“True,” Jerry spoke slowly. She knew it would be easy to take Calluna back, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t be an internal battle on her part. Ursula had been her friend—they had built a relationship together for years—so to have it ruined so arbitrarily was not what Jerry had expected. “Who will I put in her place?”

  “I can think of a few souls who might fit the bill.”

  “You?” Jerry raised an eyebrow in Yafe’s direction.

  “I could, yes, but I’m not sure I want to captain a vessel.”

  Jerry nodded her understanding. Yafe was such an empath that to put her in complete control over a ship would make her jaded or it would break her, neither of which Jerry wanted for one of her closest friends. “I’ll figure it out after we have Yarrow back in our possession.”

  “Yes.” Yafe leaned against the dash, her hip digging into the edge as she looked Jerry up and down. “Now, about your woman.”

  Jerry sighed. Even far out in the sea and beyond the borders of their home she still couldn’t escape Arloa. She’d wanted to. When they’d been marooned on the island, when they were in Potelia, and the entire year before while she hadn’t spoken a word of Arloa or seen her, she’d wanted to be rid of her memory and her presence, but it was impossible. Jerry’s obsession ran strong and in a way that was impossible for her to escape.

  Her slide back into Arloa’s grasp had been slow and steady, and she had willingly given into it at each and every stage. Now she was left with nothing but Arloa to hold her steady, to keep her pointed toward home in a way that she desperately needed. Raising her gaze to Yafe’s dark eyes, Jerry blinked away a sudden onslaught of tears.

  “Cap?”

  Jerry shook her head and put her hand up. “In some ways I’ve been a fool, Yafe, and in others, I have been the smartest pirate on the planet.”

  Yafe looked at her as though she didn’t understand the contradiction, and that was perfectly fine. Jerry didn’t want to explain it. Bolstering herself, Jerry rolled her shoulders and checked their navigation, keeping her eyes peeled for Wench’s Dream. But Jerry suspected they would remain hidden for at least a day.

  “I’m waiting for Arloa to contact me. I need to thank her for helping us escape the authorities.”

  Yafe nodded slowly. “And?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What else will you speak to her about?”

  “Nothing of consequence.” Jerry turned to look out the front window, wanting the conversation to change topics or be over by that point. “We’ll need to make sure everyone isn’t struggling with the virus.”

  Yafe cocked her head slightly, Jerry catching the movement out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t turn to face Yafe fully, still wanting to change topics and not talk about Arloa if she could avoid it.

  “Cap? Is there a reason you can’t say it for what it is?”

  Jerry surpassed the shudder. There were many reasons she couldn’t. The thought of eating someone still churned her stomach. The thought of killing someone only for her survival washed her in cold shame.

  “It’s natural—”

  “It’s not natural,” Jerry interrupted on a hiss. “It’s anything but natural.”

  “But the legends…”

  Jerry sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I know what the legends say, and I know this is what they resorted to when this virus first came about. But that was seven hundred years ago, Yafe. One would think we’ve made some advances in society since then.”

  As Jerry said the words, she knew it wasn’t true. While their society had advanced with technology, and for a time, the laws had advanced toward equality, the overtones in the last fifty years had taken them backward.

  Sexism, classism, and racism were rampant in their world, particularly in Raegina. She’d been surprised when Arloa Kauket had been elected as a senator. Then again, she was from the right class and race, although her sex remained a problem she had to overcome. Jerry frowned, focusing back on Yafe as she tried to remember the conversation at hand.

  “It’s disgusting.”

  “You believe you’re disgusting for having to eat someone else’s mind in order to sustain your own.”

  “Yes.” Jerry flushed and stared down at the dash, really wishing Arloa would contact her or a blip that might be Blaise would appear. She would rather take this conversation back to the uncomfortableness it had been before. “Make sure everyone is well, please.”

  “We don’t have any left.”

  Jerry groaned. “Why didn’t you just say so?”

