“I remember the door knocker.” She doubted she’d ever forget that cow staring her down after their first kiss.

  Seren continued, “Leslie told me I’ve gotta clear out more of the cow stuff and a bunch of the furniture so the place looks more open. Less cluttered. I’ve been trying to focus on that so I don’t miss you too much. But all I do is think of you anyway.”

  “I’d like the cow door knocker.” Even if it came with memories.

  “Mom and you would have gotten along so well it’s scary.” Seren cleared her throat. “Anyway…”

  “Don’t throw out her cow quilt. I know you’ll want it someday.”

  “I promised myself I’d save that and the annoying cow teapot when you told me that story about your dad. And his stinky fishing jacket.” Seren seemed to wait for Paige to say something. When she didn’t, she said, “It’s late. I’ll let you go.”

  “Okay. Good night.”

  Paige expected Seren to say good night and the line to click. When it didn’t happen, she sat down on a hay bale and listened to Seren’s breathing. Minutes passed. Finally, she had to say the three words that were still true. So true that her chest caved in trying to hold them back. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” Seren’s voice sounded shaky. “That’s what I was sitting here thinking but I wasn’t going to say it because maybe that’s not fair.”

  “It’s fair. You can’t help falling in love.” Although she really hadn’t tried to stop herself from falling for Seren. But it was too late to look back. “I could come to your house and pick up the cowbell tomorrow if you want. After work. We have that list of things I was going to fix over there. You helped me here and I didn’t finish helping you.”

  “I’m not sure it’s a good idea for you to come here. For me. I’m sure you’d be fine, but I’m having a hard time with this.”

  What could she say to that? The gray cat reappeared, threading between Paige’s legs. A moment later she hopped up on the hay bale and pushed her head into Paige’s side.

  “I want you so much I can’t think of anything else,” Seren said. She wasn’t holding back her tears now. “These past few nights have sucked. I lie in bed wishing you were holding me. Wishing I could say the words that you wanted to hear.”

  Which meant she couldn’t. Paige took a deep breath. She didn’t want to cause either of them more pain. “I feel like we’re stuck. I want to go forward, and it’s not right for me to ask you to take that big of a leap. And you want to pretend we’re not in as deep as we are.”

  Seren murmured an agreement.

  “You know how I said that I wouldn’t have to be a parent? That I’d leave everything to you? I’ve thought about it a lot, and I don’t think I’d be able to do that. I started thinking about being a parent when you sent me that first picture of the ultrasound—when they had to remeasure to make sure you weren’t having a huge baby. I was ready to help you raise an Andre the Giant.”

  Seren half laughed, half choked. “You would, too.”

  “I would.” She sighed. “If you moved in, and our relationship kept going forward, I’d want to be part of the kid’s life. I’d want to be involved. And if you didn’t let me, I’d be mad at you for keeping that from me. For not letting me help you. I want someone who’s willing to share their whole self with me. Not only the parts that feel safe.”

  “I know.”

  Another long, quiet minute passed. The gray cat took a tentative step onto Paige’s thigh. Paige held still, and a moment later all four legs were in her lap. She scratched under the cat’s chin and was rewarded with a loud purr. If only women were so easy.

  “So, I guess I should say good night. Or do you think we should say goodbye instead?” The words hurt, but she wanted to be done with the pain. She wanted to move on if that’s all that was left to be done.

  “There’s some things you were right about too,” Seren said. “I should have taken a minute to think about what you were saying. I didn’t. I jumped to a conclusion that wasn’t completely fair. You’re not my dad. And this relationship isn’t my parents’.”

  Paige couldn’t help how fast her heart stood up at attention. Her mind, though, propped up doubts just as fast. “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I’d like to talk more about what we are. About what we both want. Honestly, I feel sick when I think about not having you in my life. Even if we’re only friends.”

  Paige’s stomach turned. Only friends.

  “If you need more time or more space or more whatever, I get it. But it’s killing me not knowing what we’re doing.”

  “I haven’t been able to think about anything else either.”

  “Maybe we could go for a walk? Or go to a coffee shop or something?” Seren’s voice was hopeful, but there was a trace of uncertainty in it. Like she worried Paige might not agree.

  “A walk sounds nice.”

  Chapter Forty

  A walk had never felt like such a big deal. Seren stressed about what to wear. About where they should go. About if it’d be too warm—there’d been a heat wave with no days under a hundred for a week. She wondered if she should have suggested Paige come over to her house instead. Most of all, though, she stressed about what she’d say.

  She’d talked to Leslie about everything. But she’d also discussed most of the situation with the water aerobics class. Rita and Claia weighed in, as did a dozen others—including Beatrice—which might have been weird but wasn’t. Seren had come to feel comfortable with all of them.

  At first, everyone agreed it was too soon to move in with Paige. But when she’d admitted she’d never felt happier than she had those months with Paige—nor more miserable in the four days she’d gone without her—everyone said what she felt in her heart: maybe they belonged together. Maybe taking a chance was worth the risk of heartbreak.

