There was no path to follow, so he walked down the sandy dunes as best he could, his feet sinking into the sand and throwing him off balance. He walked without thinking, heading for the water. The beach was mostly empty, the sandy expanse dotted only with a handful of people, none of them paying attention to Hudson.

  He walked to the edge of the water and stopped. The waves here were bigger. The water, when it rushed toward him, moved quickly, sliding over the wet sand with an eagerness that frightened him, as if it were in search of treasures to take back to the sea. He thrust the manuscript pages out toward the breaking waves. “Here!” he shouted. “Take it!”

  He lifted his arm into the wind, ready to let go and send the pages flapping into the ocean. But his fingers refused to move. He tried to force them, but some invisible power kept his muscles frozen.

  “Take them,” he said again, but already the strength of his voice was fading. “Please,” he sobbed as he dropped to his knees. “Please take it.”

  The water came for him. He tried to fling the papers into its path, and again he couldn’t. When the edge of the wave touched his knees, he cradled the manuscript to his chest, holding it tightly until the water retreated again. Before another wave could come, he forced himself to his feet and turned back.

  I can’t, he thought. It’s been too long. I can’t let it go.

  A little girl ran in front of him, shrieking with joy as a smaller boy chased her, holding a crab in his hand and promising to drop it down the back of her shirt. They paid no attention to Hudson as he stopped to let them pass. He watched them for a moment, envious of their carelessness, then returned to his car.

  Inside, he returned the manuscript to the briefcase. Sorrow held him in its choking grip. The manuscript felt like a curse, something he could only escape if he either fulfilled his promise to Paul or passed it on to someone else. Then, maybe, he would be free of it.

  He wanted to talk to Ben. But even that had been taken from him. He hadn’t returned Ben’s calls for two days, not since leaving the house after the fight with Caddie. He knew Ben didn’t understand what had happened and couldn’t imagine that Caddie had told him the truth. She’d wanted Hudson out of the picture, and she’d gotten her wish. She wouldn’t, Hudson imagined, do anything to make herself appear to be at fault.

  Not that she was, really. She had only brought to light something that Hudson hadn’t seen before. As far as he knew, Ben was still in the dark. And maybe it was best that way. If Ben did feel something for him, it could only end badly. Like it did with Paul, he thought.

  After he’d realized that Caddie was—probably—correct, he’d asked himself if he was to blame. Had he somehow caused Ben to think that he was interested? Was he interested? He’d honestly never considered it. But forced to, he’d had to admit that he was, or at least could be. If Ben wanted it too, he thought now.

  That, he told himself, was why he had to leave. He wouldn’t put himself in that position. Not again. It had nearly killed him the first time; he didn’t think he was strong enough now. Neither is Ben, he told himself.

  His mind was made up. He would leave as soon as he could. He would go back to Yale, to Marty and the safety of his old life. But it’s not safe, he realized. It won’t be safe until you’re done with this. There was, he saw, nowhere to run. Paul’s ghost waited for him in New Haven, had followed him here. Those of Steinbeck and Ricketts were there as well. He was haunted. There was no going back and no going forward.

  He looked in the mirror and saw that the backseat was crowded with passengers, all of them watching him with dark, accusing eyes.

  “Goddamn all of you,” he muttered as he started the car. “It’s time to put an end to all of this.”

  CHAPTER 35

  “Any idea why your father is in such a bad mood?” Angela added two more flashcards to the pile already on the table.

  Caddie kept her eyes on the computer screen as she answered. “I think he’s just tired,” she said. “He hasn’t been sleeping.”

  “Well, I wish he’d take a nap,” said Angela. “He’s been a bear all day.”

  Caddie said nothing. She focused her attention on the picture of the nudibranch. She’d already identified it as Phidiana hiltoni, pleased with herself for not confusing it with the more common Hermisenda crassicornis. She was getting good at recognizing the sea slugs and could ID at least a dozen without having to look at the guidebook. Now she studied the Phidiana’s rhinophores, waiting for Angela to go away.

