I’d finally found someone I hated more than my father, and I could no longer stand to be referred to by a name he’d murmured to me too many times to count.

  “Um, sure, yes,” I stammer.

  “See or be seen?” he asks.

  Confused by the question, I stare at him for a long second. Finally, the implication hits me. I have no intention of participating. I’m here to do research. Though I don’t know that this is the right answer, I respond in the way that makes the most sense. “See.”

  “Plenty of options down the hall, then,” he says, holding an arm out and motioning behind him. “There’s a bar at the end. The door is on the right if you’re not quite ready for anything else.”

  Obviously, he sees something in me that justifies his suggestion. And he’d be right. I’m in so far over my damn head it’s not even funny. Why didn’t I ask Frank to come with me? Or beg Dex to let me borrow Sophie?

  Instead of focusing on things I can’t change, I blow out a breath, smooth my hands down the soft silk fabric of my dress, and stride forward.

  The low music that floats down the darkened hallway gets louder as I reach the magical door to the right, where I’ll find booze that will hopefully take the edge off.

  The bar is small, despite the large space. Once again, my mind takes over categorizing ways to make women feel more comfortable here. Rather than the single white light that hangs above the bartender, red lighting would set the mood and allow for shadows that could be used to one’s advantage. Whether that be to hide in or to bring out inner courage. A woman occupies one of the three barstools. When I step beside her, she looks up at me with gorgeous blue eyes. She has creamy skin, high cheekbones, and berry lips that she licks as she returns my perusal.

  “Can I get you a drink?” the bartender asks. He’s wearing all black and has his sleeves rolled up, exposing tattoos that snake down his arms. I don’t mind the eye candy in the least. His gruff appearance reminds me a bit of Frank.

  Before I can reply, my phone buzzes again. In my haste to find the safety of the bar, I’d forgotten about the mystery message. I ignore it and order a drink instead. “Vodka martini…Extra Dirty,” I instruct.

  “No other way to have it,” the woman beside me murmurs.

  I give her an agreeable smile, but the expression slips from my face when a zap between my legs has my tongue going to the top of my mouth to hold in a moan.

  Fuck, Sophie is killing me here.

  Trying not to pant, I focus on the way the bartender pours the vodka into the silver mixer, followed by the olive juice—using a perfect ratio, I might add—and then I study the muscles that strain against his shirt as he shakes it.

  The vibration inside me goes up another notch.

  My body is stretched taut, and I’m afraid to remain standing. I’m so drenched, I worry the balls will slip from my body.

  I clench tighter, working my inner muscles to ensure that doesn’t happen. Dropping my head to the side, I lose myself, just a little, in the pleasure.

  I finally give in and pull my phone from my bag again, needing a distraction from the desire that’s threatening to drown me. Fortunately, at that moment, the vibrations return to a dull ache.

  Unknown: I’m sad you deleted my number.

  Unknown: Stop staring at him.

  Unknown: Don’t stare at her either.

  Unknown: Fuck, Kitten, you’re making me jealous.

  Kitten.

  Fucking Jay.

  Determined not to let him get in my head, I slide my phone back into my purse, aware that he’s somehow watching me actively ignoring him, and turn my attention back to the gorgeous woman beside me.

  He has no right to make demands of me. I’ll do whatever the hell I please, and right about now, I think it’s her.

  “I’m Catherine,” I say, holding out my hand.

  Those plump lips curve into a smile, and she takes another swipe across her bottom one. “Ari.”

  “Here alone?” I ask as the bartender slides the drink in front of me. I mouth a thank you, and he winks back.

  She drops her gaze to the floor for a second, then peeks up at me through her lashes. “No, actually, my girlfriend is in the other room.”

  There goes that idea. I lift my drink in the air and dip my chin. “Enjoy your night.”

  She scrapes her teeth along her bottom lip and trails gentle fingers across her breastbone. It’s intentional. She wants me to look. But I don’t do cheaters.

  “You could enjoy the night with us,” she murmurs.