  On Thursday, the heat wave broke. Rain came, as unexpected in Davis in August as a free lunch. It positively never rained in August. But it rained. Not a downpour, but enough to make the dirt smell good. And the weather app predicted the high to only hit eighty-five.

  Seren fussed in the garden after work, trying to keep herself busy while she waited until seven when she was due to meet Paige. She showered and changed into a blue sundress she’d picked up at the maternity store. Gone were the days of trying to hide her belly. Tomorrow was her twenty-eight-week appointment, and it was undeniable that the baby was growing. She felt kicks regularly now. The first few seemed like miracles, and she’d stopped everything to put her hand on the spot the baby had kicked, hoping for another. Then it became clear the baby was training to be a soccer player.

  She decided to bike the ten minutes downtown. Her dress and the belly made it a little awkward, but she managed. She was from Davis, after all. Biking was part of life.

  The park was swarming with people and a band was playing. She hadn’t worried about not being able to find Paige, but five minutes after parking her bike she was still searching the crowd. Was it a bad sign if they couldn’t find each other? It was a silly thing to think, and yet she’d spent the past week considering all the signs that had pointed for or against Paige. She’d dreamed about her every night. In one of the dreams, Paige was holding a baby and she knew it was hers. The baby was laughing, and her heart had filled. But it was only a dream.

  Kids darted every which way in a big game of tag. Couples spread out picnic blankets and leaned together listening to the music. She checked her phone. No text, no missed call.

  “Hey.”

  Seren looked up at Paige’s voice. She had on a faded blue UC Davis baseball hat that Seren hadn’t ever seen her wear, and a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. Casual, and fitting the weather, but for some reason the hat tipped things to sexy. Or maybe that was simply Seren’s libido surging up despite everything.

  “Hi.”

  “You look nice. New dress?”

  Seren nodded.

  “It looks great on you.”

  Seren wanted a hug. A kiss would be even better. But Paige clearly wasn’t making a move to touch her. In fact, she took a step back, gazed around the park, and said, “I forget how busy it is here when they have the Music in the Park nights. Did you want to listen to the band?”

  “I’d rather walk. If that’s okay with you?”

  Paige nodded.

  She hadn’t really planned where they’d walk, but when she headed east to the rows of shops, it felt right. The noise of the park slipped away after a block, but it was hard to start talking when there was so much to be said.

  “It’s weird not holding hands,” Paige said.

  “We could hold hands.”

  Paige’s brow furrowed. “I don’t think I’m ready.”

  Neither was she, despite how much she wanted it.

  Paige paused at the corner of the intersection and half turned to face Seren. “I’m friends with a lot of people I’ve dated. But it takes a while for me to be ready for that.”

  “You want to be friends?”

  “You mentioned it when we talked and, well, I thought you should know that I’d consider it, but I’m gonna need more time.”

  “You didn’t really answer the question.”

  Paige nodded slowly. “I want to keep you in my life, so I guess I’d take the friend option. If that’s the choice.”

  “Good to know.” She glanced at the street as a group of bikers rode past, then at a parked car, anything to stall her from looking at Paige. “I feel the same. Being friends is kind of a last resort.” She met Paige’s gaze, and the hope in her eyes was unmistakable, but so was the steeliness. Paige was prepared to break up. It was up to her to decide whether they went forward.

  “I had a plan for what I wanted to say, and what I wanted to ask, but I’m not sure where to start.” She shook her head. “You know I wasn’t nervous on our first date, but I am now.”

  Paige glanced at the store they’d stopped in front of, and Seren realized it was the same bookshop they’d been to on their second date. “Want to go inside?”

  “Sure.”

  Paige opened the door and waited for her. When Seren stepped past, she caught a familiar scent of barn and soap and wanted to turn right into Paige’s arms. Instead, she made herself hurry past.

  The clerk working the counter looked up and smiled. “Let me know if you want any help finding anything.”

  “Thanks.” Seren forced a smile. Are there books on navigating a relationship that you’d doomed from the outset but now desperately want to work?

  “Think it’s my style?”

  Seren turned around. Paige had taken off her Davis hat and replaced it with a court jester hat. There was a rack of them to the left of the door. This time the smile came easy. “You’re a dork.”

  “If I wear this, will it make it easier or harder for you to tell me what you want to say?”

  Seren pulled the jester hat off Paige’s head, and then because she couldn’t resist, ruffled her hair. God, it felt good to touch her.

  Paige winked. “Harder?”

  “Actually, no.” She returned the hat to Paige, then reached for one herself and put it on. “To do it right, we both need to wear one.”

  “Okay.” Paige tugged the hat back on. Her smile barely turned up her lips, but it was there. She walked past Seren toward an aisle of self-help books and picked up the first one. “The 4-hour Workweek? This guy’s definitely not a vet.” She glanced at Seren. “Or a massage therapist.”

  “No kidding.” Seren picked up another. “How about this: The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck.”

  Paige shook her head. “Yeah, that guy’s also not a vet. Or a massage therapist. Probably a rich asshole, though.”

  Seren replaced the book she’d picked up and then reached for another. “Who Moved My Cheese? I read this one in high school.”