  “Take a look at this,” Rhodes said. He was sitting at the computer beside her and turned his monitor so that she could see it. The screen was filled with the image of a long black nudibranch. It was unlike any Caddie had ever seen, its skin speckled with white and two lines of electric orange and blue running in an hourglass shape from its wide head to its strange bisected tail.

  “Navanax inermis,” Rhodes announced. “The cannibal nudibranch. It eats the other ones. Isn’t it cool?”

  “Actually, yeah,” Caddie admitted. “It’s beautiful.”

  “You should see the other nudibranchs try to get out of its way,” said Angela. “That sucker is vicious.”

  She left the room, and Caddie looked again at the Navanax. Everything about it screamed danger, from its color to its name. Navanax, she repeated soundlessly, feeling the shape of it, long and poisonous. That’s what I feel like.

  Ever since her confrontation with Hudson, she’d been having moments of guilt. But what you said was true, she told herself. He needed to hear it. He didn’t know. It’s not your fault he ran away.

  No, it wasn’t her fault. Nonetheless, she’d wanted him to do exactly that. With Hudson out of the way, she was the focus of her father’s attention. There had been the awkward moment when he’d come downstairs from his shower and had asked where Hudson was. But she’d handled that well, she thought, telling him that Hudson had received a phone call—something to do with the house he was staying in—and had to go take care of it. Her father, unsuspecting, had accepted this explanation without questions.

  It was only later, after several calls to Hudson had gone unanswered, that he had started to change. After dinner, he went to his study, remaining there until he went to bed, often well after midnight. Although they talked, their conversations were stiff, seldom veering beyond questions about Caddie’s friends, her studies, her taste in movies. She’d tried to pique his interest by bringing up Cannery Row, but her father had talked only for a few minutes before pushing his plate away and changing the subject to something impersonal.

  Still, he was hers. For the first time in her life, she had his attention. He would forget Hudson soon enough, she told herself. Another few days, maybe a week, and he would be his old self. Then they would talk. Maybe she would ask him some of the questions she’d carried around for years, things she’d never even asked her mother.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  Rhodes’s question shook her from her thoughts. “Sure,” she said.

  “Do you have a boyfriend? Back home. In L.A.”

  Caddie looked over at him. He was peering intently at his computer screen, steadfastly avoiding meeting her gaze. “No,” she said. “I mean, sort of. Why?”

  “Just wondering,” Rhodes answered. “I figured you did.”

  Was he going to ask me out? Caddie wondered. The idea struck her as funny. Rhodes? Rhodes, with his pimples and his nervous laugh? She couldn’t even imagine.

  She thought about Brian. She’d seen him again, slept with him again, mostly because she was tired of doing it herself. And it had been okay. He’d at least gone down on her, which was more than most guys did. Still, she hadn’t come and ultimately had had to do it herself anyway when she got home. But there was still something comforting about being naked with him. He wanted her, and that was something. It was more than she got from most people. Besides, she reminded herself, if you don’t want them, they can’t hurt you.

  “Do you have a girlfriend?” she asked Rhodes, suddenly curious.

  “Define girlfriend,” he replied.

  “Well,” said Caddie, “how would you define boyfriend?”

  “In your case? Probably a guy who takes you out and pays for everything.”

  “So you think I’m a gold digger,” Caddie said. “Thanks a lot.”

  “I didn’t mean it that way,” Rhodes apologized. “I meant that whatever guy you go out with probably wants to pay for everything. Because you’re pretty,” he added.

  “I’m not sure that’s any better,” Caddie informed him. “I like to think I’m pretty and interesting.”

  Rhodes looked at her, and Caddie could tell he didn’t know if she was being serious or not. “I’m kidding,” she said. “Sort of. I really wouldn’t want to be with a guy just because he thought I was hot.”

  “I said pretty,” Rhodes corrected her. “I didn’t say hot.”

  It was Caddie’s turn to not know if he was joking. When she saw his mouth trembling as he tried to hold back a smile, though, she knew he was just trying to get to her. “You still haven’t answered my question,” she reminded him.