  “Because I need to know what you want me to do about it.”

  “You’ll do nothing. Stay here.”

  Jerry left the wheelhouse and stalked into the corridor. She rolled her shoulders as she slithered through the halls and into the bowels of the ship where she’d locked up the man they’d found on the vessel when they stole it.

  She stopped outside of the door and pressed her palm fully to it, the cold of the metal door seeping into her skin and reminding her how aloof she needed to be for this to happen. She hated this. Morose, Jerry pushed open the door and shut it swiftly behind her. She would do this with no witnesses. They would all know, of course, but none would be able to testify to it actually happening.

  The man looked up at her, a dead stare in his gaze as if he already knew his fate. It was different to kill in battle, to kill when protecting herself to survive. Then again, this was only another kind of survival, a passive one. Her heart thrummed steadily, and she didn’t want to admit defeat into this lowest part of her world.

  He scuffled around, trying to stand, but she hadn’t fed him in days so he was weak. Jerry moved in, wrenching him around so his back was pressed to her front. She didn’t want to see him, didn’t want to hear or feel him struggle more than she had to. She pressed the blade of her short sword against his throat and made the slice quick and true.

  He didn’t cry out—that was a saving grace she hadn’t known she needed.

  The man bled out on the floor, and Jerry stood watch over him to make sure when it was done that she could collect his brain and take it to the galley. Her stomach churned at the mere thought of what they were about to do—what she had already done. With a parched mouth, Jerry used her sword and cracked open his skull. Using the hilt, she made the entry point even wider and pulled out the precious life-giving source they all needed to live.

  Why was it that one had to die for many to survive?

  Was that a fair trade?

  As much as she would like to think so, Jerry knew it wasn’t. A life for a life was never a fair trade. Cutting the cloth from his body, she wrapped the brain tightly to keep any blood from dispersing as she brought it up a few levels. Jerry left his body there, locking the door behind her. She would dispose of it later when the crew was sleeping and wouldn’t have witness her crimes.

  Entering the wheelhouse, Jerry handed the prize to Yafe with a grunt and took over the wheel again. “There.”

  “Where did you—”

  “Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.” Jerry couldn’t look her in the eye. She couldn’t even stand to look in Yafe’s direction. Guilt consumed her.

  “I’ll distribute it accordingly.”

  “You do that.”

  Yafe, thankfully, left her alone. In the silence of the wheelhouse, Jerry struggled to keep her emotions at bay, and when the communications panel lit up with a connection from Arloa, Jerry took it as the distraction she needed.

  “I hope I didn’t disturb you with my request,” Jerry started, her tone stiff and formal.

  Arloa cocked her head to the side, her eyes tight with worry. “Are you all right?”

  “They left without incident.”

  “I’m glad to hear that, but Jer… I’m not the one who contacted them.”

  “I didn’t realize this was a family vessel when I took it.”

  Arloa’s lips thinned as she pursed them. “Did you really think I was rich enough to have my own?”

  “Yes,” Jerry answered honestly, and she wasn’t sure that she was wrong either. However, she could see why Arloa wouldn’t need a vessel, especially if she had access to her family’s. Arloa’s life wasn’t on the waters like Jerry’s. It was only another reason why their relationship would never work.

  “I don’t need a ship.”

  “I did,” Jerry answered. “So I took this one. Thank you again for dealing with the authorities.”

  “If they come back, I’m not sure how much more help I’ll be. You need to bring the ship back to harbor in order to avoid them.”

  “I can’t do that,” Jerry mumbled. “My mission isn’t complete.”

  “To get Yarrow back?” Arloa’s features hardened, her jaw clenching and her cheeks pulling tight.

  Jerry knew that look even from that distance. Arloa still didn’t agree that this was the best course of action. Jerry couldn’t disagree more. She needed a win, and at that moment, her win was going to be Yarrow.

