Off to a nearby boutique they went, where Lilly became the owner of a Hattie Carnegie blouse in a delicate pink shade that tinted her cheeks in the same color, while she was told that there would be more.

  Another date turned into two, and then three. She felt safe with him. Taken care of.

  He was a doctor by profession, and celebratory thoughts burst into Lilly’s mind like fireworks. Ooh, this is what my mother wants, and maybe if I married Him, I would be able to go to school and not have to work in the store!

  “Oh, my goodness! He’s a DOCTOR!” Sarah squealed.

  “Calm down, mother. They have just been dating a week or so,” Anna added, who was in her early thirties and had a family of her own. She was visiting her mother that day and, as usual, had the voice of reason.

  “I don’t care—he’s a doctor!”

  Lilly was thrilled that her mother and sister were pleased with Him. Heck, more than pleased. They were kvelling—not only was he a doctor but a Jewish doctor. He was a graduate of McGill University, beating the odds of admittance as they only admitted one or two Jewish men per year. Twenty-four years old and already at the top of his game at The Jewish General Hospital, wrote the head of the psychiatry department on a recent performance review.

  The Jewish General Hospital was bursting at the seams with only 150 beds. And they needed doctors like Him on staff as this was a place where Jewish patients were welcomed.

  But something happened with one of His patients that was not recorded on his file, as it probably didn’t happen. Or maybe it did. No one knew for sure, and with that doubt, it was forgotten, as any negative scandal regarding a Jewish doctor could not be afforded by the Jewish community of Montreal. Eight years prior, in 1934, The Days of Shame occurred, where the doctors on staff at Notre Dame Hospital went on strike all because a new Jewish intern was hired. What would explode from a scandal like this would be astronomical, as it would align with the anti-Semitism that was rampant in Montreal, mirroring the propaganda that had already been initialized in Europe that made its way to Canadian soil, continuing to fuel the racism. If word got out about what this intern did, every newspaper and radio station would be bursting with this news like fireworks, negatively exploiting the Jews even more than the world was already doing.

  Mistakes are a part of being human, but God forbid a Jew could make one, as he was prejudged before he could even begin to apologize. And so, the file was destroyed, along with all witnesses who washed their hands of it, forbidding it to leave the walls of the hospital.

  “You must be brilliant!” Sarah said over the Shabbat table. That Friday night, the whole family was there so they could meet Him. Lilly reached out to hold his hand, while looking at her mother to exchange a joyous gaze. It was official. As far as everyone was concerned, Lilly won the grand prize of the year with this new beau. It was if she brought home another straight A report card. He was handsome, polite, and a doctor! Her whole family, extended aunts and uncles and cousins, applauded in unison with their smiles.

  “I won’t be needing your blouses anymore,” Lilly proudly announced to her cousin.

  “Tell me, what’s it like to work in the hospital? It must be so sad,” Sarah asked.

  “Mother … don’t be rude!” Lilly said.

  “It’s Ok, really,” He said, while he smirked. Sarah felt relieved as she sat on the edge of her chair hanging on to every word He said. “You folks want to hear a great story?” He asked, while everyone at the table waited in anticipation, like a herd of dogs wagging their tales, waiting for their supper. How unfortunate what was gifted to him academically didn’t leave much room for much emotional intelligence.

  “The other day, as I walked into my gynecology rotation, I had to close my lab coat—if you know what I mean!” He announced with triumph as He slapped his knee and enjoyed a hearty laugh. As the story left his lips and collapsed unto the dining room table, all felt the debris explode. Lilly and her family inhaled the dust of obscenity, and Sarah fell silent. Cousins nervously giggled, while Lilly was appalled and embarrassed. That poor female patient who was lying on the gurney table, that Lilly, Sarah, and Anna have laid upon countless times as well, was teased behind her back. Questions stormed through Lilly’s mind, thinking what if her doctor looked at her sexually while she was being examined. Or worse—looked at her mother sexually! Eeeewww! Lilly’s face puckered as if she had eaten a moldy strawberry as she looked up at the dining room window, hoping that she could break through the glass and fly away. No such luck.

