Then, in a tone that put chills down Virgil’s spine, Buford added, “I’d do it to somebody he loves.”

  Ten

  A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to put its pants on. –Winston Churchill

  July, four months before Dead Virgil

  Ever since Hank’s talk with Kaye, something had nagged at him. He still hadn’t found anything of substance on her and Daisy’s backgrounds. He’d seen Daisy a few times since then, but she always put him off, saying she was busy, which he supposed was possible with the store opening and all. In fact, she’d just turned him down a few minutes ago.

  He decided to go to an expert and went into Slick & Junebug’s Diner, sitting on a stool at the counter. Junebug had been putting up a sign that read SWEET TEA MAY BE ICY. When she saw Hank, she marched over and slapped down a glass with ice in front of him, grabbed the pitcher of sweet tea, and started to fill his glass.

  “Don’t even bother with the glass—just pour it over my head, ice and all.”

  “Honey, I know what you mean. It was so hot today I didn’t even poke my head out." She filled his glass anyway and then said, “Y’ont pie with that?”

  Hank patted his belly. “No, ma’am. Not tonight. I just had a cupcake.”

  “Oh. Over to the competition, huh?” Junebug’s tone turned testy.

  “She’s hardly competition, Junebug.”

  “Kept you from buying pie, didn’t she?” she grumbled.

  Hank thought it best to change the subject from food to people. He tried to sound nonchalant. “Do you know anything about that new family—Kaye and Daisy?”

  “Only what Kaye told me when they first came to town.”

  “What was that?”

  “Well, first she said her daughter was rich and bought up a farm here in town. Daisy corrected her and said they’re just renting a farmhouse.

  “Interesting.”

  Junebug nodded. “Kaye then said they’re from Florida. When the boy started to interrupt her, she barreled on and said they lived in the Orlando area. And before that, Hollywood, California.”

  Hank’s ears perked up. “Hollywood?”

  “Yep. Said Daisy was an actress and had starred in lots of plays in Hollywood and some commercials. But in Orlando she was Belle and Cinderella.”

  “Wait. She said Daisy had acted in plays and commercials? She said Orlando and not New York? You sure?”

  Junebug looked at him like he’d just asked for unsweet tea. “‘Course I’m sure. Why?”

  “Because Kaye told me she was the actress. And she said they’d lived in New York and Los Angeles.”

  “Well, Kaye also told me Daisy was pregnant. That was a big fat lie. She told me she was fifteen when she had Daisy. Lie. She told me they were gonna sell slices of pie and put us out of business. Lie. They sell whole pies only. Folks will still come here for their pie. I guarantee it. I could go on, but I’ll give you the best one yet.”

  “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

  “Special Kaye told me you’ve been coming around their cupcake store on account of your feelings for her.”

  Hank’s eyeballs bugged out about an inch. “For Kaye? That’s pure unadulterated lunacy.”

  “Well, I’ve always thought Kaye was a loony bird. I tell you, I’ve heard that woman tell enough lies to ice a wedding cake. I wouldn’t believe a word outta her mouth.”

  “So basically, you don’t really know anything about them?”

  “Only that you can’t believe a word out of Kaye’s mouth. So yeah, I guess not much.” Junebug studied Hank’s face. “Why? Are they in trouble with the law or are you sweet on one of them?”

  Hank waved her off. “Oh, I’m just jawing. Don’t mind me.”

  “Mmm hmmm.” Junebug crossed her arms. “You’re not fooling me. Spill it.”

  “Junie, I really can’t. All’s I can say is I’d like to know more about them.”

  Junebug twisted her mouth. “I’d like to sit in a bubble bath all day, but that ain’t gonna happen either.”

  “I’da never pegged you for the bubble bath type.” Hank downed his tea and walked out of the diner, turning to add just as the heat hit him, “This weather stinks like a sneaker.”

  Sitting across from Caledonia and Tess, Paprika wiped the condensation from the glass of her sweet tea. Caledonia was telling her friends she thought Virgil was seeing other women.

