I wish I would have known then that this was the beginning of the end...

  For us.

  Chapter 23

  —Tristian—

  Now

  “Do we have to leave?” she questioned, kissing my chest.

  We’d just woken up, and it was the last day of our two-week honeymoon.

  “Considering you didn’t want to come and now you’re begging me to stay, I could be persuaded to give you what you want.”

  “You know what they say: happy wife, happy life.”

  I chuckled. “I have a call I need to be on soon. We can discuss this after I’m finished.”

  “I like the sound of that. What’s the call about?”

  “It’s with an old friend, Adrian Drake. He needs help with his Fortune 500 company.”

  She cheekily smiled. “Maybe I should be on the call. I could definitely give him my expert advice.”

  “That you can, kitten, but I think he’s looking for a man chat.”

  “Oh, no girls allowed?”

  “If you must know, he’s struggling with his executive assistant, and he wanted to know if I knew anyone qualified that he could bring on. The position is for half a year.”

  “Adrian Drake…” She thought about it for a second. “Why does that sound familiar?”

  “He’s done business with Montgomery Enterprise.”

  “Ohhhhh! I know who you’re talking about. He’s tall, maybe six-two? Has hazel eyes with flecks of green? Strong jawline, broody looking, walks around like he’s God? You know, similar to you.”

  I possessively replied, “That’s awfully descriptive.”

  She put her finger over her mouth. “Did I forget to say handsome? Because he’s that too.”

  I inadvertently growled.

  “Awe, baby, don’t be jealous.”

  “Don’t call me baby. I’m not a child.”

  “I mean…” She shrugged. “You’re kind of acting like one right now.”

  “Do I need to remind you of how much of a man I am?”

  “You’re cute when you’re jealous.”

  I smacked her ass, hard.

  “Hey! That’s not nice.”

  In one quick motion, I gripped the back of her thighs and tossed her onto the bed and hovered above her.

  “I’m not nice.”

  She smirked. “You can be nice sometimes, but back to Adrian—”

  “You can call him Mr. Drake.”

  “But he’s your friend.”

  “My friend, kitten. Not yours.”

  “What happened to what’s mine is yours?”

  “Are you purposely trying to piss me off?”

  She sarcastically remarked, “Sir, I would never.”

  “I could get used to you calling me sir.”

  “I’m sure you could.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “So he’s looking for a new EA?”

  “From what I’ve heard.”

  “If I’m pregnant, I won’t be needing, Paige, my executive assistant, as much as I usually do. I know she’ll probably want something a little more demanding. If he’s in a pinch, I could let him borrow her.”

  “That’s very sweet of you.”

  “What can I say? I’m a sweet girl.”

  “The sweetest.” I kissed along her neck. “I’ll see how he feels about it.” I grabbed her chin, making her look at me. “Talk to me.”

  Those three words carried a mean ass punch, and I could tell she felt each one in the pit of her stomach.

  Taking a deep breath that made my chest hurt, she brushed it off, babbling, “We are talking.”

  I didn’t hesitate in calling her out. “Are you trying to avoid what’s really bothering you by your relentless pursuit of trying to make me jealous?”

  She narrowed her eyes at me with a stern, pointed look. “How do you do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “You know what.”

  I grinned. “Does it bother you, kitten, that I know what’s in your head and heart?”

  “See… And then you say swoony stuff, and I’m just like hold me.” She smiled with kind eyes, being sinful and adorable all at the same time.

  “What can I say? We’re connected.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Mmm hmm. Are you going to let me in?”

  “Oh, you’ve been in.”

  Changing the subject to what she was avoiding, I suggested, “Why don’t you go buy a pregnancy test while I’m on my call with Adrian, and you can take it after I get back?”

  “Ummm… I guess I could do that.”

  I could read her like a book.

  “Relax. If you are pregnant, great. If you’re not, then we’ll just keep trying.”

  “You make it sound so easy.”

  “Fucking you isn’t a hardship for me, and with the number of times you come, it isn’t one for you either.”

  She shook her head, smirking. “The fact that you can make that sound so romantic is truly your gift, Tristian.” She kissed my chest again. “I could get used to waking up like this, Mr. Hawkins.”

  I smiled. “It’s a good thing we’re married then, Mrs. Hawkins.”

  “To think we could have been doing this for years.”

  “Kitten, it’s in the past. We’re together now, and that’s all that matters,” I said, stroking her cheek.

  She nodded.

  “What do you want to say that you’re not saying?”

  “You can tell, huh?” Before she could change her mind, she blurted, “I don’t know how I feel about taking the test.”

  “In what sense?”

  “I’m unsure of what I want it to read.”

  “Hmmm.”

  “I’m sorry, Tristian. I’m just trying to be honest.”

  “What worries you?”

  “A lot.”

  “Such as?”

  “For starters, we’re just now getting along and really learning about each other again. I mean, is it right to bring in a baby?”

