“Maybe.” The dialogue lapsed, as it tended to do when not prompted. But she had planted a seed of doubt. Was there something else? Some reason folk didn’t like to use the vac scene? Were they being unreasonable, or did they know something? Nolan would be alert for it.

  In due course Vinia paused. “We are at the fringe of the pundemic zone,” she said as the others caught up to her. “We don’t know exactly what to expect. The paths show the route, but they don’t explain it. It is probably best to take our potty breaks before we get into it. This spot is safe from puns and other threats, but I don’t know how far out that’s true.”

  “So stay close in,” Apoca said. She plainly had no fear of the wilderness. Nolan liked that. In fact, he liked everything about her, so far, even her reservations about him. She was very much her own woman. The naga folk would surely accept her as their queen, in due course, though she was no crossbreed.

  The small group scattered into the surrounding bushes. Nolan noted where Apoca went, then chose an adjacent path. He didn’t want to spy on her, but he liked being near her. He did his business, then paused. Something was hovering before him.

  Then Aurora caught on. “The ghost, Ghorgeous. I feel her mind.”

  “Hello, Ghorgeous,” he murmured. “I didn’t know you liked to spy on the privacy of stray men.”

  The ghost laughed and became more visible, presenting a scintillating outline. “You’re a handsome lout, but that’s not my purpose at the moment. I ranged outward, just checking, and spied some maenad types in the area near where Apoca is pausing. I thought you might want to know.”

  Maenads. Nolan knew of them. They were a species of nymph in the form of naked, raging women, insatiably violent and bloodthirsty. He had encountered some on occasion, quickly discovering that though they had marvelous bodies, they were not ideal girlfriends. They might pretend to be amenable to a man’s interest, but it was only a ruse to get close enough to take a bite out of him. They were bad news. “Thanks. But I don’t want to intrude on Apoca’s privacy. Live women can get upset about that sort of thing.”

  She laughed again. “Dead women, too, if we had functions. But those maenads are armed with stick-hers. Those are sticks used only by girls on girls. There are five ’nads. She’s likely to need help.”

  Surely so. “Can you lead me there?”

  “Now.” She floated into the brush.

  He followed. “How can you range out anywhere?” Aurora asked the ghost as they moved. “I thought ghosts were bound to their haunts.”

  “Vinia has a chip of wood from our haunted house. I have to stay within a comfortable range of it, or I lose coherence.”

  Nolan was interested. If by some mischance they lost Vinia, they would lose Ghorgeous, too, unless someone recovered the chip. They did need to stay together.

  In no more than another moment and a half they heard a scream close ahead. It was not the gentle scream of a surprised woman but the exultant sound of a predator closing on prey.

  Nolan changed to naga form, becoming a serpent with a human head. His human clothing snapped into his magic pouch as it was spelled to do, carrying his sheathed sword and Aurora Ant along. He slithered rapidly toward the sound.

  In another half moment he burst upon the scene. There was Apoca with a club of her own, about to be beset by the maenads. She might take out one or two or even three, but not all five. She was a queen, not an Amazon. That was, of course, why the maenads hunted in a pack.

  Nolan roared, calling attention to himself as he charged. The maenads would have trouble attacking him, because his coils were low and writhing, and because their stick-hers would be ineffective against a male. But mainly because if there was one thing a maenad feared, it was a big, aggressive serpent. There was something about his sinuous masculine shape that freaked them out.

  “I wonder what that could be?” Aurora asked rhetorically, amused.

  The maenads screamed in horror and fled. In three-quarters of a moment they were gone. That was just as well, for them, because he would have laid them out in short order and eaten one or two of them. Or worse, had Apoca not been present.

  Apoca faced him, not at all affrighted. “Well, thank you, prince. You saved me an awkward encounter.”

  “You saved her from getting bludgeoned and eaten,” Aurora said. “And she knows it.”

  “I doubt it,” he answered her silently. “The ghost could have spooked them off by assuming the semblance of a zombie ogre hungry for live meat.”

