″Were charges brought against Vickery?” Preston asked.

  If so, should they tell Regina?

  ″There were witnesses who corroborated Vickery’s claim of self-defense.”

  ″And in all the time, between the fire and now, you had no reason to believe that Miss Rutledge had not died?” Alec asked.

  ″None. It was never mentioned. We all assumed…” Lord Timothy narrowed his eyes on Alec. “Why is this so important to you?”

  ″I knew her in London. I was taken with her, but she was betrothed to another. I had hoped it would end, but it did not, and I never got my chance.” Lord Timothy didn’t need to know everything, but the explanation should suffice.

  ″If you wish to court her, she is right out there. Why are you sitting in here with us?”

  ″I had hoped you would give me some answers, but I find I am still confused.” Unless she had heard the rumors and thought it best never to return to London. But she still could have let him know that she was alive.

  Chapter 9

  Regina had lost her appetite for tea and the cakes and sandwiches after Alec had arrived and she finished telling the women of her life after the fire.

  ″Does your cousin know you are alive?” Charlotte asked.

  ″Yes.”

  ″Did he leave you destitute because of your supposed demise?” Lady Timothy asked to which Regina chuckled.

  ″No. I still have my inheritance and he provides funds when it is necessary.”

  ″If you have your inheritance, why are you working as a governess?” Lady Melcombe asked. “Or perhaps it is not enough.”

  ″I did not know what else to do,” Regina answered honestly. Though in truth, she was wealthy and could do what she wished. Perhaps she should revisit the idea of moving to America and simply starting over. Or maybe purchase a small cottage in a small village where there was no chance that anyone would ever recognize her. If she lived frugally, she’d never need to find employment.

  Maybe that was exactly what she should do, then she’d never need to see Alec again, and her heart wouldn’t break when she did. If she found employment in another household, she might encounter those who knew her in London and it wouldn’t be long before Vickery learned and came after her.

  No, it was best if she returned to Scotland and buy a small cottage and live alone. To simply disappear.

  At the sound of voices down the hall, Regina stiffened. She could only hope that the men continued out of the manor and left them in peace.

  They did not, much to her disappointment. Soon, they’d insinuated themselves into the conversation, though thankfully she was no longer the topic. Regina said nothing, sipped her tea but felt the weight of Alec’s stare.

  She was used to people staring, at least at first, and it hadn’t really bothered her all that much. But Alec staring unnerved her.

  ″It’s a lovely day,” he said. “Would you care to stroll in the gardens with me, Miss Rutledge?”

  Her hands shook as she placed the cup and saucer on the table. They rattled against each other, and she hoped that nobody noticed. “Thank you, Lord Harwich.”

  She didn’t want to stroll with him. She didn’t want to answer any questions. She just wanted him to let her be. But none of those options were open to her since they were surrounded by others who were quite curious as to her past and now his attention.

  She took his offered arm and hadn’t expected him to still have an effect on her. She’d hoped that she’d buried all physical awareness and numbed herself. But the heat started in her hand as soon as it rested on his sleeve and spread up her arm, filling her being. He’d always had that effect on her. That was why she so easily succumbed to his seduction and then began seducing him. Oh, if only they’d experienced everything that could be, but they hadn’t. When she’d been willing to give herself fully, Alec had withheld because he’d not claim her until she was free and his. When he pressed, she’d remained vigilant in protecting her virginity until the time was right. They’d both been weak and they’d both been strong. Neither had been weak at the same time. Had they been, she would have known what it was like to be with him completely. Though in truth, she couldn’t imagine it being more glorious than what he’d already done to her body.

  Regina dismissed those thoughts and pushed the idea of Alec being intimate with her from her mind. It was too late, and they couldn’t go back.

  Alec said nothing while they walked and she suspected it was because he wanted them out of earshot of the manor, which she did appreciate. It would not be an easy conversation, but a necessary one.

  Alec finally paused beneath shade trees and turned to look at her. His eyes briefly glanced at the scar then back to her eyes.

  ″I apologize for my anger yesterday. And for kicking in your door. All of it.”

  She simply nodded.

  ″You must understand that your appearance was a shock. I was hurt, felt betrayed.” He squeezed her hand. “I did not understand,” he said softly. “Make me understand why you did not tell me you were alive.”

  She could take his anger, his hatred, but his calm questions, and wanting to understand, was nearly her undoing.

  ″I know how the fire started. What I would like to know is what happened after.”

  He did deserve an explanation. Had she left London and returned to learn of his death she would have been crushed, destroyed, and Alec must have suffered the same. Once she told him, then they could finally part.

  ″Tell me what happened. You owe me that.”

  ”There is not much that I recall, other than I was trapped in the fire and the next thing I knew, I was waking in the home of Doctor Sinclair. Humphrey had gotten me out.”

  ″Go on,” he encouraged when Regina paused.

  ″The next months were a haze or a blur. I had never known such pain in my life and Dr. Sinclair kept me heavily medicated while my burns healed.”

  ″I cannot begin to imagine the agony you must have endured.”

