JULIA

  Well, you’re a fine go-between! Do you dare receive love letters, and to whisper and conspire against me because of my lack of experience? Trust me, it’s an important job, and you’re just the kind of person for it. There, take the letter. See that it’s returned, or else don’t let me see you again.

  (Giving the letter back)

  LUCETTA

  A request for your love deserves more in return than your hatred.

  JULIA

  Will you get going?

  LUCETTA

  Just think about it.

  LUCETTA exits.

  JULIA

  Then again, I wish I had read the letter. It would be embarrassing to call her back again and do the very thing I chided her for. How foolish she is, since she knows I’m a single girl but still wouldn’t make me read it! Out of modesty girls say “no” when they wish the giver would construe it as “yes.” How difficult this foolish thing called love is, like a cranky baby that will scratch its nurse and then immediately after show affection. How rudely I scolded Lucetta, when really I wanted her here. I’ve taught myself to appear angry even when my heart smiles with joy! My punishment is to call Lucetta back and ask forgiveness for my mistake. Hey, Lucetta!

  LUCETTA enters.

  LUCETTA

  What would you like, my lady?

  JULIA

  Is it almost dinnertime?

  LUCETTA

  I wish it were, so that you could chew on your food instead of your servant.

  (She drops the letter and stoops to pick it up.)

  JULIA

  What is that that you picked up so carefully?

  LUCETTA

  Nothing.

  JULIA

  Why did you bend over, then?

  LUCETTA

  To pick up the paper that I dropped.

  JULIA

  And that paper is nothing?

  LUCETTA

  Nothing that concerns me.

  JULIA

  Then let it lie on the ground for the people it does concern.

  LUCETTA

  Madame, it will not lie about what it concerns unless a liar reads it.

  JULIA

  Some lover of yours has written a poem to you.

  LUCETTA

  I’ll sing it, madame, to a tune. Give me the note to sing it in. Your ladyship can choose it.

  JULIA

  I place as little value as possible in such trifles. You should sing it to the tune of “Light o’ Love.”

  LUCETTA

  The poem is too heavy for so light a tune.

  JULIA

  Too heavy! I guess the note is serious, then?

  LUCETTA

  Yes, and it would be melodious, too, if you’d sing it.

  JULIA

  And why won’t you sing it?

  LUCETTA

  I cannot reach such high notes.

  JULIA

  Let’s see your poem. What is it, you hussy?

  (She takes the letter.)

  LUCETTA

  Keep your mood in check and get over your anger. I don’t like this new tune you’re singing.

  JULIA

  You don’t?

  LUCETTA

  No, madame, it’s too sharp.

  JULIA

  You, hussy, are too sassy.

  LUCETTA

  No, now you’re too flat. You’re ruining the harmony with a melody that’s too harsh. Your song only needs a tenor7.

  JULIA

  The tenor is ruined with your unruly bass.

  LUCETTA

  Indeed, I sing for Proteus.

  JULIA

  This letter won’t trouble me from now on. Here’s a fuss over a love letter!

  (She tears the letter and drops the pieces.)

  Go, get out of here, and leave the papers where they are. I know you’d try to pick them up just to anger me.

  LUCETTA

  She pretends not to care, but she would be happy to be so angered by another love letter.

  LUCETTA exits.

  JULIA

  No, I wish I were so angry with this one!

  (She picks up some fragments.)

  Stupid hands, to tear up such lovely words! Destructive fingers, to feed on such sweet words and then rip up the letter they came from! I’ll apologize by kissing each piece of paper. Here, this one says “kind Julia.” It should say “unkind Julia!” Out of revenge for my own ingratitude I’ll throw the paper on the floor and hatefully trample my name in disdain.

  (She throws down a fragment.)

  And here’s one that says “love-wounded Proteus.” Poor wounded name! My breast will serve as your bed until your wounds are completely healed. I cleanse them with a healing kiss. But “Proteus” was written down two or three times. Be still, good wind, and don’t blow these pieces of paper away until I’ve found each word in the letter, except for the piece with my own name on it—may some whirlwind take that piece, hurl it onto a frightening cliff, and from there throw it into the raging sea! Look, his name is written twice in this line: “Poor forlorn Proteus, passionate Proteus, to the sweet Julia.” I’ll tear that last part off. Then again, maybe I won’t, since he tied it so prettily to his own sorrowful names. I’ll fold them up, one on top of another. Now the names may kiss, hug, battle, or do what they will.

  (She puts some folded papers in her shirt.)

  LUCETTA enters.

  LUCETTA

  Madame, dinner is ready, and your father waits for you.

  JULIA

  Well, let’s go then.

  LUCETTA

  What, should these papers just lie on the ground revealing everything?

  JULIA

  If you respect them, then it would be best to pick them up.

  LUCETTA

  No, you yelled at me for dropping them in the first place. But we shouldn’t leave them here or they’ll catch a cold.

  (She gathers up the remaining fragments.)

