She found a microbrewery with a great-looking menu and went inside, taking a vacant seat at the bar where she ordered an amber ale and a vegetable curry. She wished Tess was here with her, even just as a friend. Britt felt a sharp pang of loneliness that had nothing to do with eating alone, which she never minded, and everything to do with being out of contact with Tess.

  For now, though, Britt had to go solo, and even though she had chosen to come to Olympia because Tess lived here, she suddenly felt she had come to the right place at the right time for herself, too. She had thought La Push was the perfect place where she could make decisions, but now she saw it in a new way. There, human beings and all the trappings of their social lives were secondary to nature. The starkness of the coast and the unimpeded openness of sky, ocean, and forest had shot her with a much-needed antidote to her past, leaving her with a cleaner palette of ocean grays, spruce greens, and primal reds, whites, and blacks. If she had come straight to Olympia from Seattle, the bright colors would have blended, and she would have traded one city for another, possibly making small, barely discernible changes in her lifestyle rather than the drastic shift she really needed.

  She shook her head. Enough drama and philosophy for today. She missed Tess. If she was here, they’d take a break from these serious thoughts and shift to joking and laughter. But Tess wasn’t here, so Britt would have to have fun in her own weird way, by making more lists. She got out the new pen and notepad she had bought on her way here from the courthouse and wrote a heading at the top of a fresh page: Law School: Pros and Cons. Tess straddled both columns, with a question mark by her name. Britt thought for a moment, and then wrote her first pro.

  Would learn the skills needed to sue Alec for slander.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Tess got to the marine center before Jake and Melissa arrived, and she hauled several boxes of supplies into the hallway. She had been working nonstop for two weeks, ever since Britt left, and she still wasn’t able to keep from thinking about her. If she let herself pause, though, she was overwhelmed with sadness. This must be how the women she had dated in the past felt when their affairs were over and Tess was gone.

  She laughed, glad she at least had a smidgen of humor left inside. Her lovers had always seemed as unmoved by the inevitable ends of their relationships as she had been, and Tess had liked it that way. She’d planned it that way, being careful never to get involved with someone who might want more. She had recognized her growing disinterest in the whole game for a while now, but she hadn’t considered the reasons why she often would rather spend an evening with friends or working late in her lab or reading and writing in the peace of her own home. She’d blame research for an article, or plans with Cara and Lenae, for her slackening social life, while ignoring the melancholy she sometimes felt when she was alone in her apartment or when she was out with her friends and saw how much pleasure the small intimacies they shared gave them.

  And ignoring the loneliness she felt when she was out with a woman who wanted nothing more from her than a few shared hours.

  Tess got two folding chairs out of her trunk, slammed the lid shut, and carried them into the Center. She had briefly considered puppy walking for a year but had been careful not to mention it to Lenae because she was relentless when she smelled fresh volunteer blood. Looking back now, she wondered if she had subconsciously been wanting to use the puppy as an excuse to slow her dating even more, giving her a way to get out of the game without having to face the real reason she was getting so little enjoyment out of it. Then Britt had come into her life, and Tess hadn’t been able to remain in denial any longer. She wanted the more she had always been so careful to avoid. She wanted love, companionship, routine, and expectations. She wanted to share those things with Britt, a woman who would never become boring to her.

  But Britt was gone. Maybe Tess would ask Lenae for a puppy to help ease her loneliness, although the Cupcake experience had left her a little wary. She had been working like a demon at the Center, as she organized seminars with other Evergreen faculty members via the internet, and at her parents’ house. She had even gotten her mom into the garden again, where they had finished all the winterizing chores of pruning, deadheading, and mulching. She had done most of the work while her mom had given directions—sometimes delivered in a shriek, like when Tess had been about to pull up her mother’s favorite rosebush because it looked dead.

  Tess pushed and shoved until all the boxes were in the empty storage closet at the far end of the hall. She had cleaned it out last week, removing the mess of old brooms, mops, and questionable, expired cleaning fluids that no one used anyway. Most of the equipment was beyond repair, and she had thrown it out. The few items she had kept were shoved in a corner in the break room. She started unpacking the stuff she had brought and transforming the room into something new.

  She heard Melissa and Jake arguing over some television show as they came through the door, and she went out to meet them.

  “Hey, you two. I have something for you. We’ll be having more traffic here for a few months, and I know you’ve been a little concerned about it.”

  A little concerned was her polite way of saying having routine panic attacks.

  She handed each of them a key and gestured for them to follow her to the storage room.

  “Do we have to clean some more?” Melissa asked in an exasperated tone.

  “No,” Tess said with a laugh. She opened the door and showed them what was inside. “There are only two keys, so no one else can come in here. Whenever you feel the need to get away and have some privacy, you can use this room. You won’t need to hide behind the rain slickers or under your desks.”

