Chapter 15

  Monday morning Shel managed to keep her happy face on until she walked to work. She was exhausted from the stress of putting it on for Matt. Last night she had almost lost control of herself while they were making love—she wanted him so much, to touch him, to feel him, to have him fuck her until she hurt, to punish her for her deceptions. Of course, he didn’t. He was his usual gentle, sensual self, and when they were done she held him as tightly as she could and wept for several minutes, giving him no good explanation afterward.

  The previous Thursday night she had tried to contact Colin on the secure tab, but it didn’t work. Friday when she got home after work from the ranch she planned to try again, but it was gone along with the security scanner and privacy helmet from her bathroom. Insult added to injury. Shel had tried Colin’s emergency number, but there was no answer. She left three messages asking, then demanding, then pleading for him to call.

  At work Monday she was alone in the office finishing her coffee when it occurred to her that he had called her last Monday on her tab. She looked through the call history and found the number, one she didn’t recognize just after Matt’s call at mid-day. As she tapped the number and pressed the call icon, she tensed, clenching her jaw, with no idea what might happen.

  “Hello.” She was surprised he answered but recognized his voice, angry and demanding as ever.

  “Colin, it’s Michelle.” She expected him to hang up instantly, but there was a second of silence.

  “What do you want? Why are you calling on this line?”

  “I want to know what is going on and who you are. Bob Carey from AstroGene said you work for HelixNova. Is that true? We saw you on video at the demonstration last week.”

  He laughed harshly. “Was he there? What a moron! Can’t even run a decent security operation.”

  “Was he right, do you work for HelixNova?”

  “Yeah. We needed to find out what Jimmy Bell had up his sleeve, and I figured getting a true believer in there was the best and lowest-risk way to do it.” He didn’t sound angry for once, just pleased with himself.

  “So you were never in the anti-GMO group? You lied to me from the start?” She still had trouble believing it.

  “We set the whole thing up,” he said in a self-satisfied tone,” even paid the job-search consultant to put you first in line. That was a mistake—he said you were head and shoulders above the others, but we don’t get everything right every time.

  “Colin, or should I call you Richard? Or just a dick?” She was angry now, angry especially that he was treating it like a joke. “How did you get that demonstration on site so fast? I saw one of the guys from Friends of the Natural Order.”

  He laughed. “That was easy! I got a bunch of your crazy friends all wired up about the ranch having a super dangerous project going bad, and when the lions broke out all I had to do is send plane tickets and meet ’em at the airport with a few vans. God, they were practically foaming at the mouth by the time we got there.” He chuckled. “And I called the sheriff and the feds, too.”

  “Why?” she asked quietly, too confused to say anything else.

  “We had to know what Bell was doing. Business is business, Shel. Grow up.”

  Colin broke the connection and Shel sat staring blankly at her screen with tears running down her cheeks. She sat in her chair unmoving for several minutes, her mind in such an uproar that no single thought lasted to completion before another supplanted it. Just as Shel had begun to pull herself together, there was the sound of the door. She turned in her chair to see Dillon shaking some snow from his jacket.

  “Crazy weather, Shel,” he said. “Freezing and snowing yesterday, still damn cold today, gonna be up on Wednesday and cold again Friday.” He laughed as he turned to look at her, and his face fell, “What’s wrong? You look like your best friend just died. Did you and Matt have a fight?”

  She managed a faint smile and shook her head. “No, we’re fine. I just had some bad news, that’s all. It’ll be OK.”

  “Anything I can do t’ help?”

  “I wish, but thanks for offering.” She smiled at him. He continued to look concerned, and she thought, he’s a friendly guy, everybody here is friendly. And helpful. They’ve been so good to me, helping me settle in and learn about ranch life. And wanting me to be a member of their community. And I’ve lied to them the whole time. She almost started to cry again, but she was able to hold it in. “What can I do for you, Dillon?”

  “Tell the gate guards t’ let my hay delivery in this time, if you would. The horses had t’ work for their feed last week, and I’m running pretty low.”

  She smiled and felt relieved at being given this trivial request, at being able to talk to a normal human being and be of help.

  **

  During the balance of the week Shel mainly held herself together at work. She was not at her best, but by making a great effort to concentrate she was able to get the basics accomplished.

  She worried that Colin—Richard—would expose her role to ranch management or that they’d find out about what she’d done some other way, considering they were currently under the federal microscope. Would she lose her job? Would she lose Matt? She had done it for a cause to which she was committed (and ranch ownership definitely would oppose), but it didn’t seem to her that would make any difference to anyone. She had lied, deceived, and taken confidential information. If the ranch people had been mean-spirited environmental pirates and the project had been something with potentially damaging side effects it would be easier for her to justify her actions, and maybe she could leave with a clear conscience. But these people were honest, friendly, sincere, and cared for the land. Even Jimmy Bell was just a rich guy chasing a relatively harmless obsession.

  Maybe that was a gross oversimplification. Maybe she could just give her notice, work it out, and go back to Boston. She could go to Matt, tell her story, and ask him to forgive her. But she had broken trust with him. And with all of her friends at the ranch. The fact that she had been tricked into doing it didn’t justify anything. She felt ashamed.

