VALENTINE

  How now, sirrah?

  SPEED

  She is not within hearing, sir.

  VALENTINE

  10

  Why, sir, who bade you call her?

  SPEED

  Your worship, sir, or else I mistook.

  VALENTINE

  Well, you’ll still be too forward.

  SPEED

  And yet I was last chidden for being too slow.

  VALENTINE

  Go to, sir. Tell me, do you know Madam Sylvia?

  SPEED

  15

  She that your worship loves?

  VALENTINE

  Why, how know you that I am in love?

  SPEED

  Marry, by these special marks: first, you have learned, like Sir Proteus, to wreath your arms, like a malcontent; to relish a love-song, like a robin redbreast; to walk alone,

  20

  like one that had the pestilence; to sigh, like a schoolboy that had lost his A B C; to weep, like a young wench that had buried her grandam; to fast, like one that takes diet; to watch, like one that fears robbing; to speak puling, like a beggar at Hallowmas. You were wont, when you

  25

  laughed, to crow like a cock; when you walked, to walk like one of the lions; when you fasted, it was presently after dinner; when you looked sadly, it was for want of money. And now you are metamorphosed with a mistress, that when I look on you, I can hardly think you

  30

  my master.

  VALENTINE

  Are all these things perceived in me?

  SPEED

  They are all perceived without ye.

  VALENTINE

  Without me? They cannot.

  SPEED

  Without you? Nay, that’s certain, for, without you were

  35

  so simple, none else would. But you are so without these follies that these follies are within you, and shine through you like the water in an urinal, that not an eye that sees you but is a physician to comment on your malady.

  VALENTINE

  But tell me, dost thou know my lady Sylvia?

  SPEED

  40

  She that you gaze on so as she sits at supper?

  VALENTINE

  Hast thou observed that? Even she I mean.

  SPEED

  Why, sir, I know her not.

  VALENTINE

  Dost thou know her by my gazing on her, and yet know’st her not?

  SPEED

  45

  Is she not hard-favored, sir?

  VALENTINE

  Not so fair, boy, as well-favored.

  SPEED

  Sir, I know that well enough.

  VALENTINE

  What dost thou know?

  SPEED

  That she is not so fair as, of you, well-favored.

  VALENTINE

  50

  I mean that her beauty is exquisite but her favor infinite.

  SPEED

  That’s because the one is painted and the other out of all count.

  VALENTINE

  How painted? And how out of count?

  SPEED

  Marry, sir, so painted, to make her fair, that no man

  55

  counts of her beauty.

  VALENTINE

  How esteem’st thou me? I account of her beauty.

  SPEED

  You never saw her since she was deformed.

  VALENTINE

  How long hath she been deformed?

  SPEED

  Ever since you loved her.

  VALENTINE

  60

  I have loved her ever since I saw her, and still I see her beautiful.

  SPEED

  If you love her, you cannot see her.

  VALENTINE

  Why?

  SPEED

  Because Love is blind. O, that you had mine eyes, or your

  65

  own eyes had the lights they were wont to have when you chid at Sir Proteus for going ungartered!

  VALENTINE

  What should I see then?

  SPEED

  Your own present folly and her passing deformity; for he, being in love, could not see to garter his hose, and you,

  70

  being in love, cannot see to put on your hose.

  VALENTINE

  Belike, boy, then you are in love, for last morning you could not see to wipe my shoes.

  SPEED

  True, sir. I was in love with my bed. I thank you, you swinged me for my love, which makes me the bolder to

  75

  chide you for yours.

  VALENTINE

  In conclusion, I stand affected to her.

  SPEED

  I would you were set; so your affection would cease.

  VALENTINE

  Last night she enjoined me to write some lines to one she loves.

  SPEED

  80

  And have you?

  VALENTINE

  I have.

  SPEED

  Are they not lamely writ?

  VALENTINE

  No, boy, but as well as I can do them. Peace, here she comes.

  Enter SYLVIA.

  SPEED

  85

  (Aside) O, excellent motion! O, exceeding puppet! Now will he interpret to her.

  VALENTINE

  Madam and mistress, a thousand good-morrows.

  SPEED

  (Aside) O! give ye good even! Here’s a million of manners.

  SYLVIA

  Sir Valentine and servant, to you two thousand.

  SPEED

  90

  (Aside) He should give her interest, and she gives it him.

  VALENTINE

  As you enjoined me, I have writ your letter

  Unto the secret, nameless friend of yours,

  Which I was much unwilling to proceed in

  But for my duty to your ladyship.

  (He gives SYLVIA a letter.)

  SYLVIA

  95

  I thank you, gentle servant. ’Tis very clerkly done.

  VALENTINE

  Now trust me, madam, it came hardly off;

  For, being ignorant to whom it goes,

  I writ at random, very doubtfully.

  SYLVIA

  Perchance you think too much of so much pains?

  VALENTINE

  100

  No, madam. So it stead you, I will write—

  Please you command—a thousand times as much.