  Melissa walked to the center of the room and slowly turned around. It was almost small enough for her to touch both walls at the same time, but Tess had managed to fit two chairs and a folding table inside. She had been rather indiscriminate in her science fiction choices for the decor—partially because she had bought what she could find in Forks, and also because she wasn’t well-versed in the genre. Star Trek and Star Wars posters vied for space on the walls, and she had found two Battlestar Galactica puzzles, one from the original series and the other from the more recent shows. A stack of books—anything she could find with an alien or a spaceship on the cover—filled a child-sized bookcase. She had thought of Britt the entire time she was shopping and decorating the space—Britt would have loved the experience, and she would have known exactly what to get. Melissa and Jake seemed pleased enough with the result, though.

  “This is great. Thank you, Tess.” Melissa gave her a hug, and Jake waved at her from the far corner of the room.

  “It’s perfect,” he said, examining a model of the TV version of the Delta Flyer that she had placed on top of the bookshelf. It was Tess’s favorite part of the room.

  “Just promise me you won’t spend all your time back here, and no bringing work with you, or you’ll never leave. Work at your desks, even if there are students around, and come back here only when you need a break.” They nodded in agreement, but she had a feeling she was going to have to repeat those instructions hundreds of times over the next semester. She herded them out and used Melissa’s key to lock the door behind her. “Jake, can you find out if any of the offshores have been seen today? Melissa and I can get the boat ready.”

  Tess jumped from one activity to the next, unable to stand the gaps in between. Kelly and Justin were coming out on the boat today, and she was hopeful that her sister’s usual abrasiveness would make her irritated enough to forget about being sad.

  She made another trip to her car to get a cooler full of snacks and water. She put the Justin-sized life vest she had bought on top and carried it around the Center and to the dock. Melissa was already on board, checking the microphones and stowing extra sets of headphones in the metal trunk. Tess secured the cooler and went to do an engine check. She paused by the bench where Britt had sat when she had visited the Center, and then continued on with a sigh. Was she doomed to spend the rest of her life thinking I wish Britt were here? It was going to get old real fast.

  When they were ready to go, she jumped back onto the dock and saw Kelly and Justin standing at the edge of the boulders and watching the sea otter diving and resurfacing in a hunt for food.

  “I see you’ve met Scrabble, our center’s mascot,” she said, fighting to keep her balance when Justin ran at her and grabbed her around the knees in a hug.

  “Careful, Justin, don’t knock Aunt Tess into the ocean,” Kelly said, and Tess could hear the exhaustion in her voice. “He’s been very excited about this boat ride all morning.”

  Kelly put a hand on her lower back, arching in a stretch, and Tess was surprised to see how much more pronounced her belly was than when Tess had first arrived. She realized she would be here for the birth this time. She’d sit in the hospital waiting room with her parents, and then hold a newborn niece or nephew. Strange. She wasn’t sure how she felt about all this family bonding crap, but the thought of seeing the baby was one thoroughly positive aspect of it. As was Justin.

  She knelt down and helped him put on the life vest, tightening straps and checking the fit before she turned him loose again.

  “I’ll watch him while we’re on the boat, so you can relax and enjoy the water today.” Tess waited until Justin had walked over to the retaining wall and out of earshot before she asked her next question. “Did you have a chance to call Lenae?”

  “Yes. She’s got a good prospect in mind, so Josh and I will take Justin to visit her when he’s home from sea in January. If they get along well, we’ll adopt the dog, but I don’t want to tell Justin what’s going on until we’re sure they’ll be a good fit.”

  Kelly perched on the wall a few yards from her son and continued, “I agree with your friend about a dog being a good companion for Justin, and a playmate so he won’t feel lonely while the baby needs more of my attention. I’m kind of ashamed to admit it, but I’m excited to have a dog in the house for selfish reasons, too. I’ve always wanted one.”

  “I remember,” Tess said. She sat on the wall next to her, keeping an eye on Justin to make sure he didn’t leap into the water after the otter.

  “It was a lonely way to grow up,” Kelly said. “I used to feel like we were part of an experiment. Someone took four people who hardly had anything in common and put us in a house together, told us we were a family. I wouldn’t have been surprised to learn that all our mirrors were two-way ones, and a group of sociologists was behind them, observing us as we tried to interact and failed. I don’t ever want him to feel like that.”

  Who was this woman? Civil, understanding, sharing her emotions. Kelly must be even more exhausted than Tess had realized, or she had become a pod person with an alien inside that was controlling her voice. Tess decided she had spent far too much time reading the back covers of those sci-fi books.

  “He never will, Kelly. I think a service dog will be wonderful for him, but he doesn’t need one to make him feel loved or part of a family.”

  “I’d like to think you’re right, and that the dog will be happy to be with us, too.”

  “Of course it will.” She hesitated, wondering whether she should change the subject to one that was more comfortable and less personal, or if she should broach the topic she had on her mind. What the hell. She might as well give it a shot. “You know, I always thought you were fine at home. You didn’t fight with Mom and Dad like I did, and you never left.”

  “You fought them enough for the both of us, so it was hard for me to get a word in edgewise,” Kelly said, but she smiled and poked Tess in the arm. “You handled the situation by getting more belligerent, while I handled it by withdrawing. I read a lot of fantasy books and I spent as many nights as I could with my friend Ann. You and I needed stimulation and vibrancy in our childhoods, but our home life was barren. Stable and secure, but barren. I think we could have helped each other through it better if we had stayed close, but we didn’t.”

