His sister opened her mouth to make a retort, but closed it again, appreciating the justice of his assessment. They didn’t want their ears falling off, here where things just might be literal.

  They approached the man. He certainly did not seem much like a Challenge. But he did block the path.

  “Hello,” Ion said. “I am Prince Ion, and these are my companions.”

  “I am a Were,” the man replied, pronouncing it “where,” but of course they heard the spelling.

  “Where what?” Just in case that was the correct spelling.

  “Were Big Foot.”

  The four exchange a puzzled glance. Did this make any sense? It did not seem to be a question or a direction. Maybe the man knew where Big Foot was.

  “May we pass by you?” Ion asked politely.

  “No,” the man said, suddenly expanding into a huge hairy monster with monstrously giant hairy feet.

  “Were Big Foot!” Vinia said, belatedly getting it. “Like werewolf.”

  “Oh, my,” Ion said. “And if we try to proceed farther this way, we’ll get stepped on.”

  “And squished,” the Were Big Foot agreed, licking his lips. Evidently, he liked stepping on folk, when he got the chance. Vinia knew that some folk were like that.

  They hastily retreated, and Big Foot contracted back into the ordinary man, who looked disappointed. He really had wanted to do some serious stomping. This was obviously the path, and the third Challenge.

  “How do we stop him from stomping us?” Ion asked, frustrated.

  “It must have to do with the garrulous women,” Hilda said.

  “I was afraid of that.”

  But they seemed to have no choice, so they took the other fork and approached the women. “Halt, intruders!” the nearest one called, spying them.

  “Why?” Ion asked somewhat timorously, holding his hands near his ears as if to catch them if they fell off.

  “You’re not our kind. Your girls are too young to have much juicy gossip, and your boys are too young to be gossiped about. Go.”

  Ion began to get annoyed. “Why should our youth count against us? There are more things in Xanth than gossip.”

  She did not bother with further reasoning. “Because I said so.”

  They paused for another shared glance. “There has to be some sense here somewhere, doesn’t there?” Hilda asked.

  “If we can just figure it out,” Vinia agreed. Then she got an idea. “That woman stopped us with an unanswerable reason. Is that the secret? Could we use it ourselves?”

  Ion nodded. “Great idea! When we grow up, remind me to kiss you before you freak me out with your newly potent panties.”

  Vinia saw an opportunity. She grabbed it. “How long before?”

  He looked puzzled. “Does it matter?”

  “You didn’t put a time limit on it. This is before. Maybe years before, but before. Kiss me now.”

  He remained confused. “Now? Why?”

  “Because I said so.”

  Hilda laughed. “She got you, Ion. You’re stuck for it.”

  “I’m stuck,” he agreed. He turned to face Vinia and kissed her.

  Vinia loved it, and she knew Ion did too. If flirting like this was this much fun now, what would it be like when they were grown?

  They returned to the Were Big Foot. “Stand aside and let us pass, WBF,” Ion said sternly.

  The Were BF transformed, lifting a giant foot menacingly. “Why should I do that?” he demanded. “When it’s so much easier to stomp you.”

  “Because I said so.”

  “Oh, bleep! You found the gossip gaggle.” He stood aside, reverting to harmlessness.

  They walked on past him. They were through the third Challenge.

  Then Vinia paused, facing back. She had another idea. “You know, Were BF, some of those women are sort of pretty. You could ask one for a date. If she asks why, you can say …” She trailed off.

  The Were brightened. “You’re right! It should work on them too, at least while this set remains in play. They’ve been teasing me for hours. Some are pretty. Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome.” She turned to rejoin the others, mildly bemused by the fact that to a typical man, all that mattered in a woman was her appearance. She could have the mind of a cockroach and he wouldn’t care. Fortunately Ion wasn’t like that; he noticed appearance, but it was just window-shopping. She hoped.

  “You’ll be downright dangerous when you grow up,” Ion murmured. “I am looking forward to it.”

