When her tears ran out she leaned away. “Is the doctor speaking of the home in Jack London’s story?”

  Naomi nodded.

  “It’s not a good place, is it?”

  Naomi shook her head. “I don’t . . . I don’t.” She took a deep breath. Should she be honest with her young cousin? This would be one of the most impactful decisions of her life; Naomi didn’t wish to have an undue influence.

  May begged, “Please, tell me the truth.”

  “Are you certain you want to hear what I believe?” Naomi asked.

  May nodded, fear in her eyes.

  “I couldn’t condemn any human to that life,” Naomi spoke plainly. They didn’t have enough qualified staff to provide basic human kindness to those with mental defects and epilepsy. The people in that home were treated like animals. The recent inclination to send away babies that were deemed unfit for society was horrifying, unethical, and unkind.

  May took in a shaky breath.

  “Can you bring the baby back to me? I want to see what’s wrong with her,” May said. Then she started to cry again. “It’s my fault. I tried to . . . I used Mrs. Sanger’s methods.”

  Understanding, and nausea, settled on Naomi. “Oh, I see.” Anger burning her heart like a fire under a cauldron. She supported Mrs. Sanger’s mission but not her unproven, and too often harmful, methods. Dear God, forgive May for whatever harm she may have brought to this baby.

  CHAPTER 8

  MAY

  March 1916

  May sat up in bed. She smoothed the pillow around her. Adrenaline made her heart pound fast and hard as she waited for Naomi to return with the baby. She must see what was wrong before making this decision.

  Naomi held the newborn swaddled in the green-and-yellow crocheted blanket. May’s heart leapt. She reached out her arms, eager to hold the bundle.

  The little one was asleep, her face calm and beautiful. She looked perfect. May’s shoulders dropped and her heart opened as she rested the little one against her chest. She smelled lovely.

  Kindly, but with a hint of pity, Naomi said, “Would you like me to show you what the doctor found?”

  May nodded. Her heart racing again, tears pushed at her eyes.

  Naomi laid the baby on May’s lap and unwrapped the swaddle. She slid her thumbs into the baby’s hands and pulled her arms outward. The one on the left twisted just a little inward.

  “Do you see the difference?” Naomi asked.

  May swallowed and nodded.

  “The legs are the same,” Naomi explained. “There’s a challenge on the left side.”

  “Is that all?” May asked.

  “And she had a seizure while the doctor was examining her.”

  “She’s epileptic?!” May heard the panic and pain in her own voice.

  “As far as I am concerned it is too soon to tell. Some babies have one seizure at birth, but never again,” Naomi declared. “However, it’s most likely she will continue having them.”

  May felt as if she might vomit. She stared at the little girl’s body. It was smooth and soft, like the finest silk. Was she really so damaged that she could not be cared for by a family? Her mind raced through her options. There must be something she could do besides surrender this baby to the doctor and go on with her life.

  Perhaps in San Francisco there was someone who might help her place the baby in a new home. The little girl stirred. Her shoulders wiggled, her head turned from side to side, and her eyes opened, sliding in two different directions. Something was very wrong. The muddy-colored orbs looked inward, then uncrossed, and the baby looked right into May’s eyes. May’s heart swelled; she felt fiercely protective.

  May questioned Naomi. “Can he really know she would be a horrible burden?”

  Naomi shook her head. “Some men think you can measure value with numbers and scales and . . .” Naomi stopped herself, as if she’d spoken too frankly.

  May reached for her hand. “Cousin Naomi, I value your opinion. I don’t want to be foolish.”

  Naomi took a deep breath. “I think you will have to ask yourself what you can live with. Next year . . . in five years. What will be harder to live with: Being a mother to this baby? Or not being her mother?”

  A chill shot down May’s spine. She shook it off, but the shadow of it remained. “That is the question, isn’t it?”

  Naomi said, “No one really knows what she will be like. Will she walk? Will she talk? Will she have blue eyes? What is her favorite color? Do you want to be there to find out? Can you love her, regardless of what skills and abilities she has?”

