Foreword

  I HAVE BEEN A QUESTIONER ALL MY LIFE—SOMETIMES irritatingly so. It’s my nature to question the nature of nature. What is real? What is hidden? I must have been born with a gene for being open-minded and curious. This impulse has motivated my political values, my creative work, my relationships, and my spiritual search for deeper meaning. Who and what is that creative source, who are we, how did we get here, and where are we going?

  This book encompasses a great deal of research that I have done with others who have the same questioning nature. Some of what I write may seem dense, but then we live in a world of density that we don’t always understand. I’m looking for a little bit of clarity.

  Over the years, I’ve come to understand and appreciate the value of conflict although I don’t like it. But I understand that it is a teacher!

  My years in Hollywood have given me an exquisite appreciation of eccentricity and the manipulation of power and perception. For me it was a natural progression to analyze human behavior almost from a DNA point of view. How have we come to be the way we are?

  As a person of years, I am concerned more and more with longevity and the connection of mind, body, and spirit. Medicine that addresses itself to healing by way of energy and consciousness has helped me greatly. I don’t like drugs or the cut, burn, and poison approach. It is obsolete in most cases anyway. I’ll share with you my own experiences with such health issues, particularly dentistry.

  I have never felt we are alone in the cosmos, and in the pages that follow I’ll address myself to that intuitive belief, as well as present a great deal of credible evidence supporting my views. Some very serious people have shed light on this subject, as you’ll see. It is time for the curtain of ridicule, derision, and denial to come down.

  Mostly, I’m going to question and share what I have learned relating to our connection to what I call “the God source”: the God Within and the God Without. I question what is God and who were “the gods.” Why won’t our government tell us the truth about visitors from other worlds? Does the military-industrial complex always need to make us afraid of something in order to continue to exist? And, more than anything, I question the nature of fear and what it stems from.

  I have spent most of my adult life endeavoring to educate myself in the truths that we are not traditionally taught and do not readily see. I have been privileged to be able to afford to travel around the globe searching out answers to these mystical but fundamentally practical questions in many cultures. I have a vast library of research material with which I am very familiar. It helps me feel less alone in questioning things many are afraid to venture into themselves. I am not an occultist (which simply means “hidden”). I am the opposite. I share everything publicly. I investigate. I believe deeply in God and feel that this “source” energy resides in everyone—even those we call evil. I don’t really understand what “evil” means except that it is “live” spelled backward (which could be a definition in itself).

  I believe the great creator intended for all of us to feel happiness. Because of the laws of cause and effect (science as well as karma), each of us has a different road to completion and happiness.

  I try to be nonjudgmental on my road to completion, understanding, and happiness and hope that you, dear Reader, will feel the same way. STAY OPEN-MINDED—OTHERWISE THE TRUTH MAY NOT EMERGE. Even truth needs to feel acknowledged!

  chapter

  1

  I’M SITTING ON THE PORCH OF MY NEW HOUSE OVERLOOKING Santa Fe, New Mexico. I’m moving in and I’m exhausted from unpacking boxes, putting up pictures, and ruminating about my life. I do a lot of ruminating these days, but moving into a new house is making it more intense than usual.

  The house isn’t really new (it’s fifteen years old) but it is new to me, and it’s a dream place for me.

  A house is really a life…one you’ve had or one you want to have. A new dream.

  Whenever I have a really good dream, I find it’s usually about a house (my life) with new additional rooms (new chapters and adventures) for me to wander through.

  Now, as I take a break and look out over the terrain here in the Land of Enchantment I find myself freely associating about my own “inner terrain.”

  It’s a challenge for me to realize that I am older than I thought I was. I feel like a sage-ing “icon” (as the young people call me). I feel I must become a sage, or I can’t deal with the reality of what we’ve allowed ourselves to become—me included.

