Chapter 16

  They talked, but to Matt their halting conversation was an uncomfortable, distant experience. They were both tired, their energy consumed by the evening’s conversation. Matt said he would go home. He needed time to think. Shel insisted he stay rather than risk the dark, dangerous streets. A front had come through, and it was suddenly cold, twenty degrees below normal with a high probability of icy roads.

  She gave him her sleeping bag and a pillow, and she pumped up the air mattress she kept for guests so he could be comfortable on her living room floor. His sleep was shallow and fitful. When he awoke from time to time he would stare up at the dark ceiling. She had seemed friendly, if shy, at first. Over time everyone at the ranch who knew her had come to like her, and, she seemed to like all of them. Was that all fake? What was she really like? The data-system things she had talked about bothered him. Had she given HelixNova access to the ranch systems? She didn’t even know for sure. Any large business, like the ranch, ran on its collected and stored data, its methods and procedures. To take that information was like stealing, as much as taking money or equipment. Between an employee and an employer there was an understanding that in return for wages the employee would support and protect the employer’s property and goals. When she arrived, from her first day, her goal had been to damage the ranch.

  How could she have done it?

  He thought about their good times. He remembered introducing her to Charlie, the time they’d all spent together. Riding horses, showing her the land, and feeling her enthusiasm for it. Going out together. Dancing. Making love and pillow talk afterward. The idea that she might leave brought tears to his eyes. Loneliness overwhelmed him, and he felt achingly hollow.

  As the night went on his moods shifted. He became angry. She had used him, taken advantage. Did he let his guard down or did she just sucker him like she did everyone else on the ranch? He always felt a measure of uncertainty and caution in his relations with women—was that why they didn’t last? He couldn’t let himself go, truly be and share with a woman? Just when he was beginning to think that this one might be the one, it had blown up more strangely and unexpectedly than he could ever have imagined.

  At about seven thirty in the morning he heard Shel quietly making coffee. He floated up into consciousness from a dream about driving through a confusing series of roads toward a destination he couldn’t remember. He opened his eyes and saw Shel in her bathrobe moving about the kitchen. He felt a wave of pleasure at the sight of her, then, almost immediately he was overcome by the confusion of last night’s revelations.

  As he looked at her he wondered, Who is this woman?

  And then he was angry, although, he couldn’t tell if the anger was at her for what she had done or at himself for being taken in. He knew he didn’t want to be angry at her. He needed to get out.

  “Good morning,” Shel said when he sat up. “Sleep OK?”

  “No. You?” His tone was more abrupt than he had intended. He only wanted to leave as quickly and painlessly as possible.

  “Not so much. Lots of thrashing around and staring at the dark. Want some coffee?”

  “No. I need t’ go.” He was standing now, pulling on his jeans and looking around for his boots. This conversation was taking too long, it was dragging.

  “Can we at least talk some before you go?” He could hear an edge of pleading in her voice, and it made him more uncomfortable.

  “Not right now. I’m messed up.” He was stepping into his boots. She didn’t say anything as he put on his jacket, found his keys in a pocket, and turned toward the door.

  “Matt, please. I need to know how you feel.”

  “Me too. When I know, then we’ll talk.” He had opened the door and now turned to look at her once more—her face was crumpling into despair. He wanted to rush back and hold her, comfort her, and he wanted to get away. After the briefest of mid-stride pauses, he stepped outside and closed the door behind him. He leaned against the railing on the balcony outside her apartment to collect himself. Through the door he heard her beginning to sob. He took a breath, turned toward the stairway, and walked away. He had left Shel’s apartment in such a rush that he had to make a stop at a fast food place for the bathroom and some coffee too. A big one. It was beginning to settle him down as he drove. Saturday morning with some snow and maybe some ice on the road, so he drove slowly and carefully.

