CHAPTER NINE

  At noon, Raven and Kipa were waiting for me near the front desk. I steeled myself, dreading the upcoming visit. And yet, with Kilnakarn on the hunt for me, I had to play with a full deck. I couldn’t afford to freeze if I saw him. I couldn’t afford to be paralyzed with fear, or spin out of control. Neither extreme was acceptable.

  “Are you ready?” Raven asked.

  I sighed. “I suppose.”

  We drove to the house Herne lived in when he was in town, which was on 119th Street, on the edge of Carkeek Park. The house was beautiful, and it looked like Herne had opened it up again. Behind the house, a gate opened onto a trail leading into the park. The trail inclined, leading up a moderate slope. We walked for less than ten minutes before we came to two oak trees. There was a blue vortex spinning between them, and as we stood there, a woman approached, wearing a long blue cloak with Herne’s insignia emblazoned on it. She was hooded, so we couldn’t see her face, and she eyed Kipa closely, then bent her knee to him.

  “How may I serve you, Lord of the Wolves?”

  “We need to journey to Herne’s castle in Annwn,” Kipa said. “We’ll be returning within a few hours.”

  “One moment,” she said. She rose and turned to the nearest of the oaks. She pressed her hand to the trunk and a series of lights appeared, looking very much like a holographic numeric pad, with a series of abstract symbols to one side. She began to swiftly press the illuminated keys, her fingers flying so fast that I wondered how much information she kept in her head. After a moment, she turned back to us. “The portal is ready. You may enter.”

  And just like that, Kipa gave her a solemn nod as Raven said “Thank you” and they headed into the portal, motioning for me to follow.

  I’d been through several portals in my life so I was aware of what to expect. As I entered the vortex, the icy blue lights shifted and popped, and I closed my eyes as everything began to whirl around me. My body dissolved, spread over a thousand miles of emptiness, and then atom by atom, I began to come together again, my body vibrating as I stumbled out of the portal on the other side. I quickly looked around, trying to get my bearings.

  We were standing in a courtyard, near an oak and a holly tree, staring up at a castle that soared into the sky. It had to be Caer Briar Shore. Herne and Ember’s castle. Overlooking a massive sea—Muir Leathan—the castle was at least four stories tall, and as broad as a mall. As we approached the pedestrian entrance, the Elves who seemed to make up most of the population that I could see dropped to one knee or curtseyed. Kipa flashed them a solemn smile, though he didn’t stop to speak, and waved as a group of guards quickly approached us and saluted.

  “Your Lordship, forgive us. We didn’t realize you were coming through the portal today,” one of them said, looking flustered. “Let me send ahead to have your quarters prepared.”

  “No worries. We’re here for a meeting and then we’ll be leaving again. But if you could bring us refreshments and let Lady Ember know we’re here. And if you’d notify Sejun that Lyrical is here?” Kipa motioned for me to follow Raven and him. “We’ll be in Lord Herne’s first-floor quarters.”

  I followed them through the castle to a private suite. The guards opened the door for us immediately and we entered. The inside of the suite was painted a pale blue, and the furniture was dark walnut.

  “This is pretty,” I said. “Is this where they live?”

  Raven shook her head. “No, they have private quarters on every level of the castle. This is…like a secondary parlor. Come in and have a seat. Sejun will come to you, since you’re one of us.” She motioned to one of the serving girls who was scurrying over. “Luncheon, please. Cold meats, bread, cheese, fruit, and pastries will do fine. Also, coffee.”

  The girl ducked into a deep curtsey. “Yes, Mistress Raven.” She was gone in the blink of an eye. It felt like old times, given I’d grown up very much in a place like this. Only the servants I’d known weren’t Elves, and the castle I’d lived in hadn’t been so fashionable.

  I dropped into one of the chairs at the long walnut table, breathing slowly. “Everything’s so surreal. I’m not sure what to think anymore. Most of my life was spent in a castle as a princess, and then in a fortress as a slave, and then—for the past few months in a house in the middle of a busy city, and now, I’m back in a castle. But nothing’s the same. Everything changes, I guess.”

