“Gunner ran into her leaving the property on his way to find you when you ran off. I was in trouble with him for losing you, and he wasn’t in the mood to run into Riley. Although he was relieved you were safely home, he hated that you were close to that bitch at all.”

  Willa stepped forward and shot me an annoyed glare. “Riley was nice, and she didn’t do or say anything bad about y’all. I liked her.”

  With a warning she needed in advance, I made sure she understood me loud and clear. “Don’t ever say that to Gunner. There is no one on this earth he hates more.”

  “His dad,” she replied.

  I shook my head. “Nope. Not even him.”

  “Nonna is on her way. She’s already spotted you. Please go ahead and leave now so I don’t have her angry with me.”

  I couldn’t argue with that, even though I wanted to stay and talk. I didn’t feel like I’d accomplished anything. Getting her in trouble with her nonna wasn’t winning me any brownie points. But I wanted to hear her say she felt something too. That she wanted to try more with me like I did her. Even if there was a chance for more, I wanted to hear it.

  I nodded. “Okay, but I’d like to talk about this again. I want more with you than friendship, Willa. If that’s all you can give me, then I’ll accept it, but that kiss hasn’t left my mind one time since last night.”

  I didn’t wait for her to respond. I turned and headed back to my truck, waving to Ms. Ames, hoping that helped out some with Willa.

  I Didn’t Think Chicken and Dumplings Could Heal That

  CHAPTER 23

  WILLA

  Facing Nonna and letting her warn me to leave Brady alone was coming. Might as well deal with it and get it over with. It wasn’t fair though since I hadn’t asked him to come over, and I’d also asked him to leave.

  I walked back into the kitchen and started fixing my late-afternoon snack. Nonna had run some food over to the big house for Gunner. She did that on Sundays since the Lawtons stayed gone all day and Gunner didn’t participate in the Sunday ritual they had.

  The back door opened just as I started slicing up a pear, and I inhaled deeply to calm my frustration with the lecture I was about to receive.

  “Why was Brady Higgens here? Thought I told you to leave that boy be.”

  Here we go, I muttered in my head. I picked up the jar of peanut butter to spread some on my pear. “You did, and I’ve obeyed. Can’t control Brady’s actions though. He came over here, and I told him to leave. He never even made it to the back door.”

  Nonna was quiet a moment, and I didn’t turn back to look at her. I made my peanut butter and pear snack as if it was the most important thing I’d done all day.

  “Well, you weren’t rude, were you?”

  Was she seriously asking me if I was rude? Jesus, what in the world did she expect me to do?

  “I asked him to leave. If that’s rude, then yes, I guess I was.” I still didn’t look at her. I walked over to the freezer and got out a frozen mug for my milk.

  “Why was he here?”

  “Because I left the field party last night without saying good-bye, and he was worried he’d said something to offend me.”

  I didn’t like lying. But at times like this it was necessary. My nonna could not handle the truth. He kissed me, and I ran like hell wasn’t an option here.

  She made a hmph sound that Nonna had perfected over the years. “Well, that’s nice of him. He’s a good boy. No need to be rude when he stops by.”

  I wanted to growl my frustration. Another deep breath to calm myself was required here before I faced her finally. Holding my plate in one hand and mug in the other, I turned to meet her assessing gaze.

  “I accepted his apology and told him it wasn’t necessary and that he needed to leave. I was a bad influence and you didn’t approve.”

  My mother would have yelled and lost her shit at a comment like that. But Nonna just sighed as if she couldn’t do anything with me and shook her head. “Always so blunt and to the point,” she muttered.

  Yes, I was. And for the most part I was honest. Except when I had to lie about kissing Brady Higgens.

  She waggled her finger at me. “I don’t think you’re a bad influence. You’ve just got healing to do over something that boy ain’t ever seen the likes of. He ain’t the kind that’ll ever understand.”

