“Jennie,” he said again.

  “Jennie,” Lizzie said sarcastically. “Everyone knows Eli. She was laughing with you two. As if he liked her. Accepted her into the family. You never brought me around any of your cousins before. You never wanted me near them.”

  “For a reason,” he said. “You only wanted to meet them for what they could give you in life. It wasn’t as if you wanted to meet my family because we were together. Once you found out I wasn’t one of the wealthy Bonds you figured you’d use me as a stepping stone to nab one of my rich cousins. You always had a motive and an agenda.”

  “I deserved better than you,” Lizzie said.

  “I wasn’t good enough for you back then and now I’ve got someone and you can’t stand it. So the reason you wanted to hurt Jennie is you’re jealous? That you are so petty that one night out you see me and your jealousy took over again? You can’t stand to know that she is getting the treatment that you thought you’d get? That’s it? That is what this is about?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Lizzie said. “You’re still a nobody in the family. Though your girlfriend has a nice place, so she must have something. Looks to me like you’re the one stepping up or trying to. Maybe that is what you were trying to do with me all along.”

  He shook his head. There was no reason to tell her who Jennie was. It wouldn’t change a thing.

  He decided to do what he did years ago. “Stay away from me. You don’t know who you’re dealing with. You made a stupid false statement to Jennie about my family, but the truth is, money or not, I could make your life hell too. I won’t because you’re not worth it.”

  He walked off the porch and got into his truck and drove home to drink. Now he’d have to figure out how to fix things with Jennie.

  38

  Under Control

  “Where’s Alex?” Griffin asked Jennie on Sunday, two days later.

  “What?” she asked.

  “Alex,” Griffin said. “I thought he’d be here to help me get this bike in the house.”

  Griffin had just pulled in with it in the back of a truck and she’d gone outside to meet him in the driveway. She had no idea whose truck that was and didn’t care. It probably was part of the casino.

  “He’s doing something today,” she said.

  She couldn’t very well lie and say she had no idea where Alex was. That they hadn’t talked yesterday. Not since she’d told him to leave on Friday night.

  Her and her stupid temper. She’d been damn close to picking something up and throwing it but had stopped herself. The last thing she wanted to do was lose it in front of him again when she finally thought she was getting it all under control.

  If she didn’t hear from him by this afternoon, she was going to reach out. It was the least she could do.

  Maybe she was wrong to react the way she had, but she believed in what she’d said. That he should have told her. That he was keeping it from her. Or at least not being honest when she’d brought it up before that she felt like he was putting on a front for people.

  “Guess it’s just me,” Griffin said.

  “I’ll help you bring that in,” she said.

  “I can do it,” Griffin said.

  “I know you can, but I’m going to help you. The least I can do is steady it if you won’t let me pick it up.”

  “You’re not picking it up,” Griffin said firmly. “I’ve got a dolly to put it on anyway.”

  She stood back and let him do what he needed, just following his directions and holding things in place for him. Twenty minutes later the bike was in the house.

  “I was thinking of putting it in the office. There is enough room there for it.”

  “That’s a good spot,” Griffin said.

  She got a garbage bag and helped him break the box down and take everything out. “Where’s Penelope today?”

  “She went to visit Emily with Alexa.”

  “How is Emily doing?”

  “Getting big and uncomfortable. She’s been working from home now. I think she has a month before the twins are due, but no one thinks she’s going to make it.”

  “I can’t imagine,” she said. “Can I get you something to eat or drink?”

  “I’m good,” Griffin said.

  Jennie started to pull everything out of the room that he didn’t need to give him space. Then she stayed there to help, but the silence was starting to get to her.

  Enough people had told her in the past she should talk to Griffin. That she should tell him what she’d gone through or what she was feeling. That he probably went through the same.

  If she hadn’t gotten into the fight with Alex, she might have kept it in, but now she couldn’t be the hypocrite she called him. She was going to have to deal with some of her issues and she’d never be able to if she wasn’t honest with her brother.

  “Did you ever worry that you might be like Dad?” she asked.

  Griffin looked up suddenly. “What?”

  “I probably didn’t phrase that right. I know you’re nothing like Dad. Anyone who knows you realizes that.”

  He sighed. “Why are you asking me this?”

  “Never mind,” she said. “It’s nothing.”

  “It is something. I’ll answer you, but I need to know why.”

  “I’m not sure if I can explain it.”

  “Then we’ll just talk,” Griffin said. “The answer is yes. For years, I wondered if I had his genes in me. No, I’d never do what he did. I’d never hit a woman. I don’t drink like he did. I had in the past. I’ve been violent too.”

  It was the first she’d heard this. “In the service?”

  “Yes.”

  “That was your job,” she argued.

  “There is more to it. More you don’t need to know. I’d seen and experienced things in the war that change a person. When I tell you if it wasn’t for Penelope that I might still be lost in that world, it’s the truth.”

  Maybe her brother did understand. Or would. “I feel that way about Alex at times. I know you weren’t thrilled when we started dating, but he’s not like you think.”