  On Thursday night Matt called. They talked about the weather, their work days, nothing substantial—until Shel blurted out, “We have to talk about me and why I came to Montana. I can’t hide it anymore. You have to hear it so you can decide if you ever want to see me again.” She managed to not break down or cry. She just held her breath after she said it.

  Matt was silent for a moment. “I don’t know what you could say that’d make me not want t’ see you again. Sunday you said you had things you needed t’ get straight—is that what you’re talkin about?”

  “Yes, and I don’t have them straight but I can’t go on without telling you.”

  “OK,” Matt replied, sounding tentative and uncertain. “Tomorrow after work? I can’t believe you have some dark secret.” He paused, and she could hear the amusement in his tone when he asked, “Are you a cattle rustler? Or a serial killer?”

  “I wish it was that simple, I really do.”

  **

  The following day she left work early, pleading a headache. Anxiety had overwhelmed her, and she hoped driving home, stopping to buy a couple of items for dinner, and cleaning her apartment would settle her before Matt arrived. She dressed in what she imagined would be unalluring, close-to-unattractive jeans and a shirt and removed what little makeup she had worn that day.

  When she opened the door for him, he said, “Hello beautiful.” She could not resist returning his kiss and embracing him. He was so handsome, his scent was reassuring, he felt good to hold, and, in the back of her mind she was afraid it would be the last time.

  She backed away as he closed the door, and she straightened her clothes, as if she had done something wrong. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that but I couldn’t help it,” she said. He looked at her in surprise. “We have to talk. Do you want a beer? I’ll put the pizza in.” She talked quickly and turned to go to the kitchen as she spoke.

  “A beer is fine. What are you havin?”

  “Nothing. Water. I need to concentrate and not lose track of my thoughts.”

  “Where’ll we sit?” he asked.

  “Table’s fine. I’ll be right there.” She put a frozen pizza in the oven, got a beer from the fridge, a glass of water for herself, and came to the table. They looked at each other for a moment. He was silent, and as she looked into his eyes she tried to imagine what it would be like to fall from a great height. Would it be a release or even more frightening than the contemplation of it?

  “I’m a spy,” she said simply, and it hung out there between them for a moment.

  “A spy? Who for? Russia? The IRS?” She saw she had genuinely taken him by surprise.

  “I thought I was a spy for an anti-GMO group, but it turns out I was a spy for HelixNova.” He was silent and leaned back in his chair. She took a deep breath. “In my former life, before I came here last March, I was an accountant at a company that manufactured scientific and laboratory furniture. I was also an active member of a group devoted to opposing genetic modification of animals, pretty much anything that Jimmy Bell or AstroGene or HelixNova wanted to do, we opposed. I wasn’t a leader but I was an enthusiastic and committed member. I went to demonstrations, wrote to my congressman and senators, that sort of thing. I was arrested a couple of times but never actually charged with anything. I mean it was just trespassing, we never—or at least I never—destroyed any property or got in fights with people. I believed in the cause, and I still do.”

  Matt looked at her with a critical eye and said, “This seems like a strange career choice, coming here, t’ the ranch.”

  She nodded. “Last fall I was approached by a guy I had met at a few meetings who seemed like he was totally committed, a true believer. He asked me if I’d be willing to do something radical for the cause. I had just broken up with Rick, and I was at loose ends, emotionally low. The way he presented it made it seem like a good opportunity to advance the cause. And I needed a change. All he said was that it would involve moving to another part of the country, taking a job, and reporting to him what I saw. He made it sound like it would be exciting and make a difference to the movement. The worst outcome would be that I’d get fired. So I said sure.”

  “Did he give you details?”

  “No. He was very persuasive, which seems odd in retrospect because he’s actually a complete prick. He handed me an envelope—it was just a data net job board listing number, but it was all surreptitious like in an old spy movie—and he said, ‘Apply for this job and be sure it’s the best job application you’ve ever written.’ Then he was gone. I was excited when I looked up the ranch and saw who the owner was.”

  “Jimmy Bell.” He seemed to her amused by what must have sounded melodramatic.

  “For us, he’s like the great Satan.” She smiled briefly at the recollection and her own guilelessness. “I had heard about the Bison antiquus, which made the situation all the more exciting. To make a long story short, I got the job and moved here.”

  “What was there t’ spy on here? It’s just a ranch.”

  “The ant farm project. Colin—that’s what he said his name was—was convinced it was something about livestock and it would be a threat to the cattle industry and the environment in general.

  “What’d they want t’ know?” Matt asked.

  The timer buzzed for the pizza, and she got up to take it from the oven, continuing to talk as she did. “Another beer? They knew that there was a new project coming to the ant farm and they wanted to know all about it. That was my assignment—find out as much about the project as possible and when it was coming.”

  She came back to the table with two plates of pizza and his second beer.