  Although she was pointing her finger at me like I was a scolded child, her words helped. To know she didn’t think I was too terrible to be around Brady the golden boy. It was for reasons that concerned me. Not him. She was worried about me.

  My chest eased, and my frustration faded away.

  “I know. He’s a nice guy, but my demons are too dark for him.”

  Nonna looked sad. I wished I hadn’t said that now. What I was thinking didn’t always come out right.

  She walked over to me and took my plate and mug from my hands, then placed them on the small linoleum table with the yellow chair straight out of the sixties that was the centerpiece of the dine-in kitchen. Then she turned back to me and pulled me into a tight hug.

  “I love you, my Willa. You made mistakes and suffered greatly for them. I’ll be here to help you heal. You’re never alone.”

  Words a child expects from their mother. Words my mother would never utter to me as long as she lived. Words that reassured me that I was loved. My nonna was my safe place. She always had been.

  “Thank you,” I whispered into her shoulder, biting back the tears. I didn’t need to cry anymore. I’d done enough of that.

  “Why don’t you share that snack with me. Then I’ll fix us up a bowl of chicken and dumplings just the way you like them.”

  When I was a kid and things got tough or I was upset over something, Nonna always made me chicken and dumplings with more dumplings than chicken for a comfort meal. Thinking about having that meal now made me feel as if it would all be okay. Because back then it always was. But back then I hadn’t suffered tragedy.

  I didn’t think chicken and dumplings could heal that.

  “That sounds good,” I told her instead of the truth.

  She patted my back with reassurance. “Your momma don’t know how to love the right way. Not sure why, because Lord knows I loved her and so did her daddy. But something in her never clicked right. She always put herself before all others. And I’m sorry about that, Willa girl. I’m really sorry about that.”

  Hearing her tell me what I already knew helped. It reassured me that it wasn’t me that was unlovable, but it was my mother who just couldn’t love me. I nodded, and she kissed my temple before pulling back and looking me in the eyes. “You’re a special girl. One that makes me proud. Don’t let life take that from you. Fight for it and prevail.”

  I wasn’t sure what she meant by all that, but it sounded hopeful. It sounded like she believed in me. I needed someone to. “I will, Nonna,” I promised her.

  • • •

  Later that evening as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling I realized a part of me was looking forward to going to school tomorrow. But when I tried to decipher what it was I liked most about school, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

  The idea of seeing Gunner in the morning and our ride to school or facing Brady again and listening to him say things to me he shouldn’t. Both were pathetic, and I needed to stop pretending that there could be something like that for me.

  Brady and his smiles that had made my heart go silly when I was a kid still caught me somewhere in the chest. He was so good and dependable. You could trust him and know he wouldn’t let you down. He also had a girlfriend he wasn’t actually claiming, so that was a strike against him. I wasn’t sure if what I felt in that kiss was the little girl with the crush bleeding through or something more.

  Gunner was different. He frustrated me and calmed me all at once. I didn’t question his motives; I understood them. He didn’t go out of his way to be kind to everyone, but he also wasn’t leading any girls on. He was brutally honest. When I was with him, I got comfort I hadn’t experienced in a long time. Part of me actually needed him.

  I’d had a chance at being a normal teen, and I’d ruined that. Demolished was a better word. My choices were the things nightmares were made of.

  Closing my eyes, I thought of the days after that night and the times I had tried to wake myself from the living horror I wanted to be only a nightmare. If I could just wake up and Quinn and Poppy would still be alive.

  If only second chances were real. They weren’t. They never would be. Not for me and not for Poppy.

  My cell phone was tucked away in the antique maple dresser that sat directly across from my bed. It was there. I knew it was there. I just couldn’t touch it or turn it on. My mother might have had the service turned off by now. I wasn’t sure. I just knew I wouldn’t use it again.

  That small, flat smartphone held the memory of the last phone call I had accepted. A call from Poppy’s mother. I never turned it back on again. I couldn’t face the text messages or anyone else trying to call and find out details while attempting to act as if it was sympathy. That was the worst of it all. The nosy way people fished for the specifics.