  Why was she so worked up about genetic engineering and development anyway? He had no particular opinions and regarded it in the same light as many other technical innovations, like better cars, operating the ranch on solar and wind energy, warmer houses in winter, and so on. He was aware that in the last ten years cattle had become available that were more winter hardy, and the ranch had been trying some out for a few years. It was all progress that improved people’s lives and businesses. Shel had talked from time to time about genetic modifications, that she thought they were a bad idea, but she had never given voice to how strongly she apparently felt about the issue. Had he misjudged the depth of her feelings or had she hidden them purposefully?

  **

  At home Matt spent the morning catching up on paperwork he had ignored or delayed during the past two weeks. It was some relief to focus on bureaucratic tasks and blot out his immediate troubles. At noon he went to the main shed at the headquarters to move the quads and trucks out to make room for the monthly social. The social was supposed to be held on the first Friday of the month, but in the aftermath of the lion escape and extra work it had created, management decided to have it on Saturday afternoon. Earlier in the week Matt had told Mary he would move the vehicles to make space indoors. A big turnout was expected. Everyone would have stories to tell or want to hear the details from those most closely involved in the action.

  He sat down at one o’clock with Ronnie and Eric to watch the Montana-versus-Idaho football game. The game was close and Ronnie was a serious fan, so most of the discussion centered on football. At one point Eric asked, “What’s up with Shel? Evelyn was talkin t’ Bridget and heard she’s been really down this week.”

  Fortunately there was a big play in the game just then, so Matt had a few moments to come up with something: “She was lookin forward t’ her folks visiting, but they canceled just before the lions got out. Hasn’t seen ’em since she came here, and it’s got her down. Then somethin else came up, personal. She’s had things on her mind.”

  “Well, if it’s you she’s got a problem with, you better fix it,” Ronnie put in. “She’s a keeper. Step away and there’ll be guys standin in line.” Eric nodded in agreement. A picture came to Matt’s mind of the ranch hands standing in a line outside the ranch office door. It was silly, but it made him angry. They can have her, he thought, and at the same time he felt a chill in his gut.

  Montana managed to pull away, and near the end of the fourth quarter there seemed little doubt about which team would prevail. At the two-minute warning Ronnie asked Matt with a grin, “Got your stories ready? There’s gonna be a lot of questions at the social and even more tall tales about trackin those big lions.”

  “You mean like how Will faced one down with a huntin knife when he was guardin a boundary gate?” Matt asked with a laugh, and Eric chuckled. There had been any number of outlandish stories told about encounters with the lions as they were being recaptured. “No, I won’t have any trouble, I’ll tell what I saw and did.” The others nodded, and after a moment of silence Matt continued, “Y’know, life would be a lot simpler if people just stuck with the truth.”

  **

  Despite the cold afternoon and forecast of more snow overnight almost all of the ranch workers, along with family and friends, came to the social. People were elbow to elbow inside the shed. Matt moved through the crowd listening to others telling their experiences and telling his own story of the great lion hunt. At least with such a crowd the shed was warm. When the bell rang to announce dinner Matt hung back and watched people line up and move along the serving tables. When the social was held inside, and especially with as big a crowd as tonight’s, the kitchen volunteers cooked the burgers instead of people cooking their own on the grill. Matt watched Shel and Mary and Susan serve out the burgers. Shel seemed cheerful as she talked to Mary and genuinely friendly to people in the line. She had something to say to each person, and they all smiled back at her. Was she putting it on? In his slough of sadness he couldn’t believe that she was as happy and friendly as she appeared, but there she was.

  Finally he got in line with a couple of the other hands. Mary smiled and handed him a burger. He moved on past Shel, and their eyes locked for only a moment. Her cheerful expression and manner faded—no, deflated—in that moment to sadness, to grief, he thought. He moved on without speaking, but the instant change in her expression took his breath away. From the corner of his eye he saw that the next person got the sadness from her too, but by the time the person after that passed she was almost back to cheerful and friendly. He felt empty and alone in that moment, and the intensity of his feelings was a surprise that set him back more.

