I quietly sat the bonsai tree on a counter. I was clearly out-grouched today, and the confrontations would have to wait.

  “And how did you even get in here?!” Dodie demanded. “The kitchen door was locked!”

  “Yeah, I had to pick the lock,” Rory said, producing a ring of battered skeleton keys and other dubious tools from his pocket. “It was a real pain in the butt too. Don't think I won't be mentioning it in my Yelp review. But it was either that or starve.”

  “Starve?! You done ate all the egg salad, chicken salad and tuna salad that I made for lunch! Now I don't have nothing to give anybody!”

  “Good to know,” Rory said, rising from the table and wiping his mouth with a hairy arm. “I'll eat lunch somewhere else then. Thanks for the heads up.” He tipped his baseball cap to us and lumbered out of the kitchen. Dodie picked up a rolling pin and was about to follow him into the hall, but I quickly stepped between her and the door.

  “Hey, Dodie,” I said as I cautiously removed the rolling pin from her hand, “I just had a great idea. Why don't we try counting to ten or visualizing a calm blue ocean? I've heard good things about that.”

  “I can't work like this, Teri! It's bad enough with them bird men, but how am I supposed to plan a meal for anybody with that hog eatin' us out of house and home? If something don't change soon, I'm gonna-”

  Suddenly, Dodie's voice was drowned out by blast of blaring music. Someone was playing “Maniac” from the movie Flashdance at a volume normally reserved for football stadiums.

  “She's at it again!” Dodie sighed.

  As quickly as it had started, the music stopped and I could hear raised voices coming from the dining room. “I'm going to go check on that,” I said. “Why don't you make yourself a cup of tea and relax and try not to commit any felonies while I'm gone, okay?”

  I opened the dining room door and found Aunt Sam holding a large pink boom box out of the reach of Stella, who was dressed in a neon orange spandex leotard, complete with pink legwarmers. She looked like an extra in a Jane Fonda workout video circa 1985.

  “First you say I can't play my workout music in my room and now you say I can't play it down here! I wish you would make up your mind!” Stella shouted.

  “I told you that you can't play your music that loudly,” Aunt Sam said firmly. “It's too early and people are trying to sleep!”

  “Well I need to exercise somewhere! This body didn't happen by itself, you know!”

  Just then Augie appeared in the the doorway, wrapped in a sheet with a plastic shopping bag full of ice perched on his head. “I wish you would keep the noise down,” he moaned. “It's making my cardio tunnel syndrome play up something fierce! I'll be lucky if I don't end up in the emergency room before this is all over!”

  “Carpal tunnel syndrome,” Stella said, rolling her eyes.

  “After a night on that lumpy bed we had, I probably have that too.”

  Before Aunt Sam or I could inject some sanity into the situation, Herb burst into the room carrying a bundle of mosquito netting that had been cut into strips. “What's the big idea of booby trapping my room!” he bellowed. “I got up to take a pee last night and got tied up like a kipper! If I hadn't had my pocket knife handy, I could have been killed!”

  “You cut up the mosquito netting?” Aunt Sam said, horrified. “Do you have any idea how much that costs?”

  “Speaking of mosquitoes,” Fern said, bustling in behind Herb, “we were just about eaten alive last night! As soon as I opened the window, they swarmed in like gangbusters. I've got bites all over me. Haven't you people ever heard of an exterminator?”

  “That's. What. The. Mosquito. Netting. Is. For.” Aunt Sam said slowly, her hands clenched so tightly her knuckles had turned white. “And why did you open the windows in the first place? There's a sign on every window sill telling you not to open them. It was almost 80 degrees out last night. That's why we have air-conditioning.”

  “Oh, you've got an excuse for everything. If you think you're going to abuse us and charge us for the privilege, you've got another think coming!”

  “Well, hi there,” called a voice from the hall. “I hope we're not interrupting.”

  I turned to see two clowns standing in the doorway. One had a bright blue curly wig and an orange polka dotted dress along with blue and orange striped socks and red shoes. The other was wearing a multi-colored curly wig and a green suit coat with matching shorts held up by suspenders, plus long purple socks and very large green shoes.