  “Is it still cheating if you’re not in an exclusive relationship even though you thought you were in an exclusive relationship?”

  “I don’t know. But it’s deceptive if he hasn’t been honest with you.”

  Tess took a corn muffin and smeared butter over it. “I say two can play at that game. You need to get yourself out there.”

  “And how do you propose I do that?”

  “Online dating, girl.”

  Caledonia dropped her face into her hands. “Oh no, I couldn’t do that.”

  Paprika clapped her hands. “Yes, you can. And you will. I’ll do it with you, Cal. Come on. We’ll do it together. I have my laptop right here. We can get started on registering now, and you can upload your picture when you get home.”

  “Register? You have to register just to look?”

  “Yes, you have to register.” Paprika’s tone was harsh, and she smiled her apology to her friend.

  Caledonia closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “This is humiliating.”

  Paprika pursed her lips. “We have to do it. You know what Elizabeth Taylor said, don’t you?”

  “To which quote are you referring?” Caledonia swirled the ice in her glass, staring down glumly into the tea.

  “Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.”

  Tess rubbed her hands together. “Oh, this is going to be fun.”

  Caledonia shot her a dirty look but nodded to Paprika to go ahead.

  Paprika pulled her laptop from the tote on the seat to the table and began tapping keys.

  “How tall are you, Cal?”

  “Five feet five inches. Do they want my weight too? My measurements?”

  “Don’t be silly.” Paprika tapped more keys.

  “What are you typing?” Caledonia leaned over the table but couldn’t see the computer screen.

  “Just the basic information. You know, name, birthdate, height, religion, education, body type, city, occupation, status–”

  “Status? What kind of status?”

  “Widowed, divorced. Your marital status, silly.”

  “Oh.”

  Paprika continued. “Political affiliation, hair color, ethnicity, children, pets, smoking preference. Okay. That’s the basics. Now they want you to tell a little about yourself.”

  Caledonia groaned. “Can we do that later?”

  Tess moved to sit next to Paprika so she could see the computer screen. “Yes, let’s do the questions next.” Paprika scrolled down and Tess read from the screen. “Do you enjoy cooking?”

  Caledonia nodded. “Yes.”

  “How patient do you consider yourself?”

  Caledonia shrugged. “Depends on who I’m with.”

  “Just put ‘a little patient,’” Tess suggested.

  “Moving on. Are you romantic?”

  “Yes.”

  Tess said, “Put very romantic.”

  “How punctual are you, typically? Often early, early, late, often late . . . ”

  “I get physically ill if I’m late.”

  Paprika’s eyes went from the screen to her friend. “I’ll just put early. Do you enjoy going to the movies?”

  Caledonia perked up. “Ooh, I love movies.”

  “How much do you enjoy going to live theatre?”

  “Love it. I’m always happy when the theatre group starts up every summer.”

  “I already know the answer to this one,” Paprika said to Tess. When Caledonia raised an eyebrow, Paprika continued. “How much do you like reading?”

  “Duh. Stupid question. Just pick the highest choice.”

  “I knew it. Now it says to pick three traits that your friends would say are most like you.”

  Caledonia waved her hand in the air. “Paprika, you pick.”

  Paprika looked over the list and said, “Loyal, kind, affectionate. Next up is what you’re looking for in a man.”

  “Is monogamy too much to ask for? Honesty?”

  “Let’s just put you are attracted to gentlemen with a sense of humor, someone who is honest, faithful, and has integrity.”

  Caledonia thought for a minute. “Someone who is patient, kind, successful but not boastful. Comfortable with who he is. Do you think that’s good enough?”

  “Sure. You can always go back and add or delete later.”

  Caledonia turned the laptop around so it was facing her. “That’s enough for my profile. Let’s do yours.”

  “I want a biker type. But a nice biker. And put that I like driving the country roads on the back of a bike.”