  “So am I.” They squeezed each other’s waists.

  The castle gate was ahead of them. They seemed to have bypassed the moat again. Too bad; Vinia would to have liked to see the moat monster.

  A small side door opened as they approached the wall of the castle. A nondescript woman of indeterminate ago stood there. “Hello, all; I am Wira, the Good Magician’s daughter-in-law. No need to introduce yourselves: I know who you are. Do come in.”

  They trooped into the castle, Ion and Vinia in their usual lockstep. Wira showed them into the same pleasant living room where Dara Demoness had been before. Vinia was disappointed not to see her there, but of course there might now be a different Designated Wife. “Take your seats,” Wira said. “I will inform Magician Humfrey of your presence.” She quietly departed.

  Now Vinia said it as she sank into an easy chair beside Ion. “I’m sorry not to see Dara Demoness here. I liked her, and she really helped me. Helped us all, especially with the ring, which I must now return to her.”

  “That ring made all the difference,” Hilda said. “I don’t think we could have found all the princes for the princesses without it.”

  “And the good luck it brought was great,” Benny said. “I really didn’t get to know Dara personally, but she was a great hostess while we were here.”

  “There must be another Designated Wife here now,” Vinia said. “But I’m glad it was Dara, last time.”

  “Thank you, all,” Dara’s voice came. “I remain here. It has been less than a month since you last visited.”

  They looked around. It seemed to be coming from the couch Ion and Vinia were sitting on. “Where are you, Dara?” Vinia asked.

  Then she got goosed by the cushion. So did Ion. They jumped up together, laughing, propelled by her telekinesis. The Demoness had had her little joke.

  The vacated couch dissolved into smoke, then formed into the Designated Wife. “It is good to see you again. I’m glad you made it through the Challenges in good order; Humfrey would not have let you in otherwise. He is of the old school; standard protocol must be followed.” She grimaced cutely. “He was grumpy with me when I bypassed some of it with you before. It took some doing to degrump him.” She made a little flirt of her hips as her skirt went translucent.

  Vinia put her hand to the invisible ring as she and Ion took another seat together. “I must return this to you, now that it’s done its job, though I am sad to part with it.”

  The Demoness shook her head. “Keep it, dear; your need for it is not yet over. It really was on loan to me, and now it is on loan to you.”

  “Yes, Demon Grossclout recognized it.” Vinia was immensely relieved, as the ring had largely sustained her in the interim. Then she thought of something. “Would you like to talk to your friend Demesne? She is now the queen of the Queendom of Thanx.”

  “Why, that is very thoughtful of you, dear. Yes, please put her on.”

  “Demesne,” Vinia said to the ring.

  She answered immediately. “Hello, Vinia. Did you reach the Good Magician’s Castle all right?”

  “Yes. In fact I have Dara Demoness here. You can talk with her.”

  “Hello again, Demesne!” Dara said. “So much has changed since we were together.”

  “So much indeed ! Has Vinia told you of the virus?”

  “She didn’t need to. The Good Magician informed us when it struck. It’s a mean one. How are you feeling?”

  “Actually I feel normal. Except that I am now totally unable to say no to a male. Any male. It is the same with the other princesses. Our princes are defending us. They prefer us as we were, despite our complete submission to their desires. Grossy is protecting me.”

  “So you finally nabbed Grossy! I remember you had a crush on him.”

  “Still do. So I set about winning him.”

  “And when a Demoness sets about winning a man, any man, he’s doomed.” Dara formed into an excruciatingly sexy creature in filmy underwear.

  “And the irony is, they don’t mind it,” Demesne agreed. They laughed together.

  “Well, the children are here, getting ready to go after the virus antidote. Prince Ion will bring it back once they get it. Then things should get back to normal. You’ll be able to tease your princes to distraction.”

  “Yes. As it is now, they know we can’t ever say no to them, so teasing doesn’t work. They seem to have mixed feelings about that.”