  My lungs seize, and I lose my train of thought. Only a few minutes into this excursion, and already I’m being invited to be part of a threesome. I involuntarily clench again as the vibrations ricochet inside me.

  “Actually, um, I’m just here to watch—”

  Her eyes light up at that comment.

  Shit. I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and correct myself. “Observe, I mean. For…research.” I finally stutter out an explanation, all the while squeezing my thighs together as tight as I can. The edging from the damn balls inside me is getting to me. I need to get off. Fuck. No. This is pathetic. What I need is to take these things out of me so I can focus on why I’m really here. Focus on getting the damn promotion I’m owed.

  With a shy smile, she drops her chin. When she looks back up at me with those incredible blue irises, I’m mesmerized. She exudes a genuine innocence, even as she continues talking about things that are nowhere near virtuous. “Watch with me, then. My girlfriend…she’s in with someone else. Just…if you’re here to learn, come…learn.”

  I suck in a breath as heat and desire pool in my belly. Her voice is raspy, like she’s been screaming and her throat has yet to recover. I look back to the bartender, who’s wearing a knowing smirk. He knows exactly what I’ll say, even before I’ve made the decision.

  His cocksure stance reminds me of Jay, and that alone sets me off. The fucker is watching me. Might as well give him a show.

  “Okay.” I lift my drink to my lips once more and down the contents. “I’m game.”

  She slides off her chair, and I follow. Her navy jumper clings to her ass as she leads me out of the bar. That’s when I decide to stop thinking. The purpose of tonight is to investigate what a woman would experience during her first visit to a place like this. To understand what it would be like to explore this lifestyle for the first time. I’m here to see it not from my nervous, judgmental eyes, but from the perspective of someone who is curious and open to the activities they may encounter.

  And I am curious, so perhaps I’m overthinking this either way.

  She turns back, giving me her side profile. Her brown hair acts as a curtain, hiding most of her face as she talks. “I was nervous my first time too.”

  “How often do you come?”

  She looks back at me and smirks. Yeah, I suppose that was a double entendre. Running her hands through her hair slowly and holding my attention as she no doubt intended with that move, she replies, “Once a month. It’s more my girlfriend than me. She likes to explore.”

  “And you don’t mind?” I ask. If I were in a relationship, I can’t imagine being okay with my partner touching someone else. My stomach twists at the mere thought of it. And then, for some godforsaken reason, I picture faceless women touching Jay. I grimace. It’s a painful image, and it wasn’t hard to conjure. It’s one I’ve seen plastered in magazines for years.

  I hate this feeling.

  The truth is, I’ve never felt that way about anyone but him. Not even when Frank looks at other women. However, the mere thought of another woman touching Jay makes me murderous.

  Lost in my head, I’m caught off guard when Ari stops and grasps my hand.

  “Look up,” she whispers, drawing my attention to where she’s pointing with her free hand. In front of us is a floor-to-ceiling window with a view of the room beyond it. Inside, a woman is sprawled out on a bed—naked, legs spread—as a man eats her.

  Holy shit.

  “This—that’s your girlfriend?” I whisper, unable to tear my attention from the sight before me.

  With both palms, the man pushes the woman’s legs farther apart, then dives between her thighs. She arches back and tips her head to one side. As she does so, she spots us and props herself up on her elbows, training her gaze on Ari.

  “Yes, she’s beautiful, right?” she murmurs. But she’s not looking for a response from me. Her entire focus is on that room. Not that I blame her. Mine is too.

  Crooking one finger in a come-hither motion, the woman on the bed summons Ari and then falls back, moaning in ecstasy and pressing her pelvis into her partner’s face.

  The shudder that racks through me as Ari’s breath hits my ear forces me to lean against the glass. With gentle fingers, she pushes the hair away from my neck and kisses me softly, eliciting a whimper I can’t hold back.

  “Sure you only want to watch?” she asks against my skin as her fingers circle my exposed shoulder and slide down to my swelling breasts.

  My breath catches in my lungs, and goose bumps erupt along every inch of my skin. “Um—no, I’m good,” I pant.

