VALENTINE

  My dear Proteus, no. We should say good-bye to each other now. Write to me in Milan, and tell me of your luck with love and whatever other news happens while I’m away. I’ll likewise write to you.

  PROTEUS

  May you find happiness in Milan!

  VALENTINE

  And the same to you here at home! Farewell!

  VALENTINE exits.

  PROTEUS

  He hunts for honor, while I hunt for love. He leaves his friends to bring them more honor, but I neglect myself, my friends, and everything else for love. Oh, Julia, you’ve transformed me. You’ve made me neglect my studies, waste my time, argue against all reasonable advice, and set myself against the world. You’ve made my brain weak from thinking about you so much, and my heart sick with melancholy.

  SPEED enters.

  SPEED

  God save you, Sir Proteus! Have you seen my master?

  PROTEUS

  He just left here a minute ago on his way to Milan.

  SPEED

  I’d wager twenty to one, then, that his ship has already left. I’m foolish for having lost him.

  PROTEUS

  Indeed, sheep often go astray when the shepherd has gone away.

  SPEED

  You’re saying that my master is a shepherd, then, and I’m a sheep?

  PROTEUS

  Yes.

  SPEED

  Well then, my horns are his horns, whether I’m awake or asleep.

  PROTEUS

  What a silly answer—very fitting for a sheep.

  SPEED

  This means you think I’m still a sheep.

  PROTEUS

  Yes, and your master a shepherd.

  SPEED

  No, I can disprove that with an example.

  PROTEUS

  It’ll be a challenge, but I’ll prove it with another example.

  SPEED

  The shepherd looks for the sheep, but the sheep doesn’t look for the shepherd. I’m looking for my master, but my master isn’t looking for me. Therefore, I’m not a sheep.

  PROTEUS

  The sheep follows the shepherd because it wants food, but the shepherd doesn’t follow the sheep for food. You follow your master for your pay, but your master doesn’t follow you for pay. Therefore, you’re a sheep.

  SPEED

  Another bad example like that and I’ll say, “Baa.”

  PROTEUS

  But anyway, what happened? Did you give my letter to Julia?

  SPEED

  Yes, sir. I, a lost mutton, gave your letter to her, a laced mutton5. And she, the prostitute, gave me, a lost mutton, nothing for all my hard work.

  PROTEUS

  The world isn’t big enough for all these damn sheep.

  SPEED

  If it’s too crowded for you, then you should stick her.

  PROTEUS

  No, now you’ve really gone astray. I ought to pound you.

  SPEED

  No, sir, less than a pound will suffice for delivering your letter.

  PROTEUS

  You misunderstood. I meant give you a pounding, pinhead.

  SPEED

  You’ve gone from a pound down to a pinhead? No, I want more than that—that’s far too little payment for delivering a letter to your lover.

  PROTEUS

  So what did she say?

  SPEED

  (nodding) Ay.

  PROTEUS

  Nod-ay? Well, that’s “naughty.”

  SPEED

  You misunderstood, sir. I said she nodded, and you asked me if she nodded, and I said, “Ay.”

  PROTEUS

  And all that put together is “naughty.”

  SPEED

  Now that you’ve taken the trouble to figure it out, take that for your trouble and consider it your answer.

  PROTEUS

  No, no, you shall have it for delivering the letter.

  SPEED

  Well, I guess I must be willing to put up with you.

  PROTEUS

  Why, sir, what do you mean, “put up with me”?

  SPEED

  Geez, sir, I mean getting nothing but the word “naughty” as payment for my delivery.

  PROTEUS

  Damn, you have a quick wit.

  SPEED

  And yet I can’t speed past your slowness in paying me.

  PROTEUS

  Come on, come on, tell me briefly. What did she say?

  SPEED

  Open your wallet, and the money and her response will both be delivered.

  PROTEUS

  (Giving him money) Well, sir, here’s something for your trouble. What did she say?

  SPEED

  Honestly, sir, I think you’ll have a hard time winning her.

  PROTEUS

  Why? Did you get that from speaking with her?

  SPEED

  Sir, I couldn’t get anything at all out of her, not even so much as a tip for delivering your letter. And since she was so stingy to me for having delivered your thoughts, I fear she’ll prove just as stingy with you. Don’t give her any little gifts except stones, because she’s as hard as steel.

  PROTEUS

  What did she say? Nothing?

  SPEED

  No, not even so much as “Take this for your trouble.” I can attest to your generosity since you’ve given me a small tip. In return, you can deliver your own letters from now on. And so, sir, I’ll say hello to my master for you.

  PROTEUS

  Go on, get out of here. You’ll save your ship from destruction since you’re destined to die on dry land6.

  SPEED exits.

  I must send a letter with a better messenger. I’m afraid my Julia wouldn’t accept my letter because she received it from such a worthless postman.

  PROTEUS exits.

  ACT 1, SCENE 2

  Original Text

  Enter JULIA and LUCETTA

  JULIA

  But say, Lucetta, now we are alone,

  Wouldst thou then counsel me to fall in love?