  “I know he’s not. He’s not a bad guy. I will always think there isn’t someone out there good enough for you, but I didn’t do all that great of a job being there in your life either.”

  “We both had things we had to overcome,” she said. “I know that now.”

  “What things did you have?”

  He was still putting her bike together, but paying attention to her while he talked. “I’ve got a temper,” she said.

  “You did as a kid. I’ve seen it as an adult. Is that why you are talking about this? Do you honestly think that makes you act like Dad?”

  “At times it did,” she said. “When I’m pushed, I fight.”

  “Physically fight?” Griffin asked, stopping what he was doing.

  “As a kid I’d push back if someone pushed me. I learned it didn’t work in my favor. As an adult I just have a short trigger. I hit Alex when he pulled me out of the fire.”

  “Reaction to being startled during a crisis,” Griffin said. “That’s not fighting, Jennie. Why do you think that is the same thing?”

  “Alex said that too.”

  Griffin frowned. “You’ve talked to him about this?”

  “I have.” Her voice hitched a bit and she swallowed and took a deep breath. “I told him some of my fears. We were getting close and I wanted him to know.”

  Griffin nodded and sat back to pay more attention to her. “Tell me your fears.”

  “It’s hard,” she said, the tears in her eyes. “I don’t like to talk about it, but I know I should. I didn’t as a kid and it festered. I did write it in journals though.”

  “And that helped?”

  “At first, no. But then Carrie helped me do it more. I’ve got notebooks of things I wanted to say to you and couldn’t.”

  “You can tell me anything, Jennie,” he said softly. “I know I failed you.”

  “You didn’t,” she said, sniffling. “Dad failed us. Not you. Not even Mom. And trust me, over the years I wondered why she took it. Why she didn’t fight back.”

  “Don’t beat yourself up over that. Mom did what she could to protect us. There are things you don’t know and won’t know. She lived in fear. Fear in our eyes was different than the fear in hers. The end was exactly what she always worried about.”

  “I realize that now. Fighting back would have done nothing but make it worse.”

  “She’d fought back,” Griffin said. “And it did make it worse. I wanted to get her out of there. I planned on doing it when I graduated. I think Dad knew that. I think he found out.”

  “What?” she asked.

  “I don’t know for sure, but Mom and I had been talking. I was going to go get a job when I graduated in a few months. I wasn’t leaving the house and you two in it with him, but Dad didn’t want me there when I was out of school. I planned to find a place for the three of us.”

  “I had no idea,” she said.

  “You wouldn’t have. I’ll always have to live with the fact that he found that out and that is why he went back that day when no one was home to stop him and did what he could. She fought back, Jennie. I don’t know if you know that, but she tried to fight back that day. I think that is what put him in a rage.”

  She hadn’t known. No one gave her those details and she hadn’t thought to look into it when she was an adult. It wouldn’t have changed a thing.

  But having this conversation with Griffin made her realize there was so much more he’d had to live with that she had no clue. “Why didn’t you say anything about that? That you lived with wondering if that is what drove him into that rage?”

  “Why burden you? It was my cross to bear. I had to live with it.”

  “Per your wife, it didn’t seem as if you were doing that great of a job of it.”

  Griffin let out a laugh. “No. Eli will tell you that too. Even Penelope doesn’t know what I just told you. I’m not sure I would have ever said it if you didn’t start this, but I get the feeling you’re struggling. I don’t want you to. I want you to know that there are parts of Mom in both of us that outweigh Dad. We aren’t him and never will be. We can’t let what he did hold us back. Then he wins in the end and there is no way I’m letting that bastard win anymore.”

  Jennie started to cry. It was exactly what she needed to hear and couldn’t believe she’d held this all in for years.

  She’d even thought she’d let Griffin read her journals and realized that she didn’t need to do that. He didn’t need anything else on his shoulders.

  They just had to be there for each other and they’d get through. They both were now.

  “Shit,” Griffin said, getting up and moving toward her. “I didn’t want you to cry like this.”

  “I needed to,” she said. “I needed to hear everything you said. Not before now either.”

  “There is something about those freaking Bond family members that know how to heal us,” Griffin said, laughing. “Just don’t tell them I admitted it.”

  “I won’t,” she said.

  39

  Lose My Nerve

  Alex heard the knocking and grunted, then grabbed his head and rolled over to look at the clock. It was only two in the afternoon, but he hadn’t gotten home until almost ten this morning and was exhausted.

  He threw the covers back, found a pair of shorts and went to see who was pounding on his door as if they wanted to break it in.

  “Jennie,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

  “Wow. You look like hell,” she said. “Is this a bad time?”

  “I was sleeping,” he said. She was staring at him as if he’d grown two heads. “I worked last night. They needed someone to fill in at the other station. There are only so many captains that can do it and I was available. We had a couple of calls and one of them was during the shift change so I couldn’t leave until we were back and the paperwork done.”

  “I had no idea,” she said.

