“Must be the drugs,” said Harriet. “If you take so many drugs for so many years, it affects your brain. It starts to go soft.”

  “I don’t recognize my own human anymore,” said Lil Ran sadly. “It’s as if he’s been replaced by his own evil twin.”

  “Randy has an evil twin?” asked Dooley. “I didn’t know that.”

  “No, he doesn’t have a twin. I said it’s almost as if he’s been replaced—”

  “What’s all this!” suddenly a voice boomed through the cavernous space.

  And when we looked up, I saw that Uncle Alec and Chase had arrived on the scene.

  “Oh, happy days!” said Randy, and pointed his gun at the new arrivals. “So glad you could you join us, gentlemen. Now if you care to follow me to your new accommodations.”

  “He’s got a gun, Chief,” said Chase.

  “I can see that, Chase,” said the Chief.

  “We better do as he says.”

  “I know.”

  “Excellent advice!” said Randy, and gestured with his gun to the small room. “In there,” he barked curtly. “Hop to it. In you go.”

  “Why are you doing this, Randy?” asked Chase. “What’s gotten into you all of a sudden?”

  “Let’s just say it’s stress-related,” said Randy.

  “But…”

  “In there—now!”

  Once the door was locked, Johnny gave his boss a pained look. “You don’t really expect us to—”

  “Kill them all? Yes, I do. I’ll even give you a group rate. Five for the price of four!”

  “That doesn’t sound like a good deal,” Jerry murmured. He didn’t look happy either.

  Johnny and Jerry may be crooks, but they’re not killers, and to suddenly be forced to become mass murderers clearly didn’t sit well with them.

  “Okay, well, if there’s nothing further…” said Randy. Droplets of sweat were trickling down his face, and his gun hand was shaking. “Here,” he said. “Have your gun back.” And he handed the thing back to Jerry.

  “Let’s attack him,” said Brutus.

  “Jerry’s got a gun,” I pointed out.

  “He’d never shoot us,” said Harriet.

  “I really don’t want to find out,” I said.

  “And risk him shooting our entire family?”

  It was one of those moments fraught with indecision. And while we worked out the odds we watched Randy Hancock walk away.

  43

  Odelia had spent the entire afternoon at her office, trying to puzzle together the pieces that made up the Randy Hancock conundrum. She’d called around to gather more information on Randy’s background, and had discovered he’d recently bought an old pet shop and had hired two familiar people to run it for him: Johnny Carew and Jerry Vale.

  And so now she was on her way to the shop, to find out why a man like Randy would get into the pet shop business.

  And she’d just arrived there when the man himself came walking out of the store, looking extremely flustered, and sweating profusely. She almost bumped into him before he looked up and eyed her with befuddlement.

  “Oh, hi, Randy,” she said. “I was just on my way over to talk to your employees.”

  “Oh, you were, were you?” he said, mopping his brow with his sleeve.

  She glanced beyond him, and now noticed three familiar cars parked across the street: one belonging to her grandmother, her Dad’s car, and her uncle’s squad car. Odd.

  “So I guess you’ve decided to start a new career?” she said. “Pet shop owner?”

  He smiled nervously. “Um, yeah. Since my other career is pretty much done for, I might as well try something completely different, you know.” He swallowed, then said, “I’m afraid I must be off, Odelia. Maybe we could do this later?”

  “You hired Johnny Carew and Jerry Vale?”

  “Yeah—yeah, I did. Why, you know them?”

  “Oh, yes. Two reformed criminals. Very noble of you to give them a second chance.”

  She was now completely certain something very fishy was going on here. But what? And how was Randy implicated?

  “I-I really must be going,” said Randy. “So I’ll see you back at the house, okay?”

  “Have you seen my uncle?” she asked, gesturing to the squad car. “Or my grandmother?”

  “No–no I haven’t,” he said, starting to walk away.

  “Something isn’t right, Randy!” she called out, but he was already starting to move away from her faster and faster, those short legs surprisingly quick off the mark.