  “Why would it be wrong?”

  “Don’t you want to enjoy the honeymoon phase?”

  “We’ll have nine months to enjoy it before he or she is born.”

  “I know that, but it doesn’t take away the concern of it being the right time.”

  “It’s never going to be the right time.”

  “You think?”

  “Why leave something for tomorrow when it can be done today?”

  “We’re talking about a baby. Not a business deal.”

  “Kitten, life is a business deal. You take a gamble in every decision you make.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She bowed her head.

  “Ask.”

  She peered up at me through her lashes. “Are you hoping I’m pregnant?”

  Hiding back the emotion she didn’t need to see from me in that moment, I sidestepped the question. “I’m hoping that whatever happens, we’ll figure it out together.”

  “Okay.”

  I kissed the tip of her nose. “I need to jump in the shower and take this call. I’ll be back in a couple hours. You think you can live without me until then?”

  She sassed, “It’s a travesty, but I’ll try to make it without you for a couple hours.”

  I climbed out of bed to get ready, and as I showered, I couldn’t stop thinking about Belle being pregnant and how much I truly hoped, she was.

  Once I was sitting in the conference room in the bungalow’s registration office, I called Adrian.

  He answered, “I never thought I’d see the day when Tristian Hawkins is a married man. You know women all over the world are grieving your loss?”

  “They still have you.”

  He chuckled. “How’s married life?”

  “Better than when I was single.”

  “That should be on a Hallmark card.”

  “How are things with you?”

  “I just fired another incompetent assistant.”

  “So today is a good day?”

  “I need someone who works as hard as I do, and it’s easier said than done.”

  “I may have a solution for you.”

  “Is that right?”

  I tried to stay focused on our conversation.

  However, my mind was consumed with a positive pregnancy test.

  —Belle—

  I’d be lying if I said buying a pregnancy test at the store down the street wasn’t the most unfamiliar thing I’d ever experienced. My life was about to change for what felt like the hundredth time in a matter of a couple months. I couldn’t believe this was happening to begin with. Tristian and I were finally on better terms, seeing eye to eye, but that didn’t take away any of the uncertainty I was feeling.

  I knew how much he wanted me to be pregnant, and I didn’t want to let him down. My emotions were so hot and cold about it. A few days ago, we were talking about having children, and I’d been subconsciously rubbing my belly, excited about the possibilities. Now that it was time to confirm what we both wanted…

  I was scared.

  Not knowing if I wanted this or just wanted him.

  As I walked around the store, I found myself buying a unisex motorcycle onesie, desperately trying to shift my emotions from what if to a beautiful baby in our arms. There was no controlling the mess that was my head right now.

  The next thing I knew, I was taking the test without Tristian. I couldn’t delay it any longer. The three minutes I had to wait for the results were the longest of my life. When the timer on my phone finally dinged that the test was ready, it felt as though an explosion erupted around me. I swear it echoed through the room as I made my way over to the test I’d left on the counter in the bathroom.

  Three…

  Two…

  One…

  I picked it up and looked down at the results. My heart immediately dropped to the floor while my arm shot up to my mouth. I flung the test across the room, watching as it flew through the air and connected with the wall. I sat there and stared off into space until the reminders of us caught my attention around the room. The presents he’d given me, the memories of us making love all over the bungalow. It all suddenly made me sick to my stomach to see.

  It was too real.

  Too soon.

  I simply reacted.

  Leaping off the ground, I allowed the rage, the fury, the craze I felt to take over every inch of my body. I was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode, and once I did…

  It was loud.

  Disastrous.

  Consuming.

  In my frenzied state of mind, I whirled around the bungalow as if I was a hurricane, completely merciless and unforgiving. It elicited feelings I never thought possible, emotions no one should ever have to experience. I felt every loss of breath, every tear, every memory, everything he ever said to me, and everything he ever promised.

  All of it cluttered my mind for my will to keep going, for me to push through. I couldn’t keep up with the emotions that clamped around my soul. Darting around my room, my feet stomped each step I treaded, leaving a path of destruction in its wake. Throwing the gifts, our clothes, anything and everything I could find. My eyes blurred with tears as I tried to escape the torture I was reliving.

  “Why?! Why?!” I yelled, talking to myself. Repeating it over and over, allowing it to sink into my bones.

  Through my chaos, I found the pregnancy test again. There in front of my eyes was the truth I couldn’t escape. Not when it was blatantly spelled out for me in big, bold letters. I don’t know how much time flew by, everything just sort of stood still like it was the middle of the night and not bright and early with the start of a new day.

  I wanted to love him.

  Be with him.

  Truly be his wife.

  But I couldn’t forgive him.

  Not until he told me the truth for the first time.

  I was trying to be patient, letting him confess when he was ready to, but there was no delaying the inevitable anymore. I needed to hear, the truth and I needed to hear it right now.

