“What I was trying to say, before you interrupted me with you valuable insights on homicidal maniacs, is that I don't know for sure that he was following me,” I said. “He might have been following Bertie for some reason.”

  “If he's following Bertie then what was he doing leering around your RV?”

  “I don't think he knew who's RV it was. Maybe he thought Bertie was staying in it. Everyone knows Dr. Brad visits the B&B a lot and the guy probably assumed his sister was staying here.”

  “Why would he be following Bertie anyway?”

  “I don't know. At the time I first saw him, I didn't even know Bertie was here on the island. So maybe he's related to the Doyletts and he came down here looking for her.”

  “Did he look like he was from Minnesota?”

  “Not really,” I admitted. “He definitely has a Florida tan.”

  “Go pack your bag,” Nick said. “You're moving into the lighthouse with me.”

  Nick lives in an unused lighthouse on the island. It isn't used as a lighthouse because it's shorter than the trees around it so there's no point in turning on the light. The reason it's so short is that the architect who designed it made a typo on the design, so instead of the huge 200-foot tower it was meant to have, it ended up with a 20-foot tower. This led to a lot of lawsuits and investigations, but in the end Admiral Archibald Falls Island had a useless lighthouse, and Nick bought it on the cheap. It's a nice red brick building and the inside has been refurbished so it's like a regular home, so it was a pretty good deal.

  “Why would I move in with you?” I asked.

  “Look, your theory about Bertie and the Doyletts is great and everything, but I'm still convinced this guy is a psycho. I can't keep you safe if you're alone in the RV,” Nick said. “You can stay with me for a few nights until we get this thing sorted out. We'll get a nice box of wine and a good movie and you can slip into something extremely inappropriate and ---”

  “Gee thanks. I appreciate your totally non-sexual concern for my well being, but I think I'll stick with the RV for now.”

  “I was only thinking about your safety.”

  “I'm thinking about your safety if your friend sells out all the swordfish steaks before we get there, and I have to tell Aunt Sam we don't have any.”

  “Okay fine, hop on,” Nick said as he got on his motorcycle. “But if you get murdered by some homicidal stalker don't come complaining to me about it.”

  “It's a deal,” I said.

  Later that afternoon I was back at my RV, getting dressed for the “Big Event”. I was hoping it wouldn't turn out to be the “Big Screw-Up” but Aunt Sam seemed pretty optimistic, so I was trying to be as well. I decided to wear a new outfit for the occasion; recently when I was surfing the net before I went to bed, I bought a cute outfit that was described as “raspberry sorbet gingham seersucker capri pants” along with a “raspberry sorbet pintuck A-line tee shirt”. Of course, the more words used in a description, the more the outfit costs. I really need to hide my debit card before I go online late at night if I don't want to end up broke. On the other hand, the shirt and pants fit perfectly and were really cute.

  I got out my hair straightening iron and was about to plug it in when I heard someone knock on the door. I opened it to find Nick outside. Seeing the straightening iron in my hand, he stepped back and put his hands in the air.

  “Whoa! Take it easy! I'm not an intruder and my hair is already straight!”

  “Ha, ha. Is there any particular reason you're here, besides to make lame jokes?”

  “Well, since somebody who will remain nameless roped me into grilling swordfish steaks and a truckload of produce, I thought I had better get here a little early and fire up the grill so I have a chance of getting it all done before our dinner guests die of old age.”

  “It's over there,” I said, pointing to the grill sitting on the patio near the back door. “Good luck.”

  “I don't need luck,” Nick replied. “I was born lucky.”

  I couldn't argue with that. I tossed the iron into the RV and locked the door behind me. When I passed the grill on the way to the kitchen, Nick looked up and said, “I see you left your weapon behind. Not as scared of psycho stalkers now that the manly ship captain and grill master is here, I see.”

  “As I recall it, you were the one who was going on about homicidal maniacs,” I said.

  “And yet, you're the one that came to the door brandishing a straightening iron.”

  “I was just holding it in my hand.”

  “I think I know brandishing when I see it.”