  Feeling completely humiliated and ashamed, she slowly raised her hands to her head so that she could massage her temples, telling herself that what she heard was probably just a joke and that all will blow over and will be alright. He was a doctor, and His word was gold. The rest of the family composed themselves and probably thought the same thing. Lilly was privately begging for someone to change the subject as she metamorphically lifted the carpet for someone to sweep that God-awful story under.

  “How about those Habs?” said her beloved uncle, who took the broom and granted Lilly’s wish.

  While the men began to talk about hockey, she played with the chicken on her plate and tolerated the sweat that gathered at the back of her neck. She thought about asking why he would share such a story at the dinner table. How he would react if she asked. Would he get upset? Break up with her? Afraid of the repercussions but determined to get some answers, Lilly decided that a quick, yet productive, conversation needed to be had in private. But that conversation backfired.

  The next evening, when everyone was asleep, she crept into the living room to call Him. Slowly lifting the receiver and dialing his number as her heart pounded, she waited for Him to pick up while her sweaty hand twirled the telephone wire. This was the first time she ever encountered such a situation, as she had no prior experience on how to confront a man who said something that bothered her, as her father had been gone for such a long time.

  Lilly wanted to get to the bottom of this, and the only way she knew how was to march straight through, so she stood on her mark and was ready to run.

  “I can’t believe you said what you said at the Shabbat Table,” Lilly nervously said at lightning speed. Waiting for a response, there was nothing but silence.

  “Hello? Hello?” Lilly asked in a panic. Say something! She screamed in her mind, as she knew He was there because He was breathing heavily. Panic enveloped her, as she thought that maybe this was all a huge mistake. She shouldn’t have called Him so late at night, as he probably had to get up early for work. Why did she do such a stupid thing? Why disturb Him with her nonsense? Why ask such a silly question in an abrupt tone rather than a sweet and patient one that would have been more appropriate?

  But there was no answer, except an eventual dialing tone. Lilly slowly hung up the phone, thinking that she ruined everything and thought that her life was officially over, including her dream for university.

  The next morning, refraining from sharing the details of her bombardment of accusations, Lilly walked into the kitchen and met her mother sitting at the table.

  “Don’t worry about it. He didn’t mean it. Be kind, and all will be well.” And it was repeated yet again, “He’s a doctor.”

  These were the phrases that her mother kept repeating to her, which Lilly obeyed as that was what she was used to. Throughout her life, her mother always knew best. Even though the heaviness she felt in her chest was telling her that something wasn’t right, she wasn’t ready to face that realization, just yet.

  Once again, her mother was right. She didn’t need to worry about it. The story He shared was a harmless joke. Maybe there was an underlying meaning that she didn’t get? The next time the two young hopefuls saw each other, all was more than well. Lilly put on the brightest and happiest face she could muster and was as kind as ever. The phone call was long forgotten, as was the story that went with it, and two weeks later, He proposed!

  Even though she completely heard what he asked and was elated, it was her head and her heart that began to have an argument that didn’t allow her to answer right away.

  The evening before, she had a dream that she couldn’t speak. As she stood in her living room, with her entire family around her, she grasped at her throat, trying to talk but couldn’t. She stomped her feet and tried to yell and scream, but nothing but air came out of her mouth. Feeling frustrated, she fell to her knees as her mother comforted her and spoke for her.

  “No! That’s not what I want to say! You’re getting it all wrong!” She yelled as her voice finally worked, but only toward her mother. Not for Him.

  Lilly wanted the world. To continue her education. Be a doctor’s wife and get married to a man who was not only smart but also handsome, someone like herself, an equal. To be able to have a family. To own a house and a garden, so she could grow her own vegetables. To have money in the bank, so she could continue to buy new shoes. And not have to work in her mother’s grocery store. This was a tall order, and it was so exciting that it made her body shake.

  “I mean it. Let’s get married,” He said.

  “But I’m only seventeen!”

  “Oh, come on—you know it’s right.”

  “But I’m not finished high school yet!”