  And yet—

  SYLVIA

  A pretty period! Well, I guess the sequel;

  And yet I will not name it—and yet I care not—

  105

  And yet take this again—and yet I thank you,

  Meaning henceforth to trouble you no more.

  (She offers him the letter.)

  SPEED

  (Aside) And yet you will, and yet another “yet.”

  VALENTINE

  What means your ladyship? Do you not like it?

  SYLVIA

  Yes, yes. The lines are very quaintly writ,

  110

  But, since unwillingly, take them again.

  Nay, take them.

  (She gives back the letter.)

  VALENTINE

  Madam, they are for you.

  SYLVIA

  Ay, ay. You writ them, sir, at my request,

  But I will none of them. They are for you.

  115

  I would have had them writ more movingly.

  VALENTINE

  Please you, I’ll write your ladyship another.

  SYLVIA

  And when it’s writ, for my sake read it over.

  And if it please you, so; if not, why, so.

  VALENTINE

  If it please me, madam, what then?

  SYLVIA

  120

  Why, if it please you, take it for your labor.

  And so good morrow, servant.

  Exit SYLVIA

  SPEED

  (Aside) O jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible

  As a nose on a man’s face or a weathercock on a steeple!

  My master sues to her, and she hath taught her suitor,

  125

  He being her pupil, to become her tutor.

  O excellent device! Was there ever heard a better,

  That my master, being scribe, to himself should write the letter?

  VALENTINE

  How now, sir? What, are you reasoning with yourself?

  SPEED

  130

  Nay, I was rhyming. ’Tis you that have the reason.

  VALENTINE

  To do what?

  SPEED

  To be a spokesman from Madam Sylvia.

  VALENTINE

  To whom?

  SPEED

  To yourself. Why, she woos you by a figure.

  VALENTINE

  135

  What figure?

  SPEED

  By a letter, I should say.

  VALENTINE

  Why, she hath not writ to me.

  SPEED

  What need she, when she hath made you write to yourself? Why, do you not perceive the jest?

  VALENTINE

  140

  No, believe me.

  SPEED

  No believing you, indeed, sir. But did you perceive her earnest?

  VALENTINE

  She gave me none, except an angry word.

  SPEED

  Why, she hath given you a letter.

  VALENTINE

  145

  That’s the letter I writ to her friend.

  SPEED

  And that letter hath she delivered, and there an end.

  VALENTINE

  I would it were no worse.

  SPEED

  I’ll warrant you, ’tis as well.

  For often have you writ to her, and she, in modesty,

  150

  Or else for want of idle time, could not again reply;

  Or fearing else some messenger that might her mind discover,

  Herself hath taught her love himself to write unto her lover.

  155

  All this I speak in print, for in print I found it. Why muse you, sir? ’Tis dinner time.

  VALENTINE

  I have dined.

  SPEED

  Ay, but hearken, sir: though the chameleon Love can feed on the air, I am one that am nourished by my victuals,

  160

  and would fain have meat. O, be not like your mistress; be moved, be moved!

  Exeunt

  ACT TWO

  SCENE 1

  Modern Text

  VALENTINE and SPEED enter.

  SPEED

  Sir, here is your glove.

  (He offers a glove.)

  VALENTINE

  That isn’t mine. I’m already wearing my gloves.

  SPEED

  Well, then, this may be your glove, because it’s all by itself.

  VALENTINE

  Ha! Let me see it. Yes, give it to me. It’s mine. Sweet accessory that Sylvia’s divine hand wears. Ah Sylvia, Sylvia!

  SPEED

  (Calling) Madame Sylvia! Madame Sylvia!

  VALENTINE

  What are you doing, pal1?

  SPEED

  She’s too far away to hear me, sir.

  VALENTINE

  But, sir, who asked you to call out for her?

  SPEED

  You did, sir, or else I misunderstood you.

  VALENTINE

  Well, you’re always too presumptuous.

  SPEED

  Even though last time I was scolded for being too slow.

  VALENTINE

  Enough, sir. Tell me, do you know Madame Sylvia?

  SPEED

  The Madame Sylvia you love, your worship?

  VALENTINE

  Why, how do you know that I am in love?

  SPEED

  Because of all the right signs, of course: First, like Sir Proteus, you have started to fold your arms like you’re unhappy about something. You go around singing love songs like a red-breasted robin. You walk alone like one who has the plague. You sigh like a schoolboy who has lost his textbook. You weep like a young girl who has just buried her grandmother. You don’t eat, like one who’s on a diet. You can’t sleep, like one who fears being robbed. You whine like a beggar on Hallowmas2. It used to be that when you laughed, you crowed like a rooster. When you walked, you walked like a lion. When you didn’t eat, it was because you’d just finished lunch. When you looked sad, it was because you were out of money. And now a mistress has changed you. When I look at you, I can hardly recognize you as my master.

  VALENTINE

  Can you see all these things in me?

  SPEED

  They are all outside of you, in your outward appearance.