  “Thanks to your interruptions I didn't have time to straighten my hair. It's getting late and Dodie needs my help. I'll have to go as-is and hope for the best.”

  “That's good,” Nick said. “I think your curly hair looks pretty.”

  “Not only are you a manly ship captain and grill master, but you're very sweet.”

  “I'll add that to my resume.”

  When I entered the kitchen I found Aunt Sam and Dodie standing at the table, looking over two rows of glasses. One set of glasses was shaped like pineapples and the other set resembled happy monkeys.

  “These novelty glasses are all we have left?” Aunt Sam asked. “What happened to the other glasses?”

  “The Auks done took all of our regular glasses and are in the library using them for beer pong,” Dodie said. “I can try to get them back, but-.”

  “No, no, don't disturb the Auks. I only just managed to get the last ones out of the dining room in time to set up the table for he Doylett's dinner. We will just have to make do with what we have.”

  “Hi, everybody,” I said. “Nick's here and he's firing up the grill.”

  “Oh, good,” Dodie said. “I'll get started on the corn and the asparagus.”

  “You're here just in time, Teri,” Aunt Sam said. “I haven't laid the dishes and silverware out on the table yet and I could use a second set of hands.”

  When we got to the dining room I asked, “Do you still think this is going to work?”

  “I hope so. The airports in Kansas will be open at any time and I need the Doyletts out of here before the other Auks arrive. Of course, I'd want them out of here even if no one needed the rooms.”

  I heard a murmur of voices coming from the hallway. “It sounds like the Doyletts have arrived,” I said.

  The door opened and the Doyletts filed in, led by Fern who gave the dining room an appraising look and sniffed. “I've been in cafeterias that were nicer than this,” she said. “But I suppose it will have to do.”

  “Oh, I don't know,” Augie said. “Everything looks pretty clean and sanitary. I don't see any flagrant health violations.”

  “Well I just hope we can get this settled so we can go home,” Stella said. “My agent told me that she has inside information about auditions being held for another Real Housewives series, and I could be missing out on it. If Herb and Bertie cost me my chance at stardom, I'm not going to speak to them anymore.”

  “Your agent is the cashier at the Gas and Go Mart,” Fern said. “The only inside information she has comes from reading People Magazine when she's supposed to be checking out customers.”

  “Maggie Jo knows how to multi-task, which is something you could learn from her. I've never seen you do a day's work in your life.”

  “Where's my wife?” Herb demanded. “She was supposed to be here. If you're giving me the bait and switch just to trick us into an expensive meal-”

  “Bertie and Dr. Brad will be here shortly, Herb,” Aunt Sam said. “Now why doesn't everyone find a seat and have some refreshments while we wait. Dodie made a fresh strawberry pineapple punch that I think you'll like.”

  Rory pulled up his shirt and scratched his stomach. “I don't need any of that fancy stuff. Just give me a beer. Oh hey, Fern, I forgot my hairbrush so I had to use yours. Shouldn't be a problem. My dandruff thing is almost cleared up.”

  Before Fern could answer, Stella said, “Why do I get a pineapple glass? I want one of the cute monkey glasses! Someone trade with me!”

  Aunt Sam said to me, “Teri, why don't you go get the hors d'oeuvres for these nice people? I'll serve the punch.”

  “Right away,” I said and hurried into the hall. I was halfway to the kitchen when Dr. Brad and Bertie came in the front door.

  “Hello there, Teri,” Dr. Brad said. “We're arriving fashionably late. Is everyone else here?”

  “Has Herb been drinking, Teri?” Bertie cut in. “Tell me the truth because if he has, I'm going to give him such a talking to-”

  “Come along, Bertie,” Dr. Brad said jovially as he put his arm around her shoulders. “We don't want to miss the nice friendly dinner we're about to have with your family. You know, the one we talked about for an hour and a half at my house this afternoon?”

  “All right, but he'd better not be wearing that old shirt again after I told him not to. He's never learned the value of dressing nicely to make a good impression.”

  The dining room fell silent as Dr. Brad and Bertie came through the door. “Sorry, we're a little late,” Dr. Brad said jovially, “But better late than never, am I right?”