  Her soft hand finds my cheek, and she turns me so I’m looking at her. She’s leaning in close, her lips only a whisper from my own. “I hope you change your mind,” she says before pressing her mouth to mine. It’s just a gentle brush, and then she’s smiling and stepping inside the room. On the other side of the glass wall, she turns and locks gazes with me as she brings a hand to the back of her neck and tugs at the halter strap of her jumper, allowing the silky garment to fall to the floor. The move exposes her creamy white skin, her hard pink nipples, and her bare pussy. She nibbles at her lip, then saunters to the bed, crawls over her girlfriend’s face, and sits.

  “Oh my God,” I can’t help but murmur aloud.

  The space between my legs pulses with a need so strong all I can think about is touching myself. I peek over my shoulder, thankful I’m alone in the hallway, but I don’t dare do anything to ease the ache just yet. I need to get out of here and go home, then my battery-operated toys can finish the job.

  Just as I resolve to leave, a large hand palms the glass beside my head. A hard body presses against my back, and warm breath teases against my neck. Of their own volition, my eyes flutter closed. I know precisely who it is. I suppose I knew from the moment I pitched the sex club idea that he would make an appearance.

  Part of me craved him.

  “It’s not safe for you to be alone in a place like this,” he teases in a low rasp against my shoulder. My entire body shudders as the vibrations between my legs amplify and I finally lose the battle and let out an audible moan.

  “I-I’m fine.” My argument is somewhat nullified by the way I stutter through it.

  In response, Jay presses his other hand to my waist. “I could be anyone. Anyone could take advantage of you right now.”

  “Will you?” I ask. Immediately, I realize my mistake and clarify, “I mean, is that what you’re doing right now…taking advantage?”

  His gruff laugh hits my skin. “I would never,” he says softly. “All I want—all I’ve ever wanted—is to give you everything. I’ll take nothing from you…”

  Another whimper escapes me as his hand slides down my hip and falls away. I want those hands on me. I don’t want to want it, but God, I do. And then the vibrations build again, and I bow backward into Jay. He rests his chin on my shoulder, and I give in and let my head fall to the side so it rests against his.

  I no longer see the sex acts happening in front of me. No, Jay’s body against mine has become my entire focus. I need him inside me more than I’ve ever needed anything in my life.

  “I need you to fuck me,” I rush out, keeping my voice low, embarrassed by how desperate I sound.

  His body stiffens against mine. “Say it again,” he growls as he grasps my arm roughly and spins me to face him. His eyes search mine, but I turn away. It’s too hard to look at him. To see those beautiful blue-gray eyes fill with hope. To let myself wonder why he’s looking at me like that when he’s the one who walked away. When he’s the one who kept us apart.

  “Look at me and say it, Catherine,” he says with an edge, his tether about to snap.

  Focusing on a spot on his shoulder, I shake my head and turn back to the scene playing out before me. Ari is now riding the man, and her girlfriend is watching with hungry eyes. The elicit act, combined with the heavy vibrations inside me, sends heat ricocheting through my body as my orgasm starts to crest.

  Jay draws the hair from my neck and kisses up my bare shoulder to my ear. “You want my cock inside you, Kitten?”

  I drop my head back to his shoulder again, giving him more access to my neck. “Please,” I beg.

  “I need your eyes, then.”

  “You said you wouldn’t take anything from me.”

  He sucks in a breath.

  I got him there. He wants my orgasm. He wants my eyes. He promised he’d take nothing, but the second I look at him, he’ll know I’ve got nothing left to take. He already has it all. He’s had it since the day I met him. I have nothing to give, because Jay took my heart and never gave it back.

  He owns me, and all I own is anger. For just a few minutes, I’d like to forget that.

  “Fine,” he says. It’s a soft breath against my clavicle. “But not here.”

  He drags me away from the spectacle, out of the light, and leads me to the darkness. Under the protection of the shadows, he presses me into a room and pushes me against the door. I can’t see a thing, but he’s everywhere. His mouth on my collarbone, one hand on my breast, the other skirting up my leg.

