But now Holland had found something she was more afraid of losing than her heart. She feared losing Dax Spencer forever.

  “You’re not risking me. I agreed to help you. And you can’t let a random street thief derail you from getting the answers you deserve. I’m fine. Let me do my job. And don’t worry about the press, either. The truth is you’re a lesser Gentleman,” she joked. “You and Connor are the boring ones. You have a good job and you’re excellent at it. You don’t dance drunk in Italian fountains.”

  “In Mad’s defense, it’s not just Italian fountains. He’ll swim naked in any public body of water.”

  She laughed. His friends were crazy, but they were loyal to the bone. Would Dax be as loyal to the woman who snared his heart? Would he stand by her the way he did his friends? Would he forgive her even if she couldn’t give him the answers he wanted most in the world? “Dax, I don’t want you to go.”

  “I don’t want to, either, but it might be for the best. I moved too fast earlier. I meant what I said. I’m not going to push you again. Our relationship—in whatever form it comes—is too important to me to lose. I’ll take you any way I can get you.”

  Had he been this sweet all those years ago? Maybe he had been and she hadn’t wanted to hear it. Her younger self had been afraid of being another notch in his bedpost, but she couldn’t find the will to turn him away now.

  She wanted more than a kiss. She wanted more than to have her body hum just being near him. Now she wanted to follow him down the hall and to find where that hum led, to finally know what it meant to be Dax Spencer’s lover.

  The trouble was she’d convinced him that she didn’t. She might regret this tomorrow . . . but tonight had underscored the fact that life could be cut short in an instant. She’d rather regret what she did do, not what she hadn’t.

  “Our friendship is important to me, too. That’s one of the reasons I walked away at the wedding.”

  “I thought that was all about your career and my fast-lane life.”

  “It was in part.” She’d held the truth in all these years. She hadn’t told anyone, not even Joy. She’d joked about flirting with Dax and made the easy excuse of not wanting to be in the spotlight, but there had been more behind her decision. “I knew I wanted to go into law enforcement. I’ve known since I was a kid. Other girls were playing princess and I was taking down the bad guys. Maybe I looked up to my uncle too much.” She shrugged. “Eventually, I realized that I wanted to venture more into the investigative part of the job. I like the mental challenge of solving crime. But it’s a tough role for a woman.”

  He winced a bit as he sat up, but his gaze remained steady on her. “I can imagine. Especially down here. It’s still a good old boys’ network in the South.”

  “Yes. Oddly, my last name buys me some goodwill. It’s one reason I wanted to come to New Orleans. Well, and because it feels like home. When you approached me at Joy and Zack’s wedding, I worried that being your girlfriend would negatively impact my coworkers’ perceptions of me. After all, if I was dating a playboy, how serious could I be?” She sighed, reluctant to carry on, but she owed him. “At worst, being in a relationship with you would have softened me. You always got me right here.” She laid a hand over her heart. “That vulnerability would have been a chink in my mental toughness. It was another hurdle I wasn’t prepared to jump.”

  She hated how self-centered that sounded, but at that point in her life her career had seemed like all she had. She’d been driven to establish herself before she dove into a relationship.

  His jaw tightened. “I understand that, but you dated other men. Why did you always refuse me?”

  “I dated men I could never be serious about. I kept it casual. I never had pictures of them on my desk or called them my boyfriend. I compartmentalized my life. I kept my dates out of my professional life and vice versa. I wouldn’t have been able to do that with you. I knew it then. I know it now.”

  A slight frown marred his dark brow. “I never meant to disrupt your life.”

  “You’re not a man I can take or leave or have a good time with one night and totally forget the next.”

  “You’re the woman for me. I’ve never forgotten you, not once since the moment we met. I’ve dated other women because I couldn’t have you, but I never forgot and I never really gave up hope that we would meet again.”