  May swallowed hard.

  “If you will resent her, hate her, she might be better off without you,” Naomi stated, “but—”

  “Hate her?” May interrupted. That was absurd. Hate was the furthest emotion from her. Fear, confusion, yearning, yes, but not hate. May clarified, “I could never hate her.”

  The rude doctor intruded into the room, speaking at the threshold. Fury bubbled up from her chest.

  “I understand you are questioning my diagnosis. I assure you I am well qualified and very experienced. This baby is damaged. We will not ruin our reputation by attempting to place her with a family. You have no other option but the Napa home for—”

  May hugged the warm, precious being against her body. Without thinking she replied, “There is always another option. I am taking her home with me!”

  Surprised to hear herself, she looked at her cousin. Naomi nodded, approval in her eyes.

  May gazed at the baby. Did she mean it? Am I going to be your mother? Love and joy washed over her. Somehow, faced with this added complication she was suddenly certain this was the right answer.

  “This is my daughter.” May stared at the doctor. “It doesn’t matter that she is different from other babies. I will take her home with me where I will care for her.”

  The doctor shook his head and looked at her with a combination of pity and contempt. He stormed out of the room without a word.

  A peaceful certainty settled on her and her heart swelled with love.

  She kissed the baby’s head and pulled her up until they were cuddled cheek to cheek.

  “I’m your momma, little one,” she whispered into the baby’s cheek. “I’m yours. And you are mine.”

  May’s peace was short lived. Fear rushed in. She’d have to be honest with Momma and Nana—face their reaction to this sudden news. She might have to find a new home. Forever, she would be an unwed mother and this baby would be illegitimate.

  Suddenly the baby wiggled her head from side to side, burrowing into May’s neck. She bobbed her little head around. May’s heart raced—was this a seizure?

  “Looks like she’s hungry,” Naomi said. “Would you like to nurse her?”

  “It’s not too late?” May suddenly longed for the experience.

  “She’s less than a day old,” Naomi said. “I think your body knows what to do to get her what she needs.”

  May gave an eager nod. Naomi encouraged her to open her robe and placed the baby across her bare body. May held the infant, steadying her head, while Naomi pulled the girl’s arms out until they hugged her bosom. The baby bobbed her head from side to side and up and down, opened her mouth wide, and landed right where she belonged. May exclaimed at the strong sensation.

  “That’s just fine,” Naomi said. “She knows just what to do. We will leave her like this for a while and then give it a go on the other side.”

  May gazed at the girl. She looked so normal. Naomi patted May’s arm.

  “Try to release your shoulders, or you will have a sore back soon.”

  May exhaled. She took in a deep breath and relaxed her muscles. Her mind and body were a jumble. “I can’t quite believe what I’ve done. Do you believe I made the right choice?”

  “None of us knows what God gives us when we have a baby. I can’t predict this little one’s future, but I’ve seen babies so sickly they don’t have the strength to eat, and yet they grow up to be lovely adults. She doesn’t look weak to me,” Naomi said. “She may be different in some way, but she’s got spirit. I predict you two are going to be just fine.”

  “Thank you.” Gratitude filled May. “Can you . . . If you have the time, can you ask Nana Lisbeth to visit me tomorrow, explain the situation to her so she can help me plan how to talk to Momma?”

  “Are you afraid Sadie is going to be disappointed in you?”

  May nodded, her throat too tight to speak.

  Naomi said, “Your mother knows as well as anyone that life does not always go according to our desires or plans. She provided you with a good home without your father.”

  “He died,” May replied. “My mother was married before I was born. She didn’t make a foolish mistake that would change her life forever.”

  May paused. Looking down at her daughter she felt a thrill at the sight and feel of this baby. A week ago this little being was a mistake to get past, but at this moment May felt the most powerful joy for her existence. She didn’t even care that John had abandoned her.

  Naomi said, “I think she will welcome this baby with her whole heart—once she gets past the shock. You will have to give her time to adjust. I’ll telephone Lisbeth to tell her the exciting news that she’s a great-grandmother.”

