“Oh, Randy. You disappoint me.” Which was an understatement.

  “I know,” he said. “And I’m going to have to disappoint you even more. Because now that you know my secret I can’t possibly let you go home and blab about it to Odelia.”

  “I won’t,” she said immediately, suddenly realizing the predicament she was in. “I won’t tell her—I won’t tell anyone!”

  “Yeah, you will.” He gestured to Jerry. “Lock her up, Jer.”

  “Lock her up? But boss!”

  “Just until I figure out what to do with her.”

  “Randy, you don’t have to do this,” said Marge, retreating in the direction of the basement stairs.

  “I’m sorry, Marge. I like you. I really do. But this is business. My only way out of the hole I’ve dug myself into. You understand.”

  And just when she turned to try and make her getaway, she bumped into a large unmovable object in the form of Johnny.

  “I’m sorry, too, Marge,” said Johnny, and pointed to the back of the basement, where a small room was located, crudely constructed from large cinder blocks. Moments later she was locked up inside, and as she sank down onto the stone floor, she wondered how she’d managed to get herself into this mess.

  40

  “So… you’re telling me that the NYPD lab couldn’t find any trace of a toxin in the man’s blood,” said Alec.

  “Nope. Not a single trace,” said Chase Kingsley, his deputy.

  Both men were in Alec’s office at the police station, the Chief behind his desk, and Chase in front of it.

  “Mh,” said the Chief. “Weird.”

  “And they also checked out that video, and the conclusion was that it was sent from Randy’s computer. Now to be absolutely sure they’d need access to his PC, which they didn’t have, but I think it’s safe to say that either these are some ingenious hackers, or…”

  “Or the person sending that video sent it from the man’s own computer.” Alec thought for a moment. “You know, in my experience sometimes the most straightforward answer is the right answer. So either we decide that these are extremely clever assailants, so clever they can inject a toxin into Randy Hancock’s blood that is undetectable even to the smartest minds at the NYPD, or…”

  “Or no poison was ever injected.”

  The cops shared a look pregnant with meaning, then Alec said, “I think it’s time we took a closer look at this Hancock character. What exactly do we know about him?”

  “We know he’s broke,” said Chase, consulting his notebook. “We also know he’s an addict, and has wasted his entire fortune on drugs and a series of flings. And we know he’s up to his eyeballs in debt—and not to the banks but to some very nasty loan sharks.”

  “So it would probably be a lot safer for him at your place than at his own house right now,” said the Chief.

  “You don’t think he set this whole thing up, do you? To get away from the people he owes money to?”

  “Could be,” said Alec. “I mean, these loan sharks don’t kid around. They’re into the moneylending business, but also in the breaking-your-arm business if you don’t pay up. So rather than having his arm busted, I guess he figured he’d lie low for a while.”

  “Not having to pay a dime in hotel bills or food bills,” said Chase, starting to get a little hot under the collar when he thought about the deviousness of the man’s scheme.

  “Look, we don’t know for sure that this is the case, but I think it’s high time I had a little chat with the guy. He’s still at your place, right?”

  “Yep. And he’s told us that he doesn’t want to talk to the police, cause these bad people injecting that nonexistent poison wouldn’t like it.”

  “Clever guy,” said Alec with a grin, and got up. “Let’s go over there now,” he suggested. “The sooner we get this thing sorted out the better. I don’t like the idea of a character like Hancock staying with you guys.”

  “Or seducing your sister,” said Chase with a meaningful glance at his boss.

  “What?!”

  “Yeah, I caught the two of them last night. Not a pretty picture, Chief.”

  “Let’s get the bastard,” said the Chief, gritting his teeth.

  Gran was just returning from Vena with an irate Harriet neatly strapped in the front seat of the car when she happened to pass by the newly opened pet shop on O’Sullivan Street and saw Max and Dooley and no less than three dogs staring at the store window.

  “Look,” she said. “It’s Max and Dooley and Randy’s dog. Wonder what they’re up to.”