  At dinner parties these days the table falls virtually silent when I say something (anything) because the other guests expect a treatise on enlightenment. I’m told I predicted 9/11 and the erratic weather changes a long time ago. I don’t remember any of it, but then I don’t remember much of anything these days. The day I couldn’t remember where I put my car keys was one thing. But when I finally found them and I couldn’t remember what they were for, I knew I had reached the age for either sageing or an old folks’ home. I picked sageing.

  I’ve decided to believe everything I hear. Why not? It’s all unbelievable anyway. I mean, most everything these days challenges what I grew up knowing and believing was a kind of sane truth.

  Our president invades a country because Jesus or God told him to. Wow! And people think I’m wacky for believing in other lives and guiding spirits who channel through humans. Wasn’t that what happened to W.? “I don’t listen to my old man because I have a higher-powered spirit who got me off of heavy-duty ‘spirits’ along with drugs.” Wow again! What should we honestly think about all that? Should we believe him? Maybe so. But who and what were his spirits and his gods?

  Tomorrow I will start hanging family pictures on the walls of my new house. I remember that my father was a serial alcoholic who was intelligent and told the truth. In fact, I respected him for the reasons why he drank. He couldn’t bear the hypocrisy he saw all around him.

  He told me about the out-of-body experience he had when he cracked up the car. He said he went out of his body and met with his own father and mother again. He said he saw the light of God around them and knew that light was his real home. He wanted to go there—into the light—but something stopped him—a voice, maybe, who told him he needed to go back to his life on Earth and finish the work he had agreed to do. He said he had contracted to have his life with our family, and he knew he wasn’t finished.

  He never told anyone about his experience until I brought home my first metaphysical book which I read to him and Mother. (I always read my books to my parents before I published them.) He was glad to talk to someone about it. I knew how he felt—it had happened to me in Peru when I sat on a mountaintop in the Andes and left my body to witness the Earth below me. Was I crazy, I wondered, or was I liberated from limitations? Dad went on to tell me that he had seen his best buddy appear at the foot of his bed at the exact moment that he died in World War II. I remember asking him if he thought anyone ever really died. He looked at me with a quizzical expression but didn’t say anything in reply.

  Maybe death is as exciting as life. Maybe war is a karmic dance between the killers and the killees, and no soul ever really dies. If that is so, then what is the point of war? Is the real reason for war to teach us the karmic steps of the dance until we are exhausted by it?

  My dad had as many questions as I did. He loved philosophy and psychology. Questions like: Are we alone in the universe? Why are we here? Why are we the way we are? What is energy? Is there life before life?

  He always asked himself those questions and never stopped me from asking mine. He was kind of a hometown philosopher. I loved that about him. He had a hard time understanding why people behaved the way they did, with such subterfuge and hypocrisy. He would always tell the truth, even to his own detriment. For example, during his days selling real estate he would tell a prospective client that the water pump didn’t work or a new roof was needed, then wonder why such disclosure blew the sale. He couldn’t understand why truth was such a deterrent. He was an educated man who wrote unfinished dissertations on philosophy and psychology at Johns Hopkins. He never finished because he was ridiculed by one of his professors. I remember reading one of his papers on music. In it he said he could prove that notes had the same vibrational frequency as colors. He didn’t know then that he was talking about the human chakra system, but he was. And when I told him about the seven notes on the scale corresponding to the seven rainbow colors of the chakra system, he welled up with tears. He was trying to prove something intellectually that he knew was true intuitively. He was very patriotic and used to cry at the “Star-Spangled Banner,” too.

  Mother was a Canadian by birth and Daddy loved showing her around the Washington Monument, the Capitol, White House, Lincoln Memorial, etc., while she was studying to become a citizen of the United States.

  Mother didn’t show the emotional passion Daddy did. (She was a Canadian, after all.) Her love was for nature and regrowth in the spring. She said that was why she partially understood the theory of reincarnation. Same soul, different life every rebirth. Same bush, different rose every spring.

