Scott’s lips parted. “What?”

  “You’ve spent your whole life being told to hate gay people. You never had a chance to love yourself as a gay man.” I touched his face. “So is it really you that you hate? Or the person your family conditioned you to hate?”

  His eyes lost focus, but then he sighed and shook his head. “At the end of the day, the result was the same. I felt like shit for who and what I was, and for who I wanted. And yeah, I hated myself. Sometimes I still do.”

  “You do?”

  Scott nodded. “That’s not an easy thing to shake off. Plus I’ve done some really shitty things to people because of it.”

  “Like what?”

  He chewed his lip, staring at the ceiling. “I told you about my first time. And I’ve just been a dick to gay guys ever since. And…” He closed his eyes and released a long breath. “Well, like I said, to put it bluntly, you’re probably the only guy at Emerald City who’s been with me and not thought I was a complete asshole.” He scrubbed his hand over his face. “I was never interested in whether sex with me was doing anything for them. I genuinely couldn’t tell you if any of them ever got off, because I was too far up in my own head to notice or care. I was always punishing myself for wanting to be with a man, especially after I’d been to see my parents, and I ended up punishing them too. The guys I was with, I mean.” He met my gaze, his eyes full of genuine regret. “Sometimes I still hate myself, but I hated being that guy even more.”

  I touched his face and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “Well, you’ve come a long way from being that guy.” I carded my fingers through his hair. “And even at your worst, I don’t imagine you were, like, really terrible to the other Gentlemen. You know, like pushing too hard or—”

  “God, no.” Scott shuddered. “But still, I was a jerk to them.” He took my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist. “I want to believe I’m not him anymore. I don’t want to treat guys like shit, and I don’t want to hide in the closet.”

  “I know.” I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close. “It probably doesn’t feel like it to you, but I think you’ve made damn good progress.”

  He raised his eyebrows in an expression of unspoken skepticism.

  “I mean, you’re here, aren’t you?” I grinned at him. “You left your parents’ house yesterday, and you’re in bed with me tonight. You told me even before you left that you wanted this. I’m sure there’s still plenty of struggling going on in your head, but…” I stroked his hair. “You’re here.”

  He closed his eyes and pressed against my hand. “Why does it feel like I’m making such slow progress, though?”

  “It’s only been a couple of months, hasn’t it? Since you decided to turn over a new leaf?”

  Scott nodded.

  “Okay, and you’ve probably had a good fifteen, twenty years of fighting against it.” I lifted my head and kissed him lightly. “It took you years to get there. It’s going to take time to course correct. Go easy on yourself.”

  Sometimes things like that frustrated people because, let’s be real, everyone wanted to change overnight. Slow processes were excruciating.

  But Scott…

  He just buried his face against my neck and exhaled, and as I held him against me, his muscles slowly relaxed. It was like all this time, he’d just needed someone to give him permission to evolve instead of demanding instant perfection.

  “You know,” I whispered, “if you want to spend some time around a family that doesn’t browbeat people with their political bullshit…”

  Scott lifted his head and met my gaze.

  I touched his face. “Leo—my ex’s husband—has an old neighbor who’s having a birthday party for his wife this weekend. They’re doing a barbecue, and they always have a ton of people over.” Caressing his cheekbone with my thumb, I softly added, “You’re welcome to come with me.”

  “Really? They don’t even know me.”

  “Pfft. I don’t think his neighbor knows half the people who show up at these things. He says his kids make friends, and those friend become family, plus they all tend to bring their partners and friends, so…” I shrugged. “I mean, you don’t have to. If it’s weird, with what we’re doing and all… But you might have a good time. Probably a more relaxed one than you did with your family.” Shit. Had I overstepped? Was that too much?

  To my surprise, though, Scott smiled faintly, and he nodded. “It sounds like fun. I could definitely go for something low-key.”