  And since she was just as curious sometimes as her cats were, she decided to park the car and take a closer look at what was going on.

  By the time she arrived there, though, both cats and dogs were gone, and so she tried the door—as one does—and found it unlocked. So she darted a glance at Harriet, who shrugged, and they pushed inside the store.

  Tex Poole, having driven around a little aimlessly for the past hour, found himself wondering where to go next. He couldn’t go home and face his wife having an intimate dinner with Randy, but he didn’t know where else to go. He’d never really had a serious fight with Marge—not serious enough at least that he’d have to go and stay at a hotel—but that was what it now looked like.

  And he was just wondering if maybe he should sleep at his office instead, while he thought things through, when he happened to pass by that new pet shop on O’Sullivan Street, and saw Vesta and Harriet walk into the store. Wondering what the hell she was up to, and deciding that maybe now was a good time to tell her she was fired from her job as receptionist, he parked his car behind his mother-in-law’s, and got out.

  Walking up to the store, he soon discovered the door was unlocked, so he pushed right on in. Under normal circumstances he would never confront Vesta like this, but he was in the frame of mind of a man scorned, and frankly he needed to unload, and Vesta seemed as good a person to unload on as any.

  Chase and Alec were driving in Alec’s squad car on their way to the house, ready to give Randy Hancock the kind of grilling he’d probably never before received in his life. Alec especially was particularly incensed that this lowlife fitness trainer would dare to lay his hands on his sister, and was simmering gently all through the drive.

  And they were just passing by that new pet store on O’Sullivan Street when he happened to see none other than Tex walk into the store.

  “Look, it’s Tex,” he said. “I wonder what he’s up to.”

  “Probably buying a gift for Marge,” said Chase. “Hoping to win her back from Ran-Ran.”

  “You know what? I think we need to talk to Tex,” said Alec, and wrenched the wheel to park right behind the Doc’s car. It was only then that he saw Vesta’s car parked in front of Tex’s, and was starting to wonder if some kind of convention was happening.

  “Talk to him about what?” asked Chase.

  “I think it’s time Tex knew what’s going on between Marge and Randy,” Alec grunted and got out of the car. And then both cops were hurrying across the road, and moments later found themselves inside the pet shop, wondering where Tex had gone off to.

  41

  When we entered that pet shop I thought for a moment we’d walked into a different world: there were pets all around us—which probably is a given since we were in a pet shop—and all of them were staring at us in dismay, as if surprised to see pets walk into their midst… without being inside a cage or (in the case of the goldfish) a fish tank.

  “What are you guys doing here?” asked a gerbil.

  “Oh, just looking around,” I said. “A friend of ours has gone missing, and we have reason to believe he might be in here somewhere.”

  “What does he look like, this friend of yours?” asked the gerbil.

  “Well, he’s black and built pretty butch,” I said.

  “And he’s a cat,” Lil Ran added helpfully.

  The gerbil visibly stiffened. “We don’t have any cats around here, I’m afraid. Or dogs. This is a store where only small pets are sold, not big guys like you.”

  “I’m not a big guy,” said Fifi. “I’m small and I’m a girl.”

  “You know what I mean,” said the gerbil with a shrug.

  A parrot piped up, “We don’t like cats in here, cat. Because cats always cause all kinds of trouble. And we like things nice and quiet. So if I were you I’d beat it.”

  “Not very friendly, are they?” said Dooley quietly.

  “Cats aren’t always welcome everywhere,” I told him.

  “If you’ve come to see the turtles,” said a snake, making a slight hissing sound as she spoke, “they’re downstairs. But be prepared, there are a lot of them. Or so I’ve heard.”

  “Yeah, I saw the turtles,” I said. “But why are there so many of them?”

  “That I can’t tell you,” said the snake.

  “Oh, I know!” said a sad-looking bird with some very nice plumage. “The guy who owns the store is looking to sell them. Claims he can net millions for them. Millions!”

  “And who owns the store?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer: Jerry and Johnny.