  “Yes,” he said. “I have a girlfriend.”

  Caddie was surprised. She hadn’t really wanted Rhodes to be asking her out, but she’d liked it better when she’d thought that he was. Now she wondered why he hadn’t been. What didn’t he like about her?

  “You thought I was asking you out,” said Rhodes.

  “I did not,” Caddie said.

  “You did,” Rhodes insisted. “And you’re mad that I wasn’t.”

  “What’s this girlfriend’s name?” Caddie asked him.

  There was a pause before Rhodes answered, “Rose.”

  Caddie turned in her chair. “What’s on your screen?” she demanded.

  “Nothing,” Rhodes said, his fingers tapping rapidly.

  Caddie got up and pushed his chair so that it rolled away from the table and he could no longer reach the keyboard. On his screen was a photo of a pink-colored nudibranch with very long papillae. At the bottom, in the space for the file name, was typed OKENIA RO.

  “Okenia rosacea!” Caddie crowed. “The Hopkin’s Rose. I thought so.” She looked at Rhodes, whose cheeks were now the same color as the nudibranch. “No one under eighty is named Rose,” she said.

  “Okay,” Rhodes said. “Then what’s your boyfriend’s name? Rufus? Baptodoris? Aldisa?” He rattled off parts of the names of several local nudibranchs.

  “Brian,” Caddie said. “And those aren’t even good tries.”

  “Rufus is a name,” Rhodes insisted.

  “For a dog,” Caddie said.

  “Well, what’s this Brian like?” asked Rhodes, miming quotes with his fingers when he said the name.

  “He works at the aquarium,” Caddie said. “He’s studying marine biology.”

  “Brian Foster?” said Rhodes. He looked at Caddie.

  “You know him?” she asked.

  “He went out with my sister, like, two years ago,” Rhodes said. “The guy’s a top-shelf a-hole.”

  Caddie felt herself getting angry. “Sounds like you’re jealous,” she said.

  Rhodes snorted. “Of Brian Cerfiss? Not even I’m that lame. Did he tell you how he volunteers saving sharks?”

  Caddie felt the skin on the back of her neck prickle. “Why would he say that?” she asked. “Does he?”

  “No,” Rhodes said. “But he tells girls he does. You know, he has this lame-ass thing he does when he works the kelp tank. He picks a girl in the audience and starts talking to her. That’s how my sister met him.” He laughed again, as if he couldn’t imagine anything more stupid.

  “It worked, though, didn’t it?” Caddie said.

  “It did with Sonia,” Rhodes agreed. “At least until she caught him a few weeks later doing the same thing with a bunch of girls visiting from Wisconsin. He just about crapped his wet suit when he saw her glaring at him through the glass.”

  “Maybe he’s changed,” said Caddie. “He’s been great to me.”

  Rhodes didn’t respond, which annoyed Caddie. He thinks I’m an idiot, she thought grimly. She hated that Rhodes—Rhodes and his pimples—was sitting there feeling, what, sorry for her? Thinking she was so desperate that she had to go out with a guy who had cheated on his sister? Either way, he thought she was a loser.

  “It’s not like I’m going to marry the guy,” she said. “We just hang out—go diving—that sort of stuff.”

  “Diving,” Rhodes repeated. “And stuff.”

  “Hey, it’s more than you and Rose do,” Caddie shot back. “Unless you mean Rosy Palm and her five sisters.” She mimicked jerking on a dick, sticking her tongue out while she did it.

  “Nice,” Rhodes said. “Looks like you know how to do that really well.”

  Caddie stood up. “Fuck you,” she said. “I’m out of here.” She walked out the door, not looking back. But even without looking, she knew that Rhodes was grinning.

  Asshole loser, she thought as she walked away. The guy can’t even invent an imaginary girlfriend, and he thinks he’s better than I am. I bet his sister’s just as foul. I bet she asked Brian out and he said no.

  By the time she reached her father’s office, she’d defended Brian to the point where she almost believed he really was a great guy. She’d even decided to call him later, see if he wanted to go to a movie or something.

