Gunner was bound to notice that eventually.

  “Hey” was the best response I could come up with. It sounded weak and wasn’t a fair one.

  He didn’t hit me with the pressure to tell him why I ran. Instead he came inside and sat down on a metal stool across from me, then began to look around the house much the same way that I had. I wondered how long it had been since he’d been here. Were his memories bittersweet like mine?

  “God, it still looks the same,” he muttered. “Even smells the same.”

  I nodded. “Except for the lack of sweaty little boys and dirty socks, yes, it does.”

  Gunner grinned and cut his eyes toward me. “You saying your socks didn’t stink?”

  “That’s exactly what I’m saying,” I replied with a smirk.

  He chuckled, then turned his attention to the book in my lap. “You been here to read before, or is this your first time back?”

  Again he wasn’t demanding an explanation, and that made me feel guilty, because he deserved one. I was sure he had been worried when I had disappeared. He wasn’t heartless, and he was my friend. I felt safe telling him the truth. It was a part of who we were. When I needed to talk to someone, Gunner had always been there to listen.

  “This is my first time,” I answered, wanting to say more.

  “It’s been about five years for me. Last time I was up here, I brought . . . a girl, and we made out. It was my first time touching tits.”

  I made a face, and he laughed at me. “What? I’m a guy.”

  I was well aware he was a guy. “Poor tree house didn’t know what was happening. It went from a place to entertain children to a brothel overnight.” I was teasing, of course.

  Gunner burst into laughter, and I enjoyed the sound. It fit up here. We’d laughed a lot in this house. It was our place to be free of adults.

  “It’s been maintained well. I expected rotten steps and weeds.”

  Gunner shrugged. “It’s part of the property. They can’t let anything look bad on the estate. Plus, this was Rhett’s sixth birthday present. Gotta protect that.”

  The bitterness at the mention of his older brother surprised me. All I had known was a boy who had adored his older brother. What had happened to change that? “Do you and Rhett not get along now?” I asked gently, not wanting to pry too much.

  He shrugged. “Nah, we get along fine. He only makes it home about once a year for the holidays, but we talk on the phone some.”

  That didn’t explain his bitter tone when he’d spoken about his brother. “Oh,” I said by way of response because I didn’t want to push. It wasn’t my business.

  “He’s the favorite, is all. You know that. Didn’t change. Never will.”

  That much I knew. Rhett was definitely the most loved child. His parents were very proud of him, even when we had all been younger. There was nothing that Rhett could do that was frowned upon. They saved all that for Gunner. Not that it was fair at all, but that was how things in this house worked. More times than not, Nonna would leave with a plate of cookies to sneak into Gunner’s bedroom because he had gotten in trouble again with his parents over something Nonna didn’t agree with.

  Even knowing all that, I also knew that something else was there. Under the surface. Something he was hiding and letting simmer and burn beneath his skin. That wasn’t going to end well. One day he’d explode and end up with too many regrets to count. I decided to push just a little. The best way to do that was to be slightly vulnerable and see if he opened up. Not because I was nosy, but because I was concerned for the boy who had once been there for me when I needed him most.

  “When I left here, I thought I’d be alone forever. No friends again. I was terrified of school in a new place. But then I found Poppy, or she found me. She never left my side. She was a lot like you.”

  Gunner had gone still, as he seemed truly interested in what I was telling him. Saying Poppy’s name wasn’t easy. He’d never know how much verbalizing that piece of my past had cost me. My chest was aching, and the thick heaviness of grief began to seep through me. I rarely let myself think of her. Much less say her name aloud. But I wanted others to know her.

  She deserved to be remembered. To be shared. Even though her life had been short and the plans we’d made to go off to college together and marry best friends so we could live next door to each other would never happen, her memory was precious. I wanted to say her name even if it pained me to do so.

  “You miss her?”

  “More than any words could describe.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “So they made you leave. You didn’t want to come back. You had friends and a good life there?”

  Those were questions I wouldn’t answer. Instead I gave him all I was willing to give him. “Yes and no. My life there is gone now. I don’t want to go back. I don’t think I can.”

  “But . . .” He paused, frowning. “What about Poppy?”

  I was expecting that question. When I said her name, I’d come to terms with telling him the truth about her. Hearing him say her name hadn’t pained me. I was okay with it. She was a part of me now too. I wanted to share her with Gunner. I’d not wanted that before.

  “She’s dead.” Those were words I had refused to say for a very long time. They had gotten stuck in my throat, and the sobbing would begin when I even tried.

  “Oh God,” he whispered. “How?”

  This was the part I hated to say. The part that I wished to God I never had to tell. It was why I was destroyed. Why my soul would never be the same. That night had changed us forever. But it had been the following week when Poppy had died that made life unbearable. I’d understood why she’d done it. If I had been her, maybe I would have needed to do it too. Could she have survived if she hadn’t taken the easy way out? I’d never know. The agony she had to endure would break anyone. But it hadn’t just broken Poppy. It had ended her. She hadn’t been strong enough to handle the repercussions of our stupidity.