  “Really? So did I. Always felt bad for those starving mice. It’s kind of a messed-up story.”

  Seren couldn’t help laughing. “Of course you felt bad for the mice. You know, the point is not to starve. The smart mouse goes looking for more cheese.”

  “Yeah. One finds more cheese while the others starve. It’s capitalist bullshit. And who feeds mice cheese, anyway? They should be eating seeds and little insects.”

  “I don’t think that was the author’s point.” But she loved Paige’s commentary.

  “I could have missed the point. I often do.” Paige picked up another book. “The Year of Yes. Okay, now this person might be a vet.” She turned it over and read the back. Then she looked up at Seren. “Never mind. It’s about saying yes to things like dancing—not taking on more appointments.”

  Seren took the book, trying to place the author’s name. Shonda Rhimes. It clicked a moment later. “I’ve been wanting to read this.”

  “You thinking about taking up dancing too?”

  “I’ve been thinking about taking up you.” Seren said the words under her breath, but she knew Paige heard by the way her gaze darted to hers. She continued, raising her voice a little, “It’s written by the woman who created Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal. Two of my favorite shows.”

  “Good reason to get the book.”

  Seren thumbed it open, reading the first line she came to. “‘All I have to work with is the truth. But it’s my truth.’ I like that.” She flipped the page, scanning the words on the next.

  “What’s your truth?” Paige asked.

  Without looking up from the book, Seren said, “Right now, my truth is I’ve realized I’m scared to take chances. I don’t know where along the line I got to be the person who’d rather not fail than try something risky. But here I am.”

  Paige didn’t say anything, so Seren continued, “I met this woman. In water aerobics of all places. She’s amazing. I fell in love with her, but then she asked me to take a chance on us and I turned her down.” She took a deep breath, feeling the weight of regret all over again. “The really dumb part is, I wanted what she was offering. I was just scared it might not last.”

  “Is she cute?”

  Seren smiled. “Yes, but she’s not your type.”

  “You had every right to turn me down. I asked you to do something that was a big step. And we weren’t ready.”

  Seren didn’t meet Paige’s eyes. “Leslie says this is what I do when the universe hands me something on a platter. I run in the other direction even if it’s exactly what I want. Something seems too good to be true, too easy, and I think it can’t possibly work.” She paused, closed the book, and read the title again. “I’ve always wanted to live on a farm. Always. Used to dream about it when I was a little girl. That and being a mom. My other truth I recently discovered is that I love baby cows.”

  “They’re hard to resist.”

  “Impossible, actually.” She looked up, caught the sight of the red-and-yellow felt hat Paige was wearing, and shook her head at the ridiculousness. The bells on her own hat jingled.

  Paige cocked her head. “You think I look silly? You should see yourself.”

  “How’d you know what I was thinking?”

  Paige’s smile was still tentative, but her eyes had a familiar spark. She took off her jester hat and then Seren’s, combing her fingers through Seren’s hair as she did, ostensibly pushing strands back into place. Seren held her breath when Paige didn’t pull her hand back. Fingers threaded through her hair and then slipped behind her neck.

  Kiss me. If she could feel Paige’s lips, feel her kiss, she’d know if Paige was willing. Willing to be the one who would catch her if she jumped.

  Paige pulled back her hand a moment later. “It’s so hard not kissing you.”

  Seren wanted to push past Paige’s wall. She wanted to step forward and show her they didn’t need to resist what they both wanted. But she’d given them every reason to resist. She was the one who hadn’t wanted to take a chance on them.

  Paige looked down at the hats and then walked over to the rack and rehung them. When she came back to Seren, she held out her hand for the book. Instead of replacing it on the shelf, she walked up to the counter and passed it to the clerk along with her credit card. The clerk chatted with Paige, but Seren didn’t pay attention to their conversation. Nothing mattered except Paige’s answer to her unspoken question.

  After a moment, Seren turned and headed outside. She leaned against the building and closed her eyes. All the thoughts racing through her mind made it feel like she was standing next to a six-lane highway. She felt something brush against her arm and opened her eyes. Paige stood in front of her.

  “I have my twenty-eight-week checkup tomorrow. Will you go with me?”

  Paige nodded.

  “Will you be my birth partner?”

  “What about Leslie?”

  “She’s my second choice. You’re my first. But if you’re not willing—”

  “I’m more than willing.”

  “Good.” Seren exhaled. She’d been carrying the weight of the birth partner question for months, and yet she’d known Paige’s answer would be yes if only she asked. Now it was done. Paige would be there. “I’m gonna be a disaster. I’m a nervous wreck in hospitals after everything with my mom.”

  “I’ll be with you every minute. You won’t be alone.” Paige held out her hand and Seren took it. “What you said in there…what does it mean for us now?”

  “I guess a lot depends on you. What are you thinking?”

  “We’re not a sure thing. You’re right about that.” Paige hesitated. “There’s a lot of reasons why it might not work. And maybe if we don’t want to get our hearts broken—or if we don’t want things to get messy—maybe we should only be friends.”

  It was the last thing she wanted to hear, but she couldn’t argue. “Is being friends what you want?”