Skin and bone

  ‘Fátima, open the door, it’s me Tonho, it’s Antônio, your husband, Fátima, your daughter’s father. Fátima, I know it’s you, I know you’re there, open the door, come on, Fátima, open the door so we can talk, dammit I’ve missed you so much I thought you were dead, I left you lying there, my little bitch, I could’ve sworn you were dead, but you’re not. Open the door, Fátima, come on, so we can talk and sort things out, don’t be a pain in the arse, woman, I’ll explain everything, goddamnit, all these years I’ve spent looking for you, I walked here from Vilaboinha, Fátima, limping, scrounging food, taking odd jobs, and here I am, goddamnit, falling apart at the seams. Before I came here I went to see your grandma, I thought you were dead but she said you’d set off walking the highways, you’d left her on her own and disappeared off to São Paulo. You done for me in the end, didn’t you my little bitch, you always did you done for me even what you never wanted to do. Open the door, go on, you gonna tell me you haven’t missed me? São Paulo is too big, Fátima, all this time I’ve been searching through all these streets for you, all this time all these streets so we can think things through, Fátima open the door, go on, let’s talk. Are you gonna say you’re still mad at me, little bitch? Open the door, I’ll explain, come on, I didn’t mean to kill you, I didn’t mean to, goddamnit, it’s the dogs they won’t stop barking. You know me I didn’t mean to, you didn’t mean to and I forgive you Fátima, open the door and I’ll forgive you, Fátima, I never meant to hurt you, come on, I always stopped hitting you, open the door, I faced that goddamn dog every day for you. The dogs here won’t stop barking, open the door, Fátima, they’re right behind me, come on, woman, open the door so we can get out of here. Just let me in you’ll understand I’ll explain everything, goddamnit, I couldn’t, you couldn’t leave me like that, Fátima. I thought you liked me don’t you like me, Fátima? Open the door, goddamnit, all these years I didn’t forget you, my little bitch, every day I was far from you I suffered, goddamnit, I drank like a dog kicked to the ground, every day. Just let me in I’ll explain everything you’ll understand, Fátima, you’re not like other women, you’ll understand, Fátima, you’ll forgive me. Just let me in first, then I’ll explain everything, Fátima, everything I can explain everything, now just let me in forgive me I’ll explain everything, but let me in or all these dogs these dogs are gonna finish me off, please, Fátima, I know you’re in there, bitch, open this door or I’ll beat the shit out of you.

  ‘God is the father,’ Grandma used to say. ‘Father is all the things that make us hide away, under the sink, whispering into our wounds. Father is like God, he leaves everything to be understood, he doesn’t say anything about what we ought to know. Father is like God, he blows in like a hurricane and he has too many children, doesn’t matter how many, too many children to remember them all, to know what they like. The father forgets people. Like God.’

  What the devil is it, could it be the actual devil at the door? It can’t be Tonho, no way, could it be Tonho himself hammering on the door in this frenzy? But it must be Tonho running fleeing, goddamnit, doesn’t he see the dogs in Vila Marta are crazy? Maria the girl, poor thing, squeezed under the sink in the kitchen of the house unearthed, Maria the girl doesn’t know where she begins or where she ends, it must be the fever it has to be the Vilaboinha summer. Goddamnit, where did her daughter end up?

  Maria the girl under the sink watches the door shaking and banging could it be Tonho outside at the door? Maria the girl watches her daughter, watches her daughter and, Holy Father, she sees much more than Scarlett Maria: Maria the girl sees Maria de Fátima entire. Her splayed feet, and her sallow skin, which runs in the family. Maria the girl sees before her the sister she hadn’t seen in so long, holy shit, better stay hidden. Fátima might not forgive her.

  Maria the girl hears everything from under the sink, Tonho could it be the devil outside banging on the door, asking for forgiveness, dammit, must be his fear of the dogs. Maria the girl hears everything, Tonho outside could it really be Tonho at the door, it must be it was beating him with the plank, hitting him in the face with a rock, unpeeling Tonho like a cassava, holy shit, where did the knife go? The table? The pans? Under the sink Maria the girl can hardly see a thing. But this time Tonho dies for good, who knows this time he might not manage to kill Fátima?