  “Jer, don’t you think—”

  “She’s my home, Arloa. Whether you understand that or not, she is my world.” The bite in Jerry’s words was stronger than she’d intended, but she couldn’t help it. She was tired of having the same damn argument. “Accept that and you’ll accept me. I won’t leave her in the hands of someone who would molest her.”

  “She is a ship!” Arloa’s voice rose.

  Jerry knew in that moment she’d made a wrong step, but she still couldn’t stop herself from pushing forward. “She’s more than a ship. She’s the only one who’s ever been there for me.”

  “Are you saying I haven’t?”

  Gritting her teeth, Jerry halted all forward movement of the conversation. That was a trap she had to decide if she wanted to walk into or not. She needed to know if it would be one she could get out of or if it was one she wanted to get out of.

  “What I’m saying is my ship is my life, and if you can’t accept that—”

  “You don’t mean that,” Arloa interrupted.

  “I absolutely mean that,” Jerry confirmed, her tone brokering no room for argument. Yarrow would be her first love no matter what, and any woman who was with her would have to accept that. “Yarrow is my life.”

  “Then I suppose I know where I stand.”

  Yes, just below Yarrow. Though Jerry didn’t say that out loud, nor would she ever. No woman had ever taken a place that close to her heart before, and it was likely the closest any woman ever would. The tug and pull Jerry experienced when it came to anything related to Arloa was back in full force. She wanted to soothe the hurt she had caused as much as she wanted to continue the distance she had created.

  “Jer, tell me this one thing.” Arloa’s voice was softened, as if she truly was looking for an answer, something that was going to shift both their worlds and would alter everything from there on out.

  Jerry wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the request. This moment was monumental, and it was something Jerry needed to avoid, but her voice betrayed her. “What?”

  “Do you love me?”

  They locked eyes through the power that was technology. Jerry didn’t want to answer this way. She wanted to say it with Arloa’s hot skin against her, the feel of her in Jerry’s arms, the power of being in the audacious woman’s presence. Yet anytime she’d been in the position before, she’d balked at the idea and the words. Perhaps distance was the way to make this statement. “I don’t see how that’s relevant to this conversation.”

  Arloa nodded slowly, as though she wasn’t sure what to say now that a confession had rung through the air. “Please return my ship to me.”

  “Call off the authorities,” Jerry pushed back.

  “You know I can’t do that. Once the report has been filed—”

  “You’re a Kauket, and you’re a senator. You can do whatever you want, Arloa. Don’t try me on this. I know the power you hold.”

  “You think too highly of me.” Arloa’s lips parted in surprise. “Not everything is within my grasp and certainly not this.”

  “Call off the authorities. You know I’m here to do justice for Yarrow, nothing more. I’m not here to steal or maim—”

  “But you will,” Arloa countered, her tone angry. She softened as she continued, “You will, Jer. That’s the point entirely. You will use that vessel you’ve stolen and break the law. The law which I’m bound to uphold.”

  Jerry snorted. “The law that is obtuse.”

  “It may very well be in some cases, but thievery isn’t one of them.”

  “And how will the law hold Lotchski accountable? Hmm? The law doesn’t care about anyone but itself, and you’re a part of the problem, not the solution.”

  “I will always be a part of the solution!” Arloa’s voice rose to a near yell.

  Jerry had no idea what nerve she had hit in Arloa, but she had definitely hit one. Taking a moment to breathe and calm the conversation, Jerry started in again. “The law is for rich white men. Until it’s truly equal in practice, there’s no point in following it. Call off the authorities. I’ve not stolen the vessel, I’ve merely borrowed it, and I will return it.”

  Arloa let out a wry laugh. “Borrowed? In what world have you borrowed it?”

  “In this one.” Jerry put her hands on her hips. “Rescind the authorities.”

  “It’s not within my power.”

  “Then find the power to do it.” Jerry wanted to slap her hand against the communicator and end the call, but she couldn’t force herself to move and make Arloa’s beautiful face disappear. The obsession that was this woman filled her again. “I won’t go back to Joab.”