  “Okay, great.” I paused. “Uh, my ex and her husband know about us, by the way. No one else there will, and the two of them know to be discreet, but… they know. So if that’s not cool…”

  “It’s fine. If you trust them to be discreet, then I will too. Is it Saturday or Sunday? Because I’m golfing with some of the guys on Saturday morning.”

  “Sunday.”

  “Perfect.” He settled on my shoulder again and sighed as some more tension left his muscles. “Sounds like fun.”

  I kissed his temple and just held him there, stroking his hair and letting him breathe. God, it just killed me how much his parents took out of him. People were supposed to support their kids, not leave them feeling like trash.

  Do you people have any idea how much you’ve hurt your son?

  Or would you even care?

  Chapter 21

  Scott

  I wasn’t gonna lie—I was dubious about showing up at a barbecue with Hunter.

  Especially since this “family barbecue,” was hosted by friends of his ex-wife’s new husband. And like, I knew the three of them lived together, but they really wanted me—under the pretense of being a friend of Hunter’s—to come to a familyish thing with them?

  “Are you sure about this?” I glanced over at him from the driver’s seat. “Your ex’s… husband’s…”

  “It’s fine. Trust me.” He flashed me a smile. “I brought my last girlfriend to one a couple of years ago.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Mmhmm. It’s… I mean, they were kind of a blended family anyway, and like half the people who come to these things are queer, so…” He shrugged. “Leo showing up with his wife, her ex-husband, and his friend isn’t really out of the ordinary for this crowd.”

  “Oh. And you think they’ll believe us? That we’re just friends?” I felt weird about that—it seemed like a lie. But I was afraid of showing up somewhere as a couple—which we also technically weren’t—and having a picture wind up on social media.

  “I bring friends to these things all the time.” He laughed. “Honestly, they didn’t even realize Lydia was my girlfriend until like two hours into the party when she came over and sat in my lap.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. We weren’t being all that obvious, and people just don’t care most of the time.” He put a hand on my leg. “Relax. There are some hockey fans, so someone will probably recognize you, but no one’s going to make any assumptions about us unless we start making out or blowing each other or something.”

  I laughed. “In the middle of a barbecue?”

  “Exactly.” He patted my leg before withdrawing his hand. “Don’t worry about it.”

  Oh, I was going to worry, but that was just the way I was. Rational or not, I was absolutely sure someone was going to take one look at us and know we were sleeping together. Breakers Forward Scott Deacon is Gay would be all over every gossip site by tomorrow morning.

  Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. I was intrigued by the thought of an event like this where everyone was chill and no one was obsessing about the gays ruining everything in the whole world, but couldn’t I just take Hunter at his word instead of seeing it for myself? What the fuck was I doing?

  Pulling into the driveway, that was what, because we were here.

  I exhaled as I followed a long driveway up to a split-level house set back against the woods. There were a lot of cars parked along either side of the drive, too, so after I’d slid in behind a Ford Taurus with a Bernie Sanders sticker, we got out to walk the rest of the way. After we’d taken our contributions to the barbecue from the trunk—a case of Coke and a few gigantic bags of Doritos—we headed up on foot.

  “You good to walk that far?” Hunter nodded toward the knee brace I was wearing.

  “I was going to ask you the same thing.”

  “Hmm.” His lips quirked. “Well, I’m pretty sure they have a wheelbarrow, so someone will get us back to the car.”

  I just laughed and shook my head.

  “Hunter!” a woman’s voice called from behind us.

  We turned, and a man and a woman were coming up the drive. They were each carrying bowls of what looked like potato salad or something.

  “Oh hey,” Hunter said. As they approached, he added, “Scott, this is Rachel and Leo. My ex-wife and her husband.” He looked around. “Our daughter is around here somewhere, but I—”

  “She’s in the backyard with the kids.” Rachel turned to me and offered an apologetic smile. “I’d shake your hand, but…” She nodded at the bowl she was carrying.

  “It’s fine.” I hefted the case of Coke in my hands.

  We all continued walking because we really needed to set all this shit down. As we walked, Rachel said, “So you’re the man we keep hearing about.”