  Then there were the memories of the Snapchats and texts that I’d done daily with Poppy. There was too much on that phone that I couldn’t see. I wondered if I’d always be this raw. Did a heart heal from something like this?

  You’re Not Dressed in Nineties Clothing

  CHAPTER 24

  GUNNER

  Like the other times I had picked up Willa, she was waiting on me out by the road so I wouldn’t have to turn into her drive. I had given her space after the way she had opened up to me about her friend. I was guessing that other than her nonna no one here knew that story. Everyone here assumed her mother had sent her packing and run off with a new man, since that was once her thing.

  Telling me had been a big deal for her. Just as my telling her I wasn’t really a Lawton had been a huge deal for me. I’d sworn to myself to never tell anyone, but I had wanted to tell someone. I had wanted to tell Willa. It was trust. I trusted her more than anyone I realized when the words fell from my lips. Why that was, I didn’t really know. But I did.

  I had placed a blueberry muffin on her seat. Not once had I forgotten to bring her whatever baked good Ms. Ames had on the kitchen table since the first day she’d ridden with me. I liked doing it for her, and I liked the way she smiled when it was there waiting on her. When she opened the door. She paused and saw it, then picked it up and flashed a smile at me.

  “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  Also our normal morning greeting. I wanted this to become our routine. Mornings with Willa were better. I liked this. I got her alone, and we often laughed. Now we both knew the secrets we’d been trying to hide, and it felt more intimate. I’d never felt this connected to someone. From the moment I knew my life was a lie I had closed off, but Willa was reaching that part of me no one else had even tried to.

  Once she was inside the truck and settled, she took a bite of her muffin and remained silent. I hadn’t expected her to talk much this morning. Not after all we’d shared. I would let her have her peace and be patient. I wasn’t going to allow her to pull away from me though. I needed Willa. And even if she didn’t want to admit it, she needed me.

  “I washed these blueberries for this muffin last night,” Willa said as she finished off the muffin and brushed the crumbs from her hands.

  “Then Ms. Ames should have left you a few in the kitchen this morning.”

  Willa nodded. “I completely agree. But Nonna won’t bring home any food to eat that your parents paid for. Says it’s stealing and the like.”

  That was ridiculous. Ms. Ames brought me meals from her kitchen when my parents ran off on Sundays and when she magically knew I needed a special treat. Our food was hers. “Hate she feels that way. I don’t see it that way.”

  Willa shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. I got the hookup with you, so it’s all okay in the end.” She was teasing. Her voice wasn’t as heavy as the last time we spoke. There was almost a lilt in her tone that I remembered from years ago. As if that girl wasn’t completely gone after all.

  “True. Guess you better keep me around. I hear tell that the big house is getting strawberry hot cakes tomorrow.”

  Willa sighed. “Guess I know what I’ll be washing tonight.”

  Again her tone was light, and I liked it.

  “Just make sure you get them real clean. Hate to eat hot cakes with dirty strawberries.”

  Willa cut her eyes at me. “Don’t push it. I may spit on the whole lot and not eat a one.”

  This time I laughed. Loudly. And her grin grew into a full-on beam. God that was nice. Real nice.

  “I’ll behave,” I finally replied after my laughter eased. “You talk to Brady any this weekend?” I knew his truck had been up here briefly yesterday. This morning Ms. Ames had mentioned him stopping by and how that might be a bad idea. I should let him know Willa had healing to do right now.

  I agreed with her. If Brady was coming around to be anything other than friendly, then he needed to move it right on along. The idea of that made me bitter, and I tried to bite it back. It was hard though. I had to remind myself Brady was my friend, the best one I’d had most of my life. Sure we’d changed over the years, but he was still important to me. We’d gone through a lot together, and that counted for something. I didn’t want Willa to be what came between us, but then again I wasn’t about to let him have her either.

