“Mind your own business,” Herb snapped, and hurried down the hall to the dining room.

  So the mystery man was connected to the Herb somehow; but how? I didn't think that the Doyletts had any friends in Florida, and the man seemed more like an enemy than a friend. Still, I guessed this meant that he had been following Bertie, not me, so it wasn't really my problem right now. My problem was getting the hors d'oeuvres to our guests before Aunt Sam had a nervous breakdown.

  Back in the dining room, my fresh tray of food was cleaned out by the Doyletts just as quickly as the first one, and with just as much complaining. “Quit hogging the eggs, Rory!” Stella snapped. “They may not be good, but they're all the food we've got so far!”

  “Whaddya whining about? I thought you were trying to lose weight,” Rory said with a mouthful of deviled eggs.

  “You won't catch me eating anything off this tray,” Augie said. “They were probably just sitting in some humid corner becoming infested with bacteria and protozoans while we ate the first batch.”

  “I don't care what's in them! I want my fair share!” Stella said.

  “First they're stingy with the drinks and now they push this squirrel food at us,” Herb said. “I bet they're secretly part of one of those crazy health cults they got down here.”

  When the tray was empty, I looked for Aunt Sam and saw that she was cleaning up the contents of a spilled monkey glass from the bar. I picked up a towel and went over to help her. “Something weird happened with Herb a few minutes ago,” I whispered. “He was out by the pool with-”

  “You'll have to tell me about it later,” Aunt Sam said wearily. “I think my headache is going to have a headache is this goes on much longer. Can you check with Dodie and see if dinner's ready?”

  I went back to the kitchen, and as I reached the door I heard more arguing from inside! Did everyone take crazy pills today? I opened the door and saw Fern trying to put on an apron while Dodie was trying to pull it away from her.

  “Fern, what are you doing in here?” I demanded.

  “Trying to stop a poisoning!” Fern said. “I came in here to complain to your cook about the low quality of the hors d'oeuvres, and now I see she's planing to feed us some weird fish I've never heard of!”

  “There's nothing weird about swordfish!” Dodie said. “Ooh, I oughta...!”

  “You people down here seem to think you can drag any strange creature out of the ocean and feed the thing to us! Well, forget it! I'm sure you must have some frozen hamburger patties in your freezer. I'll just fry them up in some lard and we can get on with this disaster of a dinner.”

  I saw Dodie eyeing the rolling pin, and I quickly stepped in front of it and hid it behind my back.

  “Gimme that rolling pin, Teri,” Dodie said. “I need it to flatten some sour dough.”

  “I don't blame you, but I think we'd better stick to the menu,” I said.

  Aunt Sam came in and shook her head wearily. She took Fern by the arm and led her out of the kitchen. “Dodie's a great cook and you're gong to love the food,” she said. “Now don't you think it would be best if you went back into the dining room and helped Bertie and Herb work out their differences?”

  “With what? A magic wand?”

  After Fern had gone I asked Dodie, “What can I do to help you?”

  “Strangle that woman, and her dumb husband, too!” It sounded like a pretty sensible plan to me, but I opted to take the plates of food into the dining room instead.

  “Dinner is served,” Aunt Sam announced as I started setting the plates on the dinner table. The Doyletts began finding seats around the table, still bickering as they went.

  “Switch seats with me, Augie,” Stella said. “I don't want to sit next to Rory. He eats like a pig at a trough!”

  “I can't,” Augie said. “There's a draft on that side of the room, and between that and this inflammation-inducing food, I'll be lucky to survive to the dessert course.”

  “That wouldn't be the worst dinner you've had with Stella,” Rory said.

  “If this is what you folks call steak, I've got news for you,” Herb grumbled. “It tastes like some kind of fish.”

  “I tastes like fish because it is fish.” Aunt Sam explained. “It's grilled swordfish steak with asparagus and roast potatoes.”

  “I don't know if we should eat the asparagus,” Augie said, probing it cautiously with his fork. “Dr. Brad, is it true that eating asparagus makes a person's pee taste funny?”

  “Can't help you there, Augie,” Dr. Brad said. “I've never tasted pee before or after eating asparagus.”