  “You wouldn’t know. We haven’t talked.” He shouldn’t have been sarcastic, but he couldn’t keep the tone from his voice.

  “Maybe I should come back later,” she said.

  “No,” he said, sighing. “We need to talk and I can’t go through another night of beer.”

  He ran his hand through his hair and knew it was sticking up everywhere. There was more than a five o’clock shadow on his face too.

  What he needed was coffee and a shower but didn’t want to leave her presence without finding out what was going on.

  “You got drunk?” she asked.

  “Friday night wasn’t the best,” he said. “Come in. I need some coffee though.”

  She walked past him and into the kitchen. He looked around and saw all the empties on the counter, dishes in the sink. The place was a mess. His brother Jarrett was right: he could be a slob if he didn’t know someone was coming.

  “Why don’t you go take a shower and clear your head. I’ll make you coffee.”

  He debated for a minute and said, “You’re not going to leave?”

  “No,” she said. “I’m staying. I’m not leaving. I don’t want you to think that.”

  She moved closer to him and gave him a light kiss on the cheek. That was something at least.

  “Thanks,” he said. “I could use the shower. I’ll be quick.”

  He went to his room and grabbed some clothes, then to the bathroom and turned the hot water on.

  He’d planned on reaching out to her today. He wasn’t going to be stupid and let days go by. They had to work this out and he had to apologize for not being honest with her.

  She’d been right. He’d pushed her to talk about her past and he kept his closed up. He wouldn’t make that mistake again.

  He pulled the curtain back and got under the hot spray. It felt good but not enough to wake him up. After he was done cleaning up, he shut the hot water off and stood under the cold for a minute. Now that did the trick.

  When he opened the bathroom door he smelled the coffee and something else.

  “Did you make me breakfast?” he asked.

  “Toast and eggs. You don’t have much else.”

  “It’s more than I would have done,” he said, reaching for the coffee. “Thanks. I would have made a sandwich at this point in the day.”

  “I thought of it, but I figured something warm would be better. Sit and eat. I’ll talk. I want to go first before I lose my nerve.”

  “Don’t lose your nerve. I was going to come see you today. I didn’t yesterday because I figured we both needed a day to ourselves.”

  She nodded her head. “I’m not going to lose my nerve. I’m sorry I reacted the way I had. I’ve thought of it and you are entitled to have things like that in your past.”

  “I am,” he said, eating. The eggs were going down well with the coffee. He was surprised by that, but maybe it had to do with knowing they could get through this and not stressing that he’d thrown it away.

  “You could have at some point just said that you had trust issues or something. I would have let it drop. I wouldn’t have pried.”

  “I believe that,” he said. Which was another thing he was beating himself up over. If there was anyone on the face of this earth that would have understood his need to take his time to talk, it was Jennie.

  “I was more upset that there was something there. Something so big when you’ve had time to at least bring it up. Or an opportunity to.”

  “You’re right,” he said. “I have. My excuse is I was embarrassed, for one. I was hurt, for another. I wanted that child, Jennie.”

  His voice had dropped and she was staring into his eyes. “I’m sure you did. I’ve seen how good you are with the kids you are around. You’re meant to be a father. You’ll be a great one someday too.”

  He smiled softly. “I will be. I hope I get that chance. I hope I can get it with you.”

  Her eyes got a little misty and he wasn’t sure the cause. “Me too,” she said and he let out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding in. “But we have to get past so many other things first.”

  “We will,” he said confidently. “I did something when I left you on Friday that I should have done a long time ago.”

  “What’s that?” she asked.

  “I went to find Lizzie and ask what the fuck she was doing and why. Then I realized it didn’t matter in the end, but I couldn’t put any of this past me until I found out.”

  “She was jealous,” she said.

  “How do you know?” he asked.

  “Because that is normally a woman’s motivation,” she said. “I’m not that way. I never will be, but I’ve been around enough people in my life, Alex. Women. They cause trouble when they think they’ve been wronged.”

  “You’re smarter than I give you credit for,” he said.

  “I’m going to remind you of that statement in the future.”

  He laughed at her. “I’m sure you will.”

  “Did you find Lizzie?”

  “I did. I knew where her parents’ house was and went there. I knocked on the door and she was standing there smirking at me.” He wasn’t going to go into all the details. Some of it didn’t need to be said. “She was jealous seeing Eli joking with you when I never introduced her to any of my cousins because I knew she was a gold digger.”

  “You’re joking,” she said, her hands on her hips. “I wish I’d known that before. I’d have given her a piece of my mind and tell her the way it is.”

  He laughed. “I’d love to see it, but people like her aren’t worth it. You’re worth it. And that is why I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. You’re right. I had the opportunity to and didn’t. Sometimes it’s hard to admit things that hurt us in life.”

  “I know that first hand,” she said. “Griffin came over this morning to put my bike together. I didn’t tell him about our fight. I wouldn’t. But we talked. I realized that I was wrong and that you’d said it before, that I need to talk to him. I’ve had all these fears in my life and I was never going to be able to move past them if I couldn’t face them.”