  Maria the girl was under the sink just like when she watched Tonho beat Fátima to death, Maria the girl had to bark like a dog creep out on four legs could it be Tonho? What she needed was a prayer fit to bring down an ox. Goddamn, Fátima is so quiet. Maria the girl had to shout what her grandma knew so well, how to go about killing a man a wicked creature, how to exorcize the devil out of life. That’s the devil, we want to beat him he laughs and he cries out again at the door, asking forgiveness, he laughs at us he asks forgiveness, bastard, could it be the devil himself?

  Maria the girl finds the daughter, she looks at the daughter, looks at the daughter, but she sees the whole of Maria de Fátima, my God, so quiet. She must have learned a lot from life. Maria the girl had to cry out for help from the starving earth, the dogs within dogs it can only be the Vilaboinha summer. And if this time nobody came Maria the girl would take care of it and find Tonho’s arms, and bite, and give Maria de Fátima time to run far away on her bare feet, if this time nobody came Maria the girl would stamp on his feet on Tonho’s feet, goddamn things, she’d curse if she had to Maria the girl would even call the dog. This time at least this time she has to save Maria de Fátima.

  ‘Mother is everything I never had. Mother gives birth to a child and dies, there’s mothers who don’t do it all at once, they stay alive, and then they die a bit every day. Days are things that file past without us even noticing, taking away everything that doesn’t stay. Away is a far-off place, inside the eyes, and the eyes are holes so the world can be born in us. Mother shields you from the world, from what you don’t know, and all day long does all she could, only afterwards to sleep through what she couldn’t.’

  Maria the girl is under the sink hearing everything, the dogs within dogs, could that be Tonho shouting? Maria the girl should open the door, and beat the shit out of him. But if it really is Tonho he’s acting crazy, he’s come here to settle things with these dogs, if it really is Tonho he’ll get inside soon, goddamnit, if it really is Tonho and not the devil, if it really is father, what’s the girl going to do?

  She’s under the sink a bucket cracking beside her, listening to everything, Tonho, the dogs one inside the other, she’s under the sink she can hear Maria de Fátima’s silence. Watching the door separating them from Tonho. She’s under the sink she should get out from under the sink, she should stand up grab the plank, she should open the door and beat the living shit out of him. She’s under the sink she should get out this time she should get up get out from under there this time at least she should help Maria de Fátima, she should die with her, this time at least she shouldn’t let her sister die alone.

  But my God Fátima and Scarlett are so alike that Maria the girl can’t set eyes on Maria de Fátima without remembering her daughter, goddamnit, Scarlett is so quiet. Under the sink Maria the girl shakes her head, but it doesn’t drive away the fear she feels that the worst is happening. Her fear of no longer being Scarlett Maria’s mother. The fear my God the fear of losing her daughter. This one time at least just this once she doesn’t want to just be her, Maria the girl, tucking her knees in close to her chest to squeeze herself under the sink.

  Goddamn. You’re not gonna believe what happened next

  ‘Daughter is a part of us that’s split off. It doesn’t matter if it comes from outside or in, all pain is our daughter. Daughter is all that delicious pain. Daughter is all that deliciousness all parcelled up. Daughter is what leaves and what stays. Daughter is the part of us we haven’t met yet. She’s being confronted with a forgotten part of our flesh. She’s remembering all those days when life begins and ends.’

