With a stomach full of hummingbird wings, I open the journal. ‘Okay, Lilly,’ I breathe. ‘Here we go.’

  The first half of her entries are what I expected. It’s hard pushing through the detailed recollections of the things Herm did to her, but at least we have evidence against him now. Even if he didn’t kill her or Hazel, he’ll have to answer for sexually assaulting a minor – so there’s that.

  I flick through a few more pages of typical Lilly-isms, talking about how much she hates her mother, her dreams of being a model and how much she longs to get out of Wildling.

  Then I reach the first mention of Bryce, and that’s where things get interesting.

  17 January

  OMG I can’t believe I just had sex with Bryce Stanton! I don’t even know how it happened. I was lying on the grass in the park to get away from the sound of Mum screwing some loser in her bedroom, and he just appeared out of nowhere. We talked, and he’s actually so funny. And that smile. Damn. He told me all about working on Willow’s Crossing with his dad, and how one day it will all be his. Then he looked so sad when he talked about how he can’t imagine being there all alone once his mum and dad are gone. He’s an only child like me, so I get it, but I can’t believe that someone like him would ever be worried about being alone. He’s Bryce Stanton. He looked so lonely, and I couldn’t stop staring at his lips. Next minute, we were behind that huge tree, kissing. I didn’t mean for it to go any further, but it was so intense, and I felt so connected to him. It was hot, and I was only wearing a cotton dress. When he turned me around and pulled my underwear to the side, I closed my eyes and just let him. It was so exciting, being out there where someone might see us. It was nothing like with Herm the Worm. Back when he used to touch me, I wanted to be sick, but that was all a long time ago. That freak only likes girls who are too young to fight back. Like, vomit.

  19 January

  I can’t stop thinking about Bryce. The way he touched me. The sound of his voice. It’s probably stupid, but I keep thinking about what my life would be like with him. The two of us living out on Willow’s Crossing together. His mum and dad would flip if they knew he liked a girl like me. I know they want him to get back with Britt’s sister Juniper, but she’s long gone. And he’s still dating that prissy bitch Charlotte Higgins, but I know there’s something between us. I felt it. I need to tell Britt. She never says anything, but I know she has a crush on him. But it’s not like she has a chance with him anyway, and I didn't start it. He made me put my number in his phone before he left. When he texts, I’ll tell her, and she’ll just have to accept it. If she doesn’t, bad luck.

  24 January

  It’s been five days, and he hasn’t text. What the hell? I didn’t get his number. I didn’t think I had to. He was so into me, like so much. He wasn’t faking it. I would have known. He was so worried about ending up with no one and I’m right here, like, I want to be with him. Compared to him, every other guy in Wildling is an idiot. They don’t talk the way he does, and they sure don’t look like he does. He’s all I can think about now. I can’t remember ever wanting anything this much. My life could be completely different with him. I could be someone. I wouldn’t have to be the girl from the slums whose mum is a screw-up. I could be Lilly Stanton, the girl who has her own horse and lives on Willow’s Crossing. Why doesn’t he just text?

  27 January

  Still nothing. I wish he’d never come over that day. Before that, being Bryce’s girlfriend had never even crossed my mind. Now it’s all I can think about. Wait, OMG, what if I put my number in his phone wrong? He doesn’t know where I live, and it’s not like he can just go to the servo and ask Britt. Like, he knows we’re friends. We talked about that, but it would be weird with her being Juniper’s sister and everything. Maybe I should go over there. What if he thinks I gave him a fake number? Screw it. I’m going over there.

  6 February

  Bryce Stanton can go to hell. I can’t believe he told me to leave. ‘It was what it was, Lilly. You can’t just turn up here. What if my parents see you?’ That’s what he said. That whole thing in the park was a load of shit. The sad eyes and what if I end up alone speech. Everyone in Wildling thinks he’s such a good guy – the perfect son. What a load of shit. I just wanted it so much. How can I go back to my normal life now? There must be something I can do.

