On the way over, I try calling Mum again to ask if she’s heard from her. It’s Tuesday night. That means everyone, including my parents, is at the pub for trivia night. When I get her voicemail, I leave another message asking her to call me and try the petrol station’s landline again. Still no answer.

  With panic building in my chest, I turn into the driveway and switch off the engine. There’s no other cars here, and at first glance, the shop looks empty.

  I climb out and half run toward the door. ‘Britt!’ I call out as the tiny overhead bell rings my arrival. ‘Are you here?’

  I scan the shop, and my breath catches when I see the overturned confectionery stand. Packets of chips and bags of lollies are strewn across the ground. To the right, a magazine display has also been tipped over. The faces of TV soap actors stare up at me from the floor, their glossy smiles at odds with the surrounding chaos.

  ‘Oh my God, Britt? Where are you?’ I shout, panic pulling at my chest. I dash behind the counter, heart racing, and find her bag half open on the ground. I crouch and pick it up, my fingers brushing against her wallet and phone still inside. Her keys dangle from the zipper, clinking softly as I lift it up.

  ‘Britt!’ I scream, louder this time. ‘Britt!’

  I spin in a circle, my eyes searching every corner of the shop, even though I know she’s not here. ‘Britt! Shit…’

  I fumble, digging around in my bag for my phone. When I find it, I call Triple Zero and wait impatiently for someone to answer. When a woman’s voice comes on the line, my words tumble out in uneven bursts as I explain as best I can that my sister is missing.

  She asks a few questions. My name, our relationship, when I last saw Britt, then instructs me to wait until the police arrive.

  She hangs up, leaving me in a silence that suddenly feels too loud. My pulse hammers in my ears. I pace a few steps, then stop. The air around me feels heavier now that I’ve admitted out loud that she’s gone.

  I jump at the sudden vibration in my hand, then glance at the phone as my mother’s name flashes across the screen. For a moment I just stare at it, trying to figure out what I’m going to say.

  ‘Mum?’

  ‘Junie, oh my God. Herm just told us,’ she cries into my ear. ‘We’re on our way.’

  ‘Wait, Herm told you?’

  ‘He was here at the pub when the call came in from the State Police. We’re all coming, Junie. We’ll find her. We have to. I’ll see you in a minute.’

  I crouch to pick up Britt’s bag and phone, and that’s when I see it. The corner of a leather-bound journal stashed behind the store’s Wi-Fi router. I flip it open and know right away that it doesn’t belong to my sister. The writing is too loopy and neat. There’s a page marker about halfway through. Britt must have been reading this before she disappeared. I quickly skip to the marked page.

  1 March

  I have to get pregnant again, like right now. It’s the only way Bryce and I have a chance of being together. He already thinks I am, so it’s not like he’ll question it. When I tell him I couldn’t go through with an abortion, it will be too late. I know he’ll come around to the whole thing. My baby will be the heir to Willow’s Crossing. All I have to do is get pregnant, and I’ve got two options. That creep Herm, who would almost do it in his pants at the opportunity to sleep with me again, and Britt’s boyfriend Luke, who never takes his eyes off my tits. The thought of encouraging either of them makes my skin crawl, and I feel bad about Britt. I wasn’t going to tell her about being pregnant, but I'm pretty sure she saw my test on the dresser the other day. She doesn’t know I lost the baby, so she can vouch for me that it’s true. I have to focus on the end goal. A baby, Bryce, and life at Willow’s Crossing.

  I stare down at the page in disbelief. This is Lilly’s journal. Bryce got her pregnant, and then what happened? She lost her mind? She willingly let Herm have sex with her and seduced my sister’s boyfriend all so she could trick Bryce into thinking he was still the father?

  I sit back in the chair and try to steady my breathing. After what I saw of Bryce in the park, he would not have reacted well to finding out Lilly was pregnant. But what about Hazel? I glance out toward the empty road. Mum and Dad will be here any minute. I need to find out the rest, but I don’t have much time.