  “Everything changes,” Raven said.

  “If it stayed the same, you’d wither. Nothing can ever remain stationary without stagnating,” Kipa said. “As a god, I see things change constantly. Through thousands of years, I’ve watched as the world shifts and turns and moves. And yet, within that change, there are constants. The drive of men for power—men and gods, the will to harm, the will to love—all those factor in on a daily basis as the eons shift and move. After a while, the years themselves become meaningless, but small things continue to matter. A butterfly landing on your nose, the taste of a warm soup on a cold evening, your lover’s hand in yours. All that takes on an importance larger than war, larger than life itself.”

  As he spoke, Kipa stoked the fire, waving away one of the serving boys. “Go rest. I’ll build up the fire, son.”

  The boy gave him a grateful smile and scurried off.

  “That was nice,” I said.

  “That was easier than waiting for him to do it, and—” Kipa paused as two servants entered the room, carrying trays of food. They spread it out on the table, along with plates and silverware and goblets, and once again vanished quietly as he thanked them and shooed them out. “Well, feast away. There’s enough here for an army.”

  Grateful, I cut open a baguette and spread butter on it. I added sliced tomatoes, lettuce, and then piled it high with roast beef and cheddar. Slapping the top on it, I cut the sub in half and took a large bite, closing my eyes as the flavors burst into my mouth.

  Raven and Kipa both made sandwiches, and we sat around the table, eating. I finished my sandwich, then began to eat the berries and a danish. Raven and Kipa both decided to go for seconds, and I watched as they built their new sandwiches.

  “I don’t know why I don’t make a second one,” I said, almost to myself. “I’m always ready for more.”

  Raven snickered. “I’ll say. You always seem hungry.”

  Sticking my tongue out at her, I chose another pastry with a cream cheese frosting and added some more berry compote to my plate. “What time is it?”

  “It’s one-thirty. You have about an hour and a half. Would you like to take a nap, or maybe go for a walk?” Raven asked.

  “I’d get lost if I went out on my own. I think maybe I want to sit quietly and meditate.”

  I finished my meal and Raven asked one of the serving girls show me to a small, private room that seemed perfectly suited to meditation. There was a green cushion in the center, on a raised dais, and there appeared to be the frame of a pyramid over the cushion. The girl bade me to take a seat, so I carefully crawled inside the structure and sat down on the cushion.

  From this vantage point, I could see lines of crystals affixed to the frame, and as I closed my eyes, the energy magnified in the already super-charged room. I folded my legs into the lotus pose, and rested my hands on my knees, my palms facing up. The servant closed the door behind her, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

  At first, all I could hear was the beating of my own heart, but then a soft whistling noise began to echo around me. It sounded like trickling water, which then became a roar, and the water began to call to my blood, beckoning me to join it. It was like music to my ears.

  Though I had grown up in a castle, the spirit of water was in my blood and when I heard it, it sang to me—a song of freedom. Even among my own people, among my own birth family, I didn’t feel like I belonged as much as I did when I was wandering beside the ocean. I dropped my head back and let the energy rush over me, soothing my heart.

  The next thing I knew, there was a tap on the door that brought me back, and when I called out “Come in,” Raven opened it and escorted a man inside. He was tall, like most Elves, with long black hair pulled back into a ponytail. His eyes were pale hazel, and he was lithe and trim.

  “Lyrical, meet Sejun. Sejun—this is Lyrical. I’ll leave you to talk.” Before either of us could say anything, she withdrew, closing the door behind her. I unfolded my legs and slid out from the pyramid.

  “Hello,” I said, holding out my hand. I felt incredibly awkward, but at least we were on neutral territory. This was neither his office nor my home.

  “I’m pleased to meet you. Why don’t we sit down?” He motioned to a pair of leather chairs in the opposite corner of the room.

