“Not fucking,” he said softly. “Not this time.”

  He was right, but she wouldn’t admit it. She wasn’t ready to do that. She couldn’t.

  But the way her body was responding she was afraid she’d confess to anything, truth or not.

  His movements became jerkier now, as if he was struggling to control everything.

  “Make me come,” she said.

  He increased the speed more, thrusting harder and deeper.

  “My name,” he said again.

  “Alex,” she screamed as she came. “Alex. Alex. Alex.”

  She couldn’t stop saying it. It didn’t seem he cared either.

  He was pounding into her like never before until he grunted a few times and just flopped down, his weight uncomfortable but not unwanted.

  22

  Nearly Ready

  Alex wasn’t sure what had come over him last night.

  More like what came over him all day long.

  From the conversations he’d had with his family and Griffin, to the dances with Jennie and holding her hand for all to see.

  He’d never kissed her at a function like this and wasn’t there just yet, but his relationship with Jennie was obvious to all.

  What he wasn’t sure of was how obvious it was to Jennie.

  And last night, he wanted to tell her how he felt. He wanted her to say it too.

  But something told him she wasn’t nearly ready for it.

  So he settled at making sure she knew who she was with in bed. That it wasn’t the guy she joked about putting in a calendar or worrying about the women he might have had in his past, but the man that was her boyfriend.

  He was a master at keeping his feelings to himself. At keeping it all locked in. What was a little longer if he could make tiny steps like last night?

  He let out a sigh and realized he was in bed alone. He listened and heard the water running in the bathroom and threw the covers back.

  A morning shower together might hit the spot.

  He opened the door and heard humming and thought that was funny. He didn’t see her as the type to sing in the shower. He hoped it had to do with him making her feel as if she could.

  He dropped his underwear and slid in behind her. It seemed as if she had no idea he was here.

  But the minute his hands went to slip around her waist, she screamed and swung her arm, her fist closed and connected with his chin. He saw stars for a second and swore.

  “Shit,” she screamed. “What the fuck are you doing sneaking up on me like that?”

  “What are you pissed about?” he asked, grabbing his jaw. “You just cold cocked me.”

  She turned and shut the water off. “You shouldn’t sneak up on a person,” she yelled at him again. There was true anger in her right now. Like the kind when he pulled her out of the house months ago. He’d caught her unaware and she’d done the same thing. Stupid of him not to realize that.

  “I didn’t think sharing a morning shower was going to result in getting decked. Damn, you’ve got a mean right hook.”

  She grabbed a towel and wrapped it around herself, looked at his face that he was checking at in the mirror. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly.

  He looked over and noticed she was pale and appeared as if she was either going to pass out or throw up.

  “Sit down,” he said, pushing her onto the toilet lid. “What’s going on?”

  “My heart is racing. It won’t stop.”

  He grabbed her wrist. “Damn it. I’m sorry. I didn’t think I was going to scare you like that. Take a deep breath. Slowly,” he said. “Let it out. Now do it again and hold it, let it out.”

  Her pulse was coming down but not as much as he would have liked. “I think I’m fine.”

  “I’m not so sure.”

  “It’s a panic attack,” she said.

  “What?” he asked. He had no clue she got them. “What is going on? From me scaring you?”

  He thought back now and realized she’d done the same thing that day he’d pulled her out. He saw her on the ground with her head between her knees, breathing in and out. As if she knew what she needed to do to calm herself down.

  “Something like that,” she said.

  No way she was going to clam up on him. “We need to talk about this. I want to know what caused it. I can’t believe joining you in the shower did it. You did the same thing when I grabbed your arm months ago.”

  “I don’t like being taken unaware.”

  “I noticed that. But your reaction was excessive. Why?”

  She let out a sigh. “It goes back a long way.”

  And made him wonder if it had to do with her parents. The childhood she never seemed to want to talk about and he decided that it might be the time to force her.

  “I’d like to know,” he said.

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” she said, taking another deep breath and releasing it. “But it’s probably a good idea if you know. I’ve learned in life I don’t always get what I want. I can now but know when I need to man up and do things I don’t want to too.”

  Which told him he wasn’t going to like anything he was about to hear but knew he needed to.

  “Can you stand?” he asked. “Or do you want me to carry you to the bed to lie down? I want to shower and get some ice on my jaw but don’t want to worry about you falling.”

  “I’m fine,” she said, standing up. She seemed steady on her feet. “Get in the shower and I’ll get you some ice in a minute.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I am,” she said. “Trust me on this. I know what I’m feeling. I’ve felt it enough in my life.”

  He had to take her word for it. He turned the shower on while she grabbed another towel and wrapped it around her head, then left to go into the bedroom.

  When he went into the kitchen ten minutes later, Jennie had two cups of coffee on the counter and a bag with ice in it that she handed over.

  “I hope this doesn’t bruise. It’s not going to go over well if I have to explain how I got it. I’m not sure what would be worse, the busting I’d get or the talk from your brother wondering what would have caused you to hit me.”