  ″When I was finally free of most of the pain and should have no longer needed laudanum, we came to realize that I had developed an addiction.”

  ″Oh, Regina.”

  Her eyes shot up to his. “Do not pity me. Anything but pity.”

  Alec nodded.

  ″I was removed to the family estate and placed in the dower house. Nobody knew I was there except Humphrey, my cousin Joseph and a few of the servants whom Humphrey believed would keep my secret. It took some time, but I did overcome my need for laudanum.”

  Alec raised an eyebrow.

  ″I know how dangerous it can be,” she insisted. “There are moments of weakness when I wish to escape the pain, but I know that I cannot,” she explained. “I will not take laudanum again, nor will I drink any form of alcohol as I fear the same thing happening.”

  ″Are you still in pain from your burns?” he asked with concern.

  ″There is some discomfort at times, but nothing that would require medicine. The pain I speak of is the one in my heart and soul. The need to escape.”

  This is what he had wanted to know, but he still didn’t have every question answered. However, he did understand why it may have taken her months to tell him that she hadn’t died. If she would have sent for him after she’d recovered, he would have forgiven the delay, given what she’d gone through. Except, she never sent for him and those were the answers he’d still not received.

  ″Why lie about being dead?” he asked.

  ″That was a decision made by Bow Street, Lord Matthias.”

  Anger shot through Alec. Lord Matthias had stood there before the house and his once friend had lied to him about her death. Unless he didn’t know. “When did Lord Matthias know that you had survived?”

  ″That night, or early morning, I cannot remember.” She shrugged. “I could also be mistaken. There is much I do not remember.”

  Alec wanted to be angry with Lord Matthias but on reflection, why wouldn’t he lie to him? Alec claimed to be an acquaintance and they had wanted everyone to believe that Regina had not survived.

  ″Why did he create a false story?”

  ″Mr. Vickery was vocal that if I had survived, he would have made me pay for the humiliation I brought on him. He never let it go. Lord Matthias and others feared that if Vickery learned I was alive, and after his boasting, I would not be safe because then he would need to prove himself as a matter of pride. He is quite arrogant, if you did not know, and has presented himself as the true victim who is due retribution.”

  Given what Lord Timothy had just told him, it was likely Vickery had been a true threat to Regina, and likely still was.

  ″I understand why you may have wished Society to believe you were dead, but why me?” That is really what he wanted to know most. If anyone could be trusted with the truth it should have been him.

  ″By the time I recovered from my burns and my addiction to the laudanum, it had already been eight months. Then I looked in the mirror, and knowing what Society was saying, I decided that it was best to stay buried, so to speak.”

  ″Even dead to me?” Her words cut him deep. If she had truly loved him, she would have sent word as soon as she was able, but she had remained silent.

  ″I’m not the same person I was then, before the fire.”

  ″Yes, you are.”

  ″Look at me!” she demanded.

  ″I am.”

  ″So often you complimented me on my beauty, the softness of my skin, my complexion. I am no longer her. I do not look like her, at least not on the right side of my body.”

  Alec pulled back as if he’d been slapped. “You think me so shallow that my love for you is based on appearance?”

  ″I saw you wince and then the look of horror when you first viewed my scars. Then your eyes filled with pity, and that was all the answer I needed.”

  Alec stepped away from her, angrier than he could ever recall being. Insulted even.

  ″That wince and horror was my reaction to the pain you must have endured and nothing to do with your appearance.”

  ″I will not be pitied.”

  ″I do not pity you,” he spat. “I pity that you suffered, but I do not pity you.”

  She really thought so little of him that she had made a decision to reject him because she was certain he would reject her on account of her scars?

  ″I never thought it possible that you could cut me to the quick or insult me so deeply.” With that, he turned and walked away, leaving Regina standing in the gardens on her own.

  Chapter 10

  Regina sank onto a bench, nauseated. She placed a hand against her stomach, fearful that she was going to toss up her accounts.

  Had she been so wrong?

  She’d done what was best. She truly had.

  She wanted to free him of all obligations to her.

  How could he want her like this? He hadn’t even seen her arm, which was worse than her face and the side of her neck.

  He’d be repelled if he could see her body, and she must remember that.

  ″Regina?” Lady Melcombe asked as she settled down beside her. “What happened? Alec stormed through the house and Lord Timothy’s library and emerged with a glass of brandy, then asked my husband when we could leave for London.”

  She knew that Lord and Lady Melcombe were to travel there, but only for a short time before they came home.

  Regina stared at Lady Melcombe, uncertain what to say.

  ″I really thought this was for the best.”

  ″Not to tell him you were alive?”

  ″I didn’t wish to burden him.”

  ″How could you be a burden?” she asked gently.

  Did none of them understand? “This does not come from a place of arrogance or conceit, I promise. But I’ve been told since I was a child that I was pretty.”

  ″When you first appeared in London, you were immediately declared a Diamond of the First Water,” Lady Melcombe said.