  I followed him and took the chair where I could see the door. I hated being in rooms where my back was to the door. I wasn’t sure what to say next, so I waited.

  He seemed to be in no hurry, but before the silence grew uncomfortable, he said, “Raven’s told me a little about why you wanted to see me. You were kidnapped and held captive, correct?” The tone in his voice told me Raven had told him more than just that, but he was letting me take my time around it.

  I fastened my gaze on the wall behind him. “Yeah, and now he’s in town—over in Seattle—looking for me. He killed someone I know as a calling card.” My stomach flipped again as I thought of Rake. “Kilnakarn is a Kelpie king, one of the most cruel, vicious monsters you’ll ever meet. I’m terrified that he might catch me again, and I have to be able to react—I can’t freeze or panic if I end up having to face him again.”

  Sejun crossed his hands over his middle. “Why don’t you start at the beginning. Take your time, and if you need a break, say so—or if you can’t speak, raise your hand.” His words were gentle, weaving a soft shroud of protection around me.

  “I went out for a walk one day. My betrothed and I were on a picnic, and we got into an argument. He was angry that I wanted to wait on our marriage. So I told him to stay with the food while I went for a walk to the Shannon Estuary. The estuary was always a place of comfort for me, comfort and solitude, where I could get away to think.” The memory picked up and I found myself holding my breath.

  “Did you want to marry him?” Sejun asked.

  I thought about it for a moment. “I don’t know. I thought I did. I would have—it was expected that I marry and produce heirs. I had to have daughters. The marriage was arranged but my family would have found a way to change it if I didn’t like him. So…yeah, I was willing to marry him and provide for him and the children.”

  When I thought about what my life would have been, it seemed so long ago. Everything I had grown up with existed down at the end of a very long, very dark tunnel. And I had ventured outside and could never return. It would have been like trying to climb inside a movie that was over and done with.

  “Go on,” he said.

  I ducked my head. “I was walking along the shore, on the edge of the mudflats, when I saw a boat… No, not at first. I was letting the wind clear through my frustration and it was whipping by. But there was an energy among the elementals—something was clearly amiss. That’s when I saw the boat. I had no clue where it came from, or who was on it. But when it came close enough for me to see its flag, I knew I needed to get out of there. It was a green horse on a whitish background and I knew in my heart it was a Kelpie boat.”

  Sejun said nothing, simply listened. I found myself opening up to him. He was a safe haven, a pillar of strength, and in the turmoil, I wanted to get it all off my chest, to finally vomit out the words and clear them out of my system.

  “I tried to run. I tried to get away before they saw me. But they must have been watching for a while, because the next thing I knew, a mud golem rose up to block my way. It kept me from the shore. I heard someone behind me and looked back. There was a man as tall as he was handsome, but his smile was so cold, so aloof, and I knew that I couldn’t let him touch me. I ran and ran until I was ragged, but he chased me. I tried to put the golem between us, but he controlled it, and it herded me toward him. I tried to maneuver out of range, but every time I came near to escaping, something else sprang up to stop me. And then—I don’t remember exactly how—he had hold of me.”

  “How’s your anxiety telling me this?” Sejun let me rest for a few seconds. “On a scale where zero is fine, and ten is panic mode.”

  I was trying to control my breathing, but truth was, I was on my way to being fully immersed in the memories, and that small part of me who managed to reason and function my way through the day was screaming. “Not good. Eight going on nine. I’m having trouble breathing, and my anxiety is sky high.”

  He leaned forward. “May I touch your wrist?”

  I held out my arm. “All right.”

  As he gently wrapped his hand around my wrist, an instantaneous rush of calming energy spread through me. It was as though I’d taken a toke of good weed. My chest loosened.

  “What was that?”

  “It’s a technique I learned that helps you detach from the energy,” he said. “Can you continue?”

  I paused, checking myself. “Yeah, I can. I think.” I took another deep breath. I expected tears, but though they still seemed to be there, they weren’t as thick or as overwhelming.