  “Then why didn’t she?”

  “She was setting it up for me,” he said, realizing. “So I could properly impress Apoca.”

  The ant nodded mentally. “You owe Ghorgeous one.”

  “I do.” The ghost had faded out when the action started, leaving the scene to him.

  “Oh, go ahead and change back,” Apoca said, mistaking the reason for his pause. “I know what men look like.”

  She surely did. He had hesitated because the pouch magic was one-way. It brought in his clothing and equipment as he changed forms, becoming a sealed band about his middle, but could not reverse the process.

  Nolan reverted to human form, standing briefly naked as he fished in the pouch for his apparel. It helped that he knew he had a good human body in all its parts.

  Apoca neither flinched nor stared as he fished his clothing out of the magic pouch and donned it, but her glance was appraising. “And you didn’t even need your sword. Nimbus says you look good enough to eat.”

  For the moment he had forgotten the nickelpede who traveled with her, just as Aurora traveled with him. “Thank you, Nimbus.” The bug raised her tail in acknowledgment.

  Aurora was not impressed. “The bug knows I’d toast her if she tried to chomp you.”

  The baton nodded. Nolan hadn’t thought of the fire ant as protection, but she was.

  Apoca smiled. “We are glad you were close enough to help.”

  “Ghorgeous told me the maenads were coming, so I hurried.”

  “Ah. She is helpful.” She quirked a smile. “Maybe there will come an occasion when I rescue you similarly.”

  “She is flirting,” Aurora said. “Hinting that you might see a flash of her naked, as she saw you.”

  “I look forward to that,” he said aloud.

  Their dialogue ran out of fuel and puttered to a halt as they returned to the invisibly green path. Apoca walked closer to him now. He had indeed impressed her, thanks to the ghost. It also suggested that Apoca had no concern at all about his being a crossbreed.

  Soon the group re-formed and resumed traveling. In due course they entered the nefarious pundemic zone. They could tell by the scenery, which somehow looked worn out, as if by too much groaning. Closest to the path there was a row of dresses with arithmetic symbols.

  They continued walking, but somehow made no progress. It was as if their feet were pushing back an invisible moving belt. What was happening?

  Apoca seemed to understand. “Gent,” she murmured.

  Now Pun Gent called out the sights. “Add Dress,” he said, pointing out the one with a large plus sign. “Minus Dress,” with the minus sign. “Multiply Dress” with a big X. “Divide Dress” with its sign. All of them were attractive, apart from their signs.

  Nolan suppressed a groan. How bad was this going to get?

  “They might fit me,” Vinia said. “When I come of age.”

  “There have to be better places to window shop,” Apoca said.

  Yet now they had passed the dresses. “Each abysmal pun has to be recognized before we can pass,” Aurora said. “I remember now.”

  And that was why the punster was with them.

  “Did you notice Gent is no longer talking in homonyms?” the ant asked. “He is in his element now, so the curse may be irrelevant.”

  “Good point.”

  Then Nolan noticed that Apoca was looking at him with surprise. He glanced down. His posterior was bare. His clothing was intact, yet had become translucent in that area. What had happened to it?

  There was something else. Apoca’s own midsection was similarly exposed. And Vinia’s. And Ghorgeous’s. Only Gent’s clothing was opaque.

  Apoca saw his look and glanced down. “Oh, beans!” she swore. Apparently that word was not bleepable.

  “I meant to warn you,” Vinia said. “It seems the side effect is em-bare-ass-ment.”

  Nolan kept his mouth shut. The fact was that both Apoca and the ghost had very nice behinds, and Vinia’s was showing early promise, with or without clothing.

  “This is bleep on modesty,” Ghorgeous lamented. “I thought I’d be immune to any physical effects.”

  The baton seemed amused.

  Nolan pieced it together. “When we run afoul of awful puns, our posteriors show. Embarrassment.”

  “Hilda didn’t give us time to consider,” Vinia said, trying to cover her midsection, but it wasn’t working. “She knew we might balk if we knew.”