  “Joab?” Arloa’s brow wrinkled. “Is that what this is about?”

  It was what this was always about. Jerry lived if only to escape, and escaping Joab was first and foremost in her mind.

  “Jer, I won’t send you there.”

  “You might not, but everyone else will. I have a record. I may have gotten my cards in order to buy Yarrow and Calluna, but I have a record. Surely you can’t be so obtuse as to not know that.”

  “I know it.” Arloa’s voice dropped to a whisper. “I researched you when I met you. A woman in my position must know who she is seen with.”

  Jerry snorted. “Perfect. Do you know what happens in Joab? What your family funds?”

  “Yes.” Arloa said it so coldly, as if it made no difference that people were beaten, raped, and murdered in a facility that was labeled as rehabilitation.

  Jerry shook her head slowly, realization dawning on her. She didn’t know who Arloa was. Not truly. Arloa had more secrets than Jerry did. “How can you support—“

  “To be absolutely clear on the matter, I don’t support it.”

  “You don’t fight it.”

  “As I’ve said many times throughout this conversation, I don’t have the power—”

  “You’re a Kauket.”

  “And I have defied my family too many times for them to listen to a word I say. I’m not my family, Jer. I’ve told you that from the first moment I met you. I may have their name, and that may carry some weight, but I’m nothing of what they want me to be.”

  “You’re an aristocrat,” Jerry lobbed the accusation, knowing it would hurt.

  “Yes.” Arloa glared back. “And you’re a pirate.”

  “I am, and that should tell you exactly how this will end.”

  “It very well may,” Arloa countered. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy what we have for now.”

  “For now?” Jerry raised an eyebrow and held out her hands to her sides. “For now I’ve borrowed your vessel. I will return it. But right now I need to steal my home back, and you won’t stop me from doing that.”

  “I know,” Arloa whispered. “But I wish I was your home—not her.”

  Jerry’s heart sank, realizing where the entire argument stemmed from. Leaning in, Jerry moved close to Arloa’s sweet image on the communications device. “But she is my home.”

  “I know, and I accept that.”

  “Then call off the authorities.”

  “As much as I might want to, I don’t have the power to do that. You’ll have to find your own way around them.”

  “Nothing I haven’t done before,” Jerry muttered.

  “I should hope so.” Arloa raised her chin. “When you return, Jer, I want an end to this.”

  “An end to what?”

  “The question I’ve asked. I want to know where we stand.”

  Jerry wasn’t sure how to answer that. She knew in her gut that she wanted an end and she wanted to never break that connection between them at the same time. “I’ll see you when I return.”

  “As soon as you return. I’m tired of waiting.”

  Jerry nodded sharply and ended the communication. Stretching her back, she sighed heavily. She’d said it. Not in so many words, but she’d confessed her obsession for this intrepid woman. No matter how many times Jerry ran through the conversation in her mind, it still didn’t sit well with her. The conversation had something underlying it that she couldn’t put her finger on, some kind of urgency she hadn’t been able to name, and it hadn’t been on her side. It had been entirely on Arloa’s.

  CHAPTER 20

  Jerry sat on the edge of the deck while they gave the engines a rest. She’d been circling the area for more than a day wondering where Blaise had gone to hide when she’d just given up and taken the much needed break—one her entire crew needed.

  The tight confines on the ship with the extra people were beginning to be too much, so she gave them a couple hours to rest, relax, and do nothing except try to stay out of each other’s way or have a bit of fun. Jerry sought the much needed quiet of the deck near the stern of the ship, the solace something she had longed for.

  Her conversation with Arloa had twisted in her gut so many times throughout the last day, and she still wasn’t sure what to make of it all. She’d wanted to confess she loved the aristocrat, the government official, the one person who couldn’t be more her opposite in some ways even though in others they were so damn similar. Grinding her teeth, Jerry stared up at the darkening sky as the sun fell below the horizon.