  May smiled, her eyes moist, and she nodded. They’d all been suddenly transformed, taken a giant step along the path of life even though they didn’t know it yet. Momma was a grandma, and May was a mother.

  “You’ll feed her every couple of hours for these first few weeks. It will feel constant—that’s how it’s supposed to be while she’s getting used to being on the outside,” Naomi explained. “You haven’t had much experience caring for a newborn, have you?”

  “Only Matthias,” May replied. “Since I moved in with them I’ve become quite adept at swaddling, diaper changes, and lullabies. He’s amazing.” She smiled and then shrugged. “That’s it; I don’t have a big family.”

  “I imagine the second cousins will grow up together.”

  “What do I do when she has . . . ?” May’s throat closed. She cleared it. “A fit.”

  Naomi nodded. “They can look terribly dangerous, but there’s nothing to do but wait it out. When she is very young there’s no fear of injury from falling down.”

  May nodded.

  “Hold her or lay her on a bed . . . Keep her from taking a tumble.”

  May swallowed. “Did you see it, before?”

  Naomi shook her head. “Nurse Hand told me her left side seized. The jerking started at her hand and made its way down to her foot. She believed it lasted less than two minutes.”

  Jerking. That word struck hard. She looked down at the unnamed baby. She imagined holding her through such an ordeal. May nodded.

  Naomi showed her how to break the seal to protect against injury before switching to the other breast. The infant eagerly latched to her right side. May felt a rush of well-being and love flood through her. She’d never felt so much devotion. She gazed at the baby’s beautiful face. What would she be called?

  “How did you choose Maggie’s name?” May asked Naomi. “It seems a huge responsibility to decide that for her.”

  Naomi smiled. “Long before she was born, I’d decided I would name my first daughter after my sister Margaret. She died when I was seventeen.”

  May nodded.

  “I didn’t know we would call her Maggie until I saw her little face. With each child I just knew what was right. Like God whispered it into my ear for them. You’ll know when you hear it.”

  Naomi continued. “I’m going home now. Nurse Bowen will help you with anything you need.”

  “Thank you, Naomi. For your kindness. For your wisdom. And for your confidence in me.”

  “You are strong, May. From the moment you were born, I’ve seen that in you. You are a fighter.”

  May nodded. She looked down at her daughter. She’d be fighting for her from now on.

  At the end of the day, the night nurse offered to take the baby to the nursery to give May a rest.

  “I’d prefer for her to be with me,” May replied. “Is that foolish?”

  The petite young woman smiled and shook her head. “No. That’s perfectly delightful. I’ll bring you a cradle in case you need it. But she can just stay right with you as long as you like. Ring your bell should you need anything.”

  May was dozing with the baby on her chest when she heard the door open again. She kept her eyes closed, hoping the nurse would leave without disturbing her. She didn’t need anything but rest. But instead of the sound of the door closing she heard the nurse walk to her side. May took in a deep breath and forced her eyes to open.

  Nana’s face was inches away; her bright eyes stared at the little baby. May’s heart leapt, and adrenaline poured through her, waking her up entirely.

  “Oh, May!” Nana Lisbeth said. Tears streamed down her thin, pale cheeks.

  “I’m sorry to disappoint you, Nana,” May whispered. Shame pressed on the new mother’s lungs.

  “Oh, May,” Nana Lisbeth said again. “I am sorry, so sorry, you carried this burden alone. It must have been terribly painful to bear this secret, for months. Hiding this, hiding her, from us.”

  May nodded.

  “She’s beautiful,” Nana Lisbeth exclaimed. “May I hold her?”

  Joy shot through May. She smiled through her tears and passed the precious bundle of baby to her grandmother.

  “I cannot believe you came out so late,” May said.

  “For you? For her? I couldn’t stay away once Naomi told me about my great-granddaughter!” Nana Lisbeth leaned over and kissed May’s cheeks, twice on each side.

  “Oh, Nana.” May laughed. “Do you think Momma will accept her? Me? What I’ve done?”