  “He came to see if I was okay with things yesterday.”

  Her answer wasn’t as detailed as I wanted it to be.

  “So he apologized?” I asked, pushing for more.

  She shrugged. “Mmm” was her mumbled response. We had told each other shit we hadn’t told anyone else. We should be past this erecting-walls stage now.

  “What kind of answer is that? Yes, no, shut the hell up I’m not telling you?”

  A small laugh escaped her, and I was glad she found it funny.

  “Yes and no. I was the one who ran, and I owed him an apology for acting the way I did.” I wanted more than that. We were closer than this, and she knew it. My hands tightened on the steering wheel, and the idea that this was upsetting me so much shocked the hell out of me.

  Besides, I disagreed. Brady had an easy life. The charmed sort. His parents loved each other, and his home life was secure. He hadn’t dealt with family secrets or deaths. His aunt had been killed, but he’d hardly known her. Maggie coming to live with him had been the biggest drama he’d ever faced.

  “But he did apologize?” I asked.

  She nodded. “Yes, he just didn’t need to.”

  I wouldn’t argue on our ride to school. That thought I’d keep to myself. Brady, however, was going to get questioned when I had him alone.

  “You’re not dressed in nineties clothing,” I pointed out, and she frowned like I had lost my mind.

  “What?”

  “It’s homecoming week. Friday night is the homecoming game, and this entire week is themed. Nineties Day today, Western Day tomorrow, Pajama Day Wednesday, I forgot what Thursday is, and Friday is always School Colors Day.”

  She looked at my jersey and jeans. “You’re not in nineties attire either.”

  “I’m on the team. I’m supposed to wear the jersey all week.”

  Willa rolled her eyes. This was silly. I was not participating in any of it. I’d have been surprised if she was. If I didn’t get to wear my jersey every day, I wouldn’t participate in that either. Who the hell knew what nineties was supposed to look like. We were barely born in the nineties.

  “All we did for homecoming at my old school was a dance after the game and a big pep rally on Friday.”

  “We have those too. Except our pep rally is accompanied by a parade in the middle of town.”

  She laughed. “I had forgotten about the homecoming parade. Do y’all still throw candy? I used to love for Nonna to take me for the candy.”

  “Cheerleaders and band members do.”

  “Do we get out of school for this?”

  “Yep.”

  “Sweet.”

  I’d asked Serena to homecoming two weeks ago because I knew she’d be a sure thing. After our win all I’d care about was getting some. Now I was regretting that. I wanted to experience it with Willa. I could always cancel on Serena, but then she’d make Willa’s life hell. Something I wasn’t selfish enough to do.

  I’m Not Feeling the School Spirit

  CHAPTER 25

  WILLA

  US Government was a good class to start the day with. It always felt like someone was telling me a story. No complicated math problems to figure out or Human Biology, which was the hardest elective they had available here, to concentrate on. Just a good story. If they would only let us drink coffee and eat muffins in class, then it would be the perfect beginning to the day. Unfortunately, Mr. Hawks was a stickler for no food or drinks in class. He also liked to see our hands moving and taking notes.

  I didn’t need notes. I was good with memory. I could listen to the story and remember all the details. Explaining that to him didn’t seem like a wise idea, so I just took notes and wished I had coffee and muffins. I also wished that I wasn’t thinking about who Gunner was taking to the homecoming dance. I was sure he wouldn’t go alone. Brady would be taking Ivy. I didn’t have to ask to know that answer. I wasn’t available to date and do things like dances anyway. I had too much to prove and too much to find a way to live with.

  Caring who Gunner took wasn’t healthy, and I really shouldn’t have. But while Mr. Hawks discussed foreign policy and national defense, I was thinking about a silly high school homecoming dance that meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. It was just a dance. Not one I needed to attend. I hadn’t gone to my junior one either. Instead I’d been . . . drunk at a party.