  And since she’d never been one to ignore her instincts before, she decided to follow the guy. And as she did, he glanced over his shoulders, and promptly broke into a run!

  A man whose hips have recently been replaced with a pair of new ones, and whose pelvis suffered a nasty fracture, should never try to run away from a person less than half his age, with two healthy hips and ditto pelvis.

  So it didn’t take long for Odelia to overtake the guy, and then she was launching herself at him, tackling him like a pro.

  “Hey!” he said. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “You’re going to tell me what’s going on,” she spoke in his ear, even as he darted anxious looks at her. “Why did you run away from me, Randy?”

  “I wasn’t. I just felt like going for a run!”

  “Bullshit!”

  “No, it’s the truth, I swear! My doctor told me I need to stay fit. Every day like clockwork I go for a run, and you caught me just when I was going well. You really should get off me now. It’s not good for my hips—or my busted pelvis.”

  “Tell me the truth, Randy.”

  But instead of telling her the truth, Randy suddenly started squealing, “Heeelp!” Heeeeelp! Mugger! This woman is trying to mug me!”

  Unfortunately for him Odelia was something of a local celebrity, and the people who stopped to help, instead of helping him get rid of Odelia, helped her pin the man down to the pavement, figuring that if she was making a citizen’s arrest, which is what it looked like, she had damn good reasons to do so.

  “You can’t do this!” he squealed. “Let me go!”

  “Not until you tell me what’s going on,” said Odelia. “And I think we better take this inside now. To the police station.”

  Scarlett Canyon came hurrying up. “I saw what happened!” she said. “I saw the whole thing! He tried to get away from you, didn’t he, this scummy little man.”

  “This scummy little man is Randy Hancock,” Odelia said with a grim expression. “And I’m pretty sure he’s up to no good—though he’s refusing to tell me what it is.”

  “Oh, I know exactly what it is,” said Scarlett. “He’s been carrying on with your mother, that’s what! Behind your dad’s back. Confess, you filthy little worm of a man!”

  “I’m not carrying on with no one!” said Randy, still flat on the pavement.

  Odelia had taken out her phone and was calling her uncle. Oddly enough he wasn’t picking up. So she called the station switchboard, and got through to Dolores on the first ring.

  “Hampton Cove Police Department,” said the raspy-voiced dispatcher. “How may I help you?”

  “Can you send someone to pick up Randy Hancock?” she said.

  “What’s he done?”

  “I don’t know. That’s what you need to find out.”

  “Apart from making some pretty weird and funky videos in the eighties and nineties I can’t see what he could have done, sweetie.”

  “I think he’s involved with a pet shop,” said Odelia, casting around hopelessly.

  “No crime in that as far as I know. Unless he’s doing something to the animals? Though frankly if he is I don’t think I want to know.”

  “Just… arrest him already, will you?”

  “No can do, hon. We don’t go around arresting people just because a member of the public asks us to.”

  “He tried to get away! He was behaving very suspiciously.”

  Dolores sighed. “Tell you what—I’ll get your uncle on the horn and ask him what he thinks we should do.”

  “I just tried to call him. He’s not picking up.”

  “Oh, he’ll pick up when I call him,” said Dolores. Moments later she came back on the line. “He’s not picking up, and neither is Chase.”

  “My uncle’s car is parked across the street from the pet shop,” said Odelia, “and so is my grandmother’s car. And my dad’s car.”

  “Some family meeting they didn’t tell you about?”

  “Just send someone, will you?!”

  “All right, all right. No need to get testy. I’ll send a car.” And she promptly disconnected.

  “I’ve done nothing wrong!” Randy squealed. “Let go of me, you two-bit rent-a-cop!”

  “You tried to screw over my best friend’s son-in-law by screwing his wife!” Scarlett yelled. “So don’t tell me you didn’t do anything, you… louse!”

  “I did no such thing! I’m not even into women!”

  “That’s what they all say.”

  44

  “We need to get out of here,” said Vesta as she rattled the door handle to no avail. “If we stay here we’ll all get shot and our bodies dumped in a lake.”