  LUCETTA

  Ay, madam, so you stumble not unheedfully.

  JULIA

  Of all the fair resort of gentlemen

  5

  That every day with parle encounter me,

  In thy opinion which is worthiest love?

  LUCETTA

  Please you repeat their names, I’ll show my mind

  According to my shallow simple skill.

  JULIA

  What think’st thou of the fair Sir Eglamour?

  LUCETTA

  10

  As of a knight well-spoken, neat, and fine;

  But, were I you, he never should be mine.

  JULIA

  What think’st thou of the rich Mercatio?

  LUCETTA

  Well of his wealth, but of himself, so-so.

  JULIA

  What think’st thou of the gentle Proteus?

  LUCETTA

  15

  Lord, Lord, to see what folly reigns in us!

  JULIA

  How now? What means this passion at his name?

  LUCETTA

  Pardon, dear madam, ’tis a passing shame

  That I, unworthy body as I am,

  Should censure thus on lovely gentlemen.

  JULIA

  20

  Why not on Proteus, as of all the rest?

  LUCETTA

  Then thus, of many good I think him best.

  JULIA

  Your reason?

  LUCETTA

  I have no other but a woman’s reason;

  I think him so because I think him so.

  JULIA

  25

  And wouldst thou have me cast my love on him?

  LUCETTA

  Ay, if you thought your love not cast away.

  JULIA

  Why, he of all the rest hath never moved me.

  LUCETTA

  Yet he of all the rest I think best loves ye.

  JULIA

  His little speaking shows his love but small.

  LUCETTA

  30

  Fire that’s closest kept burns most of all.

  JULIA

  They do not love that do not show their love.

  LUCETTA

  O, they love least that let men know their love.

  JULIA

  I would I knew his mind.

  LUCETTA

  (Giving a letter) Peruse this paper, madam.

  JULIA

  35

  (Reads) “To Julia.” Say, from whom?

  LUCETTA

  That the contents will show.

  JULIA

  Say, say, who gave it thee?

  LUCETTA

  Sir Valentine’s page; and sent, I think, from Proteus.

  He would have given it you, but I, being in the way,

  40

  Did in your name receive it. Pardon the fault, I pray.

  JULIA

  Now, by my modesty, a goodly broker!

  Dare you presume to harbor wanton lines?

  To whisper and conspire against my youth?

  Now trust me, ’tis an office of great worth,

  45

  And you an officer fit for the place.

  There, take the paper. See it be returned,

  Or else return no more into my sight.

  (Giving the letter back)

  LUCETTA

  To plead for love deserves more fee than hate.

  JULIA

  Will ye be gone?

  LUCETTA

  50

  That you may ruminate.

  Exit

  JULIA

  And yet I would I had o’erlooked the letter.

  It were a shame to call her back again

  And pray her to a fault for which I chid her.

  What fool is she, that knows I am a maid

  55

  And would not force the letter to my view!

  Since maids, in modesty, say no to that

  Which they would have the profferer construe ay.

  Fie, fie, how wayward is this foolish love

  That, like a testy babe, will scratch the nurse

  60

  And presently, all humbled, kiss the rod!

  How churlishly I chid Lucetta hence,

  When willingly I would have had her here!

  How angerly I taught my brow to frown,

  When inward joy enforced my heart to smile!

  65

  My penance is to call Lucetta back

  And ask remission for my folly past.

  What ho! Lucetta!

  Enter LUCETTA

  LUCETTA

  What would your ladyship?

  JULIA

  Is’t near dinner time?

  LUCETTA

  70

  I would it were,

  That you might kill your stomach on your meat

  And not upon your maid.

  (She drops the letter and stoops to pick it up.)

  JULIA

  What is’t that you took up so gingerly?

  LUCETTA

  Nothing.

  JULIA

  75

  Why didst thou stoop, then?

  LUCETTA

  To take a paper up that I let fall.

  JULIA

  And is that paper nothing?

  LUCETTA

  Nothing concerning me.

  JULIA

  Then let it lie for those that it concerns.

  LUCETTA

  80

  Madam, it will not lie where it concerns,

  Unless it have a false interpreter.

  JULIA

  Some love of yours hath writ to you in rhyme.

  LUCETTA

  That I might sing it, madam, to a tune,

  Give me a note; your ladyship can set.

  JULIA

  85

  As little by such toys as may be possible.

  Best sing it to the tune of “Light o’ Love.”

  LUCETTA

  It is too heavy for so light a tune.

  JULIA

  Heavy! Belike it hath some burden then?

  LUCETTA

  Ay, and melodious were it, would you sing it.

  JULIA

  And why not you?

  LUCETTA

  I cannot reach so high.

  JULIA

  Let’s see your song. How now, minion?

  (She takes the letter.)

  LUCETTA

  Keep tune there still; so you will sing it out.

  And yet methinks I do not like this tune.

  JULIA

  95

  You do not?

  LUCETTA

  No, madam, ’tis too sharp.