  4 March

  Bryce keeps texting, asking if I’ve booked a date to go to Winton River, but I’ve been ignoring him. Last night I let Luke come over, and we did it in my room. Mum wasn’t home, and I got rid of him as soon as it was over. I feel really shitty doing that to Britt, but I made him swear never to tell her. It’s not like I want to steal him off her or anything. I’ve been to the police station a few times as well. Thinking about that makes it hard to sleep, so I have to put headphones on to try and block it out. It’s like every time I close my eyes I can see and feel him. It’s gross. But whoever ends up being the father won’t matter. All anyone will ever think is that it’s Bryce’s baby, and like they say, it’s not a lie if you believe it.

  20 April

  Shit, I got my period. I could have sworn one of those idiots had managed to get me pregnant. I should have known. They’re both losers. Even worse, I saw Bryce in the park this morning with one of those Aboriginal girls. He wasn’t ‘with her, with her’, not like he was with me, but I could see him leaning near our tree, and she was walking over to him. Not that I think he’s going to start dating her or anything. Officially, he’s still with Charlotte. But I need him focused on me. I’m going to tell him I’m keeping the baby and there’s nothing he can do about it. That should get his attention.

  Something bangs against the outside wall, and I almost leap out of my skin. I stand and peer out into the dark, but can’t see anyone. It’s probably just the wind. I take one last look around and then glance at my phone. It’s been five minutes since Mum called. They must be almost here. I glance back at the journal. I have time to read a little more.

  22 April

  I went to Willow’s Crossing tonight. I was going to wait outside and text Bryce to come out and talk to me. I thought in the dark with no one around, maybe we could get things back on track, but she was there. That Aboriginal girl from the park. I saw them walking back up toward the house from the paddocks, and he was holding her hand. Why would he do that? Does he actually like her?

  26 April

  I’ve asked around, and her name is Hazel Smith. Like, I guess she’s pretty or whatever, but what’s he thinking? He can’t date her. His parents would have a fit. Jack hates the Aboriginals.

  Outside, blue and red lights flood the petrol station driveway.

  Herm’s here. My parents’ car pulls in right behind him.

  There’s no way I can give the journal to Herm, so reluctantly, I shove it into my handbag and step out from behind the counter. Outside, I can see my mum bent over. She’s sobbing, and my dad is trying to comfort her. Herm glances in, says something to my parents, and then together they turn and walk toward the shop.

  Jesus, Britt, where are you?

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  WHEN Gerry arrives at my door, he has that look on his face – the same one as when I was a teenager. Part love, part sympathy, part doctor. Back then, he led me out of our family home to the car where Mum was waiting in the front seat. She’d given up trying to forcibly drag me out and instead left Gerry to talk some sense into me. Her head was down, her face mostly obscured by a scarf so no one in town would see them carting me off to the funny farm.

  After a couple of weeks, the doctors at the Delta Clinic in Sydney’s Northern Beaches diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. They said it involved a chemical imbalance that triggers depression, that it was why I’d tried to kill myself. At the time, I just stayed quiet and went along with it. It was better than telling them the truth – that I had PTSD as a result of Herm’s constant sexual abuse. That most days, I wished for death, just to stop hearing and feeling him on me.

  ‘Hey, Mi,’ Gerry says with a sorrowful smile. ‘Jason called. I guess you know why I’m here. Can I come in?’

  I nod and pull Koda in closer.

  ‘Your brother told me about Herm,’ he says, as we sit down on the couch. ‘I wish I’d known.’

  I shrug and close my fingers tight around Koda’s ear. Gerry stares down at his tan leather loafers.

  ‘We could press charges against him,’ he offers. ‘It’s not too late.

  I imagine the feast everyone in town would have on that. As if they weren’t already swollen, their seams bursting with stories about me and Will and what a failure I am. ‘I’m not really up for that right now, Gerry.’

  ‘Well, someone should.’ He swallows and lifts his face to look at me. ‘Jason said he thinks you need a break. Finding those girls would be a trigger for anyone with your past, Mia, but he says you think Herm and Jack are serial killers. Is that true? Do you think they’re responsible for the deaths of Lilly Daniels and Hazel Smith?’

  ‘No, I don’t,’ I say truthfully with a shake of my head.

  Gerry smiles as best he can and breathes out. ‘Well, good, because you know that’s a little far-fetched, right?’

  ‘I think it was Bryce.’

  Gerry’s shoulders sag, and his head drops forward. ‘Mia, please trust me when I tell you, no one killed those girls. It was misadventure. Lilly died from exposure, and Hazel, well, just between you and me, I heard from the forensic pathologist in Winton River that she fell and hit her head.’

