They’d shared many kisses before but never like that. Was it his time away that made the longing deeper? Perhaps, but from the way Ben still held her tight, there seemed to be more. She pressed her lips together, preparing to ask, but he beat her to it.

  “So, let me try this again. Is everything okay?” He kissed her above the temple with those words.

  She pulled back slightly, peering up at him. “I missed you something terrible.” She hoped he wouldn’t think she didn’t appreciate his work or how he cared for her. “It’s just that now that I know we’re going to be married, it’s so hard not to have you here. I love being with you, Ben. I love time with you. I love seeing your smile. Things don’t seem right when you’re away.”

  One of his hands reached up, his fingers brushing across her cheek. Ben bent his head down so their foreheads touched. “I know what you mean. Every day I thought of you. I thought of being back here. I thought of our wedding day. Time can’t go quick enough.”

  His words were genuine, filled with hope and joy. Yet Marianna saw something different in his gaze. There was a lost look there and an uncertainty she didn’t expect.

  “I’m fine, especially now that you’re here. But what about you?” She stepped back even more to get a clearer look at his face. Her shoes stepped on dry pine needles and pine cones, and a breeze blew through the trees, bringing a sweet smell and pushing away the musky aroma of the pond. “Is there something going on?” Marianna bit her lip, and she hesitated. “It seems like something’s wrong. Is everything okay?”

  Ben’s lips parted slightly. He took a step back and brushed his hair from his face. “It’s just a different world out there, you know? Going from place to place, sharing my music. I like that part. But then there’s the whole promotion aspect. On the one hand, I like that people care and want to know more about me and my life. On the other hand, I wish I could just come back to Montana and escape their interest. You know what I mean?” He grimaced as if there was more to say but he was holding back.

  Marianna nodded even though she didn’t know exactly what he meant. Although she had listened to him play in a smaller venue, she’d never attended one of his larger concerts. It seemed more straightforward to know Ben for who he was here, in Montana, with her.

  He stood there silent, looking at the pond. Something was heavy on his thoughts. At the right time, he’ll tell me. Ben was always good about expressing what was going on in his mind and heart.

  Without a word, Marianne entwined her fingers in his and pulled gently, leading him to the log. She sat, and he sat next to her. She scooted a few inches closer and rested her head against his shoulder.

  Ten minutes passed. Then fifteen. He seemed to be lost in his thoughts. It didn’t matter. What mattered was they were finally together.

  When Marianna remembered that she was supposed to work at the store for Annie, waitressing for the lunch crowd, she lifted her head to look at Ben.

  “There’s so much about the wedding I want to talk about. My mother has a lot of ideas. Annie has even more.” A nervous laugh escaped her lips. “And I want to tell you about dress shopping too, although I don’t want to give too much away. There will be family visiting from Indiana. My mother says my aunt Ida is coming. She keeps her eyes peeled on all the Amish in Shipshewana, and I wonder how she will handle Montana and the fact I’m not marrying an Amishman.

  “Mom’s closest sister, Betsy, is coming too with her children. I just can’t imagine what they will think when they see these mountains. And after running around in these woods, I’m certain my cousins won’t want to go home.” Marianna’s voice trailed off, and even though Ben appeared to be listening, she could tell his mind was still in another place. She forced herself to broaden her smile. “But that’s not something we need to talk about right now. Perhaps since I have to work, you should try to get some rest. I can’t even imagine how hard it is with all your travel.”

  “The travel’s not too bad. You don’t need to worry about me.” Yet with his words, Ben’s brow furrowed.

  “If it’s not the travel, did I do something wrong? Maybe I shouldn’t have called the other day. I’m sorry to have interrupted your meeting.”

  Ben’s hands reached for hers. He grasped them and rubbed his fingertips along the back of her hands. “No, Marianna. It’s not that. I’m so sorry if I seem lost in my thoughts. I’m here if you want someone to listen.”