  Lilly’s journal entries taper off over the next few weeks. There’s the odd rambling about wanting to live at Willow’s Crossing and cursing at Bryce, but nothing new. I read one entry on Valentine’s Day where she saw him walking hand in hand with Charlotte on Main Street, so she let his tyres down while they were in the pub having lunch, and another where she sat out on the drive of Willow’s Crossing until three in the morning just staring at the light spilling out of his room.

  But then an entry dated 16 February catches my attention, because the first line is all written in capitals.

  16 February

  OH MY GOD I AM BLESSED!!!

  I’m pregnant. Like, actually pregnant, and Bryce Stanton is the father. I have no doubt in my mind. I haven’t slept with anyone else since that day in the park, and the test came up positive. I had a feeling when my period was late, and my boobs were so sore, that something was going on, but I didn’t dare to hope. But I’m having Bryce’s baby. I knew it was meant to be. This is going to change everything. I want to tell Britt, but I can’t. Not yet. I don’t want to jinx it. Once I get to three months, I’ll tell her. Once he knows, he’ll change his mind about everything, and his parents will be fine. They’ll love the idea of having their first grandchild – a grandchild who is entitled to everything on Willow’s Crossing. It’s actually going to happen. My dream life is going to come true. I can’t believe it!!!!!!

  I put the journal down and stare out over the shop, trying to figure this out. Lilly wouldn’t lie in her journal, but Bryce couldn’t have been the father. The only time they had sex was six months ago. By the time she died, she would have been showing.

  20 February

  I told Bryce about the baby. I waited for him at the end of the road that leads to Willow’s Crossing, and when he drove by, I flagged him down. When I got in the car, he started cursing, calling me a stalker, but then I told him about the baby, and instead, he called me a liar. I told him I was happy to prove it, so we drove all the way to Winton River, where I could buy a pregnancy test without anyone seeing me get out of his car. He brought me home and came in while I did it. When he saw I wasn’t lying, he looked like he was going to pass out. He started carrying on about how his parents will freak out. He said he’d pay for an abortion, but I told him there's no way I was going to kill our baby. That’s when he lost it. Said I had to or else he’d find another way to make sure I didn’t have it. Whatever that’s supposed to mean.

  I turn the page, and the first thing I notice is that the next entry is dated a week later.

  28 February

  I lost the baby. One minute I was pregnant, the next I was covered in blood and almost screaming from the pain in my stomach. At least I was at home when it happened, and no one saw. It’s a strange feeling, like kinda empty and lonely, which is weird because it’s not like I even met the baby. It’s a shit feeling, though. The idea of being a mum was growing on me. I imagined having someone who would love me more than anyone else in the world. I’ve never had that. Shit, now I’m crying. I want my baby back. If only I could still be pregnant. If only… I could get pregnant again.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  TWO days ago, the rain stopped, and the snow began. Rain carries a rhythm, a pulse against the window that reminds you the world is still alive. Snow is different. Its silence presses against the earth, bringing with it a chill that has settled in my bones.

  Daley has been calling relentlessly. By morning, the mountain will be inundated with skiers and snowboarders. He’ll want me to be on call, but I can’t. I haven’t left the house since Will walked out. We’re almost out of food. I can’t let Koda go hungry, but the idea of going to the shop makes me want to be sick. By now, everyone will know. When they see me, they’ll whisper and stare. I’ll be the laughingstock of the town, Sophie and my mother undoubtedly writing all the punchlines.

  Without him here, the house feels different. The rooms are wider, emptier, like they’re holding their breath. The patch of carpet at the end of our bed where he used to leave his clothes mocks me, a reminder of how I would get so angry when he didn’t throw them in the washing basket and how now I’d do anything to see them lying there. Visions of him hover in every doorway. The way he’d watch me, how he’d walk in already mid-sentence before I could even look up. What felt like a home has become a cluster of empty rooms and memories. Spaces that once cupped our love in their hands, now calloused palms, weathered from the storm that was Jessica.

  When a knock comes at the door, answering it is the last thing I want to do. I can tell from Koda’s reaction that it’s Jason. He’s probably come to check on me. He would have been the first to know. He probably knew long before I did. They speak about the drilling project every day, and he already mentioned Jess, so he knows who she is. The idea that he could have known something like that and kept it from me provides just enough spark to pull me up off the couch.

