“Your father used to be a hero,” she slurred. “He played football for State, and he was gorgeous. He was everything I ever wanted. I was his princess, and then I became his queen. He was so disappointed when we couldn’t get pregnant.” Jessica sat on my bed and looked at her hands. Her emotions were all over the place, which was dangerous, but I knew if I stayed silent she would tell me more. She was drunk and nostalgic, which meant she wanted to talk.

  “Her name was Iris Blanchard, but you already know that,” she said. “She taught English with your father at Liberty High School. She was a mousy, nothing of a woman,” she scoffed. “You look just like her, you know.” I stayed silent and waited for her to continue.

  “Iris and your father started spending a lot of time together. We were trying to get pregnant and with each month that we failed, he spent more and more time talking to her. At first, they just spoke at school, and then they started going to happy hours. Stupidly, I never once worried. I mean, she was plain, her hair was mousy brown, and she wasn’t even five feet tall. Why would someone who looked like me worry about someone like her?” she laughed without humor.

  She continued, “I knew they were sleeping together before I caught them. Your father has never been good at hiding things from me. We grew up together, so there’s not much about him I don’t know.” She stared off into space. “When Iris got pregnant, your father came clean. He told me that this was our opportunity to have a family. Iris was only twenty-two. She wasn’t ready for a family, but your dad and I were twenty-six and trying for a child. It seemed like the perfect solution. Your father and I chose to raise you as our own. We even let her have contact with you as long as she promised to never tell you she was your real mother.”

  “He told me he never loved her. Instead, he felt like a failure each month I didn’t turn up pregnant. We didn’t realize I was the problem,” she said. “When Iris found out she was pregnant, I almost left him. I was mad that your father cheated, but even more I was devastated to find out I was the problem.” The softness from earlier was replaced by venom. “I tried. I really did, but I could never love you. Your father has spent the last eighteen years walking on eggshells trying to make up for what he did, but I can’t forgive him any more than I can find it in myself to love you.”

  I squeezed my hands together so hard that my nails dug into my palms. I willed my tears not to fall. Even though I had always suspected the truth, it was hard to hear that the woman who I’d thought of as my mother never loved me.

  She stood up and walked to the door. When she got there, she turned to face me. “I’m leaving,” she said. “I can’t do this anymore. I can never forgive your father. He’s weak, and he disgusts me,” she spit. “Every time he feels upset or confused, he turns to another woman. Like right now, he’s with that nurse from across the street. Every time I look at you, I am reminded of what he did. I know I was terrible to you, and I know that you didn’t deserve it. You’re a smart kid. Go to college and start your life. Leave me, your father, and that boy you can’t stop pining over behind.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, shocked Jessica Gates even knew anything about me.

  She gestured to the window. “I know you had a crush on that Washington boy, but he’s gone. Let it go.”

  I slumped down on the bed. “I was just a kid. You are a monster!” I hissed as I choked on the words.

  She looked at me without a trace of sadness and shrugged. “Yeah, I know.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Another Year Later

  JJ

  My last final exam was over, so I headed to the parking lot ready for break. I saw my former best friend Mark and stopped dead in my tracks. He got out of a jacked up red truck that was parked next to my car. He slammed the door and jogged over to where I stood. It was no surprise we both ended up at Tech since we had planned to be Red Raiders since we were kids, but it still shocked me to see him.

  “Hey, man,” Mark said and reached out to fist bump me.

  I paused, but then tapped his fist with mine. “What’s up?”

  He shrugged. “Uh, you know, man. So, how you been?”

  “Good,” I answered, and I realized I no longer harbored any ill will toward my old friend.

  “I hear you’re some sort of track star now,” he said.

  “Yeah, I guess. It helps pay for school. What about you? You still playing football?” I asked, though I doubted he’d been good enough to walk on here.

  “Nah, that ended senior year. You know we finally won State?”

  I nodded and tried to keep my face neutral. “Yeah, I heard. I bet the entire town of Redville went crazy.”

  He grinned. “Dude, it was awesome!” Then his face fell, and he whispered, “But, you should have been there.”

  I just shrugged with a grunt. Three years may have passed, but I still remembered the sting I felt when Coach and my teammates turned on me. Anytime I thought about Coach, my mind drifted to Lily. I tried not to think about her, even though she still starred in most of my fantasies. Because of this, when I hooked up with chicks, I made sure they were nothing like her.

  Lily hadn’t sent me a letter in over a year. I didn’t know if that made me happy or disappointed. Even though I never opened a single one, it felt good to know she thought about me. She would be finished with her freshman year of college now—probably at some ivy league school. It was stupid for me to even think about her anymore. I imagined she moved on from me the minute she left Redville. I suspected that was the reason her letters stopped. Well, that and the fact that I was an asshole and refused to even open those letters.

  I turned back to Mark when he said, “We’re having a party tonight.” He gestured to the Greek letters on his shirt, so I knew who “we” meant. “You ought to come.”

  “Yeah, man. Sounds great,” I told him. “See ya tonight.”

  “See ya,” he nodded then headed toward the library.