  JULIA

  I see you have a strong desire for them.

  LUCETTA

  Yes, madame, you can interpret my behavior as you like. But I see things, too, even though you think my eyes are closed.

  JULIA

  Come on, come on. Will you please hurry up?

  They exit.

  ACT 1, SCENE 3

  Original Text

  Enter ANTONIO and PANTHINO

  ANTONIO

  Tell me, Panthino, what sad talk was that

  Wherewith my brother held you in the cloister?

  PANTHINO

  ’Twas of his nephew Proteus, your son.

  ANTONIO

  Why, what of him?

  PANTHINO

  5

  He wondered that your lordship

  Would suffer him to spend his youth at home,

  While other men, of slender reputation,

  Put forth their sons to seek preferment out,

  Some to the wars, to try their fortune there,

  10

  Some to discover islands far away,

  Some to the studious universities.

  For any or for all these exercises

  He said that Proteus your son was meet,

  And did request me to importune you

  15

  To let him spend his time no more at home,

  Which would be great impeachment to his age

  In having known no travel in his youth.

  ANTONIO

  Nor need’st thou much importune me to that

  Whereon this month I have been hammering.

  20

  I have considered well his loss of time,

  And how he cannot be a perfect man,

  Not being tried and tutored in the world.

  Experience is by industry achieved

  And perfected by the swift course of time.

  25

  Then tell me, whither were I best to send him?

  PANTHINO

  I think your lordship is not ignorant

  How his companion, youthful Valentine,

  Attends the Emperor in his royal court.

  ANTONIO

  I know it well.

  PANTHINO

  30

  ’Twere good, I think, your lordship sent him thither.

  There shall he practice tilts and tournaments,

  Hear sweet discourse, converse with noblemen,

  And be in eye of every exercise

  Worthy his youth and nobleness of birth.

  ANTONIO

  35

  I like thy counsel; well hast thou advised;

  And that thou mayst perceive how well I like it,

  The execution of it shall make known.

  Even with the speediest expedition

  I will dispatch him to the Emperor’s court.

  PANTHINO

  40

  Tomorrow, may it please you, Don Alphonso

  With other gentlemen of good esteem

  Are journeying to salute the Emperor

  And to commend their service to his will.

  ANTONIO

  Good company. With them shall Proteus go–

  Enter PROTEUS, reading a letter.

  45

  And in good time! Now will we break with him.

  PROTEUS

  (To himself) Sweet love, sweet lines, sweet life!

  Here is her hand, the agent of her heart;

  Here is her oath for love, her honor’s pawn.

  O that our fathers would applaud our loves,

  50

  To seal our happiness with their consents!

  O heavenly Julia!

  ANTONIO

  How now? What letter are you reading there?

  PROTEUS

  May’t please your lordship, ’tis a word or two

  Of commendations sent from Valentine,

  55

  Delivered by a friend that came from him.

  ANTONIO

  Lend me the letter. Let me see what news.

  PROTEUS

  There is no news, my lord, but that he writes

  How happily he lives, how well beloved

  And daily gracèd by the Emperor;

  60

  Wishing me with him, partner of his fortune.

  ANTONIO

  And how stand you affected to his wish?

  PROTEUS

  As one relying on your lordship’s will,

  And not depending on his friendly wish.

  ANTONIO

  My will is something sorted with his wish.

  65

  Muse not that I thus suddenly proceed,

  For what I will, I will, and there an end.

  I am resolved that thou shalt spend some time

  With Valentinus in the Emperor’s court.

  What maintenance he from his friends receives,

  70

  Like exhibition thou shalt have from me.

  Tomorrow be in readiness to go.

  Excuse it not, for I am peremptory.

  PROTEUS

  My lord, I cannot be so soon provided.

  Please you, deliberate a day or two.

  ANTONIO

  75

  Look what thou want’st shall be sent after thee.

  No more of stay. Tomorrow thou must go.

  Come on, Panthino; you shall be employed

  To hasten on his expedition.

  Exeunt ANTONIO and PANTHINO

  PROTEUS

  Thus have I shunned the fire for fear of burning,

  80

  And drenched me in the sea, where I am drowned.

  I feared to show my father Julia’s letter

  Lest he should take exceptions to my love,

  And with the vantage of mine own excuse

  Hath he excepted most against my love.

  85

  O! how this spring of love resembleth

  The uncertain glory of an April day,

  Which now shows all the beauty of the sun,

  And by and by a cloud takes all away!

  Enter PANTHINO.

  PANTHINO

  Sir Proteus, your father calls for you.

  90

  He is in haste; therefore, I pray you, go.

  PROTEUS

  Why, this it is: my heart accords thereto,

  And yet a thousand times it answers no.

  Exeunt

  ACT 1, SCENE 3

  Modern Text

  ANTONIO and PANTHINO enter.

  ANTONIO

  Tell me, Panthino, what were you and my brother talking so seriously about in the walkway back there?

  PANTHINO

  We were talking about his nephew, your son, Proteus.