  “What lake?” said Marge.

  “Who cares what lake!”

  “No, but it could be a small lake or a big lake.”

  “We’ll be dead, so it won’t make a difference,” Vesta grunted. “Alec. Do something.”

  “Why me?”

  “You’re a cop!”

  “Yes, Alec,” said Marge. “You have to do something before they kill us and throw our bodies in a lake. Though they could throw us in a pond, of course. Much easier.”

  “They took my phone,” said Alec sadly. “And my gun, too.”

  “Just put your shoulder against this door and bust out,” Vesta suggested. “How hard can it be?”

  “That’s steel, Vesta,” Chase pointed out. “Steel is pretty hard.”

  “He might hurt his shoulder,” said Marge.

  “When they shoot him it will hurt a lot more!”

  “All right,” said Alec, and took a running leap, then hit the door with his shoulder acting like a battering ram. Only the door was made of sterner stuff, and didn’t budge. “Ouch!” said the Chief. “I’ve hurt my shoulder!”

  “See?” said Marge. “What did I tell you?”

  “Oh, you’re such a sissy,” said Vesta. “You give it a shot, Chase. You’re a lot tougher than my son. Just put your foot against that door and bust us out of here.”

  “I’m not sure…” said Chase.

  “Oh, come on!” So she proceeded to give the door a hefty kick. “Ouch!” she squeaked, and sat down on an overturned wooden crate to massage her injured toes.

  “I’ll give it a try,” said Chase finally, and placed his foot against the door, as instructed. Only the door, which had at this point thwarted the joint attempts of a police chief and his aged mother, wasn’t giving in so easily, and stood firm against this latest onslaught.

  “No joy,” said Chase sadly.

  “I don’t understand,” said Marge. “Johnny and Jerry are crooks, but they’re not killers. I’d never have believed it if you told me they were about to make us dead.”

  “Make us dead? Kill us, you mean,” said Vesta. She turned to Tex. “Can’t you do something?”

  “What do you want me to do?” asked Tex, who’d said nothing throughout these proceedings. He was looking a little morose, Vesta thought, and she didn’t blame him. First he’d discovered his wife was having an affair with a fitness dude, and now this fitness dude was going to get them all killed. A man would turn morose for a lot less.

  “You’re a doctor,” Vesta pointed out. “Can’t you pick that lock and get us out of here? I mean, you operate on people, don’t you? So why should a door be any different?”

  Tex barked a curt humorless laugh. “For one thing, I didn’t bring my instruments, and for another, a door is not the same thing as a human, Vesta.”

  “Why don’t you pick that lock?” Alec suggested. “You’re supposed to be a pro at lock picking, you and your neighborhood watch.”

  “There’s a learning curve,” said Vesta. “And besides, like Tex I didn’t bring the instruments of my trade.”

  She had watched a whole lot of YouTube videos on lock picking and burglarizing, along with Scarlett, but so far hadn’t been able to pick a single lock. It was very annoying.

  “What I don’t get is why Randy would suddenly have turned homicidal,” said Chase. “He used to be a fitness guru, and now he’s suddenly decided to become a serial killer instead? That’s a major leap.”

  “Yeah, talk about a career change,” said Alec.

  “As I understand it,” said Marge, “he spent all of his money on drugs and boyfriends, and now he’s broke and has gone into selling exotic turtles instead. Only there are so many loan sharks gunning for him he had to lie low for a while, until his fortunes turned, so he picked Odelia as the last place anyone would find him, not expecting her to be good at what she does, and now we’ve managed to figure out the truth of who and what he is, and since he can’t have any witnesses running around he needs us all dead.” She sighed a disappointed sigh. “And to think I thought he was the cat’s pajamas. The bee’s knees. The kipper’s knickers. The clam’s cuticles. He really fooled me.”

  “I want a divorce,” said Tex now.

  Marge looked up in surprise. “What?! What are you talking about?”

  “It’s clear to me that you and Randy are having an affair.”

  “We are not having an affair!” said Marge.

