘But distract me, please, before my brain takes me over the fucking edge.’

  She paused for a moment, selecting a radio station and keeping it on low.

  ‘Cal’s not all bad, is he?’ she said, smiling as I turned to her, incredulous.

  ‘What? Where did that come from?’ I asked, trying to make sense of how she’d landed there.

  ‘You said distract you, and I am,’ she continued, a familiar glint in her eye as she turned back to the road. ‘But he’s not actually a bad guy, is he?’

  I blinked, simultaneously wondering what she was up to, but suddenly plunged back into the complexity of his chaos, our chaos.

  ‘No,’ I said slowly, thinking of how we’d left things – the lack of animosity, in the end, despite everything. ‘He’s not. It’s us, as a couple. Together we’re toxic. We always were, I think.’

  Lottie shot me a sympathetic look.

  ‘I don’t know, the early days were pretty good, right?’ she replied. ‘The ones at uni, anyway. He was always a bit of a loose cannon, but you guys had fun together, I remember it.’

  I nodded, suddenly smiling as I remembered one particular night out where Cal had commandeered a battle of the bands night at the student union bar, belting out Linkin Park bangers and dragging me up on stage with him. Together we’d screamed at the crowd and they’d joined in, eventually blowing one of the speakers.

  ‘Yeah, we had some good times,’ I admitted. ‘Although I guess . . . with context, and what I know now . . . what they should look like, what love actually feels like . . . It just wasn’t healthy.’

  I stopped, my mind drifting back to Jesse again.

  Lottie bit her lip, glancing at me briefly.

  ‘What?’ I said, curiosity thoroughly awoken. ‘What’s happened?’

  She shook her head to dismiss it, but as she smiled, I knew she wasn’t going to tell me. Yet.

  ‘Nothing,’ she said. ‘I was just thinking about that time both of our parents came to visit in second year – remember? How we decided exactly what we didn’t want from a relationship after that.’

  I almost winced, remembering all too well. My stepfather’s barely withheld disdain as he met Cal; the disappointment in my mum’s face as she took in my building tattoo sleeve; the way Cal had looped his arm around my shoulders at dinner.

  ‘Did I tell you what my mum said to me after that visit?’ I asked quietly, suspecting I’d hidden it away at the time – ashamed to admit just how broken my family was, not thinking anyone would understand.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ she replied, real concern winding through her expression now.

  It replayed in my mind, the inflections in her voice still as clear now as they had been then.

  ‘She told me never to rely on a man, on anyone but myself. That she was trapped by my stepfather, forced to stay with him for our sakes, for me and Theo. She said –’ I paused, wanting to say the words aloud, wondering if it might release them. ‘Relationships, marriage . . . is all a trap. People only ever use each other for their own gain.’