  ‘You knew,’ I hiss before he even steps inside. ‘You knew, and you never said a word.’

  ‘Whoa,’ he replies, palms out in front. ‘Settle down. I didn’t know. No one did. Do you really think I’d keep that from you?’

  I shrug, and my shoulders drop forward, any energy I had quickly draining away. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know what to think.’

  ‘Can I come in? Last time I was here, you threw me out, so…’

  ‘If you want,’ I mumble. ‘I don’t care.’

  He follows me over to the couch, where I slump back into my pile of chocolate wrappers and empty soft drink cans.

  ‘Mia, this is not healthy,’ he says, looking around. ‘You can’t just give up and sit here in squalor.’

  I focus my eyes on a small crack in the wall and stare at it for so long my eyes go fuzzy.

  ‘Mia, are you listening to me?’

  I nod but don’t say anything.

  ‘Are you taking care of Koda? Has he eaten?’

  ‘Of course he’s eaten.’

  ‘Mia?’

  ‘He’s eaten. I wouldn’t neglect him, Jason. He’s all I’ve got.’ On cue, Koda crawls into my lap as best he can and nuzzles my hand.

  ‘If it’s too much, I can take him for a while.’

  I snap back and stare at my brother. ‘Take him?’

  ‘Just until you’re feeling better.’

  ‘You’re not taking Koda anywhere,’ I say firmly, my hand coming to rest across his head. ‘Not ever.’

  ‘Okay, all right. I’m just offering.’

  ‘Well, don’t,’ I snap. ‘Koda stays with me. End of story.’

  For a moment, we sit in awkward silence before Jason eventually asks about work. ‘Daley called?’

  ‘Only a million times.’

  ‘You’re not going in?’

  I shake my head.

  ‘What if someone gets lost?’

  ‘What if I’m lost?’ I mumble back and then add, ‘Have you talked to him?’

  ‘Mia…’

  ‘Just tell me, Jason. Have you talked to him?’

  ‘I have to. He and… she… they’re finalising the permits for the drilling rig.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And what?’

  ‘Did he say anything?’

  ‘He said he feels like shit about it.’ Jason sighs and shakes his head. ‘He also said he’s where he wants to be.’ My brother glances down at the shiny diamond ring still on my finger. ‘You have to find a way to accept it, Mi.’

  I follow his gaze and stare longingly at the ring. It’s so beautiful. So full of sparkling potential. ‘I can’t make myself take it off.’

  ‘Give yourself time,’ he says. ‘But not too much. Enough to accept it, but not so much that you’re wallowing.’

  ‘I just lost my entire life.’

  ‘It feels like that, sure. But you didn’t. Not really.’

  I scoff and roll my eyes. ‘What would you know about losing anything?’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘It means you’ve never had a bad thing happen to you your entire life. You’re Jason Thomas, hero of Wildling.’

  ‘Whatever,’ he says, sighing and getting to his feet. ‘I’m going to head off. You need to go back to work.’

  ‘Well, it’s true,’ I snap, suddenly filled with venom. ‘Everyone loves you, even Mum. I’m sick of it.’

  ‘Call if you need anything.’ He glances back at Koda one last time. ‘I meant what I said about Koda. I’m more than happy to take him.’

  ‘I bet you are,’ I snap. ‘You’d love that, wouldn’t you? Taking the one thing I have left. Then you’d have everything. Koda, Mum, Will – the entire town.’

  ‘You need to calm down.’

  ‘Don’t tell me to calm down,’ I shout, moving Koda off my lap. ‘You have no idea what it’s like to be me, Jason.’

  ‘So, tell me,’ he says, planting his feet. ‘Tell me how terrible it is to be Mia.’

  My emotions have taken over. I can’t see what he’s doing. If I calmed myself enough to think this through, I’d keep my mouth shut, but I don’t.