  Because at the end of the day we couldn’t move forward.

  When the past kept staring us in the fucking face.

  Chapter 24

  —Tristian—

  I walked into to our bungalow, suddenly panicked by the sight before me. It looked like someone had broken in.

  “Belle!” I hollered. My heart was in my throat as I rushed around the room trying to find her. “Kitten! Where are you?”

  In the corner of the kitchen, I found her sitting on the floor with her back against the wall and a pregnancy test in her hand. Looking back and forth between her and the test, I waited for her to say something, anything.

  “Did you take it?”

  She nodded.

  “I thought we were going to do it together?”

  “You took too long, but that’s what you’re good at.”

  I spewed, “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me.”

  “You couldn’t have waited an hour?”

  “I’ve waited twenty years. What’s another hour, right?”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “What’s it say?”

  She didn’t reply. Instead, she grabbed the bottle of bourbon I’d bought at the liquor store and chugged it down.

  Seeing the aftermath of her meltdown, I crouched in front of her, sitting on the balls of my feet. “Kitten, we have our whole lives to try for a baby.”

  “I’m thirty-seven. That’s not exactly young to try for a baby.”

  “Bel—”

  “Why are you pretending like you’re not disappointed?”

  She handed me the test.

  NEGATIVE.

  A word I hadn’t expected. Instead of giving in to the disappointment I felt with every bone in my body, I stayed strong for her.

  “We can keep trying.”

  “Ugh,” she scoffed out, abruptly standing. “Why are you like this?”

  I stood with her, cocking my head to the side. “Care to elaborate?”

  “You’re always like this. Hiding your emotions like you don’t feel anything.”

  “Is that what I’m doing?”

  “Don’t patronize me.”

  “Starting a fight with me isn’t going to cha—”

  “I wanted it, okay?! I didn’t even realize how much I wanted that test to be positive until I saw the word negative beaming in my face.”

  I nodded, understanding. “Come here.”

  “No!”

  “Kitten…”

  “Don’t kitten me! I’m pissed, and it’s all your fault!”

  I jerked back. “My fault?”

  “Yes! Yours! If you hadn’t left me! If you’d have come back for me! This wouldn’t have happened! We’d already have our family!”

  I adamantly shook my head. “That’s not fair.”

  “Fair? You want to talk about fair? How about you breaking my heart when I didn’t deserve it.”

  “You’re right, you didn’t deserve it, but I can’t change the past. All I can do is focus on the future. You’re not pregnant right now, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be next month. At least you know now that you want to have my baby. How about we celebrate that?”

  “Why can’t you just be honest with me? Why can’t you just show me how disappointed you are?”

  “You’re disappointed enough for the both of us.”

  She rolled her eyes, chugging down the bottle again.

  “You’ve had enough.” I reached for the bourbon, but she yanked it away, spilling some onto the floor.

  “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough. You want to know what I’ve had enough of, though? Not knowing why you broke my heart in the first place!”

  “Kitten, why do you keep bringing up the past?”

  “Because I can’t move forward until you tell me the truth! I’m not pregnant, and maybe that’s why. Our past is lying in bed with us. Can’t you feel it? A baby needs to be made out of love, not obligation.”

  “Obligation? That’s what you think I’m doing?”

  “What do you want from me?” she pleaded.

  “Everything! All of you! It belongs to me!”

  “See! That’s all you care about! I’m just a trophy to you!”

  “Kitten, you’ve always been the most important person in my life.”

  “This is the biggest problem in our relationship. You saying shit you don’t mean.”

  “Oh, come on! I can’t win with you. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. There is no happy medium with you. You’re always against me. No matter what I do, you find fault in it.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Bullshit. Do you honestly believe that?”

  “You’ve never let me believe otherwise.”

  “For fuck’s sake! Now I’m being punished for whatever bullshit you’ve created in your head to push me away?”

  “It’s not bullshit—it’s the truth.”

  “The truth as you see fit.”

  “What do you want me to say? Huh? You betrayed me! I loved you!”

  “You still fucking love me. I know that as much as you do.” I tugged back my hair, wanting to rip it out. “How much longer am I going to have to pay for this? I fucked up. I lost you. Isn’t that punishment enough?”

  “It’s so much more than that.”

  “You’ve pushed your feelings for me aside since the first day you saw me again.” I stepped back, putting some much-needed distance between us.

  “My head is still spinning from years ago, and you’re just adding more confusion to my already overwhelmed mind. I have all these fears, and I don’t know how to make them go away because you won’t tell me the truth about why you left me! I know I’ve been hard on you, and I hate myself for it. Though, it’s more about me hating myself than you. I don’t know how to forgive you, love you. I’m my own worst enemy, and all I want is to know the truth. I so desperately want to be that girl again. The one who loved you with all her heart and soul. Our baby deserves that. To be conceived in the love we once had.” She hesitated for a second before asking, “Did you marry me because you had to?”