  Deep down, she hadn’t, either. She’d always known he was the one man who could make her want more than her career. “I think if I’d stayed with you that day, I would be following you around from base to base now, waiting on you to come home. I know many couples do it. It’s honorable and sweet in a way, but I watched that life nearly kill my mother. She waited through her best years for my dad to retire but she died before he could. I feared living like I’m always waiting for something that never comes. I don’t know that I could be happy. And yet your service to your country is a part of who you are and what you do.”

  “Do we have to make decisions today, Holland? Do we have zero chance unless I leave the Navy?”

  She shook her head. “Of course not. I’m simply telling you how I felt. How I still feel from time to time. I’m also worried that if I don’t find a way to restore your father’s reputation, you’ll hate me.”

  He moved to sit beside her. “I could never hate you.”

  The heat of his body surrounded her, and it took all she had not to lean into his strength. She wanted more than anything to let go of all her worries for a night, to see where it could lead. “Never say never, Captain.”

  He shook his head and gently turned her face his way. “Don’t distance yourself from me. I don’t want to be a captain tonight. I don’t want to be a fucking Perfect Gentleman or tabloid fodder. I want to be Dax, the guy who wants so badly to be with Holland. Just the two of us, with no outside influences.”

  “Those influences will still be around come morning, Dax.” She spoke his name because he was right. She had been trying to keep her distance. But if they spent the night together, there would be nothing between them for those beautiful hours. No investigation. No worries about the future. Just one glorious night with the man of her dreams.

  “We’ll deal with them then.” His gaze had heated, but he made no move to kiss her. “But I won’t touch you unless I hear you say exactly what you want.”

  She wasn’t going to pretend to misunderstand. She heard the need in his voice and it touched her. He probably craved hearing her say the words out loud because she’d pushed him away for almost a decade. Had she convinced him that he meant nothing to her? “I want to make love with you, Dax.”

  He must have known the words were coming, but even so his body tensed. “I’ve never wanted a woman the way I want you. Be sure, sweetheart. I don’t want a one-night stand. If we spend the night together, it’s because we’re going to give us a chance. That means you’ll be in the press. Unless we never leave this apartment again, they’ll snap pictures of us. But you’re right. Since I’m the boring Perfect Gentleman, after a few weeks, it will calm down. Everyone in your family and in your office will know about us, though. No getting around that.”

  She would take some serious ribbing from her peers and with her uncle, but she could handle it. “Kiss me again and see if I run this time.”

  His lips curled up in a sexy, dangerous smile. “We’re at your place. There’s nowhere to run. The first time I approached you, I should have locked the door and thrown away the key.” He sobered a bit as he met her gaze with a stare so hot and intent, her pulse jumped. “I wonder what would have happened between us that day if my father hadn’t interrupted. I sometimes wish I could go back and make sure Zack’s mom didn’t dive headfirst into a vat of Chardonnay.”

  Like Dax’s father, Constance Hayes was dead, too. She’d perished on a road in England, years of alcoholism and poor decision-making finally taking their toll.

  So much loss all around her, yet Holland had never reached out to grab life. She’d let the loss and the potential for pain frighten her, but now she was realizing how little life meant without some risk—and someone to share it with. “Are you going to kiss me?”

  “The funny thing is, I’m nervous. I’ve waited all these years . . . You know?”

  She was nervous, too. How long had it been since she had butterflies in her belly, her skin warming to a hot sting of a flush? And he’d barely touched her. She’d certainly had sex, and some of it had been good. But she hadn’t wanted any other man like this. “You’ve kissed hundreds of women.”

  He brushed his fingers along her jawline, watching her as if he intended to memorize this moment. “None who mattered besides you.”

  “You didn’t have a problem with shyness earlier today when you nearly showed those little old ladies on the food tour how Naval captains make babies.” Somehow his nervousness eased her own. Despite the ridiculous amount of experience he had, she would be new to him. They would make their own memories, their own rules and rituals.

  He chuckled and leaned in, his arm curling around her back and over her shoulders. “It wasn’t that racy.” As their laughter fell silent, he fused his gaze to hers. Hunger filled his dark eyes, tightened his big body. “I’m going to kiss you now and I won’t stop unless you tell me to.”