  VALENTINE

  Outside of me? They cannot be outside of me.

  SPEED

  Outside of you? No, I’m sure, because if you weren’t so obvious no one would see them. But your appearance is so marked by these foolish traits that they must be inside you, and they shine through you as if you were water in a jar. Everyone that sees you is like a physician who knows why you’re sick.

  VALENTINE

  But tell me, do you know my lady Sylvia?

  SPEED

  The woman you stare at while she sits at the dinner table?

  VALENTINE

  Have you noticed me doing that? Yes, that’s the woman I mean.

  SPEED

  Well, sir, I don’t know her at all.

  VALENTINE

  Do you know her only by my staring at her and not otherwise?

  SPEED

  Isn’t she ugly, sir?

  VALENTINE

  She’s not as beautiful, boy, as she is gracious.

  SPEED

  Sir, I know that very well.

  VALENTINE

  What do you know?

  SPEED

  That she isn’t as pretty as she is looked on favorably by you.

  VALENTINE

  I mean that her beauty is exquisite but her graciousness is infinite.

  SPEED

  That’s because the first one is done with makeup and the other can’t be counted.

  VALENTINE

  What do you mean, done with makeup? And why can’t you count the other?

  SPEED

  I mean, sir, she’s so painted with makeup to look beautiful that no man values her beauty.

  VALENTINE

  So what do you think of me, then? I think she’s very beautiful.

  SPEED

  You haven’t seen her since she was deformed.

  VALENTINE

  How long has she been deformed?

  SPEED

  Ever since you fell in love with her.

  VALENTINE

  I have loved her ever since I first saw her, and I still think she’s beautiful.

  SPEED

  If you love her then you cannot see her.

  VALENTINE

  Why not?

  SPEED

  Because Love is blind. Oh, if you had my eyes, or if you could see as clearly as you did when you scolded Sir Proteus for not wearing a garter3!

  VALENTINE

  What would I see then?

  SPEED

  Your own current foolishness and her enormous deformity. Proteus, because he was in love, forgot to put on a garter to keep his stockings up, and you, also being in love, can’t see well enough to even put on your stockings.

  VALENTINE

  Then maybe, boy, you’re in love, because this morning you couldn’t see well enough to polish my shoes.

  SPEED

  True, sir. I was in love with my bed. I thank you—you hit me because I was so in love, which has made me bold enough to scold you for your love.

  VALENTINE

  In conclusion, I’m in love with her.

  SPEED

  I wish you weren’t standing erect. Maybe then your love would go away.

  VALENTINE

  Last night she asked me to write some lines of poetry to the one she loves.

  SPEED

  And did you?

  VALENTINE

  I did.

  SPEED

  They’re badly written, aren’t they?

  VALENTINE

  No, boy, I wrote them as well as I could. Be quiet now—here she comes.

  SYLVIA enters.

  SPEED

  (Aside) Oh, what a puppet show! Such a wonderful puppet she makes. Now he’ll give his commentary on the show.

  VALENTINE

  Madame and mistress, I wish you a thousand good mornings.

  SPEED

  (Aside) And God give you a good evening! What manners!

  SYLVIA

  Sir Valentine and servant, to you I wish two thousand good mornings.

  SPEED

  (Aside) He should outdo her in compliments, but she outdoes him.

  VALENTINE

  As you asked, I have written your letter to that secret, anonymous friend of yours. Though I didn’t want to do it, I wrote it out of duty to your ladyship.

  (He gives SYLVIA a letter.)

  SYLVIA

  I thank you, gentle servant. It’s very smartly written.

  VALENTINE

  Now trust me, madame, it wasn’t easy to write this, because I had to be somewhat vague since I didn’t know to whom it would go.

  SYLVIA

  Perhaps you think it was too much trouble?

  VALENTINE

  No, madame. If it helps you, I will write a thousand times as many lines if you like. And yet . . .

  SYLVIA

  A fine pause! I can guess what you’re going to say next. And yet I will not say it. And yet I don’t care. And yet you can take this back. And yet thanks anyway, meaning I won’t bother you again.

  (She offers him the letter.)

  SPEED

  (Aside) And yet you will, and yet say another “yet.”

  VALENTINE

  What do you mean, your ladyship? Don’t you like it?

  SYLVIA

  Yes, yes. The lines are very nicely written, but since you wrote them so unwillingly, take them back. No, take them.

  (She gives back the letter.)

  VALENTINE

  Madame, they are for you.

  SYLVIA

  Yes, yes. You wrote them, sir, at my request, but I don’t want them. They are for you. I wish they had been more movingly written.

  VALENTINE

  If it pleases you, I’ll write another for your ladyship.

  SYLVIA

  And when it’s written, read it over for my sake. And if it pleases you, fine. And if it doesn’t, well, that’s also fine.

  VALENTINE

  If it pleases me, madame, what then?

  SYLVIA

  Why, if it pleases you, then take it as payment for your hard work. And so good morning and goodbye to you, servant.