  ‘I should’ve known you were a truly evil woman, Fátima, I never forgave you for abandoning me to Vilaboinha. Your grandma said Fátima disappeared she went to São Paulo and I thought you bitch, open this door, I thought that bitch managed to stay alive, the devil looks after his own, she must’ve sold her soul to him, I swore I’d find you Fátima, even if you were in hell I’d find you, I swore. I should’ve known all this time with the dogs barking I’ll find you vicious whore the dogs are all loose, so you’ll be the one who kills me. Is this how you treat your husband? God doesn’t forgive, Fátima, you abandon me and I’ll come find you in hell and now this damn dog snapping at my shin, you gonna say you had nothing to do with this, you old whore, you gonna say it wasn’t you who sent all the dogs out, I never saw so many dogs in one place, open the door, Fátima, open this door or you’re gonna kill me. Goddamnit! I’m not dog food, open this door, Fátima! Open this door and I’m taking you with me! Open this door and get me a cloth for my leg, it’s bleeding, damn mutt, these dogs are possessed. Come on, Fátima, goddamnit woman, you think I’m joking? Open the door, if I could, if these dogs weren’t here I’d break it down, open this door, you’re my good-for-nothing wife. You bitch, you’re gonna kill me, you bitch, I’m dying bleeding suffering begging for help, this is what you get when you’re a good guy, open this door, witch, I thought you liked me I came to find you after everything you did to me, Fátima, open this door goddamn this bitch hanging on my shin goddamnit these dogs they all came with that Skinny bitch. Open this door… holy shit! Open it… Fátima, please, Fátima, I’m a good person, what more do you want, please, Fátima, I gave you a sister I gave you a daughter, don’t let me die out here, Fátima, this damn mutt all these damn dogs, goddamnit, I’m their fucking lunch.’

  Didn’t I say Skinny’s time would come ?

  Maria the girl can’t lose her daughter, Scarlett is everything she didn’t have. Outside Tonho is going crazy, he won’t come in alone, his dogs are a pack. Maria the girl can’t be alone again, stretching out her feet between the boxes of biscuits. Outside the dogs are going crazy, goddamnit, Tonho is a pack, but if Maria de Fátima is alive then who’ll be my daughter? Goddamnit, this goes round and round in Maria the girl’s head.

  Who’ll help in the kitchen? Clean the shack every day? Share the bread when there was some? Now all they needed was for Fátima to come from far away, goddamnit, all they needed was for Fátima to come and steal her daughter. Not Fátima’s daughter, the girl’s. Scarlett is already the daughter of Maria the girl, that’s how you have a child, Grandma knew that, it’s how you have a child, sending them off running, calling them back, yelling for help, goddamnit, missing them. D’you ever think you’d end up like Grandma without Cida? Cutting our hair and remembering her daughter, crying over our hair like it was an onion?

  Outside Tonho is raving, he won’t come in alone, his dogs are a pack, goddamn, such a pussy. Outside there’s not much left of Tonho, he’s lost in the dog-thick forest, but Maria the girl can’t stand it, she feels the dogs’ rage in her stomach: Maria the girl snatches the plank, she snatches the plank and swallows her tears. Today Maria de Fátima dies again. Today she will die one way or another.

  ‘Fátima, I know you’re there, Fátima, open this door. Fátima… don’t make a fool of me, I know it’s you in there nothing’s changed, nothing at all. Are you listening to me are you… Fátima? Don’t be so quiet, guarded, I know you’re in there, my little bitch, I know it’s you nothing’s changed, goddamn, nothing’s changed not one jot. I know that silence of yours, Fátima, I know your silence like the palm of my hand, my little bitch, if you open the door now no need to say a word, I just don’t want to lose the other leg my arms aren’t enough, they’re eating everything, please, Fátima.’

  Roaming the dogs are sewing up the streets of Vila Marta, they’re patching them onto the lengthy lands stitching its hems. No one even knows what’ll become of these streets, broad plots and alleyways, no one even knows what’ll become of all this without the dogs trampling down the dust, the wind unleashed, without the dogs trampling the mud every day to create the ground. That’s why no one in these parts will kill a dog.

  There are times when our eyes play tricks on us and make us see a man shared out among the dogs, you’ll see he’s not even a man any more, he’s a banquet for the dogs of Vila Marta. You’ll see he’s not a man any more, just an arm, a leg, a limb, you’ll see he’s not a man any more, he’s just flesh and bone, no longer a man, he’s just scraps for the dogs. Goddamn, the dogs aren’t even barking, no way in hell will they let go of that bone.

  There are times when our eyes trick us and make us see neither man nor limbs, sometimes we don’t want to see and our eyes trick us so we don’t see the slaughter. Nor the dogs closing in. So we don’t see how they run, reach, grab, tear, rip, destroy everything until they’ve had enough.

  We sometimes look away so’s not to see that mound of dogs high on life ripping up a man’s loneliness among them.