  JULIA

  You, minion, are too saucy.

  LUCETTA

  Nay, now you are too flat,

  And mar the concord with too harsh a descant.

  100

  There wanteth but a mean to fill your song.

  JULIA

  The mean is drowned with your unruly bass.

  LUCETTA

  Indeed, I bid the base for Proteus.

  JULIA

  This babble shall not henceforth trouble me.

  Here is a coil with protestation!

  105

  (She tears the letter and drops the pieces.)

  Go, get you gone, and let the papers lie.

  You would be fing’ring them to anger me.

  LUCETTA

  She makes it strange, but she would be best pleased

  To be so angered with another letter.

  Exit

  JULIA

  110

  Nay, would I were so angered with the same!

  (She picks up some fragments.)

  O hateful hands, to tear such loving words!

  Injurious wasps, to feed on such sweet honey

  And kill the bees that yield it with your stings!

  115

  I’ll kiss each several paper for amends.

  Look, here is writ “kind Julia.” Unkind Julia!

  As in revenge of thy ingratitude,

  I throw thy name against the bruising stones,

  Trampling contemptuously on thy disdain.

  120

  (She throws down a fragment.)

  And here is writ “love-wounded Proteus.”

  Poor wounded name! My bosom as a bed

  Shall lodge thee till thy wound be throughly healed;

  And thus I search it with a sovereign kiss.

  125

  But twice or thrice was “Proteus” written down.

  Be calm, good wind, blow not a word away

  Till I have found each letter in the letter,

  Except mine own name; that some whirlwind bear

  Unto a ragged, fearful, hanging rock

  130

  And throw it thence into the raging sea!

  Lo, here in one line is his name twice writ,

  “Poor forlorn Proteus, passionate Proteus,

  To the sweet Julia.” That I’ll tear away;

  And yet I will not, sith so prettily

  135

  He couples it to his complaining names.

  Thus will I fold them, one upon another.

  Now kiss, embrace, contend, do what you will.

  (She puts some folded papers in her bosom.)

  Enter LUCETTA

  LUCETTA

  Madam, dinner is ready, and your father stays.

  JULIA

  Well, let us go.

  LUCETTA

  140

  What, shall these papers lie like telltales here?

  JULIA

  If you respect them, best to take them up.

  LUCETTA

  Nay, I was taken up for laying them down;

  Yet here they shall not lie, for catching cold.

  (She gathers up the remaining fragments.)

  JULIA

  I see you have a month’s mind to them.

  LUCETTA

  145

  Ay, madam, you may say what sights you see;

  I see things too, although you judge I wink.

  JULIA

  Come, come; will ’t please you go?

  Exeunt

  ACT 1, SCENE 2

  Modern Text

  JULIA and LUCETTA enter.

  JULIA

  Now that we’re alone, tell me, Lucetta, would you recommend that I fall in love?

  LUCETTA

  Yes, madame, so you stumble into it on purpose.

  JULIA

  Of all the attractive gentlemen that speak with me daily, which do you think would be best to love?

  LUCETTA

  Please tell me their names again, and I’ll tell you my opinion about them as best I can.

  JULIA

  What do you think of the attractive Sir Eglamour?

  LUCETTA

  As a knight, he’s well-spoken, elegant, and fine. But if I were you, I wouldn’t fall in love with him.

  JULIA

  What do you think of Mercatio, who is rich?

  LUCETTA

  I like his money a lot, but him only so-so.

  JULIA

  What do you think of kind Proteus?

  LUCETTA

  Good Lord, how foolish people are!

  JULIA

  What’s that for? Why this outburst at his name?

  LUCETTA

  Pardon me, dear madame, it’s inexcusable that I, the unworthy servant that I am, should criticize such lovely gentlemen.

  JULIA

  Why don’t you think well of Proteus out of all the rest?

  LUCETTA

  Fine then—of all the good men, I think Proteus is best.

  JULIA

  What’s your reason?

  LUCETTA

  I have no other reason than a woman’s intuition: I think he’s the best simply because I do.

  JULIA

  And would you have me throw my love at him?

  LUCETTA

  Yes, if you thought your love wouldn’t be thrown away.

  JULIA

  But, of all the others, he has never proposed to me.

  LUCETTA

  Yet, of all the others, I think he loves you the most.

  JULIA

  The fact that he doesn’t say much to me shows he doesn’t love me much.

  LUCETTA

  Fire that’s most enclosed burns most of all.

  JULIA

  Those who don’t show their love don’t love at all.

  LUCETTA

  Oh, those who tell others of their love love the least of all.

  JULIA

  I wish I knew how he felt.

  LUCETTA

  (Giving her a letter) Read this paper, madame.

  JULIA

  “To Julia.” Tell me, who’s it from?

  LUCETTA

  The letter will say.

  JULIA

  Tell me, who gave it to you?

  LUCETTA

  Sir Valentine’s servant, but I think it was sent from Proteus. He would have given it to you himself, but I ran into him first and took it in your name. Please forgive me.