  “Put that drink down, Rory!” Fern ordered. “I told you to lay off the booze!”

  “Relax,” Rory said, holding up his pineapple glass for inspection. “It's just apple juice, and not very good apple juice at that, so don't worry, I'm not enjoying myself. I know you wouldn't want that.”

  “None of us would have to worry about the food if we didn't have to follow Bertie down here. We could have been back home eating lutefisk like normal people do,” Stella complained.

  “You didn't have to follow me down here,” Bertie said. “If Herb wanted to see me he could have come down here on his own.”

  “You should have stayed home and talked this out with Herb instead of going off on a vacation!” Fern said. “There's such a thing as priorities, you know!”

  “Priorities! When did Herb ever make me a priority? All he cares about is his drinking!”

  “She does have a point there, Fern,” Augie interjected. “Herb's drinking is becoming a problem. Why, just last week we were talking about it and you said-”

  “Butt out of this, you brainless billy goat! This is between me and Bertie!”

  “Don't you dare you insult my husband, you witch!” Stella shrieked.

  “I'm not insulting him, I'm describing him! Just keep rolling your eyes, you might eventually find a brain!”

  “You should talk! If your brain were dynamite there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off!”

  “Rory! Are you going to just sit there and let this little weasel insult me?”

  “No, I'm gonna eat,” Rory said. He reached across the table and stabbed his fork into Augie's plate. “Say, Augie, if you're not going to eat that asparagus I'll take it. I don't care how my pee tastes.”

  “Oh, you're useless! I'm the only one who's talking any sense to this shrew about her relationship with Herb!”

  “Shrew? Shrew!” Bertie sputtered. “I'll tell you what you are, Fern! You're a big-”

  Before we could find out what Bertie thought Fern was, Aunt Sam picked up an Auk helmet that had been left under the side table, and began smacking it loudly with a spoon. “That's enough, everyone!” she said. “I don't have enough time or crayons to explain to you folks why screaming at each other isn't a sane way to deal with your differences, let alone help Bertie and Herb deal with their relationship. But in case you haven't noticed, you're in a bed and breakfast, not a barn, so at least pretend to be civilized human beings while you're under my roof!”

  “I'm sorry, but Fern started it,” Bertie said. “And look at Herb! He's passed out drunk! What's he point of us being here if he's not even going to try!”

  Bertie was right; Herb was slumped over in his chair, still holding his fork in one hand. Dr. Brad sighed and shook Herb's shoulder. “Come on, Herb, wake up,” he said. “You're not helping things.”

  “See what I mean, Fern?” Bertie persisted. “Herb's so drunk that he's fallen asleep without even finishing his dinner. And you expect me to go back to that?”

  I saw that Dr. Brad was still trying to wake Herb up but he couldn't. He put his ear to Herb's mouth and then lifted his eyelid. When he turned to us, his face was grave. “Call 911, Sam!” he said. “Tell them that it's an emergency!”

  Chapter Five

  I glanced at my watch impatiently. Aunt Sam, Dodie and I had been sitting in the waiting room of the The Ratchet Memorial Hospital with the Doylett family for almost two hours now and there was still no news of Herb's condition.

  “It was probably those sea otter steaks!” Fern said, breaking the silence that had fallen over the waiting room. “I knew they hadn't been cooked right. Probably gave Herb a whopping case of salmonella!”

  “Not cooked right! Not cooked right!” Dodie exploded. “You-you-”

  “The swordfish steaks were cooked perfectly, Fern,” Aunt Sam said firmly, placing a hand on Dodie's arm. “Besides, everyone ate the food and if there had been anything wrong with it, we all would have been affected, not just Herb. I realize that everyone is under a lot of stress, but throwing accusations around won't help anything. I'm sure someone will be here any minute to tell us how Herb is doing. “

  As if on cue, Dr. Brad came into the waiting room. He looked tired. Before he could say anything, Fern shouted, “Well, you sure took your own sweet time getting back to us! What's going on? How's my brother?”

  “Which one, Augie or Herb?”

  “What's Augie doing in the hospital?”