  “I don’t know his name. The two guys who work at the store always call him boss. He’s downstairs now, though, if you want to say hi. Short guy with a lot of frizzy hair on top of his head. He just arrived with some blond babe.”

  We all stared at the bird. “You’re not referring to Randy Hancock, surely?” I said.

  “Like I said, I don’t know his name, but I recognized his voice. He’s been on the phone about a million times since I arrived, and he’s always asking about the turtles, and how they’re doing, and how big they are and how many orders they got for them.”

  “He’s probably mistaken,” I told Lil Ran, who was starting to look a little anxious.

  “I heard that, cat,” said the bird, “and I can assure you I’m not mistaken. Johnny always puts his boss on speakerphone, and I’d recognize his voice out of a thousand.”

  We decided to ignore the bird’s strange conceit that Randy Hancock would own a pet shop. It didn’t seem credible. And Johnny and Jerry calling him boss? Impossible.

  So we moved in the direction of the basement stairs, and made our way down. We soon found ourselves in that cavernous space where those large tanks were set up. The temperature was a balmy eighty degrees, presumably so the turtles would be nice and warm in their tanks, and immediately I glanced around in search of Brutus.

  “Brutus?” I called out. “Brutus, buddy—are you down here?”

  “Max?” a voice suddenly called out. “Max, is that you?”

  “Brutus!” I said, and immediately made my way over to where our friend was holed up: underneath a pile of rubble and a collection of discarded old fish tanks.

  “Max!” he said, sounding extremely relieved. “How did you find me?”

  “Deduction, my dear Watson,” I said with a grin.

  “Dooley, Fifi, Rufus, Little Randy!” said Brutus. “Am I glad to see you guys!”

  “It’s Lil Ran now,” said the large dog with a smile, “but I’m also very glad to see you, Brutus. We thought you’d gone off on some adventure.”

  “I did go off on an adventure,” said the black cat, “but I guess I bit off more than I could chew.” He gestured to the tanks. “My friend Pinkie is in there somewhere, and so are her friends. She asked me to help her free them, but then I got locked in here when Johnny Carew closed and locked the window and I didn’t know how to get out again.”

  “So is it true what the pets upstairs said?” asked Rufus. “That they’re going to sell these turtles for millions?”

  “Yeah, it’s true,” said Brutus. “And prepare yourselves for a nasty surprise. The guy in charge of this whole operation is—”

  “Randy!” suddenly Lil Ran cried. He’d caught sight of his human, and was now streaking over to meet him.

  Randy, whom I hadn’t noticed until now, came walking up to us from the far corner of the basement, followed by Johnny and Jerry. The fitness star looked as surprised to see his dog as Lil Ran was happy to see him.

  “Hey there, buddy,” said Randy, then saw the five of us and his brow furrowed. “And I see you brought your friends with you.”

  “Yeah, we were looking for Brutus, and Max found him,” said Lil Ran, even though his human couldn’t understand a word he said.

  “He’s the guy in charge,” said Brutus, “and he’s just locked Marge in that room over there.”

  We all gawked at Brutus now. “Wait, what?” I said. This, I hadn’t expected.

  “Yeah, he explained how he lost his entire fortune and how he now owes so much money to some very dangerous people that he needed to lay low for a while as he set up this turtle farm. He hopes to make millions selling these turtles, and in the meantime he figured he could stay at Odelia’s place for free, where no one would find him.”

  “Oh, the bad man!” said Dooley.

  We all turned to Randy, even Lil Ran.

  “Is this true, Randy?” asked the Irish Setter. “Did you lock up Marge and did you set up this turtle farm to get out of debt?”

  But of course Randy hadn’t learned how to speak the canine language in the ten seconds that had elapsed. Instead, he patted his dog’s head and said “Good boy. Let’s get out of here, shall we?”

  “What do you want us to do with Marge?” asked Jerry, who was holding a gun, I now saw.

  “I haven’t decided yet,” said Randy.