  “Kilnakarn and his men dragged me back to the boat. He cast a glamour on me so that I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t scream, couldn’t cry out. They carried me aboard their boat and made sail again while the fog cloaked their passage. That was the last free day I saw for over two years.”

  “What do you remember? What physical movement triggers you from the experience?”

  I forced myself to return to the scene. “The boat rocking. I was in a bunk, in a cabin, unable to move, cry, or speak. But I remember the boat creaking and rocking on the current, and I remember the smell of the blankets beneath me. They were musty, clouded with smoke. And I remember the smell of Kilnakarn, though I didn’t know it was him yet.”

  “How long did the trip last?” Sejun asked.

  “I don’t know…days, maybe? I truly don’t remember much. I think he drugged me, or cast some sort of spell on me so that he wouldn’t have any trouble out of me. I don’t know how long it was, but I spent a lot of that time trying to will myself to pass out so I wouldn’t think about what waited for me. I thought that I’d be held for ransom. I expected him to extort my family. I didn’t realize at that point that his wealth was far beyond ours. He didn’t need our money.”

  Sejun waited, then said, “Something in your voice tells me that there’s more to that topic than you’ve mentioned.”

  I stared at my hands. Finally, I whispered, “I think I was oddly grateful that he didn’t demand a ransom because there’s part of me that knows my family wouldn’t have paid it. My people hate the Dark Fae so much that they would have written me off as a lost cause even before they did. Even when she prevailed on Morgana, my mother didn’t know it was the Dark Fae who had captured me. So when I realized that I was Kilnakarn’s toy, I was oddly comforted. I didn’t have to face my family turning their backs on me. And I didn’t. At least, not until Morgana saved me, and they proved my hunch right.”

  “How did that make you feel?”

  Still under the effect of his calming touch, I gave him a half-hearted shrug. “What can I say? Once Morgana told them where I’d been, they did turn their backs on me. If they had known Kilnakarn had hold of me, they would have left me to rot in his clutches. When my mother begged Morgana to save me, she wanted me back until she found out what happened. Then she was done with me because I was tainted. The only person in that fucking family who gives a damn about me is my sister, Teralyn. And she’s been designated as the one who’s allowed to talk to me. Do I sound bitter?”

  Sejun chuckled. “Bitter? Yes. But you have reason. I think that’s enough to start with. We have a lot to unpack, and we can’t do it too quickly. Here’s how this will work.” He held out a vial of pills. “You take these at night. They won’t dope you up, but they’ll let you rest easy. They’ll prevent nightmares from feeling too real.”

  I took them, staring at the bottle. “Are they safe?”

  “As safe as life itself, which means yes, as long as you’re not allergic to anything in them, they shouldn’t affect you badly. But over the coming weeks, you’re going to have flashbacks, and your instinct may to be to retreat into sleep, because it will be a safe place. I need you to resist that urge. I want you to keep a journal, and write down everything you remember. Find a safe space to scream. Work out, hard. Since you’re Leannan Sidhe, find a partner you can be rough with—sex for your kind is healing. Find someone safe to feed on. I want to see you twice a week for the first month, and then we’ll move to once a week.”

  “Twice a week?” That seemed a lot. “Raven said that you saw her once a week, I think.”

  “I saw her twice a week for a while, then once a week, and finally once a month. But be aware, since you were held captive for two years, we’re going to have a lot to process. However, for the current time, I can help to prevent panic attacks in case you see him or find yourself in a trigger situation. Did Raven explain how I work?”

  I shook my head. “She kind of did but I’d rather hear it directly from you.”

  “I draw the energetic component of the trauma off of you. It transfers through my body and is released to be cleansed by the universe. It will leave you with memories, but not the gut-wrenching reactions. I cannot—and will not—destroy your memories. I believe we need them, even the bad ones, to be complete.”

  “But without the traumatic energy, they’re more like pictures in a book, right?” I began to understand how the healer worked. He seemed trustworthy and—in the core of my gut—I felt that I could trust him.