  “Hey,” she said, standing in the doorway of her father’s office. He was looking at something on his desk. When he heard her, he looked up. He looked tired. “Oh,” he said. “Hi.”

  “Want to get some lunch?” Caddie asked.

  Her father looked at the clock, as if it couldn’t possibly be late enough for lunch. “I’ve got a report due this afternoon,” he said. “And I have to go through all of this.” He indicated a stack of papers sitting on the desk. “I probably shouldn’t.”

  “That’s okay,” said Caddie. “I can go by myself. Do you want me to bring you anything?”

  Her father shook his head. “No, thanks,” he said. “I’m not really hungry.” He went back to looking at the paper in front of him, but Caddie hesitated, thinking he might yet change his mind.

  “I guess I’ll see you later then,” she said when it became apparent that he really wasn’t going to come with her. He nodded absentmindedly, and she turned away, bitterness settling in her stomach.

  She left the building and walked toward the aquarium. She realized that she was half intending to go in and try to catch Brian flirting with someone else. Just as quickly, she realized that she didn’t care if he was. She wasn’t in love with him, and she could get what she wanted from him whether he was chasing after other girls or not.

  This made her think of Nicole. She did love Nick, even though he cheated on her. Caddie was at least not in that position, and because of this she considered herself smarter. Nicole was a nice girl, but Caddie would never be like her. I’m stronger than that, she told herself. I can play around with Brian and not get hurt.

  There was another advantage to keeping Brian in her life; her father still didn’t like him. He’d lectured her for a long time about how irresponsible it was of Brian to take her diving, the implication being that she was equally irresponsible for going with him. At first, she’d almost given in and allowed her father to teach her the “right” way to dive. But she’d held that back, not quite ready to give him that gift.

  Now she wouldn’t. If he wanted to pine around after Hudson, she would let him. It was no skin off her ass, as Bree would say. She didn’t care what he did. She imagined what Sam and Bree would say if she told them her father was puppy-dogging around after another guy. She sort of felt like that should freak her out, but it didn’t. She knew a lot of gay guys. Girls, too, although she was convinced that girls slept with each other mostly because guys had no clue what to do with them in bed. She had fooled around with a girl or two, just to see what it was like.

  Anyway, Sam and Bree would probably get a kick out of it. Her mother, on the other hand, would flip out. In fact, she thought, she probably could get a one-way ticket back to L.A. just by calling her mom and letting it slip that she thought her father might be going a little queer. She imagined her mother’s response and was sorely tempted.

  In the end, though, she didn’t care if her dad was gay. Not that she really thought he was. He was really more asexual; she couldn’t imagine him with anyone in that way. Not even with her mother. The two of them did not work together, that was for sure. The men her mother went out with were power broker types, men who wore suits and made deals on their cell phones during dinner at Koi. They would eat her dad up and spit him out before he knew what was happening.

  Still, she wished he would get over Hudson already. It had been long enough, and still he was walking around like a zombie. The worst part about it, she thought, was that he didn’t even know why he was doing it. He was so clueless, he probably thought he had the flu or something. She knew that if she told him the real reason he was being so moody, he wouldn’t believe her. He was incapable of it, she was certain of it. He gets more excited about a sea slug than he does about sex, she thought. He probably doesn’t even jerk off.

  She was walking so quickly that she didn’t even notice Brian calling to her. It wasn’t until he was in front of her, waving his hand in her face, that she saw him.

  “You must have something on your mind,” he said. “I’ve been calling to you for half a block.”

  “Sorry,” Caddie said. “I was just thinking. What are you doing?”

  “Lunch,” said Brian. “How about you?”

  “Lunch,” Caddie told him.

  Brian took her hand. “Great,” he said. “We can go together.”

  Caddie didn’t particularly want to hold hands. It made her feel like a little kid, as if she were crossing a dangerous street and needed looking after. She almost told Brian to let go. But then she saw Hudson. He was walking toward them, and he’d seen her. She tightened her grip on Brian’s hand and fixed a smile on her face.