  Tess thought back to the imaginative games they used to play and the elaborate stories they invented. “Why did we stop playing together?”

  “I don’t know,” Kelly said. “But I’m sure it was your fault.”

  “Hey. Was not.” Tess tossed a pebble at her, and Kelly batted it away. “Well, it probably was. I wasn’t easy to be around sometimes.”

  “No, you weren’t. But you’re getting better. Sort of.”

  Tess smiled and watched Justin carefully line up his dinosaurs on the surface of the wall. Kelly was filling her house with music and games, and now with a playful dog. Justin was going to be fine.

  She turned back and saw Kelly looking at her with an expression she couldn’t read. “What?” she asked.

  “I was just thinking about how we both have tried not to become our parents in sort of the same way. You know, the way you sleep around—”

  “You cheat on Josh?” Tess asked, shocked.

  “No, you idiot,” she said with a scowl, but then her expression softened. “But I did pick a man who is away a lot of the time. This lifestyle sets up a certain cycle that made me comfortable, I guess. Long periods when I have my space and don’t have to worry about intimacy issues. And when he does come home, it’s kind of like a honeymoon all over again, so our relationship stays exciting and not boring.”

  Ugh. Way too much sharing. “First, gross. And second, I don’t sleep around.”

  “When I called about Dad, you had a woman in your apartment, didn’t you? You were whispering on the phone. But not long after, you showed up here with no girlfriend and with no mention of one.”

  “Oh, yeah. Lydia. She doesn’t help my case much.”

  Kelly smirked. “I knew I was right. But now there’s Britt. Your feelings for her must be scaring the shit out of you.”

  “My feelings for her don’t matter anymore. She’s gone,” Tess said, surprised at the harshness of her tone. Kelly was picking away at the truth, and Tess hated to admit how accurate she was. She sighed. “Yes, I was scared. But not enough to stop falling in love with her.”

  Kelly patted her on the knee, looking as uncomfortable with the gesture as Tess felt. They needed to go back to mock punches and jabs.

  “Give her time. You’re a strong person, Tess. Obstinate, successful, sure in your convictions. It would be easy for someone to be overshadowed in a relationship with you. I have a feeling that once she chooses a path to take, she’ll be the one overshadowing you. It’ll be good for you to be challenged.”

  “Gee, thanks, sis. So how did you become so wise?” She injected the words with more sarcasm than she actually felt.

  “I’m the older sister,” Kelly said with a shrug, then she grinned. “Plus, I’m in therapy. It helps. I think I’m ready to have Josh home full-time. To have a more normal marriage instead of a part-time one. One or both of us could find a job around here, or maybe move if we need to.”

  Tess liked the idea of the two of them being together, especially with a second child on the way. “Do you think Josh would like the idea?”

  Kelly laughed. “I know he would. He seems to understand how I feel, and he’s waiting for me to be the one to bring it up. Maybe you and I are both ready to stop being defined by our parents.”

  Maybe, Tess thought. But it would be up to Britt, because Tess couldn’t imagine wanting anyone else the same way. Britt made love seem worthwhile. Tess was rescued from the need to tell Kelly this when she looked up and saw Jake running out of the Center, waving his arms frantically to get her attention.

  “Orcas,” she said. She scooped up Justin, and Kelly grabbed the dinosaurs, and they ran toward the boat.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Britt walked into the marine center, stepping carefully as if she might encounter land mines. She wasn’t sure how Tess was going to react to her being here, if she would be angry with her for leaving, or happy to see her again. Maybe Tess would give her the silent treatment since Britt hadn’t been in contact with her for almost a month. The worst-case scenario in her mind had her encountering a neutral Tess who had already moved on and was going on a date tonight, maybe with Karla from the La Push diner. She had asked Britt about Tess’s situation—really, who said things like that?—after they had met there for the grant interview and had said Tess was fiery. Jeez. Britt had never mentioned it to Tess, but she knew how fast gossip traveled in this place.

  She was relieved when that particular train of thought was interrupted by Melissa, who was coming out of the break room with a big bowl of popcorn.

  “Hi, Britt. Are you looking for Tess? She’s out there.” Melissa waved in the general direction of the ocean, which wasn’t particularly helpful, and then disappeared into a storage room.

  Huh. Britt walked through the deserted lab and went out the back door of the marine center. She scanned the shoreline in both directions, but no one was in sight. She went to the boathouse next and tried to peer through the windows, but they were too densely covered with mineral deposits from the sea air for her to see much. The door was unlocked, so she went inside.

  “Tess?” she called, but no one answered. She checked in the closet and under the tables, just in case Tess had seen her coming and was hiding, hopefully not with Karla. No luck. The boats were the only other option, so she went aboard the trawler.

  She didn’t see anyone at first, but on her second pass by the wheelhouse she saw two feet and a very nice jeans-clad ass poking out of a large storage cubby.

  “Tess?” she asked. Eventually. She was glad no one was around to notice how long she stood there and stared before speaking.