  Though I’d known going into this that they knew about me, I was pretty sure I was blushing anyway. “Apparently so.”

  “Eh, it’s good stuff.” Rachel shot Hunter a playful look. “You’re keeping him out of trouble, so…”

  “Ha! I think that’s the first time I’ve ever been accused of keeping anyone out of trouble.”

  “Oh Lord.” Leo rolled his eyes. “They’re trouble together, aren’t they?”

  “Hunter’s involved.” Rachel shrugged. “What do you expect?”

  “Hey!” Hunter didn’t sound overly offended.

  In the house, I was introduced to Leo’s former neighbors, who quickly took the food off our hands. We were heading for the backyard when Leo paused and turned to Hunter.

  “Hey, by the way.” He grimaced. “The shop said they can fix my car, but the part’s on back order. Do you mind if I keep using yours for a few more days?”

  “Yeah, no sweat,” Hunter said. “Fingers crossed it keeps running.”

  “Ugh. Yeah. That rattling has gotten worse, but so far, so good.” Leo held up crossed fingers. “The grinding, though… My buddy says that’s gonna be expensive as hell to fix.”

  “Of course it is,” Hunter muttered. “At least we have AAA now.”

  “Thank God.”

  Leo and Rachel continued out into the backyard while Hunter and I stopped to get drinks. Apparently this had been their second trip into the house with food from their car, and Rachel wanted to make sure their daughter was happily playing with the other kids.

  When we were more or less alone, I lowered my voice. “Is your car having problems?”

  Hunter laughed humorlessly. “Oh, my sweet summer child.” He patted my arm. “My car is the problem.”

  “Oh no.”

  “Yeah.” He dropped his gaze into his drink and sighed. “I really should replace it. I’ve just been afraid to spend what you’ve been paying me.”

  “What—afraid to spend it? What do you mean?”

  “Well.” He looked at me through his lashes. “This is only for the summer, you know? I’ve been paying down bills and trying to save in case of an emergency or something, but anything could happen. Leo or Rachel could get their hours cut again or lose their jobs altogether. I could rack up another medical bill.” He shrugged tightly. “The car is a piece of shit, but it’s a paid-for piece of shit.”

  “Oh. Man, yeah, I know how that goes.”

  His eyebrow flicked up.

  I chuckled. “Believe it or not, money was tight when I was in college. My car was held together by dreams and Bond-O.”

  Hunter laughed. “Yeah?”

  “Oh, yeah. And when money’s been tight like that for a long time, it’s hard to spend it once you do have it.”

  “Exactly. It sucks. It’s—”

  “Hunter!” A guy with dyed green hair came out of nowhere and gave Hunter a quick hug. “I’m so glad you made it! How have you been?”

  “I’m good, I’m good.” Hunter gestured at me, and I got the feeling he was relieved for the subject change. “This is my friend, Scott. Scott, this is Skylar.”

  Skylar turned to me and extended his hand. “Scott, welcome. I’m Skylar. It’s great to meet you.”

  “Yeah, you too.” I shook his hand. Maybe the interruption was just as well; I wanted Hunter to have a good time, and I knew from my college years how depressing money talk could get.

  So, I let the subject drop, and Skylar and Hunter took me into the backyard so they could introduce me to people.

  And one thing was immediately apparent: there was no way in hell I was going to remember everyone’s names. Because there were a lot of people here.

  Somewhere amidst all the activity and introductions, a little girl with blond pigtails trotted up to Scott, and as soon as he saw her, his face lit up.

  “Hey, kiddo!” He crouched for a quick hug, then looked up at me. “Scott, this is my daughter, Ginny.” He gestured at me. “Gin, this my friend, Scott.”

  She looked up at me without an ounce of shyness. “Hi!”

  “Hi.” I smiled.

  She pointed at my knee. “Did you hurt yourself?”

  I laughed. “It’s just a little sore. It’s okay.”

  With a very earnest expression, she said, “You should be more careful.”