  Lifting my gaze from the worn cover of the book in my hands, I forced myself to look at Gunner as I said the words. They would spike through me as I said them. They always did. However, it was her story. One I wouldn’t forget or ignore.

  “She took her life.”

  I’m Not Really a Lawton

  CHAPTER 21

  GUNNER

  Holy shit. The words sounded calm as she spoke them, but the look in her eyes made it seem as if they had been torn from her chest. Pain so intense it darkened the color of her blue eyes, making them almost black, as if her pupils had dilated, taking on the darkness of what she was saying.

  “I’m sorry,” I said sincerely. I would have never asked if I’d known the answer. I didn’t understand how life could be so bad that anyone would want to end theirs. Things sucked but they passed and eventually they got better. You just had to hang in there and make it through. But I wasn’t going to verbalize my belief to Willa. I had never known anyone who had taken their life. I didn’t know what that felt like.

  Obviously, from the expression on her face and depth of sorrow evident in her eyes, it wasn’t something I ever wanted to know. I sure as hell wasn’t asking any more questions about it. I wondered if I was the first person she’d told this to.

  Was this why she had left Arkansas? To escape this reality. If one of my friends offed themselves, I’d probably need to leave too. But I wasn’t sure where I’d go. Willa had a past to return to. All I’d known was Lawton.

  The fact she’d shared this with me was big for her. I could hear it in her voice. She trusted me. Just like when we were kids. She knew I’d keep her secrets safe. Having her back made me feel less alone. Brady wasn’t the same. Willa had always been the one I trusted above everyone.

  “She didn’t feel like she had another choice. I understand, even if I grieve for the loss of my friend every day.”

  The finality of what she had said was clear. She had told me all she was going to tell me, and I wondered why she had even given me that much if it hurt her so badly to talk about it.

  We sat in silence for several minutes. Both lost in our own thoughts, and in a way it seemed this was a moment of respect for a life cut off too short. For whatever reasons.

  “That’s what haunts my eyes,” Willa said finally. “What haunts yours?”

  What haunted mine? What did she mean by that? No one ever asked me about my secrets. I didn’t appear to be shouldering any. At least it hadn’t been mentioned before.

  “I don’t know what you mean,” I replied, even though the words didn’t sound truthful as I said them.

  She studied me a moment; the solemn expression on her face made me feel like squirming in my seat. As if she could read my thoughts and words weren’t even needed.

  “If that’s what you want,” she said simply.

  Aggravated by the confusing turn of this conversation, I tried to remind myself not to snap at her. She’d just told me her best friend killed herself. Remaining calm, I replied, “What do you mean if that’s what I want?”

  “I know pain, and I recognize it when I see it in someone else’s gaze. Your eyes speak for you. If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand.”

  Well, fuck.

  I couldn’t continue looking at her, or I’d blurt out everything I never wanted anyone to know. Focusing on the view out the window just over her right shoulder was easier. I could get my head back together and think this through. Telling anyone this was making me vulnerable. Even telling Willa. But I wanted to. Needed to say it, and there was no one else on this earth I trusted to say it to. That had to mean something. Was this just friendship? Was it me wanting what we had as kids? Or did I feel more?

  My throat got tight just as the pressure began to ease from my chest.

  “My father isn’t my father. I’m not really a Lawton.” The words exploded out of me as if the need to release them had a mind of its own.

  Willa didn’t looked shocked or horrified when I shot my gaze back to meet hers. There was also no pity in them. I hadn’t wanted pity.

  “That makes sense. You’re not a coldhearted bastard.” The casual way she said that made a smile tug at the corners of my mouth. I’d just told this girl my darkest secret, and she was making me smile.

  “How did you find out?” she asked as if she had already known.

  “I overheard my parents fighting when I was twelve. Shortly after you left. My dad hasn’t been able to get an erection since Rhett was a baby. He had prostate cancer, and although surgery cleared him of it, his prostate was no more.”

  She let that sink in before responding. It gave me a moment to accept the fact my secret was out there. No longer guarded under Lawton lock and key. I’d shared it. I had just made my future vulnerable.

  And I couldn’t seem to give a fuck. I was relieved.

  “Do you know who your father is?” she asked me. The curiosity in her gaze was almost funny. She liked the idea that I wasn’t a Lawton. But then she’d never liked my dad.

  I shook my head. “No. They don’t know I know. I’ve never told anyone until now. Makes sense as to why they love Rhett more. He’s the true heir to this shit, and he isn’t a constant reminder that my mother had an affair and got caught.”

  Willa scrunched her nose. “You were the more likable son. I never understood their fascination with Rhett. Still don’t. Even if he is a Lawton. They’ve not done much to make that a name to be proud of.”

  I agreed with her. Willa had been brutally honest as a child, too. She said what she was thinking, and you never had to wonder otherwise. Although sometimes you wanted her to keep her thoughts to herself.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was leaving last night. I got in an argument with Brady about something stupid, and then I didn’t want to go back into that crowd of people alone. I should have waited and told you though.”

  With all the truth being shared in this tree house, I’d forgotten about why I’d come looking for her today. She hadn’t though. She knew why I was here.