  ‘Hit her head?’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘But she was buried. And why would she be out there in the first place?’

  ‘Mia, your brother told me it was you and Koda who went out and found her. I know you saw her remains firsthand, but it was dark and must have been a terribly upsetting experience. Are you certain she was intentionally buried? She had been out there almost a week in the wind and weather. Perhaps the elements covered her over, enough for Koda to have to dig just a little.’

  I shake my head to try to clear my thoughts. ‘That doesn’t explain what she was doing out there.’

  Gerry shrugs. ‘There’s been a lot of talk around town lately, mostly from your grandmother, about the Stantons stealing land. Jack’s pressuring her to sell, and she’s getting the entire First Nations community up in arms about it. Maybe Hazel went out there to try to damage his property in some way as payback or to cause trouble. You know what teens are like. I couldn’t say for sure the reason, but she fell, Mia, maybe in the dark? I don’t know. But it was an accident. They’re going to release the findings later this week.’

  My head is spinning. That’s what happened to Hazel? An accident?

  ‘Mia, I agree with your brother. You need care,’ Gerry continues. ‘Would you let me help you?’

  ‘That’s really what happened?’

  ‘Yes.’

  I close my eyes and try to think. ‘You know the medical team over at Winton River. When they did Lilly’s autopsy, was she pregnant?’

  ‘Pregnant?’ Gerry asks, sitting back. ‘No, not that I’m aware of.’

  ‘You’re certain?’

  Gerry nods. ‘There was nothing to suggest that in the report.’

  Lilly wasn’t pregnant. Britt must have been mistaken. That means Bryce had no reason to kill her, and Hazel died because she fell. It was just an accident.

  ‘Mia, have you thought about harming yourself?’ Gerry is asking.

  I shake my head. ‘No, I’d never leave Koda.’

  ‘Is that the only reason?’

  ‘I only need one.’

  He nods slowly. ‘Koda needs you to be well, Mia. So do a lot of other people.’

  ‘Like?’

  ‘Like all those who’ll be heading up the mountain.’

  I roll my eyes. The thought of caring about strangers up on the mountain seems impossible when my entire world is crashing down around me.

  ‘I’m not sure I have it in me to rescue people at the moment, Gerry.’

  ‘It mattered to you once.’

  ‘So did a lot of things.’

  ‘You still have a life, Mia, even without Will.’

  ‘But I don’t want it,’ I say with a sigh. ‘I grew up in the dirt, Gerry. I should have known. Girls like me don’t get to be with men like him. I should have known this would happen eventually.’

  His face pulls tight, and I catch the pulse of his jaw.

  ‘I don’t mean I’m going to kill myself. I’m just saying, this, what’s left, I don’t want it. I can’t stop thinking about him there with her. It’s too much.’

  It’s a mistake to cry, but I can’t hold it in. I fold myself over and begin to sob. Heaving, wracking, choking tears that steal my breath. Gerry pulls me into an embrace. He smells like Old Spice, the way a father should, and it’s better and worse all at once.

  ‘Let me help you, Mia,’ he whispers. ‘I could write you a script, but I’d rather you not be here alone and medicated. I know you have Koda, but what if there’s a minute, just one minute, that it’s not enough? What if…’

  ‘I won’t, Gerry,’ I manage between sobs. ‘That was a long time ago.’

  ‘But going away, it helped you back then, didn’t it? It provided you with some space to think and breathe.’

  ‘That was different. I did it because of him.’

  ‘You did it was because of the trauma he caused. This isn’t so different,’ Gerry says, pulling back to look at me. ‘Will betrayed you, and finding those girls… There’s no shame in feeling things, Mia. I just want someone to be there to guide you through that process. To build a house, first you need a solid foundation. Do you understand? To rebuild your life, first we need to fix what’s broken. There are people who can help you do that. You don’t need to do it all by yourself.’

  ‘But Koda…’

  ‘I’ll take care of Koda,’ he says.

  ‘Mum would never—’

  ‘Let me deal with Mum.’