  I tried to keep a straight face. I really did. “You’re right. I should.”

  She nodded sharply. “I’m gonna go play!”

  “Okay, baby!” Hunter smiled. “Have fun!”

  And with that, Ginny was gone, running after the flock of kids who were playing a game in the grass.

  “Not shy at all, is she?” I asked.

  Hunter laughed, making my pulse do things it wasn’t supposed to. “Oh my God, no. She’s everyone’s best friend.”

  “Sounds like my sister at that age. If someone made eye contact with her, they were going to hear every detail about her horse whether they liked it or not.”

  “Aww, that’s cute! Ginny had a horse phase too.”

  I snorted. “A horse phase? That’s like saying I had a hockey phase.”

  “Oh, so your sister’s still into horses?”

  “She trains them for a living.”

  He whistled. “Talk about following your dreams.”

  “No kidding. She’s damn good with them too. I think she’s won more saddles than she’s bought.”

  “Holy shit. Those are expensive too, aren’t they?”

  “Very. Not as expensive as the horse trailer she won at World, though.”

  “The—” Hunter blinked. “No shit?”

  “No shit. She’s got a ton of world titles, but some of the top, top, top titles at World come with things like horse trailers.” I laughed. “My team actually won the Cup the same year she won that trailer, and she took great delight in asking how many horses I could haul in the Cup.”

  “Oh, that’s cold.”

  “Right? Plus she had to win hers with an animal that had opinions and an overactive prey instinct.” I chuckled as I brought my Coke to my lips. “I was like, okay? I had to win with twenty of them.”

  Hunter almost spat out his Coke. “Do your teammates know you talk about them like that?”

  “I’m pretty sure some of them have said worse.”

  We both chuckled and continued mingling with people. At one point, we drifted apart, and I ended up running into his ex-wife while I was getting some chips.

  “Oh, hey.” She smiled. “Having a good time?”

  “Yeah. Definitely. And it’s…” I cringed. “I’m sorry. I am terrible with names.”

  “Oh, it’s Rachel. Don’t worry about it.” She smiled brightly. “Put a few drinks in me, and everyone in the room becomes ‘doll’.”

  I chuckled. “I can’t even blame it on the booze. Hand to God, I was great with names, even when I was drunk, until I took a knock to the head.”

  “Yeah?” She raised her eyebrows. “There a story behind that?”

  “There’s a video somewhere on YouTube, actually.”

  That turned some heads, including Hunter’s.

  “Oh?” A guy who I thought was named Tom leaned in. “Do we get to watch it?”

  “Depends. You want to see a hockey player get knocked cold by a puck?”

  Instantly, I had the attention of almost everyone within earshot, and some of them were even waving others over.

  “Well, now I do,” Tom said.

  “Yeah,” Rachel said. “Show us!”

  My cheeks heated up, more from the sudden attention than anything. I gestured at her phone with my drink. “Look up ‘rookie knocked out by puck’ on YouTube.”

  She picked up the phone. Everyone crowded in close to her to look at the screen. I didn’t, mostly because there was no room. There’d been a time when I couldn’t watch it, and I’d have been cringing at the idea of showing it to people, but as time had gone on and the TBI effects had improved, it had become my go-to story when people started comparing war wounds.

  No way in hell was I watching the video of me spraining my knee, though. I’d felt it twist in a way it wasn’t supposed to, and I didn’t need to see that again. The puck hitting my head? I’d slept through most of that.

  “Oh, oh, here it is!” Rachel rested her forearms on the table and held her phone out so everyone crowding in could see what was going on. They all watched intently, and I knew the instant the puck connected with my head because of the collective gasp and the hands going to mouths.

  “Holy shit!” Hunter looked at me, eyes huge. “I knew it was bad, but…” He whistled.

  “How bad did that mess you up?” someone asked.

  “I was a wreck for a while,” I said. “Got lucky, though—it wasn’t a direct hit. Enough to put me to sleep and give me a hell of a concussion, but not enough to do anything catastrophic.”