  “There’s no understanding male reactions.” They laughed again.

  Ion, Hilda, and Benny had been completely silent, letting Vinia handle it. Vinia enjoyed having the two Demonesses act just like normal women.

  Wira returned. “The Good Magician will see you now.”

  “Go,” Dara told them. “Nice talking with you, Demesne.”

  “Yes. For a moment I could almost forget the virus.” She faded out.

  They followed Wira up a winding stairway to a small chamber almost filled by a giant tome. This, Vinia knew, was the Book of Answers. Behind it sat the gnomelike Good Magician.

  “These are the querents,” Wira told him.

  “Thank you, dear.” The Good Magician was reputed to be insufferably grumpy almost all the time, but there was no grumpiness when he addressed Wira. What was her secret? Then Vinia remembered: she was said to be the nicest person in Xanth. That must have had its impact, even here.

  “Ask your Question,” Wira told them.

  “First we need to know the required Service,” Hilda said. “In case it is prohibitive.” She was still demonstrating that she had not been infected by any submission virus. She was a princess and a Sorceress in her own right, and not unduly awed by Humfrey.

  Humfrey looked up with his sunken eyes. He was reputed to use youthening elixir to maintain his age at an even one hundred years, and he looked it. “Your Service is to accomplish your mission, which is of considerable importance in itself.”

  Oh. “If you already know about it, why do we have to ask you?” Ion asked.

  “Protocol,” Wira whispered.

  Ion nodded. They had been warned. “How can we get the antidote to the submission virus?”

  “That is a secret possessed only by the Lips tribe. They are attractive women with outsize lips. You must meet their leader, Queen Apoca, and persuade her to share the secret with you, or to provide you with a sample. The ring will enable you to get in touch with her, but there is danger. Their territory is a war zone. Proceed cautiously and indirectly, so as not to betray Apoca’s location to the enemy.”

  “Enemy?” Hilda asked. “Who is it?”

  “The Male Volents. Violent males who want to conquer and possess the Lips without being tamed by them. Any male a Lips kisses becomes her love slave. But if the males can catch Lips women without getting kissed, and infect them with the submission virus, they win. Neither side wants to kill the other, merely to master or mistress them as the case may be.”

  “This doesn’t sound like a mission for children,” Ion said.

  “It is for children because they are immune to the adult hormones that are in play. But proceed carefully, because not all the Volents honor the Adult Conspiracy.”

  Vinia shuddered. She could not remember the detail she had known briefly when Ghorgeous Ghost joined her, but she knew it could be ugly when applied by force or to children.

  The Good Magician’s gaze returned to the tome. They had been dismissed.

  Chapter 12

  Volents

  They were on their way again, the carpet sailing over the landscape on the heading indicated by the Good Magician. Vinia spoke to the ring. “Thanx Officer of the Hour,” she said as the others went silent. She was trusting that the ring would understand without having to have a specific name. The princesses had set up a rotation, so as to have one of them always on duty for this contact, day and night.

  “Hello, Vinia!” Goblette’s voice answered. “How are you doing? I ask not merely from politeness, but because we desperately need your success.”

  Surely so. “You sound all right,” Vinia said.

  “That’s because I am talking to a young woman. The virus has spread despite our precautions, and infected us all, and we know that the moment a man comes, any man, we will be helpless to oppose his slightest whim. And of course his whim will be to take us to bed and do unspeakable things to us, and Georgia and I are lesbians! What utter horror.” She was near tears, a signal of her submissive nature. In the old days she would have been angry and defiant.

  Vinia assimilated that. Women who preferred women, being victimized by men. That did seem to make it worse. “I’m sorry.”