  I woke up with a headache, and my mouth felt like I had eaten a pound of cotton. When I peeled my eyes open, I didn’t recognize my surroundings. The walls were a soft pink, and the room smelled like flowers. Snippets of the night before assaulted my memory. There were shots, dancing, more shots, then warm skin and cherry-flavored lip gloss.

  The girl to my right stirred awake. “Morning.” She grinned and snuggled into my side.

  I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes. “Hey,” I sighed.

  “You wanna go grab some breakfast?” she asked.

  I looked at her for the first time. Blue eyes met mine when she pushed her dark hair off her face. Fuck, I thought. She was exactly the type of chick I avoided. She was gorgeous, but she looked too much like the girl who still haunted my dreams. There was a reason I stayed away from girls who looked like Lily, and the pinch in my chest reminded me of that.

  I sighed again and rolled over with a groan. The search for my clothes commenced as soon as I pulled myself to a seated position on the side of her bed. The used condom by my foot flooded me with relief. Disgusting, but at least we were safe.

  “I gotta go,” I told her over my shoulder as I stood and pulled up my boxers. “I have to get on the road soon.”

  She pouted. “Aww, I was hoping we could go another round after we refueled.” Her bottom lip stuck out in a way that I’m sure she thought made her look sexy. To me, she just looked like a cheap imitation of the girl I really wanted.

  As I pulled my shirt over my head, she got on her knees and crawled toward the foot of her bed where I saw my shoes. The nameless girl raised up, and I got my first sober view of her very naked body. Every inch of her was tanned and toned to perfection. Just when I thought maybe I could revisit things with her when I got back from my parents, she ruined it.

  “Do you think you’re too good for me or something?” she demanded. She got off the bed and stood in front of me with her hand on her hip. “I did you a favor last night!”

  I looked at her in confusion. “Oh, yeah?”

  “Yeah,” she said. “You were all mopey about some chick, and I let you forget all about her. And trust me, Jason, you forgot all about her last night.”

  “Jalen,” I said as I picked up my shoes from her floor.

  “What?”

  “My name… It’s Jalen, not Jason.” At least she had the decency to blush. I rested my hands on her shoulders. “Look, last night was fun, but as you just reminded me, I’m not in a place to date right now. Have a good summer,” I said and then walked out of her room.

  I squinted into the sun as I looked around her yard. My car was MIA, so at least I hadn’t driven last night. The street signs showed I was about two miles from home, so I jogged toward my apartment. A hungover run was brutal, but it was my best option.

  As my feet pounded the pavement, I thought about the night before. I decided once and for all; it was time to put Redville in the past where it belonged. That included my feelings for the girl next door.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Five Years Later

  Lily

  My long day at work left me exhausted. I was grateful my studio apartment in Brooklyn was only two train stops away from the office. The walk from the train station took me just under six minutes. My jammies with a good book, and a glass of Pinot called to me. I planned my night as I walked so I didn’t notice the woman sitting on the stoop of my building as I approached. It wasn’t until I almost tripped over her that I even registered her presence. She looked familiar, but I couldn’t place her.

  She locked eyes with me. “Lily?” she asked.

  “Um… yes?” I couldn’t hide the confusion in my voice.

  She stood up and reached out a hand for me to shake. “I don’t know if you remember me or not, but I’m Iris.”

  I jerked back in disbelief. “Iris!”

  “So, you remember me… or at least you’ve heard about me,” she said. “I wasn’t sure what to believe when Chris called me.”

  “My dad called you?” I couldn’t even process her words. “How does he even know how to get ahold of you?”

  “Did you really think I’d let him take my firstborn, and not know where to find her, or leave him without a way to contact me?”

  I shrugged. “I really don’t know what to think. When I found out about you, they told me you wanted an abortion, but you agreed to let them have me. You signed over your rights to me. You’re not even on my birth certificate. What was I supposed to think?” I tried not to get angry, but I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to show up here out of the blue.

  “It’s true I didn’t plan on having a family, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice. Your mother was crazy. She attacked me when she found out.”

  “That woman was never my mother. I didn’t have a mother!” I couldn’t help but raise my voice. “I had a monster who physically and mentally abused me!”

  Iris looked down at the ground. “Lily, I was twenty-two years old. I had an affair with a married colleague in a small town. My options were limited. Chris convinced me to act as a surrogate, sign over my rights, and move on with my life. For the first few years of your life, it felt like I’d made the right choice. I got to see you. They even let me babysit and celebrate your birthdays. I didn’t realize how unstable your moth—Jessica was until they pressured me to move away.”

  She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked back up at me. “Your dad sent me school pictures and updates on your birthday every year after I moved away. It wasn’t until I met someone and we got serious that I realized just how big of a mistake I made letting you go. By then it was too late for me to do anything. It seemed like you were happy. Chris never told me otherwise. You have to believe that.” She gaged my reaction, but I gave her nothing. She continued, “I was so proud of you when I heard you graduated top of your class and went to Dartmouth.”