  “I think they’ll certainly like the imagery with that one.” Caledonia said outloud what she was typing: “Five feet two inches. Slender build. Christian. Divorced . . .”

  The women finished registering and had one final detail.

  “I think we should make a wide radius for matches. If we put twenty-five miles or less, we won’t get any new men, and we know all the eligible bachelors in Goose Pimple Junction. We have to branch out.”

  “Unless we want to date Clive and Earl.”

  Junebug appeared out of nowhere. “Whatchy’all up to? Did I hear that right? Are y’all so hard up for men you’re ready to settle for Clive and Earl?” She craned her neck to look at the computer screen. “Online dating? Girls, you must be hard up. Talk about a box of chocolates. What if you get a serial killer? Hey, that reminds me, I heard there was another death. This one was near Bumpus Mills. Deader ’n a door nail. They’re starting to talk homicidal poisoning now and wondering if someone’s passing bad Goose Juice off on purpose.”

  “Where did you hear that, Junebug?”

  “Chief Butterfield told me. He wouldn’t make up something like that. I’m serious, girls. You got to be careful these days. My mama used to say don’t take any wooden nickels, but these days it should be don’t drink any Goose Juice.”

  Once Junebug had left, Paprika said, “I say we still do it. I don’t think there’s a serial killer in Goose Pimple Junction.”

  Caledonia looked worried. “Well . . . maybe we can get Hank or Johnny to check out any potential beaus. Just in case.”

  Later that night after both women had uploaded their pictures and completed registration, the biggest surprise wasn’t that they got views right away and even some “likes” and “flirts.” The biggest surprise was who else was registered on the site.

  Caledonia’s eyes filled with tears when Virgil’s picture popped up as a possible match. She picked up her phone and called Paprika. “It’s not enough that he’s dating other women. While he’s telling me how wonderful our relationship is, the lying liar is registered on a dating site.”

  “Well, good. So are you.”

  “What do you mean by ‘good?’ What’s good about him actively looking for other women while he’s hinting at marriage with me?”

  “It’s good because it means you won’t feel guilty about putting yourself out there. And you can see concrete evidence that he’s a player. It’s time to move on, Cal. It really is.”

  Caledonia blew her nose into a tissue. “I guess you’re right.”

  Paprika gasped and Caledonia said, “What?”

  “You know what would be fun? It would be fun to register a fictitious woman and lure him in.”

  A big smile came over Caledonia’s face. “And arrange a date with him and then not show up. Oh, that’s genius. But what would we do for a picture? He’s going to want to see the merchandise before he buys.”

  “I have a killer picture of my cousin. She won’t care if I use it. And he’ll never run across her since she lives in Alabama.”

  “Perfect. What should her name be?”

  “How about Dolly?”

  Caledonia heard Paprika typing. “And make her five-two. He likes women who are shorter than he is.”

  “Okay, what else?”

  “Put her birthday as today, since she is being born today, after all. You’ll have to make up the year, of course.” Caledonia paused to think then added, “She plays tennis and golf, and she loves sports of all kinds, especially college sports.”

  “Perfect. Does she smoke?”

  “No. But she drinks. She loves bourbon and red wine.”

  “Gotcha. What is she like?”

  “Hmm . . .” Caledonia thought a minute. “She’s confident in her skills and abilities and excited about the career opportunities that lay ahead. She’s sophisticated, intelligent, playful, kind, affectionate, and considerate.”

  Paprika snorted. “Does she walk on water?”

  “It will cover all the bases, Spice Girl. He’ll at least like something about her. And put she enjoys sitting together and reading at night or watching college sports or maybe even hitting some balls on the tennis court.”

  “Does she like Pina coladas? Getting caught in the rain?”

  “No, and she’s not into yoga, but she does have half a brain.” Caledonia giggled.

  “If she wants to date Virgil, she sure does. Next up: What’s she looking for in a man?”