  “Graduate first, and then we will get married,” He said, the magic words. It was all she needed to hear, so Lilly decided to listen to the doctor, as He was smart, and He was right. She wrapped her arms around His shoulders and said, “Let’s do it!”

  * * *

  After high school graduation and being married for several weeks, a welcome routine evolved. The doctor would go to work, while Lilly would clean the house, iron His shirts, and shop for food. With her keen mathematical skills, her monthly allowance could manage to a new dress, fresh stockings, or shoes. Occasionally, a gift would accompany Him when he got home from work.

  “Oh, you shouldn’t have,” Lilly said one evening as she greeted Him at the front door.

  “I should have—I want you to be happy,” He would say.

  As Lilly opened the bottle and spritzed the perfume into the air, she let out a happy sigh. “Ahh … 4711 cologne. It reminds me of freshly picked lemons and oranges from the trees.”

  “Yeah, I would put that under your armpits, too, as your deodorant is clearly not working,” He said as he took off his coat and hung it in the closet. Lilly couldn’t believe what she just heard. He couldn’t have meant it, she thought to herself as she stuck her nose in her blouse to see if she had body odor. Maybe just a little bit. But did he have to say it that way?

  And then, several weeks later, it happened again. Not a story that would make Lilly’s skin crawl, but a simple question that could be presented in many ways that chose to go south that evening at dinner as he stared at his Salisbury steak.

  He asked why the ketchup wasn’t on the table.

  His light blue eyes expanded to their full capacity, showing the full circumference of his eyeballs. His pupils stood out like bullseye targets while his eyebrows remained raised, causing deep creases on his forehead. His body remained still as he stared straight ahead, only to slightly tilt his head, waiting for a response. Lilly couldn’t stop staring at the very angry man who sat before her. She was speechless and filled with worry and panic, as she had never heard of someone getting so mad over a condiment.

  “Lilly, I need the ketchup,” He said.

  “I’ll get it. It’s in the fridge,” Lilly said, thinking that she could easily fix the problem with a simple trip that was just a few steps away. As she got up, she noticed that her knees were shaking while she pushed her chair backwards on the linoleum floor, which caused it to make a rattling noise.

  “Will you be careful of our kitchen floor? Do you think kitchen floors grow on trees?” His eyes were still bulging, and now his face was flushed.

  “Sorry,” Lilly said, as that was all she could think of saying. This whole scene was becoming more awful by the moment, and all Lilly wanted to do was shake her husband and ask what the problem was. Why was he getting so upset over ketchup?

  The walk to the refrigerator gave her a few moments to breathe and think of why he could be acting that way. Maybe he was stressed from work? Perhaps a patient got him upset? Maybe someone died in his arms? Lilly shuddered at the thought, thinking that could drive anyone insane. Yes, that was it. Being a doctor is hard work and can make someone very stressed and angry. As she reached for the ketchup bottle, she decided that she was going to make everything right. All she needed was a plan. As she thought of what she was going to do after she wrapped her arms around Him, she was interrupted by a bark as loud as a rottweiler’s growl.

  “WHERE IS THE KETCHUP, YOU IMBECILE?”

  A shudder of weight fell upon Lilly’s chest, which burned. With the fridge still open, she closed her eyes, inhaled a deep breath, and then forcefully exhaled. After closing the refrigerator door, she walked toward Him, tightly gripping the ketchup bottle with both hands, and slammed it on the table so hard that it made the plates and cutlery jump. Lilly then left the kitchen and ran to her bedroom to fall on her bed and cry. Thankfully, He left his wife alone for a while.

  After Lilly washed her face and got into bed, she brought the blanket up to her chin and stared at her bedroom window for what seemed like an eternity. Repeated thoughts spun around Lilly’s head like a hamster running on its wheel. Where was he? What was he doing? What was he thinking? Did she overreact? Finally, a knock at the door was heard.

  “Come in,” Lilly softly said, hoping it was Him. And it was. She turned her body around and sat up in her bed to see that he was holding a bouquet of white lilies and another bottle of 4711.

  “You got me a bottle a few weeks ago, I haven’t even skimmed the top!”