  “So, why are you here now?” I couldn’t hide the bitterness in my voice. “Why, after all these years, did you show up on my doorstep?”

  “Your dad called me. He told me everything. I realized you deserved to hear from me why I let you go all of those years ago. I owe you an explanation so you can move on.”

  “What’s to explain? You got pregnant and didn’t want to keep me. You let my dad and his wife have me without a second thought.” My chest heaved. “I guess you’re just looking to absolve yourself of your guilt for abandoning me?”

  “I wanted to reconnect with you. I wanted to see for myself the wonderful woman you’ve become. Your father felt like you deserved the opportunity to meet me again and reconnect.”

  “You know what I deserve? I deserve a mother,” I told her; the bitterness I felt clear in my voice.

  “I won’t apologize for doing what I thought was best for you, Lily. Maybe in hindsight things could have been better, but I was just a kid who did the best she could. There are some things you don’t know. I just want the opportunity to tell you my side. Not for me, but for you.”

  I studied her for a while. She had brown hair like mine, and her eyes were the same clear blue. The most striking thing about our likeness was her size. She was in her 40s, but we could have passed for sisters. I knew she taught English once upon a time, but that was all I knew.

  I decided this might be my only chance to speak with her. I needed to push my hurt aside and try to get to know the woman who was responsible for fifty percent of my DNA. I sighed and nodded to the door. “Why don’t you come inside? I’ll put on some tea and you can tell me what you came to say.”

  She smiled woefully. “That’s all I’m asking of you.”

  I unlocked the door, and she followed me inside my building. We were silent as we climbed the two stories to my studio apartment. When I unlocked the door, I held it open for her and gestured for her to go inside.

  “This is lovely,” she said. “It seems like you’ve done pretty well for yourself. Your dad said you’re in the publishing industry.”

  “I am. It’s a nice job for now. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up,” I told her.

  “That’s okay. You’re still young,” she said. “It took me a while to figure things out for myself.” She smiled shyly and ducked her head. As she looked down, she tucked her hair behind her ear, a gesture I was all too familiar with myself.

  I guessed she knew all about deciding your future when you still feel like a kid. After all, she was my age when she had me. I couldn’t imagine getting pregnant at this age. I wasn’t sure I would handle it any better than she did.

  We made small talk while I put on the kettle for tea. I found out she lived in Nebraska with her husband and three kids, a boy and twin girls. The thought of my half siblings out there after growing up an only child unsettled me. I felt like I should want to meet them, but I didn’t. I may look just like this woman, but she was a stranger. I only had fuzzy memories of when she was in my life. She showed me pictures of her children and while I could see a resemblance; I felt very little. She seemed hurt when I told her as much.

  Iris was a librarian and her husband an engineer. She told me she moved to Nebraska not long after I turned seven in hopes of a fresh start. As I set our tea on the table, I worked up the courage to ask her the question of the hour.

  “Do you regret it? Abandoning me, I mean.” I tried not to let my voice betray my nervousness about her answer. If she said no, I would be heartbroken, but if she said yes, I doubted that would change anything.

  “Lily, you have to understand something; I didn’t abandon you. I served as a surrogate for your mom and dad,” she said.

  “Jessica Gates is not my mom. Never call her that!” I yelled, surprising us both.

  “What I mean is,” she soothed. “I didn’t love your dad. We were friends who let things go too far. When I got pregnant, I had no intention of starting a family with him. He was lonely because your mother blamed him each month when she didn’t get pregnant. When he found out I was pregnant, he felt like you were a gift from God. I agreed to have the baby for him and your… um… Jessica. Lily, Jessica acted excited. Hell, she came to every doctor’s appointment. She had baby showers. We told everyone I was the surrogate. The more we told that to people, the more it felt like the truth.”

  “So, you never wanted me at all?” I asked, choking back tears.

  “I didn’t until you were born. I held you in my arms and felt complete for the first time. But then I looked at your father and Jessica,” she sighed. “They were crying and hugging. I couldn’t take their family away. I was young and had nothing to offer you.”

  “Love… you had love. I never got that from Jessica.” I couldn’t stop the tear that escaped down my cheek. Iris reached out for my hand, but I jerked it away.

  “Did your father tell you I tried to be more than just your babysitter?”

  “What?” I gasped.

  “I showed up early to your second birthday party. Jessica was in a mood for some reason. She asked if I was still sleeping with your father. I told her I hadn’t been alone with him since the day they took you home from the hospital, but she refused to believe me. You must have heard us because you toddled up behind her. Lily, she loved you. I saw it.”

  “No, Iris. She never loved me,” I argued.

  “She did. I saw it in her eyes. I saw the way you two interacted. She demanded I leave her family alone. I conceded, but I asked her to let me be in the periphery of your life. I just wanted to know you were happy. If you were happy, I could let you go.”

  “I can’t ever remember a time when I was happy or felt loved,” I admitted.

  “For a few years, seeing you in small doses was enough. I just wanted a connection to you. Over time, I grew bitter about the setup. I felt so empty without you. So, I did something that I will always regret.”

  “What did you do?” I stilled.