  She glanced down at his watch, noting the time. “I do have to go in and work for Annie today. Things are always busier during the beautiful Montana summer days. Maybe we can talk later? Unless you want to tell me now.” Silence followed then, and she could tell from the look on Ben’s face he did have something to say.

  Ben cleared his throat. “Jason’s been on my mind a lot.” Just saying the name caused Ben’s face to fall.

  “Your friend who…died?”

  Sadness turned down his lips, and her heart ached, knowing how many years Ben had lived with this burden.

  “He was a year younger than me, which would have made him twenty-seven. He’d most likely be married by now. Maybe even have a baby on the way.”

  “And thoughts about our wedding make you think of him?” She struggled to understand.

  “I suppose, although it might not make sense.” Ben shrugged. “It’s just that he’ll never get one, you know?”

  It had been Jason’s death that had led Ben to leave behind his band and music to come to Montana. He’d come to hide, but God found him here—or at least that’s what Ben had always told her. They’d found each other here too. But were they taking things too fast? Was that also part of Ben’s regrets?

  “There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. Well, actually, more than one thing, but we’ll start with one.”

  More than one thing? Lots of problems surrounding their wedding, their marriage? If she was counting on anyone to see this wedding as a blessing and not a problem, it was Ben.

  Yet if even the man she was going to marry had worries, maybe it was a sign that things weren’t as happy or joyful as she’d imagined. Perhaps I’m the only one who’s been disillusioned all along.

  Marianna winced, and her toes tapped on the ground.

  “I’m bringing this up because it’s something timely. There was a voicemail on my phone when I finally checked my messages this morning.”

  “Ja, go ahead.”

  “I assume we’re going to be married by the pastor of my church?” His voice lifted in a question.

  “Ja. An Amish minister would have no part in a marriage like ours.” She bit down on her bottom lip.

  “Pastor Phil left a message and wants to meet with us.” Ben released her hands and rubbed the back of his neck as if to ease a kink.

  “Is there a problem?”

  “Lots of couples go through something called premarital counseling. He doesn’t do that, but he does want to talk to us and hear our ideas about marriage.”

  Marianna’s knees trembled again, and weight grew in the pit of her stomach. “Will he tell us if he thinks we shouldn’t get married?”

  “I don’t think it’s anything like that. More like expectations about the future—where we will live, our ideas on children, our faith.”

  Marianna pressed her fingertips to her temples, feeling an ache come on. “I didn’t know there was such a thing as this. Everyone had the same idea of marriage in the community I grew up in. Of the husband’s role and the wife’s. Having all the children the Lord gifted them with. Being part of the same community and church. Our churches consisted of the families who lived closest to us. There was nothing to discuss.”

  “And outside the Amish, there are many types of churches and styles. There are lots of choices of where to live, of the number of kids. And about careers—specifically what our lives will look like concerning my career.” Ben kept his voice gentle. Still, the tension building within Marianna strained around her shoulders and chest like a cinch pulled tight inch by inch.

  “There are so many things to think about.” Her words released in a whisper. “So many choices. I didn’t realize how much comfort one can get in understanding one’s exact role and tasks at any moment.”

  Ben rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s hard, I know.”

  Overhead, a birdsong filled the air, but other than the sweet song, the woods suddenly seemed like a dark and cold place.

  “I’ve been thinking about our wedding, too, and I feel pulled in different directions. Mem wants one thing, and Annie has ideas for something else. Neither is unrealistic or outrageous. But the more I think about disappointing either of them, the more I believe that we can just skip so much of the fuss. Let’s just do something simple. It’s our wedding, and the most important thing is that we’ll be committing our lives to each other, right?” She presented what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

  “Simple?” He rubbed his brow and released a heavy sigh. “If you’re marrying me, there might not be anything simple about it.”

  Ben’s face fell, and panic clawed at Marianna’s chest. Something was going on. Ben was always the one who shared his thoughts and feelings. But here he was, holding back.