  “That’s a piece of cake. She’s not interested in a long-term relationship, she just wants to date. She wants an ambitious man, someone who is financially secure. She does not want a couch potato unless they’re watching something like 60 Minutes or the Discovery channel. And he should be honest, sincere, kind, caring, and like to cook. Oh, and add romantic and affectionate.”

  “Honey, I don’t see Virgil having any of those traits. Except I guess you could say he likes to cook.”

  “Yeah, Spice Girl, but that’s the way he sees himself. Just look at what he wrote for his profile. Either he sees those traits in himself or he’s a bigger liar than I thought.”

  “Probably both. His ego is big as all daylights, that’s for sure. He’ll be foaming at the mouth to meet this Stepford woman.”

  Caledonia snorted. “He’ll be like a bad rash on a big butt.”

  “That SOB has the nerve of a government mule.”

  “Well, it’s about to be proven that he’s a real ass.”

  Eleven

  Sometimes, you just have to play the role of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you. –Anonymous

  Late July, three and a half months before Dead Virgil

  Paprika punched in Caledonia’s phone number. When the call was answered, she said, “I’m depressed.”

  “You and me both, Spice Girl.” Caledonia had been on three get-to-know-you coffee dates and all had been duds. Too old, too weird, or too forward.

  “At least you’ve gotten some dates out of this. Dolly is getting more likes, flirts, and messages than I am.”

  “Of course she is. She’s the perfect woman. But don’t forget, she doesn’t exist. She’s a figment of our imagination.”

  Paprika snorted. “I guess you’re right. I didn’t tell you the best news.”

  “We got a bite?”

  “Our big old hook got a big old bite. And Virgil didn’t waste time with flirts or likes. He went straight for a ‘would you like to have coffee’ message.”

  Caledonia got so excited she began clapping, which caused her to drop her phone.

  “Cal, you there?”

  “I’m here. I just got excited. So let’s have some fun with him. Make him work for that coffee date.”

  “My thoughts exactly. I’m going to send a message back asking what he does for a living.”

  “Perfect. But don’t send it back right away. Make him wait for a day.”

  “A whole day? Won’t that make him mad?”

  “No, it will make him want her more.”

  “Did any of your coffee dates pan out?”

  “Nothing really promising. They all look like they have an IQ of 70. Or they’re too old. Or they can’t spell. I’m sorry, but if you can’t spell, there’s no hope of compatibility.”

  “I hear you.”

  “How about you, Spice Girl? Did you get anything promising?”

  “Actually, yes. There’s a biker guy who also has a college education, and he’s pretty darn cute. But so far all he’s done is send a flirt.”

  “Are you going to flirt back?”

  “Of course. But I’m not waiting a day. I’m answering right now.”

  The next day, Wednesday

  “Cal? It’s Paprika. I sent the message to Virgil, or rather Dolly did, and he answered right back.”

  “I told you he’d be hooked. What did he say?”

  “He said he’s a lawyer, but he didn’t mention his political aspirations. I guess he’s playing it cool.”

  “I guess. Did we decide what her profession was?”

  “I made it vague. I said she’s in the entrepreneurial field. Since he asked what she did for a living, I’ll say she owns an insurance agency.”

  “I like that. What else did he say, Spice Girl??”

  “He wants to know more about her. He said, ‘Who is the woman behind those gorgeous eyes?’ I know he stole that from someone. He probably uses it all the time.”

  “Oh yeah. Let’s make it simple: she has no kids, she’s divorced, and she loves the outdoors.”

  “Got it. I’ll wait half a day this time. Not too eager, but not too hard to get.” Paprika giggled.

  The next day, Thursday

  “Spice Girl? What’s the latest on our project?”

  “He’s into the flattery stage now. He loves her profile and thinks she’s beautiful.”

  “Well, he’s right about that. Your cousin is gorgeous.”

  “I know. I hate her. Anyway . . . Now he wants to get together for some tennis or golf.”

  “No. We have to make the no-show at a more public place. I want witnesses to this.”

  “In that case, I’ll tell him she pulled a muscle in her back and ask if they could meet for coffee.”