  “He doesn’t need to know. It’s not that bad anyway. I can give you some cover-up if you want.”

  He snorted. “I’m not wearing makeup. Do you want to tell me what caused you to do this to me?”

  She took a deep breath. “I don’t even know where to start.”

  “Go back to your parents,” he said. “I’m taking a wild guess they are tied together.”

  She picked her coffee up and took a sip. “A psychologist would have a field day with me. Yeah, they are tied together.”

  “I’m your boyfriend and I want to understand, Jennie. I can’t if you don’t tell me and I sure the hell don’t want to ask your brother, but if I think I need to know to help you, then I will.”

  “I don’t doubt it. I’m just going to say it. My father murdered my mother. That’s how she died. That’s how he ended up in prison.”

  His mouth opened and closed. That wasn’t at all what he thought she’d say. “And there was no other family you could go with at that time, you said?”

  “No,” she said. “There was no one around. Not even friends of the family. Neighbors. Nothing. My father was a drunk and abuser. I don’t even know the number of times the police were called to our house for domestic violence. He didn’t just hit my mother but Griffin and me too. Griffin got the worst of it as he got older.”

  There was part of him that wasn’t surprised to hear that about Griffin. That he’d take the beatings in their place. “I get the feeling your brother would fight back.”

  “He did. As he got older and bigger and could. He was trying to get my mother to leave. He said he’d take care of us. My mother was afraid. My father had said a number of times he’d kill her if she left. He’d find her and kill her and then kill us.”

  Alex ran his hand over his face, the pain of his jaw gone.

  “No one could help you guys?”

  “It’s hard to get help when you say you don’t need it,” she said. “We lived in fear. Teachers knew. Neighbors knew. There wasn’t enough help though.”

  “So your father hit you?” he asked.

  “Beat,” she said. “Know the difference. It started with pushes and slaps and moved on to other things. Most of the bruises were hidden and when Griffin realized what was going on, he’d pick fights with my father to get the attention off of me. We lived in a house where you walked on eggs and if you cracked one let alone broke it, you better hide and hide good.”

  “What happened the day your mother died?” he asked. “Can you talk about that?”

  “I’ve said it enough that it’s not hard. It’s more like a story at this point. I came home from school. I was walking. I saw the police cars in front of the house when I turned the corner. Griffin must have been watching for me. I was ten, he was seventeen. I started to run toward the house and he was running toward me, picked me up and turned me and then went in the other direction. I knew right away it wasn’t good, but he wasn’t saying what happened.”

  “He didn’t tell you right away?”

  “I asked if it was Mom and he said Dad couldn’t hurt Mom anymore. I thought my father was the one that was going away. I hadn’t realized it until he choked the words out that my father had killed her. I’m not going to go into details on what that day felt like. I relive it a lot and it’s all the same. Griffin told me he’d be there for me. That he’d take care of me.”

  Alex moved closer to her and pulled her into his arms. He had no idea the extent of what she’d gone through and had to live with. “I’m sure he tried.”

  “He did what he could. But then he didn’t come back,” she said.

  They’d gone through this before and there was no reason to do it again. She wouldn’t want to hear what he had to say and he wasn’t sure he could put himself in Griffin’s shoes.

  To know that at seventeen he’d sworn to protect his mother and sister and his mother died, his sister taken from him. To an impressionable teen that had to be one of the biggest shots to his masculinity. Knowing that you failed those closest to you.

  “And you know why,” he said. “You never said how you two got back in contact.”

  “I found him,” she said. “I looked for years and couldn’t find him. No sign of him and I refused to give up hope, but then I just stopped. Last year I got a letter from my father in prison. He was dying of cancer and thought he could reach out and tell me he was sorry.”

  “You’re joking?” he asked.

  “No. I ignored it. But another one came and I thought, maybe I should see if I could find Griffin again. I did this time, on the casino website. I just showed up at the casino. I went to the front desk and asked for Griffin and then realized nope, I can’t do it. I turned to leave and there was Janet Bond. I had given my name and she wasn’t letting me leave.”

  “Sounds like Janet. Griffin had no idea?”

  “No. It was probably the best decision I ever made, but damn it was hard to do it too.”

  “It shows your strength. Don’t you forget that.” He took a deep breath. “Were you abused in foster care, Jennie?”

  He had to know that. He wasn’t sure if she’d tell him, but he’d like to believe he could tell if she was telling him the truth.

  “Not physically. Mentally, there is always some kind of abuse. You can’t stop that. You just have to live with it. You have to lock it away and hope you can make it out and be on your own. You know life won’t be any easier but at least you can make your own decisions as an adult.”

  “And you have,” he said.

  “That’s right,” she said. “I have. I’m going to continue to. I’ve gotten this far on my own and I can continue to.”

  “But there isn’t any reason for you to do that anymore.”

  She looked at him and moved out of his arms. “I’ve got a temper.”

  “I’ve seen,” he said. “It stands to reason considering what you lived with. I’m sorry that I made you remember it by being careless with my actions.”