  “I want you to have more of what you love!” He said, while resting his hands upon Lilly’s, and she felt relieved that everything was going to be okay. Husbands and wives are supposed to fight, but they must make up like this! With not one but two bottles of cologne, she thought to herself as she inhaled the flowers. But as soon as she unwrapped the box of cologne, it didn’t smell as good as she remembered. The clean, fresh scent had turned to the aroma of rotten pines. Something wasn’t right, and she wanted to get to the bottom of it. She also wanted to talk to him about taking a few courses, as she missed that part of her life.

  To make sure that she wasn’t overreacting, the next morning, while He was at work, she called a friend and asked if her husband gets stressed and angry after work.

  “Are you kidding? Is my husband stressed? Very! Yelling and swearing while he opens the bills… . Telling whoever will listen about what his boss said that day. Even to the kids! But I know how to handle it—I am ready, by the front door with his favorite drink. A whiskey on the rocks with a splash of ginger ale. Works every time!” the friend reassured. But when Lilly reenacted the ketchup scenario, making sure to add the imbecile part, the friend didn’t answer for a few moments, which felt like hours on the receiving line. Waiting for the diagnosis from her friend was pure torture.

  “I’m sure it’s only a phase,” she finally said, which made Lilly feel relieved for a while. Several nights later, at dinner, Lilly brought up the idea of taking a few courses.

  “Correspondence will work. Why bother yourself with going into the classroom. Such a schlep,” Lilly agreed, as it was a pain in the ass to get downtown as they didn’t have a car. And waiting for the bus in the brutal weather amongst the winter ice and slush was not very enticing. But it would be so worth it, Lilly thought, as there was nothing better than being in the classroom. The exchange of ideas. The questions you could ask. How she missed that time in her life. Maybe she could ask again, soon.

  * * *

  But then she became pregnant with their first child, and life moved forward as it had, and Lilly was no closer to taking courses. That summer, they went camping. Lilly had never gone before, but she was a good sport and was game to try anything new. He gave her a list of things to buy for the trip, and Lilly returned with everything, all packed in a suitcase. As they drove to the countryside and found a camping site, they parked the car, unloaded the equipment, and He asked for the matches.

  “Matches?” Lilly asked.

  “Yes, matches.”

  “Matches weren’t on the list.”

  “EVERYONE KNOWS TO PACK MATCHES WHEN YOU GO CAMPING!”

  There was that voice roaring again, along with the frozen expression, bulging eyes, and the lines on his forehead that made an indent in his skin. Of course, Lilly’s body knew exactly what to do from past yelling scenarios like these. Shake. Sweat and question. Why was this man getting so upset? Once again, she thought that if she found what he was looking for, she would be able to fix the problem. As she shook her head and bit her lower lip, she began to search for the matches in the bags that they had packed. As she went through the third bag, a silver lining appeared, and she was so delighted to announce it!

  “I have the ketchup!” Lilly proudly said. But unfortunately, He didn’t share that proud moment with his wife. Bile rose to the top of Lilly’s chest as her eyes filled with tears that held on tight to the edge of her eyelids. She wasn’t going to let Him see her cry. Not today.

  Geronimo! The tears dropped, and the crying didn’t stop. Scenes like this became more frequent. Even after more apologies and bouquets of flowers, nothing seemed to stop it, except a newborn baby.

  From the moment He laid eyes on their first child, it was as if someone had given Him a “calm-down pill” that lowered his rage dramatically. He was kinder. Yelled less. And patient. What would normally make him scream with rage was replaced with serenity. Lilly was amazed and quite relieved. It was obvious that the more children they could have, the better He would be.

  And so two more children were born, and unfortunately, the anger reappeared. Lilly was astonished, as her theory proved wrong and was as confused as ever. What was going on? She thought.

  Oh. My. God. She said out loud one evening, as she was going through his trousers and found a written prescription for Chloral Hydrate, which was a sedative and am anti anxiety medication that her aunt was also taking, as her mother said over the phone one evening while Lilly was eavesdropping. This was why he was so calm! Lilly thought. She had to get to the bottom of this—the only way she knew how. Praying that he wouldn’t blow his top, she approached the bench.