  “Hello, everyone.” Bertie said.

  “Bertie,” Fern muttered.

  “What a lovely dress, Bertie! It looks so cool and summery,” Stella said.

  “Thanks, Stella,” Bertie said. “I like your dress, too. You always look good in red.”

  “Yes, I do, don't I? You may recall that I won the Miss Shrapnel Avenue Beauty Contest when I was wearing a red A-line dress with matching knee high boots a few years ago.”

  “You mean a few decades ago,” Fern said, “and you got a horrible rash from wearing boots in the summer. Your legs looked like a polka dot print.”

  “Well, at least I have a real sense of style and don't go around in those clunky construction-worker boots that you always wear!”

  “Speaking of feet,” Augie said to Dr. Brad, “I wonder if you could check mine. I think the cabin pressure in the air plane may have given me fallen arches. I'll just take off my shoes and socks and you can see what you think-”

  “Let's leave that till later,” Dr. Brad said hurriedly. “We can have a nice chat about it after dinner.”

  Aunt Sam nudged me and said, “About those hors d'oeuvres, Teri? The sooner we get them eating, the better.”

  “Oh, sure,” I said. “I'll go get them right now.”

  When I got to the kitchen Dodie was putting the finishing touches on the caprese bites, which were cherry tomatoes, mini mozzarella balls and fresh basil on skewers. I could also see the tray with baby bella mushrooms stuffed with lump crab meat filling on the counter ready to go.

  “Aunt Sam wanted to know if the hors d'oeuvres were ready yet. Do you need any help?” I asked.

  “No, just a half dozen left to go,” Dodie said. “Why don't you tell Nick that I'll be bringing out the stuff for the grill in about five minutes, then you can get the avocado deviled eggs out of the fridge and start serving them.”

  I went out to tell Nick what Dodie said, but when I reached the grill, he was nowhere to be found. I was just about to take out my phone to call him when I heard sounds coming from inside my RV. I went over and opened the door, and saw Nick lounging on the sofa watching a rerun of the Bachelor on my TV. He was eating an overstuffed ham and cheese sandwich and drinking my last bottle of soda.

  “I've never understood these guys who go on the Bachelor,” Nick said between bites. “They're always some star athlete with a zillion dollar contract and thousands of fans cheering for them, and then they go on a reality show and pretty much admit they can't find a girlfriend. Seems like a recipe for getting bullied in the locker room, if you ask me.”

  “It's a real mystery,” I said. “Here's another one I'd like solved: How did you get in here?”

  “I still have the extra key that your Aunt used to keep under the front bumper of the RV in case her key got lost. I thought it would be dangerous to leave it there after you moved in, so I took it for safe keeping. It's okay for me to have it because I'm not dangerous, unless you want me to be.”

  “And I suppose that you brought your own sandwich and soda?”

  “I happened to be looking in your refrigerator and noticed that the ham was getting old, so I ate it to protect you from potential food poisoning. But enough about me. I'm guessing you're here grilling me because it's time to grill the swordfish?”

  “Got it in one. And you'd better replace my soda and ham and cheese later on.”

  “I'll put it on my to-do list right away.”

  “You have a to-do list?”

  “Good point,” Nick said. “I'll have to put 'make a to-do list' on my to-do list.”

  I noticed that Nick had left his barbecue tongs on the counter next to the door, and I picked them up. “These are nice tongs,” I said, grabbing his ear with them. “I have a bet that a person could snag a lot of different body parts with them.”

  “Message received,” Nick said, relieving me of the tongs and heading out the door. “I think I'll see if Dodie has those swordfish steaks ready yet.”

  “Good idea. Now I have to go bring the hors d'oeuvres to our delightful guests before they start killing each other.”

  As I approached the dining room I heard a steady hum of bickering; this friendly dinner was going great so far. “Would anyone like an hors d'oeuvres?” I asked cheerfully as I entered the room.

  The Doyletts quickly surrounded me, picking at the trays and talking all at once.