  Neither of them ridiculed my questions, my expanding beliefs, or my tendency to expound on such things in public. They used to say, “Well, it could all be true.”

  Daddy told me he secretly always wanted to run away and join the circus. He was a good musician who played the violin, but turned down a scholarship in Europe because he didn’t want to study hard to become a professional musician only to end up playing in the pit of a Broadway musical eight times a week. Hence, later on, he became a real estate salesman. I think I’m good with the value of real estate because of him. My agent used to say that because of my investments in real estate, I have lived rent-free my whole life.

  Mother was an artist, an actress, and loved to read poetry. Her mother was the Dean of Women at Acadia University in Wolfville, Nova Scotia, Canada. And Mother’s father was a brain surgeon (one of the best in Canada, I’m told) and as I found out later, going through the attic after they both had passed on, her father was a thirty-third-degree Mason! I found newspaper articles that she had saved attesting to that fact, but she never told me herself. Maybe she didn’t even know.

  She did tell me, though, that she was at her father’s side when he died (she was seventeen), and at his passing he said to her, “Oh, it’s sooo beautiful. Don’t be sorry, it’s incredibly beautiful.” So I suppose I got my spiritual and metaphysical leanings from both my parents.

  I guess we could say that belief is a result of our imagination. But then perhaps we are imagining we are alive, as the Buddhists propound. We dream our lives during the day, and night dream them when we sleep. The trick is to avoid the nightmares of each by understanding who we really are. I’ve always liked Einstein’s quote, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”

  As I look back over my life, as my mind wanders freely over how I’ve lived and loved and protested and questioned, I realize that aging well isn’t about the search for happiness, but more about quietly feeling content with what I’ve experienced. Loving without caring too much, you might say. And more than anything, I’ve come to appreciate the value of conflict. Everything isn’t always meant to be light and love. The dark times, the conflicts, that’s where real learning can happen.

  For example, during the Great Depression my family never had more than $300 in the bank, and we were taught to save for the future because one never knew when it could happen again. I remember I was confused over the declaration of war I heard Roosevelt announce through the old-fashioned radio in the living room as we gathered around trying to understand what “infamy” meant. I wept over the death of Roosevelt as I was coming up the back stairs of our house in Richmond, Virginia. I loved the “victory gardens” we were taught to till every weekend to be rewarded with ice-cream dinners on Sunday nights.

  I survived the move from Richmond to Arlington, Virginia, where my classmates made jokes about how Arlington was a place where people were “dying to get in.” I went through giving book reports in my below-the-Mason-Dixon-line accent until I finally talked like everyone else.

  I lived the excited pangs of independence and loneliness when at the age of sixteen I went to New York City to study ballet and whatever else the city that never slept had to offer. I had been dancing since I was three and had some pretty good teachers, but NYC was the ultimate. I got into the subway circuit show of Oklahoma! and discovered I loved musical comedy more than ballet. When Rodgers and Hammerstein asked me to join the London company, my dad was disappointed that I wouldn’t finish high school, so I turned Rodgers and Hammerstein down and went home to graduate. I’ve never regretted that, although I never learned much in school except how to type.

  My high school was about cheerleading, football games, dancing classes, and boys. When I graduated and went back to New York, I was ready to succeed. I got into a Servel Ice Box trade show and danced accomplished pirouettes around a Servel Ice Maker. It was so boring that one night I blacked out my two front teeth for a joke and got fired. We had traveled around the country with the refrigerators on a train, so I learned about stage door johnnies who wanted their drinks straight up, never mind the ice, and could they have the pleasure of experiencing a “showgirl”? I said, “No, I’m a dancer.”