  “What did he do?” I asked, aggravated at the idea he had fought with her. Asshole. Even more reason he shouldn’t have let her run off.

  She shrugged. “It’s silly really. We just disagreed about the way he treats Ivy. He told me to mind my own business, and he was right. I should have.”

  The way she didn’t meet my eyes told me she wasn’t telling me everything. She could tell me that her best friend had killed herself, but she couldn’t tell me what my best friend had done to send her running. I wouldn’t push though. I’d just figure it out on my own. We’d done a fair share of opening up already.

  “It’s okay,” I assured her. I wanted to warn her to stay away from Riley Young, but then she’d have questions about that. I didn’t feel like talking about Riley right now. I needed to be alone for some time and sort through my thoughts.

  It Was Better than Good

  CHAPTER 22

  BRADY

  I didn’t make it past the front of my truck before Willa opened the back door to her house. The cottage she lived in was small. Two bedrooms, one bathroom, a tiny kitchen area with a table in it, and a living room. When someone drove up out here, you heard it no matter what part of the house you lived in.

  Willa loved her nonna’s though. Or at least she had as a child. I didn’t know her well enough now to know if that was still true. Maybe she had lived in a big house in Arkansas with privacy and missed that life.

  “Nonna will be back soon. She won’t like you being here. I’m a bad influence, and you’re a good boy.”

  Not far off from the greeting I had expected. I didn’t figure she was going to be happy about seeing me. Not after last night.

  “I won’t stay long. If Ms. Ames returns, I’ll take the blame for being here and assure her you haven’t led me astray in any form.”

  Willa had to have done something seriously wrong for Ms. Ames to worry about my safety around her beloved granddaughter. That was something to find out another day though. Not now with the kiss looking over our heads. I came here to apologize and hope we could move past it. I’d wanted to test things with Willa. And the test had been amazing. That kiss wasn’t something I was going to forget. She was more than a childhood memory. She was worth knowing now. I wanted that.

  She crossed her arms over her chest and scowled. She didn’t want me here either. Talking about the kiss wasn’t on her list of things she was ready to deal with. Too bad. We were dealing with it before we both faced Gunner tomorrow. He’d texted earlier that he wanted to talk to me. I ignored it because I wasn’t sure what she might have told him today.

  “You talk to Gunner today?” I asked her, cutting right to the point.

  She nodded.

  Shit.

  “Did you tell him why you ran last night?” I couldn’t bring myself to mention the kiss.

  She shook her head. “No.”

  Whew. I had time to fix this before we had a fight that was pointless.

  “I’m sorry . . . no, actually I’m not. I wanted to kiss you, and you kissed me back. It was good. It was better than good. It was fucking amazing.”

  The entire ride over here I had gone over what I was going to say, and this had not once been an option. Where the hell had all my blatant honesty come from? Seeing her face-to-face made me want to force her to admit she felt something too. Because I knew she did. That wasn’t just all me.

  Her cheeks turned a bright pink, and I wanted to grin, feeling a little smug that those words made her blush. But I controlled myself and waited on her to say something. Anything would be nice about right now.

  With a deep sigh, she closed her eyes briefly, then shook her head. I’d forgotten how dramatic Willa could be. “We shouldn’t be kissing. Maybe we were curious because of our past. I know I was, but you have a girl that you don’t call your girlfriend, but she is something to you. I have a lot to prove and a lot to work through. I can’t go around kissing guys.”

  “I wasn’t suggesting you go around kissing guys last night. Just me.” And the honesty just kept pouring out of my mouth like a volcano erupting. Damn it to hell. I had to shut up.

  The frown on her pretty mouth deepened. I tried not to think about the way her mouth had tasted and how much I’d like to walk up to her and taste it again.

  “You know what I mean. I’m not here for that. I’m here . . . I don’t want that. I just want to go to school and make my nonna proud.”

  We weren’t going to make any progress today because she wasn’t going to explain any more. I could press, but she’d shut me out. The wall between us was growing higher by the minute, and I didn’t want that. Not with Willa.

  “Okay, okay. I get it. I didn’t mean to send you running off last night. I am sorry about that. I shouldn’t have lost you out there. I should have made sure you were safe. Riley Young sure as hell isn’t safe for anyone to be riding around with.”

  She looked confused, then frowned. “How did you know I got a ride with Riley Young?”

  Shrugging, I didn’t see how this was a secret. “Gunner told me.”

  That frown just got worse. “I didn’t tell Gunner about Riley. He didn’t ask.”

  Ah, so Gunner hadn’t wanted to explain his hatred for Riley. Couldn’t say I blamed him. If she’d almost had my brother locked up behind bars for a false accusation, then I’d hate her that much too. I hated her enough now. Rhett was like my older brother or the closest thing I’d ever had back when he lived at home. Riley had come close to costing him his football scholarship and future in the SEC.

  Rhett had been like the big brother to all of us once. He’d been the cool older brother we all knew and got us into the field parties before it was our time. We had all stood behind him back then, and Riley hadn’t just become his enemy but all of ours.