  “Please tell me you see them too,” Augie whispered to me.

  “You're not interrupting anything important, Tilly,” Aunt Sam said to the blue-haired clown. “Teri, you remember Clint and Tilly Owens? I introduced you to them the other day.”

  “Uh, yes, of course, “ I said. “I should have recognized them sooner.”

  “Well, we won't keep you, “ Tilly said cheerfully. “Brody is coming to give us a ride into town on his float. We just wanted to tell you not to bother making breakfast for us. We'll grab something in town.”

  “That's right, we gotta work up an appetite first!” Clint chimed in with a chuckle. Just then a loud wheezing honk sounded from out in front of the house. “That must be Brody now! Well, we're off to entertain those little savages again! Wish us luck!”

  “Have fun!” Aunt Sam called after them as they left the room.

  “You didn't tell me that Tilly and Clint were clowns,” I said.

  “Oh yes, they performed in a circus when they were young. At least, that what Clint tells me; I'm never sure if he's joking about that or not. Clint and Tilly come down here for Archie Gras every year and they put on quite a show. They do quite well for themselves from what I hear.”

  “This place is a loony bin!” Fern exclaimed. “Come on, everyone, we're going back to our rooms before they have tigers and monkeys wandering the halls!”

  “Where's Bertie? I want to talk to her!” Herb grumbled, following her out the door.

  “We will deal with that later! Come along!”

  “Not too much later, I hope,” Augie said. “I keep telling you, my frequent flier miles are only good for a limited amount of time, and I don't see any reason to waste money willy-nilly when-”

  “Will you shut up about your frequent flier miles?” Stella snapped as she pushed Augie out the door ahead of her.

  We listened to them bicker until they were out of earshot.

  “Well, that happened,” I said.

  “And it's still morning too,” Aunt Sam sighed, sitting down on the nearest chair. “The Auks aren't even up yet. I don't know how I'm going to get through the day.”

  Just then I heard the front door open, and a moment later, Dr. Brad stuck his head in the door, and smiled at us. “So, how are my favorite ladies, today?” he said. “Working hard or hardly working? Ha ha!”

  Aunt Sam didn't answer, but her face resembled one of those angry samurai pictures from ancient Japan.

  “I see,” Dr. Brad said. “I take it my in-laws haven't been behaving themselves?”

  “How do you live with them?” Aunt Sam demanded.

  “I don't. I visit for Thanksgiving or Christmas once every three years; five if I can get away with it. The Doyletts are like nuclear radiation. The less you expose yourself to them, the happier and healthier you will be.”

  “This isn't funny, Brad. Your in-laws are wrecking their rooms and disturbing our other guests. Not to mention that the rooms they're occupying belong to another customer who will be on a flight here once it stops snowing in Kansas- assuming the bed and breakfast is still standing by the time he gets here!”

  “Yes, I understand.” Dr. Brad sighed and plopped into a chair across from Aunt Sam. “To tell the truth, things haven't exactly been rosy at my house either. The longer Bertie stays with me, the more she seems to forget that she's my sister and not my mother. At the rate things are going, she will be bottle feeding me before long!”

  “Dodie's not doing too well either, “ I added. “She's practically on the verge of a nervous breakdown.”

  “Well, that's that then,” Aunt Sam said. “We are going to send them all back to Minnesota and fast!”

  “And how do you plan to pull that off?” Dr. Brad asked. “Do have a SWAT team on speed dial?”

  “Actually, I was thinking of inviting them to dinner. A good old fashioned family-style dinner right here in the dining room. The kind that brings back memories of pleasanter times when they all enjoyed each others company. With a little luck, we can get them in a good enough mood to talk out their differences and all go home.”

  “Do you think that will really work?”

  “I think it just might. The Doyletts are a bunch of small-minded shallow people who thrive off drama, and if you will forgive me for saying so, Brad, so is your sister.”

  “No offense taken, Sam,” Dr. Brad said with a grin. “That's a fair description.”