  ‘I was abused by that disgusting excuse for a man, Herm Drinkwater. I found Lilly dead in the ravine. I saw Hazel’s remains up close and personal. Do you have any idea what a body looks like after almost a week out in the elements, Jason? What it smells like? Mum and Sophie hate me, and now Will’s left me for some other woman. That’s how terrible it is to be me. Not that you’d have any idea what it’s like with your perfect life. So once again, please just get the hell out of my house. I can’t even look at you.’

  He studies me for a moment, then nods. ‘You’re right, Mia. That’s too much for anyone to cope with. I’ll speak to Gerry.’

  ‘What?’ I step back and stare at him.

  ‘I’ll speak to Gerry about getting you some help.’

  ‘I don’t need help, Jason. I just need you to leave.’ My heart is racing. This is exactly what he wanted. A way to discredit me, or worse, to have me so drugged up on medication I can’t cause trouble with Jack.

  ‘Maybe a break would help.’

  ‘Like a holiday?’

  He bites the inside of his cheek and shakes his head. ‘Not so much a holiday but—’

  ‘You want to have me committed?’

  He screws up his face and looks away. ‘Don’t be so dramatic, Mia. It’s voluntary admission, like before. Somewhere nice, maybe up in Sydney. It helped last time, right?’

  ‘Mum took me there when I tried to kill myself. That was because of Herm. This is nothing like that.’

  He closes his eyes and rolls his shoulders, stretching out his neck. ‘Mia, I have so much on my plate right now. I really can’t deal with this. Just let someone help you. I’m not qualified for this level of crazy, and I can’t do it right now.’

  I stare at my brother open-mouthed, unable to believe what he’s saying. ‘You’d actually put me in a hospital because I’m upset my fiancée left?’

  ‘Mia, you know how you are. You can be a danger to yourself.’

  ‘I was fourteen.’

  ‘Even still.’ He gazes across the room. ‘Look at this place. It’s a disaster, and I’m willing to bet…’ He turns and strides down the hall.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I call, hurrying after him. ‘Jason, this is my house. You can’t just barge around…’

  Before I can finish, he tears open the door of the fridge. ‘Nothing,’ he says, staring at the barren shelves. ‘You’re not eating. Is there anything for Koda?’

  He steps to the left and opens the pantry. Empty shelves yawn back at him, waiting to be restocked.

  ‘I was going to do a shop today,’ I snap. ‘Not that it’s any of your business.’

  He closes the door and turns to me. ‘You need some support.’

  ‘This is such bullshit. Don’t act like you’re doing this because you care about me. You just want me out of the way, so I don’t keep looking into Jack and interfering with your precious drill.’

  ‘What?’ He steps back and stares at me. ‘Jack? You don’t still think Wildling is full of serial killers?’

  ‘Don’t make it sound like I’m crazy.’

  ‘I’m not,’ he says, hands up in mock protest. ‘I’m actually trying to help you. You’re my sister, but, Mia, you’re not thinking clearly. Just listen to yourself. You think Wildling has a serial killer. That’s insane. You’re not eating. You have nothing here for Koda’s dinner. Let Gerry help you. You know he’s always had your best interests at heart. Even if you think I don’t, at least talk to him. Will you do that, please? If he says you’re fine, then you’re fine.’

  ‘Two girls are dead, Jason. It’s not like I’m making it up.’

  He leans in and rests his hands on my shoulders. ‘I love you,’ he says, catching me off guard. ‘I get that finding those girls has affected you. I mean, shit, Mia, either of them could have been you back then, right? It’s triggering. I get it. That’s why you need to talk to someone.’

  I sigh and let my head drop forward. I’m so tired. ‘Please just go and leave me alone.’

  ‘I’ll send Gerry over,’ he says from the door. ‘Everything’s going to be okay, Mia. You’ll see.’

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Juniper

  WHEN Britt doesn’t pick up the landline at the petrol station, I grab my keys and head out to the car. I’ve sent her a dozen messages and called her mobile phone at least five times. I don’t like the idea of her being alone in that petrol station at night, not with everything that’s going on. I just wanted to check she was all right. Now I can’t get hold of her.