  “Augie thought he had food poisoning or an allergic reaction, or to use his words: 'Whatever got Herb',” Dr. Brad sighed. “But Augie is fine, physically speaking, anyway. Herb not so much. I'm very, very sorry to say that they were unable to revive him.”

  “I knew it!” Bertie sobbed. “The doctor warned him that this might happen if he didn't stop drinking!”

  “That's just like you to blame my brother for this!” Fern yelled. “Herb was doing fine until you dragged him down here to eat this poisonous food! It's a wonder that any of us survived!”

  Dodie was about to lunge from her chair, but Aunt Sam restrained her.

  “The cause of death wasn't food poisoning,” Dr. Brad said. “Herb had a toxic amount of drugs in his system.”

  “Drugs?” Bertie said. “That doesn't make sense! I've been with Herb for 30 years and I know him better than anyone. Herb may have drunk too much sometimes but he never took drugs!”

  “Exactly,” said a voice behind Dr. Brad. Sheriff Lois Landon stepped into the room with a doctor's report in her hand. She was a thin woman in her forties with short, rust colored hair. She usually had a friendly smile on her face, but tonight wasn't one of those nights. “This I now a murder investigation.” Sheriff Landon said.

  “Murder!” Fern cried, turning to Bertie. “So that was your plan! You lured Herb to this dangerous island so you could murder him and take over the entire Doylett Bowl business! Getting half in a divorce settlement wasn't good enough for greedy Bertie; you wanted it all!”

  “How dare you accuse me of murdering my husband!” Bertie shouted. “I'm the only one who gave a damn about Herb's health! The rest of you hoped he'd drink himself to death so you could take over the business!”

  “Well, I'm not going to sit around here and get murdered by whatever maniac from this island killed Herb!” Stella said, her voice trembling. “Augie and I are leaving on the next flight out of here!”

  “Quiet!” Sheriff Landon yelled. “This investigation is going to be handled in an orderly manner. I'm going to question each one of you, and no one is leaving this island until I find out who murdered Herb Doylett.”

  I looked at Aunt Sam. It was a good thing we were in a hospital because Aunt Sam looked like she needed a doctor right now. ”No one is leaving?” she whispered.

  It was nearly one o'clock in the morning by time we returned to the bed and breakfast. Aunt Sam, Sheriff Landon and I were sitting at the kitchen table having the first decent cup of coffee we had in hours.

  “Did you get anything out of questioning the Doyletts, Lois?” Aunt Sam asked.

  “Aside from a splitting headache, not much,” the sheriff replied, massaging her temples.

  “What kind of drugs did Herb have in his system? Illegal drugs?”

  “No, it was an anti-anxiety medication called Shur-Mellow. It's pretty benign as far as prescription drugs go, but it can be very dangerous if you overdose. Herb Doylett had three times the maximum recommended dosage in his system.”

  “That's a strange choice of drug to poison someone with,” I said. “Was Herb prescribed that medication?”

  “No, but we discovered that his brother-in-law Augie has a prescription for it,” Sheriff Landon said. “I spoke with his wife, Stella, and she confirmed that Augie did indeed take Shur-mellow regularly. Apparently, he went to the doctor about a year ago with stomach pains. The doctor told him that he was fine and it was just gas, but Augie was convinced that his liver was failing and insisted that he needed medication, so the doctor finally gave him a prescription for Shur-Mellow to get him off his back.”

  “Did you ask Augie if he knew how Herb got it in his system?” Aunt Sam asked.

  “He said he didn't know anything about it and that he wouldn't use his medication to kill Herb because he barely has enough to keep himself alive. He said that this is proof that he was the murderer's real target and not Herb. Then he started getting all excited and demanding 24-hour police protection, and the nurses had to come in and calm him down.”

  “Too bad he didn't have any Shur-Mellow to calm him down,” I said. “But doesn't this mean that it had to be Augie or Stella that poisoned Herb? They're the only ones who had Shur-Mellow with them.”

  “If only it was that easy!” Sheriff Landon sighed. “Augie always leaves his door unlocked in case he catches a rare strain of the flu that leaves his hands numb and unable to use a key. And of course he sits his medications out in the open on his bedside table for the same reason. I had Buff search Augie's room and his bottle of Shur-Mellow is nearly empty, even though the date on the bottle says it's almost new.”