  “We can’t let her go,” said Jerry. “She’ll blab to her brother the cop. Or her daughter the cop. Or her son-in-law the cop.”

  “I really know how to pick ‘em, don’t I?” said Randy. “When they interviewed Odelia on TV they never mentioned her entire family consisted of the entire local police force.”

  “We could always keep her here until everything is over,” said Jerry.

  “And then what? The minute we let her out she’ll go running to the cops. No, we can’t risk that. I suggest we, um, make her go away.” He gestured to Johnny. “You take care of that for me, will you? You look like the kind of guy who’s done that sort of thing before.”

  Johnny stared at Randy, then said, “Oh, are you talking to me, boss?”

  “Who do you think I’m talking to, numbnuts? The walls? You get rid of Marge. And please don’t tell me how you’ll do it. I don’t want to know. Just do it quietly, and make sure the body is never found, all right?”

  “But, boss. I like Marge. She’s good people.”

  “And now she’s dead people. Just do it.”

  And with these words, he started to walk away. Unfortunately his exit was blocked by Grandma Muffin, who had chosen this exact moment to show up, Harriet right behind her.

  42

  “What’s going on here?” asked Gran. “And why are you holding a gun, Mr. Vale?”

  “Lock her up with the other one,” said Randy.

  “But, boss!” said Johnny.

  “Lock her up I said! And get rid of her.”

  “But boss!”

  “Oh, do I really have to do everything myself around here?” He grabbed Jerry’s gun and held it on Gran, who looked a little startled.

  “In there,” barked the fitness star.

  “He’s a bad one, Gran,” said Dooley.

  “Oh, I can see that,” said Gran.

  Harriet, who’d joined us, said, “What’s going on? Why is Randy pointing a gun at Gran?”

  “Because he’s a bad guy,” said Dooley. “He’s already locked up Marge and now he’s doing the same with Gran.”

  “We have to attack him,” I said, eyeing that gun with a keen eye. Guns and cats don’t really mix. We’re not impervious to the odd bullet making a hole through our precious bods, and just like humans usually don’t respond well. So it more or less kept me from jumping on top of that frizzy-haired maniac and digging my claws in the way I wanted to.

  Gran followed the instructions of the fitness guru and reluctantly entered the small room. “I’m going to tell my son,” she warned. “And he won’t be happy.”

  “Oh, shut up,” said Randy, who was losing all the hallmarks of his usually sunny persona more and more. He slammed the door shut in Gran’s face then locked it. “So your instructions still stand,” he told his two associates. “Get rid of them and make sure the bodies are never found. Best way to deal with this.” Once more he was making for the staircase and he probably would have walked out if not Tex Poole had walked in.

  “You!” Tex said the moment he caught sight of Randy. “I want a word with you—you rat!”

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake,” said Randy, and since he was still holding that gun, he now pointed it at the doctor. “I’m sorry, Doc, but you caught me at a bad time.”

  “Is that a gun?” asked Tex, his eyes going wide as saucers.

  “Excellent powers of observation. Get in there,” he said, gesturing to the small room that was really filling up now.

  “I don’t understand,” said Tex.

  “Who cares? In there, and be quick about it.”

  “But… is this the toxin? Has it started to affect your brain? You’re not well, Randy. You don’t look well.”

  “And why do you think that is? Your family keep showing up—get in there, Doc!”

  And since it is rarely a good idea to argue with a man holding a gun, Tex did as he was told, and got in there. Under normal circumstances it probably would have been a happy reunion in that small room, but I very much doubt whether this was the case now.

  “Is that it?” said Randy, starting to look a little frazzled. “Did we get all of them?”

  “We got three of them, boss,” said Jerry. “Do you want us to—”

  “Yes! Kill them all and make sure the bodies—”

  “Are never found. Gotcha.”

  “This is too much,” said Fifi. “This man is some kind of mass murderer!”

  “And here I thought he was a nice guy,” said Rufus. “My humans always work out to his videos. They think he’s goofy and funny. He’s not so goofy and funny now.”