  “Which would have been too bad,” Apoca said grimly. “Because we do need to accomplish the mission.”

  Nolan tried to direct his gaze elsewhere, but it resisted. Gent, who was fully covered, was attempting the same, but the ghost’s fine form had a lock on his eyes.

  “Oh, gho ahead and look,” Ghorgeous snapped, completely aware of their gazes. “We’re all in the same bhoat, as it were. It’s the price of the protection.” Apoca nodded agreement, though hardly pleased. Some boats had to navigate rough seas, or “sees” as the pun would have it.

  That did seem best. What else could they do?

  But in barely (so to speak) half a moment, opacity returned to the clothing. The show was over.

  They breathed a collective sigh of relief and walked on, following the green path.

  The next section was no better. There was a stick of wood lying across the path, in the form of giant red lips. Beyond it was a tree branch with a similar configuration, and indeed a whole tree resembling a face with a mouth puckered as if for a kiss. Nolan did not know what to make of it. Neither did the others.

  “Lip stick,” Gent said, kicking the branch out of the way. It made a bzzzt sound as if giving him a raspberry; indeed a red raspberry popped out. He indicated the branch. “Lip branch.” The lips formed into a kiss. Then the tree. “Lip tree.” The other branches moved forward as if to embrace him, but he avoided them. “Mouth stick, face stick,” he concluded. “Not even very good puns. This is a weed tree.” Now the branches tried to smite him for the insult, but he was already out of their range.

  So they had passed another pun cluster. Nolan was coming to appreciate the man more.

  The bare-bottom show was back. Walking next behind Apoca, Nolan realized that there were incidental benefits to the side effect. She had a very nice walk.

  “But what about when she walks behind you?” Aurora asked.

  “She’s as interested in your butt as you are in hers,” Ghorgeous said.

  She was? That was interesting in another manner. But then the effect faded. It seemed that even an egregious collection of puns could embarrass them only so long.

  They came to a big sign: weap. “Uh-oh,” Gent said.

  “What does it mean?” Apoca asked.

  “This marks a region of weap-puns,” Gent explained. “They can be dangerous.”

  And the show was on again. It was now clear why the people of the Queendom of Thanx weren’t using the vac scene. It made for too much scenery.

  “Oh, come now,” Apoca protested. “Puns can be obnoxious, sometimes sickening, giving you pundigestion and all, but they are dangerous only to your sanity, temporarily. We’ll just have to grit our teeth and get through, and maybe wash off the stench of them afterwards.” Her gaze flicked downward, as if there were some dirty looks she’d like to wash off too.

  The thought of stripping and washing with Apoca appealed to Nolan, but he had the sense to keep his mouth shut.

  “Just as well,” Aurora said. “She would not be amused.”

  Gent was adamant. “Not merely sanity, in this case. We’ll have to make a detour around it.”

  Nolan realized that the man might be her love slave, but he did have a mind, and enough will of his own to be sure of protecting her.

  Apoca glanced at Vinia. “The best path goes this way,” the girl said. “But there are less convenient alternates.”

  “So we’ll make slower progress if we detour?” Apoca asked. Obviously she wanted to get beyond the pundemic miasma as quickly as possible.

  “Yes. And encounter worse puns.”

  Apoca turned back to Gent. “Exactly what is dangerous?”

  “The bombs.”

  “What kind of bombs?”

  Gent pointed to a cloud in the shape of a mushroom. “The A-bomb, for one. It can vaporize you, and those it doesn’t destroy it douses with unhealthy radiation. They found that out in Mundania. The pun version might not be as lethal, but we don’t want to mess with it.”

  “He is making sense,” Nolan said, forcing himself to focus on something other than her midsection exposure.

  Apoca looked at an empty space. “Ghorgeous, you’re Mundane. Do you know anything about the A-bomb?”

  The ghost formed, faintly, as if trying to fog out her nudity. It didn’t work; the side effect would not be denied. “It’s the most terrible weapon of all. They never should have used it.”

  “But what about a pun bomb?”