  Jamie “Buff” Buffington is the deputy sheriff and the only other full-time police officer on Admiral Archibald Falls Island besides Sheriff Landon. He's a short, heavy-set guy who is a little on the weird side, but who isn't on this island?

  “So any of the Doyletts could have easily stolen the drug,” Aunt Sam said.

  “Including his estranged wife.”

  “Lois, you surely don't think Bertie did it?”

  “Look, I like Dr. Brad, and Bertie seems like a sweet woman, but let's face it, she's the one with the best motive. After all, she came all the way down here to get away from her husband, and he follows her with his whole family in tow. Maybe she had enough and decided to get rid of him once and for all.”

  “That's not possible. Bertie just wouldn't be capable of poisoning Herb like that.”

  “I'm sure she's a nice person, but nice people can snap. It's happened before.”

  “I don't mean that Bertie's too nice,” Aunt Sam said. “I mean I don't think she's got the brains to figure out a clever murder scheme like this. If she were going to kill Herb, she'd probably bash him over the head with a frying pan that had her name engraved on it.”

  “I wouldn't be so sure,” Sheriff Landon said. “Buff searched everyone's possessions, and he found a pill bottle in Bertie's purse for an over-the-counter allergy medication that she takes. The bottle had two Shur-mellow tablets inside it.”

  “What did she say about that? Did she have an explanation?” I asked.

  “She acknowledged that it was her bottle, but claimed that she had no idea how Augie's pills had gotten into it.”

  “But why would she carry the evidence of a murder around with her?” Aunt Sam asked.

  “Who knows? Maybe she didn't have time to throw it away, or like you said, maybe she isn't too smart.”

  “Or maybe one of the Doyletts is trying to frame her.”

  “You think so?”

  “Well, if it's not Bertie, who else could it be? No one else on the island even knows Herb.”

  “What about the strange man that followed me and Bertie around the island?” I asked. “He and Herb had a big fight out by the pool right before dinner!” Aunt Sam and the sheriff looked at me as if I had just emerged from a UFO and had asked to meet their leader. “I tried to tell you about it earlier,” I said. I explained about the man in the fedora and purple sunglasses who had followed Bertie and me around town, and about the fight he had with Herb and the threats I heard him make.

  “A hat, funny sunglasses and a shirt with palm trees on it; well, that describes about half the population of the island,” Sheriff Landon said. “I'll tell Buff to keep an eye out for him, but I wouldn't hold my breath until we'll find him, if I were you.”

  Just then Dodie came into the kitchen holding the bowl of corn salad from dinner, which she was eating it with a large spoon. “There ain't nothin' wrong with my food! Just take a bite of this,” she said, holding out a spoonful toward the sheriff.

  “Dodie, you shouldn't be eating that!” Aunt Sam said. “We don't know how Herb was poisoned yet. That food could be dangerous!”

  “Well, it tastes fine to me,” Dodie replied, eating another spoonful as she left the kitchen. “My food didn't poison nobody!”

  “Sometimes I wonder about that girl,” Aunt Sam said, shaking her head.

  “I'm going to level with you, Sam,” Sheriff Landon said. “I would have arrested Bertie tonight but Mayor Croaker told to me wait till Archie Gras is over. She's afraid that if word gets out that there's been a murder, it will scare away the tourists. So I sent her home with Dr. Brad and told him to make sure she doesn't try to leave the island.”

  “Sounds like we don't have much time to prove Bertie's innocence.”

  “I'll keep investigating, but I have to go with the evidence, and right now the evidence points to Bertie. I wish I could make more headway with the Doyletts, but I can't keep dragging them in for questioning without a good reason.”

  “You know, Lois, Maybe Teri and I could help,” Aunt Sam said. “We could talk with the Doyletts and discreetly ask some questions that could help you in the investigation. They might be more likely to let something slip if they're just having conversations with us instead of being questioned by you.”

  I groaned inwardly. I knew from past experience that when it came to questioning suspects, “Team Sam and Teri” actually had only one team member and it wasn't Aunt Sam.