  He knew now that sneaking up on her was wrong. She might have felt like her father finding her when she’d made that comment about having to hide and hide well.

  “It doesn’t have to do with my childhood that I reacted that way,” she said.

  He frowned. “How is that?”

  “Well, some of it does. The other part is someone I dated.”

  “You were in an abusive relationship?”

  He knew there were statistics on that, but he didn’t think she’d be one to fall in that category.

  “Again, not like you think. I don’t tell everyone my past. It’s none of their business. I never hid the fact I was in foster care though.”

  “Then tell me what it was if it’s not like I think because I’m not sure what to think.”

  “I was dating someone for about six months. We’d yell at each other when we didn’t agree. I guess we fought a lot. He had a temper and I did too, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. We got along well enough. People fight. I’ve seen that most of my life and maybe I thought that was normal.”

  He held back saying she didn’t see the healthy kind of fighting though. There was no reason to say that.

  “They do. But they don’t always scream and yell and definitely don’t throw punches.”

  Her eyes started to fill and that bothered him more than he could explain. “I know.”

  “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”

  “But the truth. The temper is there. My father had a horrible one.”

  “I’ve only seen you lose it twice, Jennie, and both times many would say you were justified in your reaction. You were abused and your fight or flight mode kicked in. You’re a fighter like your brother. No one would question that.”

  “I don’t always feel I have control over it though and that is the scary part. The guy I was dating a few years ago, we’d gotten in a fight over something stupid. I don’t even know what and it doesn’t matter. He shoved me and I pushed him back and went to leave.”

  “I’m glad to know you won’t take shit from anyone.”

  “No,” she said. “I won’t. I don’t know how many times I have to tell Griffin that. Or anyone for that matter.”

  “It’s not a bad trait to have.”

  “It is if you aren’t sure if it’s controlling your life or not.”

  “I don’t think it is.”

  “I don’t know that though. I went to walk away and he grabbed my arm and yanked me back. I had a flash of my father in my face doing that to my mother. Doing it to me. I always wondered why she didn’t fight back. Why I didn’t either.”

  “You were a kid,” he said softly. “There was no fighting back and winning.”

  “I know that now. My mother probably did too. My father was a big guy. But once my arm was grabbed I just reacted and sucker punched him.”

  “That’s not a sucker punch,” he said, rubbing his jaw. “And you’ve got a mean right hook.”

  “Fueled by my temper. Alex, I’m my father’s daughter. I don’t know if I’m like him or not. I don’t know if I have it in me to control this. What if I snap and do that to someone? I did it twice to you now. I did it to my ex once. Women can be abusers too.”

  He wanted to laugh at that statement but knew he couldn’t. She was speaking the truth that women did abuse men and children also.

  “They are, but you aren’t. I’m not saying you are wrong to feel what you do. Or to react the way you did. If some strange guy came up to you somewhere and grabbed your arm, I’d want you to do the same thing back.”

  “So would Griffin. It doesn’t make it right.”

  “It doesn’t make it wrong when you fear you are going to be overpowered. It’s not like you are trying to kill someone, Jennie. You are fighting back to get away, right?”

  “Yeah. I just wanted to get away. I want to get away from all of this and it doesn’t seem to want to let me.”

  He pulled her in his arms and let her cry it out because he had no choice in the matter. Nothing he could say right now would help her and it was a shitty feeling to have.

  23

  On My Own

  A week had gone by since Alex and Jennie had talked. She was still feeling raw from letting everything out.

  Talking hadn’t made her feel better, but at least Alex knew where she stood.

  Until she could get control of her actions and feelings—to not do something in fear and then have a panic attack when she realized the hands in front of her weren’t her father’s—then she couldn’t let someone else into her life.

  She knew Alex was hurt over that, but she’d told him the truth.

  She wanted to be with him. She enjoyed his company. They were going to be exclusive.

  But she couldn’t give him more until she could get past her own issues.

  The question was how that was going to happen when she’d been dealing with this for years. Obviously she still had problems.

  “Morning, Jennie.”

  She turned to see Bode’s fiancée, Sam Cartwright, standing in the doorway. “Morning.”

  Sam walked in and sat in front of her desk. She didn’t talk to Sam all that much because Sam was always so busy and there were things going on with the retirement community that she was checking on, changes being made or tweaked that Sam had to approve as one of the three engineers employed. Not to mention all the other projects and properties Bond Realty owned.

  Jennie was employed by Bond Realty, not just Bond Retirement Community since it fell under the umbrella of the whole Bond organization for the branch. She might have her education in business, but she didn’t even know how that legally worked other than the retirement community had its own set of books and that was all she had access to.

  “How do you like working here?” Sam asked. “I haven’t had a chance to come in and talk to you much and I’m sorry for that.”

  “That’s fine,” she said. She’d actually been employed here longer than Sam who started in January after her engagement to Bode. “I know you’ve been busy. We all are. But I love it. Drew and Bode are so easy to work for. Even when many say Bode isn’t.”