  “Not your fault, of course. But we pray you will return with the antidote elixir soon. No enemy men have intruded yet, but we know they will as soon as they are satisfied that the submission virus has done its awful job. The princes are on guard, but they can’t stay awake around the clock. An enemy man might sneak in, and we couldn’t even cry the alarm, if he told us not to. He could ravish us both without resistance, then go on to abuse the others.” There was an audible shudder. “We hope you can return by nightfall.”

  So being submissive did not mean that they liked it, though they might have to pretend to like it if the man wanted it that way. He might even prefer to have them weeping, helpless in the face of his masculine dominance. Vinia knew there were men like that. Not the princes, but they were exceptions who actually preferred independent women.

  “We are on our way to see one Queen Apoca, of the Lips tribe,” Vinia said.

  “The Lips? I don’t recognize the name.”

  “They are new to us, too. I think it is a newly formed group. The Good Magician said that they have the secret of the cure for the virus, and she is the one to talk with.”

  “Oh, yes!”

  “We are making good time on the carpet and should be there this afternoon.”

  “That is so good to hear!”

  The contact ended. The others had heard. They knew how important this was. The virus had already taken over the queendom.

  Vinia thought of something. “Does that virus infect other females, like the nickelpedes and ghosts?”

  “We gather it does,” Hilda said grimly. “We suspect that females all over Thanx are being exploited by their males.”

  Vinia winced. Poor Signal, Nimbus, Sali, Ghorgeous, Snafu, Lorna, and Hayes! Maybe even Fiera Fire Cloud.

  “And by males of other species too,” Ion said.

  Worse yet. Vinia hoped the males did not have accommodation spells that would enable them to have at any females at all.

  They were approaching the Lips zone, as marked on Hilda’s new map. “Is it time to contact Apoca?” Vinia asked. “We are getting close, I think.”

  “Go ahead,” Hilda said. “She’s the one we have to talk with.”

  Vinia nerved herself and spoke the name to the ring. “Queen Apoca.” She hoped she would get through, and that the queen would condescend to talk with her.

  There was a moment of static. Then a voice answered. “Did someone say my name? I don’t see anyone.”

  “Hello,” Vinia said. “I am Vinia Human, a girl child from the Queendom of Thanx. I have a ring on loan from a Demoness that enables me to contact anyone. Good Magician Humfrey told us to contact you.”

  “Humfrey! I thought I had stayed off that gnome’s radar.”

  Vinia chuckled, feeling more at home. “That’s hard to do. He’s the Magician of Information.”

  “I should have kissed him when I had the chance.”

  Now Vinia laughed. “And made him your love slave? His five and a half wives might have objected.”

  “So you do know something about me.”

  So Apoca had been testing her. “A little. He said you have the antidote for the dread submission virus that is infecting the princesses of Thanx. We need to get it from you.”

  “Unlikely.”

  “Please, their need is desperate. They are surrounded by brute patriarch kingdoms that want to destroy their feminist queendom. The virus is wiping them out. Without the antidote they can’t even fight. We have got to get it from you. We’ll offer a fair trade. What do you want?”

  “It’s more complicated than that. I can’t help you.”

  “But please! It’s our only chance. Name your price.”

  “Sorry.” Apoca clicked off.

  “That went well,” Hilda said ironically. “She doesn’t want to share, even to save the queendom.”

  “Maybe there’s something else going on,” Ion said thoughtfully. “She did say it was complicated.”

  “She did not sound unfriendly,” Benny said. “Maybe she would help if she could, but she can’t.”

  “Then we need to discover what is balking her, and fix it,” Ion said.

  “You boys just like the sound of her voice,” Hilda said. “It’s really sexy.”

  Neither Ion nor Benny argued the case. Vinia remembered that Ion already had male ambitions, and that Benny’s goat half was considered mature, so could be affected by adult nuances.

  “We are supposed to approach her indirectly,” Vinia said. “So as not to give away her location to the enemy, those Volents.”

  “Maybe that’s the complication,” Benny said. “If the enemy is listening in, and she knows it, she could not be too encouraging.”