  “But I don't think they're really bad people at heart. If we sit everyone down to talk calmly, I'm sure we can convince Herb and Bertie to either start working to repair their relationship and get Herb help for his drinking, or at least convince them to split without a lot of fighting and trouble so that they can move on with their lives in peace.”

  “And move back to Minnesota and leave us in peace, as a bonus,” Dr. Brad added.

  “Do you think that the Doyletts will agree to this dinner?” I asked. “They seem to be in fighting mode right now.”

  “I don't think that will be a problem,” Aunt Sam said. “The Doyletts don't like being here any more than we like having them here. I think they will be agreeable to just about anything if it means they can catch the next plane home. And if that doesn't work, the lure of a free meal will, if Rory is any indication.”

  “That just might work.” Dr. Brad said thoughtfully.

  “Will you be able to convince Bertie to come?”

  “Yes, she'll come. In spite of her new hobby of mothering me into a nervous breakdown, I think she'd be happy to go back home, too. Besides, Bertie would never miss an opportunity to attend a party.”

  “Good. Then it's decided. We will have it at 8 o'clock tonight. I don't think I can get the Auks out of the dining room any earlier. Can you make then, Brad?”

  “We'll be there with bells on. You are a marvel as always, Sammie.”

  “Flattery will get you everywhere, Brad.”

  “Which is exactly why I employ it, my dear. See you this evening, ladies!”

  “Now for the hard part,” Aunt Sam said, after Dr. Brad had left.

  “The hard part?” I asked.

  “Telling Dodie that besides her regular duties, we need her to make a family-style dinner for the Doyletts by 8 o'clock.”

  “You'd better let me secure the rolling pins first.”

  Chapter Four

  Fortunately for Aunt Sam and I, Dodie had calmed down since I last left her and didn't make any sudden moves for blunt objects when Aunt Sam explained the plan to her. “That ain't gonna be easy, but I'll do it if it will get that big galoot out of here before he eats us into the poorhouse,” Dodie said.

  “That's the spirit,” Aunt Sam said. “We'll call Nick and see if he can bring some kind of fish that won't take long to cook, and there are plenty of veggies in the garden to go with it.”

  “Ask him for swordfish steaks. I know they ain't cheap but they only take four minutes on each side on the grill so they'll be easy to cook.”

  “I'm sure Nick can find them. He would probably be happy to grill them for you too, if Teri asks him nicely,” Aunt Sam said, giving me a wink.

  She clearly had more confidence in my feminine wiles than I did. “Aye aye, captain. I'll limber up my lashes to get them ready for batting,” I said. “So what do you have in mind for the rest of the menu?”

  After a bit of discussion, Dodie and Aunt Sam settled on grilled swordfish steaks with peach salsa, roasted fingerling potatoes, grilled white asparagus, street corn salad and key lime cheesecake for dessert. It was a pretty ambitious dinner for such a short notice; more ambitious than the Doyletts deserved, in my opinion. But since no one had actually asked for my opinion, I decided to keep my mouth shut.

  “I'll get in touch with Nick right away,” I said and went outside to call him. When I punched in his number on speed dial I could hear it ringing not only on my phone but also somewhere nearby. I followed the ringing sound around the back of the house and over to the swimming pool. Nick was sitting on the side of the pool with his feet in the water along with two Auks who were holding fishing rods. There were a lot of beer cans floating in the water and Nick seemed to be giving them instructions in the best way to cast their lines in order to catch one.

  “You can't fish in the swimming pool,” I said.

  Nick looked up at me and said, “Just a minute Teri, someone's calling me.” He picked up his phone and said, “Hello?”

  “You can't fish in the swimming pool,” I said into my phone.

  “Can you hold, Teri? Someone just walked up to me and needs to talk.”

  “Obscene phone call,” Nick said, slipping his phone back into his pocket. “Happens all the time. It's just the price you pay when you're a sexy boat captain like me. So, what can I do for you, Teri?”

  “Swordfish.”

  “If that's a euphemism for something, you've lost me, but I'm intrigued.”

  “You wish. Dodie needs some swordfish steaks for dinner tonight and she thought you'd know where to get them.

  “She thought right,” Nick said. “My buddy has a cook-and-catch over by the beach and he told me someone brought in a swordfish just yesterday.”