  The pounding of her heart propelled Marianna to her feet. She turned to face him, even as it took every ounce of control to hold back her tears. “Of course, if you still want to get married?”

  “Of course I want to get married, but we can discuss it later. It’s just that tomorrow is the anniversary of Jason’s death.” Ben rubbed his eyes and then his brow. “I didn’t mean to ruin our time together, but I just can’t talk about this now.” His chin quivered, and his voice cracked.

  “Tomorrow is the anniversary of Jason’s death?” Pain scratched the back of her throat to see the empty look in his gaze. Dark circles ringed his eyes too. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize.” Taking a step closer, Marianna took his hand and squeezed.

  He wiped his eyes with the back of his free hand. “It doesn’t seem right, does it, that I’ve found an amazing woman who loves me, and I’m getting married. I’m sure it hurts his family knowing that.”

  “You know God has forgiven you, right? And while it’s hard to forgive yourself, you can’t keep looking back. Like I read in The Budget once, ‘Regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow are twin thieves that rob us of the moment.’ We’re finally together, Ben. We have this moment together. We need to trust God and not let regrets or fear—”

  “But what if I’m about to mess everything up again?” he interrupted, pulling his hand from hers. “Every reporter and podcaster wanted to know about the wedding. What if they don’t let it drop? People in these parts want their privacy. And surely you wouldn’t want someone following you around with cameras on you.”

  “Of course I don’t. I hate the thought of that. I’m proud of you. I really am.” She shivered. “But you know that world, well, it’s not for me.”

  “Don’t you understand, Mari? Accepting me is accepting that world. My music is a way I care for my fans. And the concerts… I was just hoping—”

  “You’re not thinking I should travel with you? I—I can’t do that.”

  Pain flashed through Ben’s eyes, and then he quickly looked away. She took a step back, and he turned his back to her.

  “You know, maybe this is a wake-up call.” Ben’s voice was low, flat. “You have a lot of worries about the wedding. And I have a lot of worries about after the wedding. Maybe I’m not letting future fears rob us. Maybe I’m just being realistic. I feel called to make music and share it, yet if you’re not even willing to think about coming on the road with me…maybe we should just put things on hold until we can figure this all out.”

  Maybe we should just put things on hold? He’d just come home, and for the past few weeks, all she’d been able to think about was them being together. It was hard to suck in a breath. This wasn’t the homecoming she’d expected.

  Ben turned slowly, and his eyes focused on hers. Sadness filled his gaze. “I’m sorry. Before I saw you today, I wanted to shake off these regrets and worries. But, if I’m going to be truthful, that date on the calendar haunts me.” He opened his mouth as if he wanted to tell her more and then closed it again.

  She crossed her arms over her chest, pulling them in close. If she stayed around any longer, she’d be late. Surely Annie would understand, but would sticking around do any good? Or would it just make things worse?

  Ben reached for her hands, and she placed hers into his. With a sweet tenderness, Ben pulled her hands to his lips, softly kissing the back of her fingers. She waited for him to comfort her worries and tell her everything would be okay. Instead, he nodded in the direction of her parents’ house. “I parked my truck at your house. I’d be happy to give you a ride to work.”

  “Yes, of course. Thank you.” What else could she say?

  Chapter Eleven

  Wednesday, June 28, West Kootenai, Montana

  Marianna tied on her apron in Annie’s office. She took a deep breath, willing her nerves to calm. Please let Annie be busy, real busy. She didn’t know if she could put up with her friend’s large smile and bubbly attitude today. Or any more wedding ideas.

  I can’t believe this is happening. Is our wedding really on hold? I’m not soon going to be Mrs. Ben Stone?

  Yet when Annie emerged from the kitchen, Marianna had just made it to the dining room area of Kootenai Kraft and Grocery. Annie’s smile was as welcoming as the two slices of apple pie she carried. Marianna didn’t want to feel welcomed. She didn’t want to feel a part of this community. All she wanted was to escape to her place near the pond alone. To have time to think and to pray.