  “Yes, you are,” said Vesta. “Admit it, Marge. Harriet told me what Chase saw.”

  Tex turned to Chase. “What did you see?”

  “Well…” said the burly cop.

  “Chase saw Marge and Randy,” said Vesta, “naked in his bed, hugging and canoodling, and Marge was crying tears of pure joy. Pure joy, Marge!”

  “Oh, for crying out loud!” said Marge.

  “Exactly! You cried—loudly!”

  “Naked and canoodling in Randy’s bed!” Tex yelled.

  “I wasn’t canoodling!”

  “But you were crying tears of joy,” said Vesta.

  “Look, I wasn’t naked—only Randy was…”

  “Oh, my God!” said Tex.

  “From the waist up! He’d been admiring himself in the mirror. And we weren’t canoodling—he was merely… comforting me.”

  “And you were crying,” Vesta said.

  “Tears of ecstasy!” said Tex.

  “They were most definitely not tears of ecstasy!” said Marge. “In fact they were tears of regret—regret that after twenty-five years of marriage the spark has gone out of our relationship. You don’t bring me flowers anymore, you don’t take me out to dinner anymore—you simply take me for granted and I’ve frankly had enough!”

  “But… I bought you flowers today, and when I wanted to give them to you I find you having a romantic candlelight dinner with Randy!”

  “Marge!” said Vesta, looking shocked.

  “There were no candles involved,” said Marge, “and the only reason I was having dinner with Randy was because Odelia asked me to.”

  “I knew it!”

  “She wanted me to try and find out more about him—make him open up to me. So she suggested dinner, and I said why not. At least Randy appreciated me as a woman, whereas you just think of me as a cleaner, a cook, and the person who does your laundry!”

  “But, Marge!”

  “No, I don’t want to hear it. You want a divorce? Fine. I want a divorce, too.”

  “Children, children,” said Vesta soothingly. “This is not the time or the place to talk about getting a divorce. Besides, we’ll all be dead soon, so who cares about divorce?”

  “I’m sure the cats will think of something,” said Alec. “They always do, don’t they?”

  Her son was right, but somehow Vesta didn’t see what the cats could do against two men and a loaded gun. Things looked pretty bleak, she had to admit, and for the first time in a long while she figured saying a little prayer might not be a bad thing right now.

  45

  “What do we do, Max?” asked Dooley anxiously. “I don’t want our humans to die.”

  “No, I don’t want them to die either, Dooley,” I said. But what could we possibly do? Jerry was holding a gun, waving it around a little haphazardly, pointing it this direction and that while he paced the floor like a madman. And Johnny, even though he didn’t have a gun, was far too large for us to attack and do some real damage. Besides, I didn’t really want to do him any damage. He’s a crook, but a likable one. Plus, he likes cats.

  “We have to do something, Max,” said Harriet. “They’re going to shoot all of our humans and there will be no one left.”

  “Odelia will still be there,” said Brutus. “She’s out there somewhere, so she’ll survive.”

  “Oh, Brutus,” said Harriet. “You can’t be serious. You don’t mind if the entire Poole family is wiped out because at least there will be one Poole left standing? How can you say a thing like that?”

  “No, I mean she’s still out there so she might be able to save the rest of her family.”

  “Doubtful,” said Lil Ran. “How would she even know they’re in there, and how will she overpower these two criminals singlehandedly?”

  “I’m very disappointed in your human, Lil Ran,” said Harriet now. “I always thought he was a little weird but generally a good person, but now it looks like he’s some kind of serial killer. How did you not see this coming?”

  Lil Ran hung his head. “I don’t know what’s gotten into him,” he said quietly. “He wasn’t like this before. I mean, he was always a little eccentric, but not homicidal.”

  “I think it’s the lure of the turtle money,” said Fifi. “Some humans are very susceptible to the desire for money and wealth. Makes them do silly things.”

  “Like murdering an entire family,” said Rufus, casting a weary eye in the direction of the door to the little room where practically all of our humans were now locked up.