  I sniff and glance down at Koda. I would never take my life and leave him alone. Never intentionally. But what if Gerry is right? If none of what I thought is true, then how can I trust my own judgement? When I tried to take my life, it wasn’t meticulously planned out the way some people do it, the way they find peace in planning the details of their death. For me, it was impulsive and desperate. I didn’t think it through at all. I didn’t consider how it would feel, what pain it would cause Jason, or even the finality of it if I’m being honest. I just wanted to be able to close my eyes without feeling his hands on me. I would have done anything to exorcise the ghost of him that hovered over me everywhere I went. It had taken only a few minutes to make the decision. Even less to take out the knife out from the kitchen drawer. Gerry’s words echo in my mind. What if…

  ‘How long would I have to stay there?

  ‘Just a week. Just so I know that you’re safe.’

  ‘I’m scared, Gerry. I don’t want to be away from Koda.’

  ‘You can’t be a good mum to him like this, Mia. He needs you to take care of him, and right now you’re not even taking care of yourself.’

  I cup Koda’s face in my hands and look into his eyes. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had. He depends on me for everything. His entire life is dictated by what I do and what I provide. His food, his walks, where he sleeps, where we go, and what we do. Every part of his day is decided by me. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I’m not paying attention and something happens to him? What if he has to watch me die?

  ‘Just a week and then I’m coming home,’ I say with a sigh. ‘No longer.’

  ‘Would you like me to take Koda to the house?’

  ‘No,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘I want him to go with Mimi.’

  Not so long ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed of leaving Koda with anyone, especially Mimi, but I know in my heart that’s where he will be safe.

  Instead of questioning it, Gerry nods and tells me he’ll make sure Koda gets there safely.

  ‘Get some things packed. I’ll go and make all the arrangements. I’ll be back to collect you in an hour.’

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Juniper

  HERM has assured us he’ll do everything in his power to find Britt, but as we wait back at the house for an update, I’m filled with a growing sense of unease. After everything I’ve learned, how can we trust him to do the right thing? I quickly decide that if she isn’t found in the next hour, I’m taking matters into my own hands. To hell with him if he thinks I’ll just sit here hoping he’ll do his job. Britt is my sister. Even if she can’t depend on Herm, she can depend on me.

  I take out the journal and open it up to the last page I read. Maybe there’s something inside that triggered Britt to react. I can only hope the answer to where she is might be in the pages of Lilly’s journal.

  28 April

  I don’t know how it happened. It just did. Now everything has changed. Last night I went back to Willow’s Crossing. I just wanted to talk to Bryce, but as I walked up the path, I heard laughing. It was far away, but I knew in my gut it was her, that bitch Hazel. He was with her again. With every step, I got angrier and angrier. Who was she to get in the way of my plans? I kept hearing her voice, like it was guiding me or something, like it was supposed to happen. When I found them, they were out in the paddock. She was trying to pull her dress back on. I shouted that she was a slut, and Bryce immediately took her side. The worst part was when he pulled her in behind him like he was protecting her from me. I hated her so much when he did that, like I could have just ripped the skin right off her bones. I’d had his baby inside me. She was nothing and no one. I shouted that I was keeping the baby, and she started crying. When he turned around to console her, I picked up a rock and held it behind my back. Then, just like it was meant to be, one of the cows bellowed, and he stepped away to see if something was there. I swear it just happened on its own. I don’t remember thinking anything or deciding to do it, but next minute, Hazel was on the ground, her head caved in, and my fingers wrapped around the rock. It was all warm and sticky and covered in blood. In the moonlight it looked black instead of red. I was thinking about that when Bryce pushed me so hard that I fell. He crouched over her and kept shouting, ‘What did you do? What did you do?’ I just sat there like I was numb. I should have freaked out, but I didn’t feel anything. When Bryce turned around, even in the dark, I could see his face was pale and tears were pouring down his cheeks. When he yelled that he was calling Herm, I didn’t know what to do, so I threatened to tell everyone that he was the one who killed Hazel. I’d say he brought her out here to tell her it was over because we were having a baby. I’d say I made him let me be there, so I knew for sure he’d told her. They got into a fight. She pushed him, and he pushed her back. She fell and hit her head. That’s what I’d say. When he realised I was serious, he sank to the ground. It was weird because all of a sudden, I wondered what I ever saw in him anyway. Crying like that over some Aboriginal girl. I realised I didn’t even want his stupid baby. Then, just like that, it was clear to me. I didn’t need to be pregnant. I already had enough leverage over Bryce Stanton to make him give me anything I wanted.