  Annie’s long blonde ponytail rested across the front of her shoulder. “I have to run to Kalispell tomorrow. There was a message on my phone that the alterations are done on your dress. If you’d like, I can take you down for the final fitting.”

  “Final fitting? So soon? It’s only been four days. The shop owner said it could take up to three weeks. And we don’t even know where we’ll have the wedding yet.” Or if they were going to have a wedding at all. She swallowed down her emotions and tried to hide her trembling hands.

  Annie spun, facing Marianna. “Whoa, I didn’t mean to stress you out. I simply thought that you’d be happy to know it’s done. You know, mark something off your list and not worry about getting to Kalispell at a different time.”

  “Yes, of course. That makes sense.” Marianna reached up to fiddle with her kapp string before she remembered that she wasn’t wearing a kapp—and wouldn’t ever wear a kapp again.

  Annie’s eyes searched Marianna’s face, and her forehead scrunched up in worry. “Hold on. Stay right here. Let me deliver this pie.” She motioned to the nearest booth against the wall, and Marianna obediently sat there.

  Wonderful aromas drifted from the kitchen. It smelled like brewing coffee and cinnamon rolls. How often had Marianna worked in that kitchen and wondered whether to stay in Montana or return to Indiana? About whether to dare to open her heart to Ben or to stay with the safe bet of Aaron. Yet after what she’d learned about Aaron, she’d discovered he wasn’t the safe bet. Not only had he proven unfaithful to her, but he’d also fathered a child with Naomi and tried to act as if nothing had happened. No thanks to Aaron, baby Samuel had a wonderful father in her brother Levi.

  After delivering the pie and checking on the other customers, Annie slid onto the wooden bench across from Marianna. “I have to ask, is everything okay?”

  Marianna traced the woodgrain pattern on the table with her finger. “Oh, Annie. How do I know I’m doing the right thing? What if I’m making the wrong decision? What if I’m missing something…and I will end up hurt again?”

  “Missing something? Is there something I should know? Has Ben done something to hurt you?”

  “No, not Ben. Aaron.”

  “Aaron? Why are you thinking of Aaron? And what does he have to do with Ben?”

  “Everything, don’t you see?” Marianna reached for a paper napkin, folded it, and unfolded it again. “I thought I knew Aaron, really knew him. I was ready to give him my heart only to discover that I didn’t know him.”

  “But Ben is not Aaron.”

  “Yes, but what if I’m missing something? This is a lifelong decision.”

  Annie nodded, yet questions still filled her gaze. “But you already made the decision to leave the Amish, yes? Or did you leave for Ben?”

  “I left because I realized that God did not require me to be Amish to have a relationship with Him. In fact, I discovered He has more in store for us than we imagine.”

  “So, things will work out either with Ben or without Ben?”

  Heat ringed Marianna’s neck, and she felt it hard to breathe. “Ja, but I don’t want to imagine life without Ben.” The words rushed out. “I’m just scared that he doesn’t feel the same.”

  Annie opened her mouth but closed it again. She rose, poured two cups of coffee, and returned with them, yet neither took a sip. Instead, Marianna wrapped her hands around her mug, letting the warmth seep in.

  “I know people talk about getting cold feet, but I never thought it would happen to me. And then there’s my mother and her friends. No one knows how to act or what to say, but Mem has ideas too. I know my mem has been waiting for years to have a daughter married…” Marianna let her voice trail off.

  “It sounds like you don’t feel in control of your wedding. No wonder the worries have started to build. Have you talked to Ben about it?”

  “A little, but that’s another problem. Something is going on. I’m not sure what. Maybe Ben’s having second thoughts? Maybe we should wait? Maybe I should tell Mem not to have the announcement of our wedding published.”

  “It sounds like you have some thinking to do. And praying.”

  “Yes. And after work, I know just where to go.” Marianna took a sip of her coffee and bounced her knee. She needed to go back to the beaver pond. To think. To pray.