  ANTONIO

  Why? What about him?

  PANTHINO

  He wondered why your lordship would let him spend his youth here at home. Other men with lesser reputations send their sons to seek opportunities abroad, or to find their fortunes fighting in the wars, or to discover faraway islands, or to study in the universities. He said that Proteus was capable of doing any or all of these things, and he asked me to urge you not to let him spend any more time at home. It would be a shame for him in old age not to have traveled in his youth.

  ANTONIO

  You don’t need to urge me on this matter. I’ve thought about it a lot this month. I’ve considered how much time he’s wasting, and how he cannot be a complete man without having some real-world trials and tests. Experience comes from hard work and is perfected over the course of time. Tell me, though, where would it be best to send him?

  PANTHINO

  I think your lordship knows that his friend, the young Valentine, has gone off to visit the emperor in his royal court in Milan.

  ANTONIO

  I’m fully aware.

  PANTHINO

  It would be good, I think, if your lordship sent him there. There he can take part in jousts and tournaments, listen to learned discussions, speak with noblemen, and witness everything befitting his youth and nobleness of birth.

  ANTONIO

  I like what you say. You’ve advised me well. And so you may see how much I like it, I’ll announce it publicly. I’ll send him off to the emperor’s court immediately.

  PANTHINO

  May it please you, Don Alphonso and some other noblemen are setting off tomorrow to visit the emperor and to offer their services to help him in whatever he needs.

  ANTONIO

  Sounds like a good group. Proteus will go with them.

  PROTEUS enters, reading a letter.

  Just in time! I’ll talk to him now.

  PROTEUS

  (To himself) Sweet love, sweet poetry, sweet life! Here is a letter in her handwriting, which does the bidding of her heart. Here is her pledge of love, which vows she will be faithful. Oh, I wish our fathers would approve of our love and consent to let us marry, sealing our happiness forever. Oh, heavenly Julia!

  ANTONIO

  What’s that you say? What’s that letter you’re reading there?

  PROTEUS

  Your lordship, it’s just a short note of greeting from Valentine, delivered to me by a friend of his.

  ANTONIO

  Give me the letter. Let me see what news it brings.

  PROTEUS

  There is no news, my lord. He just writes how happy he is and that the emperor likes him and honors him each day. He wishes I were with him to share his good luck.

  ANTONIO

  And how do you feel about his wish?

  PROTEUS

  Like one who is used to following your orders and not able to honor Valentine’s wishes.

  ANTONIO

  My wish is similar to Valentine’s. Now don’t think that I decided this rashly, because I get what I want, and that’s final. I’ve decided that you should spend some time with Valentine in the emperor’s court. I’ll provide you with the same money for room and board that he receives from his family. Be ready to go tomorrow. Don’t try to get out of it now, because I’ve made up my mind.

  PROTEUS

  My lord, I can’t get ready that quickly. Please, think about this a day or two longer.

  ANTONIO

  Look, whatever you want will be sent to you after you leave. You’re not going to stay here any longer. You must go tomorrow. Come on, Panthino, you will help get everything ready so he can leave as soon as possible.

  ANTONIO and PANTHINO exit.

  PROTEUS

  I dove into the sea to avoid being burned by the fire, and now I’m drowning instead. I was afraid to show Julia’s letter to my father because I didn’t want him to disapprove of my love, but taking advantage of my lie he raised more obstacles against it. Oh, our new love is like the uncertain days of April, which will be sunny one moment, and suddenly a cloud takes the sunshine away!

  PANTHINO enters.

  PANTHINO

  Sir Proteus, your father calls for you. He’s in a hurry, so I beg you, go quickly.

  PROTEUS

  This is how it is: my heart agrees to it but wants to say no a thousand times.

  They exit.

  1 St. Valentine is the patron saint of lovers.

  2 In Greek mythology, Proteus was a sea god who could change shape. The name suggests that Shakespeare’s Proteus frequently changes his mind.

  3 Valentine implies that Proteus makes love, as opposed to the Bible, his religion.

  4 In classical mythology, Leander swam across the Hellespont each night to see his love, Hero. But he drowned in a storm during his crossing one night.

  5 A mutton is a full grown sheep. The term mutton used in Shakespeare’s original was slang for prostitute. The play on words with lost and laced was meant to be clever and humorous.

  6 Refers to the saying “He that is born to be hanged shall never be drowned.”

  7 In other words, Julia needs a man.

  ACT TWO

  SCENE 1

  Original Text

  Enter VALENTINE and SPEED

  SPEED

  Sir, your glove.

  (He offers a glove.)

  VALENTINE

  Not mine. My gloves are on.

  SPEED

  Why, then, this may be yours, for this is but one.

  VALENTINE

  Ha! let me see. Ay, give it me, it’s mine.

  5

  Sweet ornament that decks a thing divine!

  Ah, Sylvia, Sylvia!

  SPEED

  (Calling) Madam Sylvia! Madam Sylvia!