  “Rory, don't eat those deviled eggs! The yolks are green!” Fern said.

  “Well, you're always complaining about how I don't get enough green in my diet,” Rory said as he stuffed three avocado deviled eggs into his mouth at once.

  “Look at these tiny tomatoes!” Herb snorted. “They can't even grow a full size tomato in this place.”

  “The cheese on my mushroom tasted sort of fishy,” Augie said. “I think it may have gone bad.”

  “That's crab, Augie,” Dr. Brad sighed.

  “This is supposed to be a ritzy place and they don't even know how to make a decent hors d'oeuvres,” Stella said. “It's like they've never even heard of saltine crackers and Velveeta cheese.”

  “Who would like more punch?” Aunt Sam asked from behind the bar.

  “You had better let me pour any further drinks,” Augie said, hurrying behind the bar. “If you don't do it right, there could be cross contamination!”

  “Of course, go right ahead, Augie.” Aunt Sam walked up to me shaking her head, as Augie began busying himself behind the bar. “I have no idea what he's talking about, but if he's actually going to do something helpful, I'm not going to stand in his way,” she whispered to me.

  Just then, Rory walked right between us with a monkey glass in his hand. “'Scuse me, ladies,” he said. “Gotta wet my whistle.” He went to the bar and waved his glass under Augie's nose. “Fill this up with some of that brown stuff in that bottle.”

  “Isn't Fern going to be mad if she sees you drinking?” Augie asked. “You heard what she said at the airport-”

  “You worry about your diseases, and let me worry about Fern. Now hurry up! I gotta take a leak and I don't wanna miss the real food. Them little eggs weren't enough to feed a bird.”

  “It's your funeral,” Augie said, glancing furtively in both directions as he filled Rory's glass. “But if Fern finds out about this I will have to deny all knowledge of you and these events.”

  “Hey! There's nothing in this punch but fruit juice!” Herb said. “Augie, get me something stronger to liven it up a bit!”

  “I think it would be best if you stayed sober so you can talk things out with Bertie with a clear head tonight,” Dr. Brad said. “That's what we're all here for, isn't it?”

  “Save the advice for your patients!” Herb growled. “Talking with your sister is exactly why I need to drink!” Just then Herb's phone beeped, and he pulled it out of his pocket angrily. “Now what? It had better not be that idiot manager texting me about buying more cleaning spray for the bowling shoes....”

  “These people have more issues than a magazine rack.” Aunt Sam sighed. “Can you get another plate of hors d'oeuvres from the kitchen? The only time the Doylett's aren't arguing is when their mouths are full of food.”

  As I started to go, I saw Herb get up from his chair and follow me out the door into the hall.

  “Where are you going, Herb?” Fern demanded.

  “Bathroom,” Herb said. “This lousy punch is going right through me. There is a bathroom in this joint, isn't there?”

  “Just down the hall to your left,” Aunt Sam said.

  I went back to the kitchen and filled another tray with hors d'oeuvres, and started to bring them back to the guests. I had just stepped out of the kitchen into the hall when I heard raised voices coming from outside. I followed the sound through the library to the pool, where I spotted Herb standing in the shadows of the palm trees with another man, arguing angrily. As the sea breeze blew the palms, the shadows shifted and I saw the man's face; it was the mysterious man in the purple sunglasses who had been following me!

  “You won't get away with this!” the man yelled, jabbing Herb on the chest with his finger.

  “I can do whatever I the hell want and you can't stop me!” Herb retorted.

  “You better quit playing games with me or there's gonna be trouble!”

  Herb gave the man a shove, sending him stumbling backwards. The man's heel caught on a flagstone and he toppled to the ground with a heavy thud. “Looks like you're the one that's in trouble,” Herb chuckled as he turned toward the house. “Now get lost, before I really get mad at you.”

  “This isn't over!” the man shouted as he got to his feet and dusted himself off. “You'll be sorry! You'll see!”

  When Herb walked inside, he saw me and said, “Must have taken a wrong turn trying to find the bathroom. This place is a maze!”

  “Who was that man?” I asked.