  ″The daughter of a viscount, wealthy, and then being named such.” She shook her head. “I hated that my worth was rolled into three simple things as if I did not matter. After a time, you start to believe it is true. Believe that your worth is your face and connections. Even Alec made comments on my beauty, but we had more. So much more. But when I looked in that mirror, what had been told to me over and over repeated in my mind.”

  ″You started to believe that you had lost what you had been defined by,” Lady Melcombe offered, and that was exactly how Regina felt. It didn’t matter the right or wrong of it or how many times she’d told herself that it didn’t matter, it always came back to what she had been in the eyes of Society, which included Alec.

  ″I do not care about the scars.” She gestured to the right side of her face. “They have nothing to do with me, who I am, but are a reminder of the most horrible night of my life. But even though I can look past them, others will not. They saw me as one thing and then Society would see me as another because of Vickery. It would be worse if they saw me now.”

  ″You thought Alec would feel the same?”

  ″Yes.” Regina dropped her chin. “No. It is unfair of me to burden him with promises made before the fire.”

  ″Shouldn’t you have given him that choice?”

  ″You do not understand. He would feel obligated. He is all that is good and honorable and because of that, he would not set me aside.” Tears lingered but Regina would not let them take over. “He does not deserve being thrust into the middle of a scandal. He deserves so much more.” She swiped a wayward tear. “Further, I do not deserve him. I do not deserve anyone,” she answered quietly.

  ″How can you say that?” Lady Melcombe begged. “Of course, you deserve him. Do you intend to deny yourself a chance at happiness?”

  Regina realized at that moment she had been punishing herself since she became aware of what had happened following the fire and reflected on what had brought it about. “If I had done as I was told…if I would have been content with my betrothal to Vickery and if I had not entered into a flirtation and more, with Alec, my father would still be alive.”

  The truth poured out of her. “It’s my fault that my father is dead.” It was the one single fact that she kept pushing away, the weight of her guilt, but she could no longer. She had shamed him. She and Alec had been seen, but even if they hadn’t, Vickery’s words that night had been the truth. “My father died defending my honor. An honor that was not deserved. It was my fault and something I must live with for the rest of my life. If I can live with it,” she said quietly.

  ″Do not speak as such,” Lady Melcombe admonished.

  ″I will not do anything foolish, but it does not change the fact that everything that happened is my fault and Alec deserves someone better than me. Someone who does not carry scars and reminders, and not just on my skin. Someone who was not responsible for her father’s death. Someone who, when he is in London, will not be gossiped about. He needs to remain untouched by this. He needs to be free to find happiness. That could never happen if he remained with me.”

  ″Wasn’t Alec equally as guilty if, as you say, he was the one meeting you?”

  Regina shook her head. “I knew better. I should have rejected him. I could have but I did not want to. He pursued me from the moment we met, and I was at first flattered, and then I fell in love. It tore me up when my father betrothed me to Vickery. I loathed Vickery, but by then, I was also already in love with Alec and caught between my duty and my love.” She gave a shuddering sigh. “Alec deserves someone beautiful, someone kind, and someone who would not betray her family.”

  Pain, anguish, and guilt poured to the surface and came out in a sob and once that volcano exploded, Regina couldn’t stop crying. She’d thought she had cried all the tears that she had left last night, but there was a flood of them today and she couldn’t seem to make them stop. Lady Melcombe must think her unstable or overly sensitive, or…did it really matter?

  ″I do not think I can stay here,” Regina finally admitted as she gained control of her emotions. “I cannot be a governess in your home because I will see Alec, which is too difficult. I need to put the past behind me.”

  ″Do you really?” she asked kindly.

  ″Yes, for he certainly hates me now.”

  ″He is only angry, and I do not think he could hate you.”

  ″I insulted him. What feelings he may have had I am certain have been destroyed these past few days.”

  ″Very well, if you wish to leave, at least wait until you know where you are going and what you wish to do, or where you want to live.”

  Regina couldn’t just run away from her problems. She’d been hiding and running since the fire, and it needed to stop. She wanted to be settled and start over where nobody knew her past. “I will remain until I find a new home.”

  Except, she doubted that she’d ever feel at home anywhere. Hers was gone, but she could hope.

  Alec remained in the shadows and listened. After he’d sipped the brandy, not enough to make him drunk, but his anger had cooled, he went to seek out Regina.

  Why was he so volatile when it came to her? It had never been this way before. But she’d not hurt him until now.

  He had intended to find her and simply tell her goodbye as he wasn’t going to keep setting himself up for rejection and pain. That was why he’d asked Melcombe when they were traveling to London. He needed to find a wife who didn’t have the ability to hurt him and in time he’d forget about Regina.

  Or, so he thought until he heard her words to Althea.

  Yes, Regina had been the most beautiful woman in London. Even he had commented on it several times. But now, hearing it from her perspective, and how her worth was valued, he began to understand. It still angered him because he thought she knew him better than that, but ladies were raised differently.

  But the knife to his heart was her guilt and the pain in her voice in believing that everything was her fault. He carried the same guilt, but hers ran deeper. It had been her father who died.