  “You mean he didn't cook it for them yet?”

  “Oh, yeah, he cooked some swordfish steaks for them last night, but he still has a lot left over on ice. The swordfish was about seven feet long and weighed over 200 pounds. He's selling it cheap. Heck, with a little negotiation, he'll probably pay us to take it off his hands.”

  “Sounds good,” I said. “By the way, would you mind doing the grilling tonight? Dodie is pretty swamped and could use some help with a special dinner.”

  “Once again you've come to the right man! I'm known as the Grill Master Extraordinaire. I'll grab my 'All Fired Up and Kickin' Ash' apron and grill the hell out of anything she wants me to.”

  “That's great, because she has some asparagus that needs grilled besides the swordfish steaks.”

  “Sure, no problem.”

  “And she'll need some corn on the cob grilled for the street corn salad.”

  “All...right. I don't suppose there's anything else?”

  “Well, she wants to make a grilled peach salsa, too, so if you can grill a few peaches...”

  “What's so special about this dinner, other than testing to see how long a human being can stand at a flaming hot grill in 90 degree heat without collapsing?” Nick said. “If you notice my charred body lying on the scorching cement next to the grill, please step over it carefully. I wouldn't want you to spill Dodie's precious peach salsa.”

  “I know it's a lot to ask, but this dinner is supposed to get Dr. Brad's sister Bertie and all her in-laws to go back to Minnesota.”

  “Sounds lovely. And why do we care about that?”

  “Because Aunt Sam has already booked the rooms that Bertie's relatives are staying in to the Great High Muckety-Muck Auk leader and his family. They would have been here by now, but their airport got snowed in. But the minute the snow stops, they're going to be on the first flight down here, so Aunt Sam needs to get the Doyletts out of their rooms fast.”

  “Yeah, I get that,” said Nick, “but why did Aunt Sam let them stay in rooms that were already booked in the first place?”

  “She didn't mean to. Dodie let slip that the Auks wouldn't be using the rooms for a couple of days because their airport was snowed in, so Aunt Sam didn't have an excuse not to let them stay. It doesn't help that the Doyletts have all the social graces of bulls in a china shop.”

  Nick sighed. “Dodie is a sweetheart, but she sure can screw things up sometimes. Just last year she read somewhere that bringing a suitcase on a boat is bad luck, and she convinced Brody it was true. I ferry people back and forth from Golden Happiness Isle and guess what? A lot of them have (drum roll please) suitcases! I had a hell of a time convincing Brody to get on the boat with me so that we could take customers on fishing trips! I mean, it's not like I had a banana on the boat. Everyone knows they bring bad luck.”

  “Bananas on a boat bring bad luck?”

  “Absolutely. Ask anyone.”

  “What happens if you bring a banana on a boat?”

  “Beats me. I've never brought a banana on my boat. My insurance rates are high enough as it is.”

  I rolled my eyes. Superstition is a hell of a drug.

  By this time, we had reached the front yard where Nick had his motorcycle parked. I glanced up and down the street for any sign of the guy in a fedora hat and purple sunglasses, but the street was empty.

  “Looking for something?” Nick asked.

  “Not really, “ I said. “This guy was following me around the last couple of days, but I don't see him now.”

  “Some guy was following you? What guy?”

  “I don't know who he is. I caught him peeking in the window of the RV a couple of days ago and when Bertie and I went into town, I noticed him hanging around us wherever we went.”

  “Whoa! You've got some kind of homicidal stalker trailing you around the island and you're waiting till now to tell me about it? Way to bury the lead, Teri!”

  “I seriously doubt he's a homicidal stalker. For one thing, he's a middle-aged man who looks a tourist, and the one time I did talk to him, he seem friendly enough. Besides-”

  “That's what they say about all homicidal stalkers!” Nick said. “Homicidal stalker slaughters a bus full of nuns; co-workers say he seemed nice. Homicidal maniac ax-murders his family; neighbors say he was friendly and liked to pet their dog. Homicidal maniac has a dozen homeless people chained in his basement; friends say he was a riot at poker night.”