  “I won’t say a word,” she breathed.

  He lifted his free hand to her hair, sliding out the elastic band holding the low ponytail she typically wore. He gripped the strands. “Soft as silk. Just like you.”

  “I’m not soft, Dax.” She didn’t want him to think she was like the other women he’d been with. They likely had been sweet, feminine creatures. Holland couldn’t afford to be.

  “Yes, you are. You can be strong and soft and silky all at the same time. That’s who you are and one of the reasons I find you interesting. I want to know every single facet of Holland Kirk. I want to be the man you explore with, experiment with, be true with.”

  She had the feeling he wasn’t merely talking about sex. This was why she’d always hesitated. Dax wanted all of her, even the parts of herself she’d shut down and hidden and told herself didn’t matter. He wouldn’t accept anything less than the whole of her soul.

  But if he gave her back the whole of his, wasn’t that worth it? If they were both vulnerable, they could learn to trust.

  She leaned in and his lips finally met hers. Slow and steady. He took her mouth like a man indulging in decadence, as though knowing they would share the pleasure of sex made him willing to stretch this moment out to something rich and sinful.

  Gently, he fisted a hand in her hair, lighting up her scalp with sensation as he took her lips more fully, clasping her body against his own. She softened, giving in to the demand of his mouth, his hands. And when his tongue slid over her lower lip, demanding entry, she couldn’t stop herself from flowering open for him.

  Dax pulled her up and onto his lap. She clasped her arms around his neck, bringing him closer. She could feel his erection pressing against her, thick and hard. So big. She couldn’t help but wriggle a little, trying to get closer to him.

  His arms tightened on her. “Stop it, sweetheart, or we’re going to have a problem. I want this to last. After waiting this long, I want to savor tonight.”

  But she was already on the edge, dying for him to be on top of her, inside of her. “We should go to my bedroom.”

  “We should set some ground rules first,” he growled against her neck. “Holland, I’m crazy about you, but you’re going to let me control sex. I’m not foolish enough to think I could control anything else in our relationship but I need you to let me handle this.”

  “Why does anyone have to be in control?” She’d always been in the power position with the men in her bed. Ceding it to Dax both excited and scared her.

  “Because, as you pointed out, I have more experience. And I’m wired to take control. We’re not going to go at it like two teenagers. Not this first time. Maybe later, when I know exactly how to touch you to get you hot.” Heat melted his dark eyes like chocolate. “But right now I have to figure out how to handle you, how to steer you the right way.”

  “I’m not a boat, Captain.”

  “Aren’t you?” He brushed a big hand over one of her breasts, cupping her flesh in his broad palm and making her gasp. “Everything that’s worth doing is worth doing right. Making love to you is definitely worth my best effort. See, this little nipple is begging for attention.” He dragged his thumb across the sensitive bud so slowly she bit her lip to hold in a moan. “Take off your shirt and your bra so I can give it the proper attention.”

  His voice had dropped an octave and gone velvety. Holland found herself obeying him. Her fingers shook as she reached for the buttons of her shirt, twisting each and releasing it before moving to the next. She didn’t leave the comfort of his lap, but he sat back like a king watching the show, mentally undressing her with those eyes. There was something a bit forbidden about baring herself while his erection pressed so intimately against her.

  Holland unfastened the last button and let her shirt fall away before she unhooked the front clasp of her bra. Her breasts were nothing special. She hit the gym three or four times a week to stay in shape. She considered herself more athletic than sexy, but the way Dax’s breath hitched and he affixed his stare to her bare mounds, as if he’d never seen anything sexier, made her rethink all that.

  He dragged his heated palm down the valley between her breasts. “Sweetheart . . . I always knew you would be gorgeous without all those clothes. So beautiful.”