  “That would be the P-bomb. The A-bomb is not very funny.”

  Apoca turned back to Gent. “What else is in this section?”

  “The F-bomb.”

  “What is that? Another mushroom?”

  Gent opened his mouth and swore a blue streak. A jet of blue fire shot out, singeing the nearby foliage. Vinia’s ears turned blue-red, and Nolan recoiled from the foul heat of it.

  Gent took a fresh breath as the noxious blue smoke cleared. “That was an F-bomb. Mine was relatively mild, because the presence of a child caused the worst of it to be bleeped out, but the real thing would be significantly worse.”

  “He is making sense,” Nolan repeated. The man was cursed, but he was sensible.

  Apoca was fazed. “Any more bombs?” she asked weakly.

  “The H-bomb, and others not yet defined. We won’t like them.”

  “The path seems to go uncomfortably close to the bombs,” Vinia said. “I think it just wants to get us there, without being much concerned about our emotional states.”

  Apoca finally gave up. “Take a detour,” she told Vinia with bad grace.

  Nolan realized that he was seeing the woman in a bad moment. That didn’t bother him; it meant she was human.

  They took the detour. The abysmal puns continued, clarified by Gent so they could pass, but no bombs. Their progress was slow and uncertain, as well as explosive, but relatively safe.

  Then they came to a house. It was an odd one. It seemed to be squatting on giant chicken legs, though it clearly was no chicken. When it spied them it jumped up, tilting dangerously, spilling small round things from its open windows. One fell near Vinia, who bent to pick it up. “It’s a nut!” she exclaimed, surprised.

  “It’s a nut house,” Gent explained.

  Nolan and Apoca groaned almost together, turning completely naked.

  Identified, the house settled back down and let them pass.

  Then they came to another oddity. It looked like a Mundane car that had been in a bad accident. Its front fender was dented, one wheel was twisted askew, and its windshield was fragmented. It was a derelict, yet strangely animated, as if fearing yet more damage. Their approach seemed to make it shudder. They were unable to pass by it. What were they missing?

  “It is a nervous wreck,” Gent said.

  Oh. Nolan and Apoca shared another groan and siege of bareness, this time joined by Vinia.

  “This is not the place to build our new anthill,” Aurora remarked. “Even though our ant abdomens are always bare anyway.”

  The sky was darkening. “We had better make camp for the night,” Nolan said. “Daylight puns are bad enough; we don’t want to navigate midnight puns.”

  “Agreed,” Apoca said, slightly surprising him.

  Vinia explored her local paths. “This area is safe,” she reported. “Deep green throughout. Room enough for us all.”

  Nolan was coming to appreciate her talent in a new way. She was quite useful on an excursion like this, and not merely to find the best route.

  “Which is of course why Apoca picked her as a Companion for this Quest,” Aurora said.

  This irked him for some obscure reason. He paused to run it down, and caught it. “It’s supposed to be my Quest, not hers. The Good Magician gave it to me. I’m supposed to pick my Companions.”

  “You are courting her, right? Do you want to tell her that?”

  And have her get mad and depart, just when he was really appreciating her revealed qualities, physical and mental? He sighed.

  “You are better off without the illusion that males run things,” the ant continued. “You don’t now, never have, and never will truly govern. We females allow you to think you are in charge, to make you halfway docile, is all.”

  He feared she was correct.

  There was a shimmer beside the tent he was pitching. A pair of lips formed in the air before his face. “Mind if I join you?” Ghorgeous Ghost inquired.

  “Not at all,” Aurora answered without consulting him.

  Nolan kept his mouth shut. It wasn’t as if he could stop the visit, even if he wanted to. Besides, he owed her.

  Soon they were in their tent, with Gent’s tent adjacent and Apoca’s beyond that. Vinia’s tent was nearby. The ghost was lying invisibly beside him.

  “So what’s on your vaporous mind?” Aurora asked.

  Translucent lips formed. “That side effect. Gent was lhooking at me.”

  “So was Nolan. And you looked at them. You agreed you might as well.”