She was gone only for a few moments before she returned. He turned from the wall, looking at the few pictures she had on the wall, and took the cup. She looked at him with this strange expression on her face, and when their fingers brushed his gut tightened. It was like everything froze for just a second as he took in the sight of her pink of her lips. He was transfixed by the light sprinkling of freckles along the bridge of her nose, of the green in her hazel eyes, the way the brown was like bursts of color around her pupils. For just a second he could envision letting the cup drop to the ground, pulling her close, and claiming her mouth. She’d be his, wouldn’t struggle, and wouldn’t say this was wrong.

  But those precious few seconds that all of this passed through his mind had him even more reserved.

  She turned and walked over to the couch, sat down, and for a moment but didn’t say anything, just looked into her coffee cup.

  “Is everything okay, Gillian?” he asked, his voice deep, scratchy with the strength he was using to keep himself under control, to appear “normal”. He moved to the chair across from the couch, took a drink from the cup, and tasted the bourbon she’d slipped in there. The kick was strong, and did the trick. She lifted her head, the emotion clear on her face. David didn’t push her though. He wanted her to be comfortable in telling him whatever was on her mind.

  “Can I ask you something?” she asked, and he nodded.

  “You can ask me anything.” He took another drink of the coffee, because he knew he’d need it for whatever was about to come.

  “Why haven’t you been with anyone since you left my mother?”

  Fuck.

  He hadn’t thought she’d ask that, and it took him a second to mull it over. The truth was before the situation with Brian fucking with Gillian, he’d been with women sexually. He’d cared for Gillian, of course, but until his obsession got too out of control he’d tried to focus on other things, knowing she wasn’t someone he could be with. But then when things had gone down with Brian, that fucking dark switch clicked in him and Gillian had been the only thing he could focus on.

  She’d been it for him, and he hadn’t even thought about any other women for the last seven years. But he sure as fuck wasn’t going to admit that.

  “I just haven’t found anyone.” He could hear how deep his voice was, tried to keep his expression stoic, but he wondered where this was going.

  If she tells me she is seeing someone I might fucking lose it.

  Chapter Six

  Why is this so damn hard?

  As she stared at David, trying to muster up the courage to just tell him how she felt, the words lodged in her throat.

  I love you. I’m in love with you. I’m too afraid of losing you to tell you the truth.

  But his expression was stoic, no emotion showing on his face. He was like a fallen angel, his dark hair short, swept away from his forehead, his eyes light amber in color, and hauntingly beautiful. He could have been the very devil himself and she wouldn’t have cared. She would have loved him just as much, just the same.

  Wake up. The world doesn’t always work the way you want it to. He used to be your stepfather, and now he’s just a friend. He feels an obligation to look after you after what you went through, after the past we share.

  Those words played through her head and broke her heart all in the same breath.

  Just push the feelings down. Move on from what you really want in order to keep David in your life.

  His answer to her question hadn’t been very in depth, but then again David didn’t overly share. He never had. David leaned forward, placed his forearms on his thighs, and stared at her right in the eyes. She’d seen this “look” from him before. He was worried about her, and she couldn’t exactly blame him since she was being vague.

  “Did someone hurt you?”

  She shook her head right away. “No, no.”

  “Someone bothering you? You know you can tell me, Gillian.”

  She smoothed her palms over her thighs. “I know, but everything is fine.”

  He looked like he didn’t believe her, so she quickly just brought up what she wanted to ask him. “I don’t have any real friends to talk to about anything, you know that.”

  He nodded. “I’m always here for you.”

  She smiled, but she was so damn nervous. “I want to start dating, but I feel like it’s not ‘right’, if that makes any sense.”

  He didn’t speak, didn’t even move for a long time. David finally leaned back in the chair, his legs parted slightly, his hands in tight fists on his thighs. She looked down at his hands, saw how tightly his hands were clenched, his knuckles white. Looking up at his face, she saw his jaw was clenched, his eyes appearing hard.

  His demeanor took her off guard, because he looked … upset.

  “Do you have someone in mind you’d want to start seeing?”

  She shook her head. “No, not really. I mean I had an offer, but it just doesn’t feel right, but not in a bad way, if that makes sense.”

  It doesn’t make sense, because he has no clue what in the hell you’re going on about.

  “If it doesn’t feel right then it’s not right, Gillian.” His jaw was still clenched tight, his focus right on her.

  She glanced down at her feet, not knowing how to even go on with this conversation. It felt weird, and despite the fact she was close to David, speaking about dating, and other guys, was strange given the fact she was in love with him.

  “Don’t you think it’s weird that I’m in my twenties and not in a relationship? That I haven’t been in one?”

  “No,” he said instantly.

  She was twisting her hands together, her heart beating so fast. “Maybe I’m defective in that sense—”

  “There’s nothing wrong with you, Gillian, you understand?”

  She nodded. But there is something wrong with me. I’m in love with you, David, but too much of a coward.

  “Are you having issues with what happened?” David’s voice grew hard.

  She shook her head. “No, not really. That’s not why I haven’t been with anyone.”