  Nana Lisbeth looked straight at May. In her clear, strong voice she said, “Your mother is utterly devoted to you. She will accept this baby with all the love possible.”

  “I believe she will be disappointed in me,” May said in a hoarse whisper.

  Nana Lisbeth shook her head. “Not disappointed in you; perhaps disappointed for you. She wants your life to be easier than hers.” Nana Lisbeth stared off into the distance, lost in thought, then she spoke: “I think she will be most sad that you didn’t come to her with your predicament.”

  May’s heart dropped. “And you too?”

  Nana Lisbeth took in a breath but didn’t respond.

  “I was certain I could take care of this without you two,” May said. “Elena helped me.”

  “I imagined as much when I realized you were here. You moved in with them to hide your pregnancy?”

  May nodded.

  “I’m going to need a tremendous amount of help now. I can’t keep being a burden to them.” Shame flooded through May again as she realized the full weight of this decision. It felt impossible to provide for herself and for this baby.

  “I know you like to be independent, but for her sake you need our help—at least to begin with.”

  May nodded; her grandmother was right.

  “You must move back in with us,” Nana Lisbeth said.

  “Are you certain?” May asked.

  “Of course. Your mother and I will both sleep better knowing we are doing what we can for you.” Then her grandmother reassured her, “It will not have to be forever. In six months you can make another decision. But for now, you live with us.”

  “You sound like Auntie Diana!” May said.

  Nana Lisbeth laughed. “After thirty years of being her family I suppose I’m becoming Greek too. Does she have a name?”

  “I’m thinking of Kathryn Elizabeth,” May said through a tight throat.

  Nana Lisbeth teared up. Elizabeth was her given name, though she was called Lisbeth.

  “I’m honored. Thank you. Kay Lynn Elizabeth,” Nana Lisbeth repeated. “What an unusual and charming name.”

  “No, Nana. Kathryn,” May said louder. “Kathryn Elizabeth.”

  “Excuse me,” Nana Lisbeth said. “That is lovely too.”

  Kay Lynn. The name echoed in May’s mind. It was charming, and unusual. She looked at the baby in Nana’s arms.

  “Are you Kathryn?” she asked the sleeping baby, “or Kay Lynn?”

  The infant’s eyes blinked open.

  “She likes the name you gave her,” May observed. She considered it, repeating it in her own mind several times: Kay Lynn. It felt right, as Naomi said—like God was whispering in her ear.

  May declared, “Kay Lynn it is.”

  Nana Lisbeth smiled. “An unusual name for our unusual girl.”

  Our girl.

  May imagined all the people she would have to face: Momma, Uncle Sam and Aunt Diana, her cousins, and her church. Would they accept Kay Lynn? Could she keep working? Where would they live? Who would care for her during the day? How ill would she be? Could anyone bear to take care of a sickly child? Question after question flooded her mind and overwhelmed her heart. She looked at Nana.

  “How will I manage?” she asked, feeling the immense weight of this particular child’s life.

  “We will manage,” Nana Lisbeth said. “One day at a time. Tonight you sleep as best as you can. You will feed her and change her napkins. In the morning you and I will face your mother together.”

  “Thank you.” Gratitude sprang up in May. She’d never felt such a bubbling up of intense emotions of all kinds. Nana Lisbeth was a deep well of love and support. Knowing she would be at her side eased May’s fear and multiplied her joy.

  CHAPTER 9

  MAY

  March 1916

  The next morning May cradled Kay Lynn in her arms, staring at her in wonder. She kissed her smooth cheeks. Devotion surged through May. Rationally, she should be terrified, but her heart was so bursting with love that she didn’t feel anything but happiness.

  “Ohhh my!” Auntie Diana exclaimed as she came through the door of the hospital room. Her brown eyes sparkled as she clapped her hands. Glee was all over her face. “Welcome, little one. Welcome.”

  May’s heart swelled until it seemed it had to burst. She grinned at Auntie Diana. Never one to hold back, Auntie Diana was letting May know loud and clear her daughter, her Kay Lynn, was to be celebrated.