  After Servel I got into Me and Juliet, another Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, where I settled into being a Broadway gypsy and rode the subways to and from the theater because I had only enough money for lunch and dinner at the Automat, usually a peanut butter sandwich (10¢) and lemonade (lemons and sugar free at the tables). The chorus line was a family to me, but I knew I wanted to be out there singing a song and acting. The opportunity soon came when Hal Prince and Freddie Brisson came down to the basement where the chorus kids dressed and asked if any of us wanted to invest in a new musical they were putting together called 71/2 Cents (later renamed The Pajama Game). I said I couldn’t afford an investment, but would like to audition for the show. They said fine.

  A few months later I found myself dancing in front of Jerry Robbins, George Abbott (who had directed Me and Juliet), Hal Prince, and a strange, hunched-over little man who smoked cigarettes incessantly and paced up and down the aisles of the St. James Theatre in the dark. I remembered he was married to Joan McCracken, one of the stars of Me and Juliet. I also remembered him from Kiss Me Kate on the screen. He played the snake and a court jester. He was Bob Fosse, and our lives were to be inextricably intertwined. When Jerry Robbins pointed to me and said, “You with the legs that start at your eyeballs,” I knew I was in.

  Carol Haney (who danced with Bob in Kiss Me Kate) was the hit of The Pajama Game when we opened a few months later. She had no understudy, and Hal Prince asked me if I would like to try. In those days, I was dancing with a long, red ponytail whipping around my face—that is, until the stage manager dunked my head in the basement sink and said, “Cut it off. You are attracting attention away from the principals!” Hence my hairstyle, which I’ve never changed. So much for my sense of keeping up with fashion.

  Anyway, they gave me the understudy job, but I never had a rehearsal. I had thought Carol would go on with a broken neck, so I had decided instead to understudy Gwen Verdon in Can-Can at the Shubert Theater down the street. Then, a few nights later, Carol sprained her ankle.

  Synchronicity was already beginning to become active in my life, as I was about to learn.

  I had my “I’m leaving” notice in my pocket when I arrived at the St. James. Across the stage door entrance stood Jerry Robbins, Bob Fosse, Hal Prince, etc. “Haney is out,” they said. “You’re on.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “I’m on? Without a rehearsal?” I didn’t know what key I sang in, I didn’t know the dialogue or the lyrics, and I didn’t know whether Carol’s clothes would fit. I had been watching her from the wings, but performing something with your own body is another matter. Even with the aforementioned problems, all I could think of was, “I’m going to drop the hat in Steam Heat” (Fosse’s famous hat-trick number).

  I raced to Carol’s dressing room. Her clothes fit me except for her shoes. I had a pair of sneakers with me from an afternoon at Jones Beach. They needed to be black. The wardrobe mistress dyed them (the black water dripped from them when I put them on). John Raitt and the conductor, Hal Hastings, wincingly went over the songs with me. With my voice, it didn’t really matter what key I sang in.

  There I was, waiting in the wings, when the announcer said Carol Haney would be out and I would replace her. There were “boos” from the orchestra to the second balcony. Some people threw things at the stage. The cast was lined up in the wings to observe the debacle. And I waited for the curtain to rise.

  I think it was then that I realized I had an angel on my shoulder. I felt I was guided somehow. I didn’t know how or by whom. But I wasn’t alone. I sank into the center of my being and somehow did the show. The rest of the cast was sensitive and on their toes for any trouble I might find myself unable to handle.

  I did drop the hat in Steam Heat because the spotlight blinded me. I lost it in midair, and said, “Oh shit,” right out loud. The first few rows gasped and crossed their legs, but I got through the rest of it without falling into the pit. When the show was over, I took my bows with the other two Steam Heat dancers. The audience stood up. Buzz Miller and Peter Gennaro peeled off and left me in the center of the stage to bask in the audience’s appreciation. Never had I been so lonely, but I knew deep inside that the destiny of my life was now in alignment. My shoulder angel smiled, and I knew I was in for a life of hard work, discipline, gratitude, and success.

  I also knew somehow that I would forever be curious about those things that were “unseen” but definitely real. They were alive and well and active in my life. I would come to understand them years later.