  He didn’t move, didn’t respond.

  “I think I just need to jump into something, just push how I feel away. I’m getting too old to just be alone, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.”

  David didn’t speak, and if possible she saw his body grow even tauter.

  “I should probably let you get to bed. It’s late.” David stood before she could say anything. Gillian stood and followed him to the front door. He stood there for a second, his body so big, so tall. He was nearing six and a half feet tall, and compared to her five-foot-six frame, which wasn’t that short, he towered over her. The shirt he wore didn’t hide how muscular he was. And his arms, God, his arms were so big, so hard and strong. Everything in her warmed, heated at the sight.

  “Are you sure you want to leave?”

  Did I just say that? He’s uncomfortable with the conversation, clearly.

  “Yeah, I have some things to take care of.” He didn’t look at her, and then he opened the door and left. She stood there for a second, not sure what had happened, but knowing that her instincts had been right. David didn’t reciprocate her feelings. At least she found out without making herself look like a fool and baring herself.

  ****

  Controlling himself until he was sure Gillian couldn’t see him was hard as fuck. David didn’t know exactly what she’d wanted to talk about, but relationships sure as shit hadn’t been it. He’d been driving for the last twenty minutes, and decided going into the city was what he needed to do.

  She wanted to date, and he couldn’t blame her.

  Maybe I should have fucking told her what I wanted, that her seeing anyone else would make me homicidal.

  And he would be in a blind, murderous rage if he saw her with another man, if he saw some motherfucker touching her, kissing her.

  He tightened his hands on the steering wheel so hard the leather cracked slightly. When he finally got into the city he went as deep as he could, going to the scuzzy, dangerous part. He needed the violence to get this rage out of him.

  David pulled the car into a darkened alley, cut the engine, and sat there for a second. He didn’t care where he found some violence, just as long as he could get this dark energy out of him, at least for the time being. Thinking about Gillian with another man infuriated him, and despite the fact he tried to play it cool in front of her, he knew she could see the changes in him. But what she didn’t know was why those changes occurred, why he acted the way he had.

  Reaching over to this glove box, he pulled out the set of brass knuckles. They were scuffed, old, worn. They had been used really fucking well, and tonight would be no different. Tonight they would be covered in blood.

  Grabbing his baseball cap and his jacket from the back of the vehicle, he got out, put the cap on, and slipped the black jacket on, zipping it up. He pulled the brim of the hat down low on his head. David had the brass knuckles on his hand and curled his fingers toward his palm, feeling the cold, hard metal heat from his skin.

  This part of the city was shit, where the scum of the state came, mingled, and became this cesspool of life. This part of the city was where he’d get the violence he needed, and it wouldn’t take much at all.

  He left the alley, knowing full well his vehicle might be in bad shape when he got back to it, but for what he needed to do tonight he didn’t give a shit. There was a decent amount of activity on the streets because it was the weekend, and each guy he passed looked like they’d been scraped off the bottom of the barrel. David’s blood was pumping, adrenaline was rushing through his veins, and he was getting antsy for some action. He kept his hand with the brass knuckles in his pocket, and focused on his surroundings.

  “Wanna buy some sugar?” a guy said from an alley David was about to pass.

  He stopped, looked at the motherfucker, and eyed him up and down. He was on the smaller side, and just him wouldn’t make much of a fight, but David doubted he was alone.

  There was commotion across the street at the hole-in-the-wall strip club, a fight having broken out. But David kept his focus on the guy selling drugs.

  “Come on, man. You want some sugar or what?” The drug dealer became agitated, his eyes darting back and forth.

  David squeezed his hand into a fist tighter, the metal digging into his flesh.

  The other man took a step back, deeper into the alley so he was now partially covered in shadows.

  “If you want something I got it.” He moved another step into the shadows, and David followed. He was on alert, prepared, though. He didn’t do drugs, but looking at this piece of shit’s eyes, a man that most likely dealt to anyone, regardless of age, told David he wouldn’t mind throwing down.

  The sound of another guy coming closer had David glancing over his shoulder. The man most likely had been hiding behind the dumpster. These guys weren’t just drug dealers. They jumped people and took what they had when the deals were going down.

  “Whatchu want?”

  David looked at the first guy again.

  “I don’t think this prick wants anything but trouble,” the second guy said.

  At least they were smart enough to realize that. David rolled his head around his neck, felt his blood rush faster as his heart pumped harder. He was ready, needed this violence, needed to feel his fist slamming into a fucker’s face.

  “Or maybe this asshole’s a cop?” the first guy that had been offering drugs said.

  David said and took a step closer.

  They guy turned his head and spit. “Nah, I think he’s just a crazy motherfucker who wants his ass beat.” The shadows covered the first guy’s face partially, but David didn’t need to see much to deliver the violence.

  “Don’t fuck with me.” The second guy came around, keeping close to David and standing on his other side. They were trying to intimidate him, but what these bastards didn’t know was David got off on this.