  “Fuck, Kitten, I’ve missed the feel of you.”

  Me too.

  “Make me come,” I say instead.

  Jay licks up my neck and tilts my head, angling me so I can’t move. “I’ve waited thirteen years for this mouth. Give me two damn minutes, please,” he says softly, his breath mixing with mine.

  Petrified by the idea and yet paralyzed by indecision, I do nothing but wait for the moment his lips ghost against mine. When they do, he hums as if I’m an old song he’s just recognized playing on the radio. His favorite one. And then he grinds his hips against me so I feel every inch of his want. Every ounce of his need. And then his tongue hits the slit of my mouth, begging for entrance, and for the first time in thirteen years, I taste him.

  His lips are soft, his kiss pure passion. Surprise and salvation nip at my lips. Unable to experience this as a passive participant, I drag both hands up his chest and shoulders and around to the back of his head. Raking my fingers through his hair, I pull him closer, needing him every bit as much as he needs me. “Tu me manques,” I whisper against his lips, unable to stop the words from tumbling out.

  Jay’s brows pinch together, but I cover his lips with mine before he can question me. As we kiss, his thick cock rubs against my aching clit, the friction almost amplifying the vibrations inside me. That’s all it takes to trigger my orgasm, but it takes on an almost dangerous level of heat from his lips on mine. From the way his fingers sear me, even through layers of clothing, as he simply holds me. From the feel of our bodies melded so close together.

  There’s a reason the French call it le petit morte. The feel of him is like dying and going to heaven. But it’s not enough. It’s never enough when it comes to Jay.

  Even as my orgasm subsides, I beg for his touch. “I need more,” I pant as he kisses me softly. “I need you inside me.”

  His mouth ghosts against mine as he shakes his head. “Not until you’re mine, Kitten.”

  With a groan, I drop my head back against the door. That was surface level. It barely touched the ache within my body, even if it was the best orgasm I’ve had in a very long time.

  Because it’s him.

  Always him.

  Only him.

  His fingers ghost up my legs and between my thighs, and we both groan when he slips inside my panties and coats one finger in my desire. “Oh Catherine, it’d be so easy to have you right here. You’d let me, wouldn’t you? You’d let me fuck you silly. Probably bare,” he says like the cocky asshole he is.

  And yet he’s not wrong.

  I’ve only ever had one man inside me there…and I want him so badly. I’ve missed him so intensely.

  “Fuck you,” I respond, but there’s no bite.

  Two fingers slip inside, causing me to buck against him.

  He chuckles. “Wouldn’t you like that?” He kisses me again.

  I deepen the connection, trying to keep him in place, but he’s got an agenda.

  He stretches his fingers deeper and pulls out each little ball, and I die a little in embarrassment. “Did you enjoy your play toy?”

  My cheeks heat at his comment. It’s then I realize that it wasn’t Sophie who left me the toys. I push against him, but he holds me in place as he laughs.

  “Stop. You know you enjoyed it. And now I have a mess to clean up,” he says, kissing me ferociously and leaving me breathless.

  Then he drops to his knees and slides his hands up my legs. With a squeeze to both hips, he finds the waistband of my panties and drags them down, helping me out of them. He presses a soft kiss to my knee, then another to the inside of my thigh. Then he nuzzles against my heated flesh, using his head to push my legs apart. With one hand, he pulls one calf up to his shoulder, then he presses his lips against my entrance.

  I hiss and squeeze my eyes shut when his tongue slides between my lips.

  “Fuck,” he says in what almost sounds like wonder. Then he brings one hand to my ass and digs his fingers into the flesh there, tugging me closer. His other hand glides up and down my leg, as if he’s grounding himself to this moment. Like he needs the feel of my skin beneath his fingers to know that this is real. Like he can’t believe he’s really on his knees before me, eating me lazily. Like we’ve been doing this forever. Like we never stopped.

  I’d almost forgotten how much Jay loves the act of pleasuring me. His moans tell me he’s exactly where he wants to be. Turned on from my taste alone.