  He found a group to eat with, told his share of stories, and listened to others with some skepticism, whiling the time away. Once the serving was done and the others at his table had gone, Mary came to join him. “Busy night,” she said as she sat down. He nodded. “How’d your stories compare? I’ve heard quite a range.” He smiled.

  “Mine were the best of the true ones,” Matt told her, leaning toward her as if to be confidential. “I didn’t see the eight-hundred-pound lions with the blood of their last kills still drippin from their long, sharp, curvin, teeth. That would’ve been interestin,” he finished as Mary laughed.

  “I heard some good ones too,” she replied, her manner now more serious. “Like how Shel and you been fightin and there’s a stripper in Great Falls you’ve been gettin to know.” He was taken aback, and it must have shown. “She left early. Said she wasn’t feelin well, but I don’t buy it. What’s going on with you two?”

  “I’m not sure I’m ready t’ share, but there’s no other woman if that’s what you’re wondering.”

  “I know you better than that. You’re two of my friends and I worry when things look wrong. This is too small a place t’ let problems go unsolved. People’ll talk and that doesn’t help anyone. Is there somethin, anythin, I can do?”

  He felt cornered, but at the same time he wished he could talk it out with somebody. “Shel’s had somethin on her mind, and when she finally brought it up t’ me yesterday we had a big argument. I haven’t figured out what t’ think or how I feel about it or what t’ say t’ her.” He paused and looked away. “So we’re just kind of at odds right now.”

  Mary looked concerned. “What could be such a big deal, Matt? I haven’t seen two people as happy together as you and Shel in a long time.”

  He had been happy. They both had, or so he thought. But all through it she had kept her secrets from him, fooled him, stolen his words, and now he didn’t know up from down about Shel. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “Once in a while people can surprise you, Mary. Thanks for dinner.” He got up from his chair.

  Mary stood up to block his way. “Don’t give up on her, Matt,” she said. “You need t’ find a way t’ fix it up. I think the world of you both and it’d be a shame for you t’ fall apart.” He thanked her for her concern as he stepped around her and walked away, but his main thought was that she didn’t know Shel like he did.

  **

  Sunday was warmer but Matt stayed in all day, first finishing paperwork then watching more football. Ronnie called to see if he wanted to go to town, but he made an excuse. The anger that had dominated on Saturday cooled and gave way to a general sense of confusion and frustration. There was no way he could talk to anyone on the ranch about what Shel had done. Once word got out she would certainly lose her job and the ranch community would shun her, if not administer some informal Montana justice. That wouldn’t help.

  Jackie called him around seven in the evening to talk about Thanksgiving. With all the happenings at the ranch, it hadn’t even occurred to Matt to look that far ahead. Jackie thought the visits with Matt had been good for Charlie. She asked if Matt wanted to establish a routine of swapping visits at Christmas and Thanksgiving. Matt had thought this possibility, when he did imagine it, would have been years away. Just talking about it thrilled him, and for a few moments the distress of the last couple of days receded.

  “I’d love that,” he told her. “Thank you for offering. They have a real nice Thanksgivin dinner here on the ranch, and there’s always families and kids. Let’s talk in a couple of weeks. Things are still settlin down here so I can’t be sure yet what’s gonna happen this year.”

  They talked for a few more minutes, then Jackie put Charlie on. All he wanted was to hear about the sabertooth tigers at the ranch. Media reports had opted for drama over accuracy, and half the country had been riveted by stories of ferocious escaped carnivores with seven-inch teeth on a rampage of death. It took Matt a couple of minutes to work through the enthusiasm of misinformation and clarify it as best he could—especially about the teeth—and finally tell Charlie no, he would probably not be able to meet a lion on his next visit.

  As he prepared to go to bed later in the evening, Matt thought with amusement about Charlie’s seven-year-old enthusiasm for fierce wild animals and the misleading perceptions it could lead to. He wondered if his own enthusiasm for Shel could have misled him into making bad judgments about her.