  “I didn’t begin to hear about the project until February,” he said. “You started in March. They must have known last fall to get you set up. You did ask a lot of questions at first, I do remember that, but figured it was just because you were new here.”

  “That’s the first thing I feel bad about, Matt. I was pushing myself in a way that really isn’t me. When you and I started to get close I promised myself to stop asking you about the ant farm, but sometimes you’d drop some comment that would end up in a report. I didn’t look in through people’s windows or bug their cars, but I got good at remembering all kinds of things people said. It was pretty intrusive.”

  “Did you get what this guy wanted? I still can’t imagine you did because the rest of us didn’t know the date until a few weeks in advance, or about the lions till they arrived.”

  “He was really pushy, aggressive, and generally an asshole. Nothing was ever enough. And this is another thing I feel really bad about. I gave him information about the ranch data system, passwords, the software. He wanted me to provide him a way in, which I could never figure out, and as far as I can tell he never managed to hack in from the outside. The ant farm system is separate from the ranch, and I didn’t have access to that. Maybe I’m naïve or just inexperienced, but it seems like a way more secure system than I’d expected to find on a cattle ranch.”

  Matt rolled his eyes at her. “We didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. This is a modern business, run like a business, and aware of what it all takes. Mr. Bell, I’ve heard, is almost paranoid about information security and industrial espionage.” She thought he looked disapproving.

  “Colin was getting more hysterical and hounding me all the time,” she went on, “and everybody was getting worked up as the date approached. You know that, you were crazy busy.” He nodded. “Colin was convinced the project would be about improving cattle. I guess that was the big draw for him. He wanted, or HelixNova wanted, to know what AstroGene was cooking up. They thought once whatever it was got here they could get a sample.”

  “What’d he think of the lions?” Matt asked with a smile.

  “He didn’t believe me at first,” she said. “He was speechless for once. It made no sense to him at all. I was shocked as well. Nothing about it made sense. Colin was pissed off at me.” She smiled ruefully. “Even more than usual. He was really difficult to deal with. If I hadn’t believed in the cause, I would have packed it up months and months ago.”

  “I’m glad you stayed, Shel. Was that it with him?”

  “No. The morning after the lions escaped there was a demonstration at the ant farm gate. We all watched it at the manager’s house.”

  “I remember hearin about that. In all the other confusion it was just one more crazy thing goin on.”

  “Yeah,” Shel continued, “I was confused when I saw one of my more extreme friends from Boston was in the crowd. Then I saw Colin shouting and waving a sign. I was shocked. The security guy from AstroGene was too. When he recognized Colin and said he worked for HelixNova security, I tell you, Matt, my whole insides twisted in a knot.”

  “What did you think was goin on?” he asked.

  “I didn’t know. When I finally talked to Colin, he told me the whole thing of me being here was a set up so they could find out about the project he was his usual sneering asshole self. He told me it was just business, and I was a dummy to fall for it.” She was near tears now. Matt reached across the table to hold her hand, but she drew it back. “All this time I thought I was helping to save the world, or at least improve a bit of it, and it was a lie. Everybody at the ranch has been so good to me, and all I’ve done is lie to them, every day.”

  She hated herself for it, and she broke down in tears. Matt moved closer to her and put an arm around her shoulder, but he didn’t say anything. She continued to cry for a minute or two, then started to dry her eyes with a napkin. She turned to him. “And I’ve lied to you. You’ve been so good to me and I want to be with you so much, but all I’ve done is lie to you. And taken things you’ve said to me in private and passed them on.” She felt so bad, so empty inside, and she was terrified he wouldn’t want her. She began to cry again, now with her head against his shoulder.

  “Shel,” he finally said, “I know y’had mixed feelings about what Bell and his company do. Do y’still feel the same?”

  She lifted her head from his shoulder and looked blankly across the room. “Yes I do. The ants prove that Jimmy Bell and his company don’t know everything and are willing to just try things on a whim. The ants have been written off as a failure, like a bad batch of concrete. It’s inhumane.”

  Matt started to say something.

  “No, let me finish.” She shushed him. “What I have seen is a group of honest, hardworking, regular people doing their jobs and committed to the ranch, and I respect them greatly.” She looked to Matt now. “So I’ve seen two sides of the issue. There’s the corporate guys pushing their agendas, no matter how strange or out of touch, and that includes Colin and HelixNova, and the regular people that are busy living their lives. In Boston I was one of the inflamed activists, that’s another face of the issue.”

  For a few moments he just looked at her. The silence weighed on her, even though it only lasted for seconds. She was about to ask him what he thought when he started to speak.

  “I never would’ve guessed. I mean I had the feelin sometimes you were wound up tight inside, but mainly that you were real. The best thing that ever happened for me, I thought. This is really strange, confusin.” His expression was worried. He looked to her, as if he were waiting for an answer.

  “Matt, I’m so sorry. But I’ve told you everything now, the truth. There’s no more secrets.” He didn’t answer. “I should leave and go back east. I can’t imagine facing people on the ranch after what I’ve done. I’m so ashamed.” She started crying again and Matt held her close, but his embrace felt stiff and awkward.