  The first guy reached in his pocket to pull out a knife. He opened it, pointing it toward David. Then the second guy rushed him and slammed his body into David’s, which pushed him against the brick wall, and then proceeded to try to stab him with the knife he’d had pressed to his outer thigh.

  “You fucked with the wrong assholes,” the second guy said.

  “Mess him up,” his buddy muttered.

  David looked right into the eyes of the guy pinning him up against the wall. He was allowing this, but now it was time to get this party really started. He grinned, feeling that darkness creep up and totally take control. He took his hand from his pocket, reached up with his other hand, and grabbed the fucker’s neck. He lifted him easily off the ground, reared his hand back that had the brass knuckles, and looked right into the prick’s eyes.

  He slammed his fist into the guy’s face over and over again, the brass tearing flesh, ripping open the prick’s face. The scent of blood filled David’s nose, but it just made him need this more. He continued to slam his fist into the fucker’s cheek and temple until he resembled a piece of beaten, raw meat.

  “You motherfucker.”

  David tossed the guy aside and turned to look at the first man. He didn’t speak, didn’t even blink as he watched the dealer start swinging the knife around sloppily. This would be over far too soon. He dodged the knife, slammed his fist into the guy’s kidneys when he spun, and after that took a step back. The man turned around, his face a mask of rage as he looked down at his friend, who was lying on the ground unconscious. David could have gone further, could have kept going until there was no pulse, but he’d gotten what he needed from the bastard.

  They stood there facing each other for several seconds, and then the guy charged forward again. They crashed back into the opposite wall, but before David let him gain any kind of supremacy he spun them around so the man was the one pressed to the wall.

  The asshole clawed at David’s hands, and even if David weren’t bigger than he was, this fucker still wouldn’t have stood a chance. David was too amped up and needed this fight too damn badly to let anyone, despite size, overpower him. He squeezed the dealer’s throat tighter as his mind drifted to Gillian, to the image of her with another man. His resolve snapped, and all civility left him.

  He slammed his fist into the dealer’s temple, David’s gaze fuzzy as his rage took over. He hit the fucker over and over again.

  “Please, stop. No more,” the man wheezed out, but it fell on deaf ears.

  David stared right into the bloodied, pulverized face of the dealer, and brought the brass to the side of his head for one final blow, finally allowing the man to drop to the ground. Blood covered David’s hands and chest, even on his cheek and neck. The groans that came up filled David’s ears, but he wasn’t focused on the need to unleash it anymore. He moved out of the alley, not giving a shit he was covered in blood.

  The few people he passed moved to the side, but they didn’t seem overly surprised at the sight of him. No doubt they’d seen a lot worse in this part of the city. Once he got back to his car he stood by the driver’s side door and looked down at his hands. They were covered in blood, thick chunks of flesh along the brass. He removed the metal, and took off his jacket, tossing them onto the backseat.

  Once back in the car he sat there again for several seconds, still feeling his heart beating fast, but the adrenaline and need for violence dimming. Going home, washing the blood and gore from him, and crashing sounded pretty fucking good right now. But he knew he’d have Gillian on his mind. She was always on his mind.

  Chapter Seven

  “I’m so glad you changed your mind on that drink,” Gerald said from across the table. The restaurant they’d met at was on the high-end side, but to her surprise when she’d walked in, the place was empty.

  Gerald had paid for them to have the entire place to themselves, and to say it was a bit awkward was an understatement.

  Yes, she’d agreed to have a drink after thinking about where her life was going. She couldn’t pine for a man that she could never have, and although she didn’t feel anything for Gerald, getting out and being social, at least, was a step in the right direction.

  But is it? Why am I a coward? Why can’t I just tell David what I want, how I feel for him?

  She supposed thinking those things was easier said than done. Fear had a way of holding onto someone, of making the simplest acts seem like a giant leap off a cliff.

  “I’d like to spend more time with you, maybe tonight, back at my place?”

  Gerald’s words took her back a bit, drew her out of her thoughts, and she knew she probably had her mouth hanging open a bit.

  “Excuse me?” She blinked a few times, her voice soft, not sure if what he was saying was actually what she thought he meant.

  He leaned forward, the smile on his face anxious and filled with intent. “I just mean I’d love to keep the night going. We can have drinks back at my place, if you like?”

  She was shaking her head before he even finished speaking. “I’m sure it would be lovely, but it’s getting late, Gerald.” He kept smiling, but Gillian could see it was more forced than it had been initially. “I’m sorry. It’s just I have so much still to do at home.”

  He nodded, that damn smile still on his face. “No worries. We can plan for another time.”

  She smiled, nodding, but being polite. She didn’t want to seem rude because her thoughts were elsewhere. Hell, Gerald might not have even been pushing toward what she thought he was. Maybe it had only been about drinks back at his place?

  Or maybe he’d wanted a lot more than that?

  Gillian supposed it didn’t matter since she wasn’t going home with him to test out the theory.

  “I’ll walk you to your car,” he said, stood, and walked over to her to pull her chair out. Gerald had been polite tonight, hadn’t really pushed anything aside from friendly conversation, and she felt a little like a bitch.