  Until him, she hadn’t felt that way. Her body had been a tool to use in service of her job, a way to move about each day. When she’d had sex, she preferred to go to the bedroom, get the deed done, and get to sleep. Her few longer-term boyfriends hadn’t seemed to mind, but she got the feeling Dax would take exception to that routine.

  With him, it meant far more to her than a rote activity, too.

  He kissed her again, their tongues tangling as he explored her breasts, caressing her nipples, plying them with his touch. Fire licked through her system. She could feel herself getting wet and ready.

  “Lean back for me. I’ll hold you and keep you safe.” His words rumbled over the sensitive flesh of her neck as he gently leaned her back, resting her over his arm until she arched and thrust her chest up to him like an offering.

  “Yes, these little pearls need affection.” He tongued one, laving and sucking it.

  She had to bite her lip to hold in a cry. She’d never thought her nipples were particularly sensitive, but that was because they’d never experienced Dax’s clever mouth.

  She heard herself whimper as he sucked one bud deeper between his lips. He didn’t satisfy himself with a little lick, a short few seconds of suckling. Not Captain Dax Spencer. He indulged. He reveled. He caressed her with his tongue, tracing her areola before he sucked the tip back into his mouth and gave her the bare edge of his teeth. A tiny bite of pain flared before he soothed the bud with a soft laving. Her body balled into an ache, her sex throbbed as he shifted his attention to her left breast and gave it the same loving treatment.

  “I want to kiss and lick and taste every inch of you, Holland. Do you know how long I’ve waited to be here? Years. Fuck, sweetheart, even before I met you, I dreamed about you. I’ve always known you’re the one woman who could make me feel, make me want forever.” He nuzzled her, the stubble of his hard jaw gently abrading her skin. “Stand up and take off your pants. I don’t want anything to stop me from touching you.”

  God, she wasn’t the girl who simply obeyed, but she found herself sliding off his lap and standing in front of him. Breathless, the moment full of gravity, she peered down at the man who had tried so hard to be her hero. None of her boyfriends had fought for her like that. Most had considered her more competent than they were. Not one of them had made her feel soft and feminine or so desired. Her father had wanted a boy, so he’d raised her to be tough. Maybe Dax was right that she didn’t have to be a stereotypical tough girl. Maybe here with him it was safe to be open, to express all her facets—strong and soft and terribly weak where he was concerned.

  Holland lowered her guard and opened her heart as she unhooked the fastening of her slacks and let them slide down her hips. For a night, she could be Dax Spencer’s woman. That made her feel beautiful and feminine for once. And whole.

  She watched as his hot stare followed the trail of her slacks as they fell slowly to the floor. He was right. They didn’t have to rush. After waiting for so long, they should savor every kiss and touch. After all, they’d never have a first time together again. Why hurry when she had no intention of moving on? Dax was the destination.

  Every inch of him looked so masculine, his face all hard planes and angles that somehow formed a perfect definition of male beauty.

  Dax sat, still fully dressed while he studied her. She stood a heartbeat away wearing nothing more than her panties. Being so exposed should make her feel vulnerable. Instead, Holland felt every bit as beautiful as he’d told her she was even as the fear of being so emotionally exposed cut through her. But she took a deep breath and remembered his sweet words. God, when he told her how much he wanted her, that he wouldn’t leave her, she believed him.

  Flirting with something lasting was uncharted territory for her and perhaps a bit dangerous with Dax, but she couldn’t turn back now. She was finally ready to see if they could have something like forever.

  She stepped out of the slacks, having kicked aside her shoes long ago. He sat forward, his stare unwavering as he cupped her hips. There was nothing between those hot hands and her aching flesh but a tiny scrap of cotton. Her bikini panties weren’t as sexy as she’d like, but Dax didn’t seem to mind. He leaned in and nuzzled his nose against her sex, breathing in her scent.

  Normally, she would shy away from such intimacy, but he gave a low groan. The sound rumbled and vibrated along her sensitive flesh.

  “Fuck, I can smell how aroused you are. Your panties are damp. You’re wet, aren’t you, sweetheart?”