  ‘We’re animals like any others just like Skinny except we can’t sniff out bones. We’re animals like Skinny and the vultures, there are times when we’re huge great insects crawling all over things. We’re animals, Maria is an animal without antennae two-legged few-footed, we’re not much of an animal, awful at hunting for bones, you know what we hunt for? Old things inside our heads, hidden, things buried in heads, not bones, malaise, humps, this is what we’re digging for. But if everything we are falls short of the animal, where do we keep what makes us more?’

  Maria the girl under the sink doesn’t hear Tonho doesn’t hear anything, goddamn silence earth for burying words, where did he go before he killed Maria de Fátima?

  All this time Maria the girl couldn’t see Scarlett Maria de Fátima so alike, self-same parts, pieces left behind. But suddenly in this Vilaboinha summer Scarlett Maria and Maria de Fátima, the two Marias, short with wild hair, sunken eyes and a vulture cradled in the curve of their arms. Maria the girl doesn’t even see the end of this story recorded in the grounds of her skin. Suddenly Maria de Fátima there with her in the empty empty house, suddenly her sister comes back to life, is Maria de Fátima suddenly coming to take her daughter? No, no, no! Maria the girl echoes through the house. Scarlett Maria is mine! Mine! You bitch!

  Maria the girl her twisted legs all dishevelled comes out from under the sink and jumps on Maria de Fátima. She kicks Maria de Fátima, goes for her with the plank. Flattens on the floor her daughter’s mother, dammit, why does Maria de Fátima look so like Scarlett? Maria the girl doesn’t give her the battering that Fátima gave she doesn’t beat in every word, Maria the girl is beating her so’s not to lose her little one, Scarlett’s mine, Maria de Fátima! Mine! Goddamnit, why do they gotta look so alike?

  My God so alike, all this time she hadn’t noticed my God so alike, the very same skin, and their eyes great caverns in the flesh of their faces, and the fingers branching out from their hands, my God, so alike, short and their shins two laths, and their earth-like way of taking it, eating away at us. My God, Maria and Maria so very alike Maria and Maria little lives Maria and Maria all this time she hadn’t seen it, my God, she’s kicking strangling dragging Maria out across the floor of the empty house is it Maria or Maria?

  But it must be Maria de Fátima, the daughter doesn’t talk. And Fátima just taking it, after each beating, Fátima when Maria the girl paused a moment, caught her breath, Maria de Fátima repeated the same the unknown word. It could only be Fátima, Scarlett Maria can’t talk, it could only be Maria de Fátima but the pair so alike such Marias, so alike the poor things. My God, so alike that holy shit stop to think about it now after everything the girls so alike and now stopping to think, my God, had the girl kicked dragged out killed Maria or Maria?

  Later on, after bagging up, tagging and storing the body they’d come to find, the excavator in charge goes to file away the unearthed photos, to put them with his keys in his trouser pocket. Lowlifes love to dump close to home, the police chief says, not taking his hand off his gun. No one ordered a murder, doctor, it’ll end up in Vermelha, no question at all. What did I tell you? Just use a little force and they’ll spill the beans.

  What about the other body, Chief? asks the excavator in charge. Female, mid-brown skin, about one metre sixty, abrasions all over her body, probable cause of death: multiple trauma. They’re all of them like that, the chief brushes it off, impatient. What’s your name, boy? Who are your next of kin? Let me see the body it’s quite a beauty this one. You know what? I’m having a good day: you can take it home, just don’t get me into trouble.

  Maria the girl looks at the body, looks at the wind, looks at the wind and, Lord Almighty, sees much more than the wind. Maria the girl sees us coming

  Hunger: having a word on the tip of your tongue but you don’t remember.

  Remembering: finding a trace of the taste of flesh on a bare bone.

  Hidden organs

  ‘Were you born like that, Clarinha?’

  ‘You talking about my wart?’

  ‘Course not, your hunchback.’

  ‘Ah, and what about it, my little pet?’

  ‘Were you actually born with it, actually, or was it put on?’

  ‘You shouldn’t be looking at it talking about it, Cidinha.’

  ‘Why not, dammit?’