  **

  Working kept him focused, but Shel was there in his thoughts nonetheless. He avoided the office completely by having Eddy take the paperwork in and get supplies when they needed them from the main shed. Shel messaged him Tuesday about work-related items, and he let Eddy be the go-between.

  Early on Wednesday morning he was picking up a trailer and two horses at the barn when Dillon took him aside. “I go into the office and Shel’s trying t’ look all perky when it’s clear she’s down in the dumps. Mary tells me there’s somethin goin on between you two, and I haven’t seen you for days—like you’re hiding. What gives?”

  “We had an argument,” Matt replied after a pause. He didn’t know what to say or how to talk to Dillon about it. “Still tryin t’ figure it out. I’m not so good with women, y’know?”

  “Well, y’better figure it out soon. There’s not too many things that get better ignored. Now, who do you want? Daisy’s pretty good on the slopes, Mike too.” Matt nodded, and he and Dillon got the two horses tacked up and into the trailer.

  Riding back down the trail late in the afternoon brought to mind riding with Shel and what fun it had been. Maybe it was time for him to move on from the ranch and be closer to Charlie. He thought, too, that if he and Shel did have any chance of being together they needed to get off the ranch. There would always be the fear of discovery here for Shel, and perhaps in a new place, a new setting, they could rebuild their trust. Well, actually, he didn’t know about her, but for sure he needed to rebuild trust. At the same time he was lonely and missed her desperately.

  Midmorning Thursday, Matt was driving to the owner’s house to meet Marty Sanders and look at some cracks in the concrete when his tab rang. He pressed the button to put it on speaker.

  “Julia, how are you—”

  “Matt!” she cut him off angrily. “What the fuck is goin on? Arlen says you’ve been wanderin around all week with your face so long it’s draggin, and now Shel’s talkin about goin back east. Did y’know that?” He didn’t, but before he could get the second half of a syllable out she went on. “What a fucking waste! She’s the best bookkeeper and office organizer I’ve ever seen. If she leaves, the place will be back t’ chaos. And you taught her t’ ride, and I taught her t’ shoot, so she fits in just fine. And everybody likes her, especially me. Why haven’t y’got over whatever’s buggin you two and made it right again?”

  “We had an argument. It’s not settled. And I’d thank you and everyone else for not tryin t’ settle it for us.”

  “I was just there in the office and she says she hasn’t seen you since Saturday and y’don’t return her messages. That’s not exactly settlin it. Men! The world keeps turnin while you guys try t’ figure out about your feelins. I don’t even know what it’s about. God, she can be tight lipped. Y’better get down there and work on it before time runs out.”

  Matt was flustered and irritated by the tirade. “Thanks, Julia. I’ll see what I can do. Talk t’ you later.”

  Before he could disconnect, she added, “She’s totally wrecked, Matt. Y’got t’ do somethin.” He thanked her again stiffly and ended the call. It was disconcerting, the thought of Shel being “totally wrecked.” His mind wandered briefly, then he caught himself drifting off the road and took control of his truck again.

  That evening Matt stared at the walls of the prefab trying to compose his thoughts enough to send a message to Shel. He knew he couldn’t talk to her on the tab or a video link, it would have to be in person. He was afraid if it went badly they’d be finished, and he’d have no chance at all. His idea was for them to start looking for work off the ranch, down south along I-90, where he could be closer to Charlie and she could be out from under the shadow of her secret life. He hoped, he really hoped, she would be willing to give him a chance. He guessed it would not be easy for either of them.

  “I’d like to have lunch with you tomorrow,” he typed into his tab. “I’ll bring some sandwiches and be there at the office at noon. We can talk. Sorry to have taken so long.” He pressed send and waited, awash in anxiety.

  A few minutes later there was a message beep, and he took a deep breath before reading her reply: “I’d like that. There are still lots of leftovers from the social so we can make something together. S.”